Last Day

Today's the last day of the month. That means that there's going to be a lot of assholes out and about. Luckily I won't be one of them. The good news is that I don't have to go to the DMV today to renew my registration. My birthday is in October and not February. That gives me until October 31st before I have to even think about stepping foot in to the DMV. Can't say that I'm not happy about that... Have you seen some of the monsters that go to the DMV these days? It's enough to make a person start riding a bike, permanently.

This year is already starting to move at a record pace. Tomorrow is March 1st for Christ's sake and I just got around to setting up my online calender today. So far I have three dates "circled". July 10th the due date of our baby, March 9th the first day of our spring vacation, and February 4 the Super Bowl. I should probably add my wife's birthday, our anniversary, and the opening of trout season too. Please let me know if If you think of something I should add to the calender. For those of you that have your shit together enjoy your Wednesday. And for those of you that don't... Better get moving asshole it's already 10:09 AM Eastern Standard Time!

Wardrobe malfunction

I was all set to bitch and moan about the Academy this morning but I figured they'll get enough attention from everyone else. And besides they gave Marty his Oscars for Goodfellas this year, so what's there to talk about.

Let's talk about another goodfella I know, Kim Jong Ramone! KJR is a very good friend of mine who is already starting to shop for Corky Jr (brownie points). He found this masterpiece of a onesie online. I could pretty much alienate everyone I know by putting my kid into this. You have to admit this outfit is brilliant. A short list of all the people who would shun me if they saw Corky Jr wearing this outfit: My mother, my father in-law, Willsix, and of course my wife just to name one more then a few. My father would just tell me that I was an asshole. Kind of like he did the day I came home with my first tattoo.


How many of you miscreants would pay to see Corky Jr in this one? Kim Jong Ramone is particularly proud of the Misfits onsie, but I have to put my foot down. This is the last thing the prodigal son needs to be seen in. "No fucking kid of mine is going to listen to punk rock"! he exclaimed.

Luckily I convinced my wife to have Corky Jr in a hospital and not on some farm in Upstate New York in the rain with 100,000 dirt bags. In other words the hippie shirt is out.

And finally we have the only acceptable outfit that I will permit Corky Jr to wear for the first 3 years of his life. I might allow different variations and combinations of the following colors: 1.red 2.white and 3.blue, but I'm not sure yet. Please join me tomorrow where I select Corky Jr's food, and friends for the next 20 years.

Have you had your cup of Corky today?

Ideally, what time of day do you like to have your Captain Corky fix? Have you replaced the Daily News with the log at your breakfast table yet? Do you even wait for the coffee to finish percolating before you sit down to read? I have an idea of how it works for some of you, but I am curious as to how much importance is placed on making the log in integral part of your life.

The reason I'm asking is not because I have a really big ego that needs to be fed constantly... On the contrary I have really low self esteem and I need to know that I matter. I want to be so much more then just some middle class slob who barely scrapes by. It's not enough that I'm in a loving marriage, have good friends, a baby on the way, and a pretty decent DVD collection. I want more out of life. "I want the world. I want the whole world! It's bar of Chocolate give it me, now"!

Aside from my feeling of insecurity its been a very busy week for me. Last night I fucked up by wearing sneakers to work. Everybody noticed including my boss. Wearing sneakers at my place of employment is the equivalent to a 15 year old kid coming home from school with a nose ring and a new tattoo. Even though I work in an office and not in the operation I still got a lecture. I'm also doing a lot more work at work these days because of a mass management bowel movement. I'll tell you people, it's hard being middle class!

The Galileo 7

Yesterday morning my wife woke up to me standing over her with a can of spray paint and a bandanna around my nose and mouth. Scared the shit out of her! "Sorry about that Allyson". I was spray painting the word Galileo on her stomach. Why was I doing this? Because I realize how bored Corky Jr must be, having had to spend the last 20 weeks in the same exact spot and another 20 more to go. That's why I decided to build him a club house of sorts. Now he can pretend that he's on a 20 week solo mission aboard the Enterprise shuttle craft, the Galileo 7. When Allyson feels him kicking both Corky Jr and I will know that what he's really doing is beating the shit out of some Klingons. It's all good fun. Oh, and don't worry about the toxic fumes from the spray paint. I make Allyson wear a gas mask when she goes to sleep at night because you just never know when the Asshole who lives in 4B is going to be cooking up some Crystal Meth.


Here's a picture of Corky Jr giving the world the finger. He's an angry and cynical little guy sometimes. He must get that from his mother because the glass is always half full when I go to take a drink out of it.

These pics take my breath away every time I look at them. Only now do I begin to understand...

Best Valentine's Day ever, and I didn't even get a blowjob.

Yesterday was one of the best days of my life. Really. Watching a very active baby play around in Allyson's stomach via Ultrasound was probably the most incredible thing I've ever seen. It was even more exciting then the episode of Bonanza when they flashed back to tell the story of how Ben Cartwright met Little Joe's mother. I'm still extremely high from the experience.

As amazing as the Ultrasound was, I was even more amazed when the radiologist told us that we were having a boy... A boy! I was 100 percent convinced that we were having a girl, and I completely ruled out any chance of having a boy. This is probably a good indication of why I should never place a bet.

As soon as we left the doctor's office I asked Allyson if she was happy and she told me, while glowing, that she was. Of course we went to out to lunch to celebrate. Good o'l Cracker barrel. God I love that fucking place! I had Catfish. Allyson and Boy had Mama's pancake breakfast with eggs and turkey sausage. By the way, from the Doctors office to the restaurant I spent the entire time beating on my chest and grunting. Allyson informed me that if I persisted she was going to break my neck.

Once we sat down and ordered we started the name game again. My two favorite suggestions that I came up with were Boy and Guy. The kid's name should be Boy because I envision us spending a lot of time in the woods fishing, camping, swinging from vines and wrestling alligators. We actually came up with a name that we both like but I can't reveal that until we are 100 percent certain. Yesterday was a great day.

A glimpse of the future

I read a very interesting post the other day over at Blancodeviosa's blog. I'm not sure if it's because of her post, too much coffee, or divine inspiration but I had a dream about the future. The year 3000 to be exact. I got a sneak peek at the future and I feel obligated to share it with all of you.

I've got to be careful about how I choose my words here because the last guy that proclaimed a 1000 years of prosperity wound up committing suicide inside a bunker in 1945. But it turns out that the log is still going strong in the year 3000. It seems that all though I never make a significant contribution to society in my life time, my great, great, great etc. grandson is responsible for re-inspiring the human race to go outside and fly kites, fish and breath fresh air. Sometime around 2789. Plus, the log is handed down from generation to generation. I read some really funny posts about coffee, posted by Queen Corkina in the year 2422.

Football is now a global sport by the year 3000. Anyone caught playing or having anything to do with Soccer is executed immediately. A perpetrator of a soccer crime is essentially punted off of the planet by Robotic replicas of Adam Vinateri. Every team in the WFL has two squads and there are two complete 16 game regular seasons. The Vikings, Cardinals, and Lyons still have not won a Super Bowl by the year 3000.

I didn't have much time or interest at looking into politics, economics, transportation, warfare or religion. However, there are still freaks of nature protesting about an impending apocalypse. I didn't have the heart to tell them that I was from the year 2007. Silly fools. I can tell you that pygmies pretty much control the planet. It seems that they made some serious technological advances in the latter half of the 21 century. They finally moved out of their grass huts. Good for them.

Television is a complete mind fuck (what ever that means) in the year 3000. That's all I'm really going to say about that... But NBC still shows re-runs of Star Trek and TJ Hooker, so it's all good. Gene Roddenberry's vision is still guiding the way. The future looks great, pot is finally legal but I'm still glad to back in my own time.

*Corky Vision*

I had a pretty good weekend. It was fairly uneventful, just the way I like my weekends to be. I did buy a DVD video cam which was the highlight of the weekend. It only cost me a kidney but it was worth it. Now I can video tape every moment of my kids life. Well, except the delivery. Allyson is not having any of that shit. Can't say that I blame her.

Purchasing the DVD cam also means that I can now launch my new production company, *Corky Vision*. We've got many exciting projects on the horizon. An evening with the Birdman, and a documentary about a Pay Lake I fish at just to name a couple.

Unfortunately I didn't get a chance to watch the Grammys last night. As soon as I heard that the Police were going to be performing together again I started projectile vomiting. Plus I had to be at work by 11:00. Sorry Justin Timberlake. I'm still your number one fan, please don't hate me because I'm beautiful. I did catch part of the Pro Bowl. It was nice to see the AFC win, even if scrubbing a toilet is more exciting then actually watching the game.

I've got a pretty busy week coming up. A friend of mine from Markleysburg, Pennsylvania named JR. is coming to visit. Also, Wednesday is D day. D stands for discovery. We learn the sex of our baby through ultrasound, hopefully. Very exciting stuff!

Unpretty

Last night when I signed on to the Internet I almost choked to death on my Trim Spa diet pill after reading the headline... I can't believe she's gone! It's kind of sad. While she was alive she did nothing for me and I found her to be one of the top 10 most annoying and disgusting celebrities on the planet. Yet I feel sad for her today. Go figure.

A couple of questions I have for you:

1. Does she deserve or will she obtain Marilyn Monroe status?

2. Do you feel sad for her?

3. Will you have a drink for her this weekend?

4. Would you consider a person who masturbates to Anna Nicole, starting today, to have necrophiliac tendencies?

5. What were you doing when you heard the news?

6. Should Elton John write a third version of Candle In The Wind for her?

7. Are you going to watch the Pro Bowl on Saturday?

The convenient truth

I've been feeling a little depressed the past couple of days. I'm sure that part of it is because football season is over. There's still the Pro Bowl, but that game's about as satisfying as an O'doul's. Near Beer. Humbug! Another reason that I might be feeling a little blue is because I haven't been inside a convenient store in days. I kind of feel like I've lost my direction in life.

When I lived in New Jersey I was on a first name basis with the owner of 7-eleven. Whenever I would come in from work, usually around 4:30 am, John would have a fresh can of Copenhagen waiting for me. Sometimes I would also get a cup of coffee and a buttered roll (a New Jersey thing, I think). If I needed a copy of the newest Playboy or Swank I would send the Birdman in for that while I hid in the car. I could never let John know that I looked at that kind of filth. What would he think of me and why did I care?

I also did the majority of my banking and grocery shopping at 7-11. The fact that I was paying two dollars extra every time I took money out of the MAC (that's what we used to call ATMs back in the early 90's). didn't matter to me. I was making $200 bucks a week. What's two dollars here and there too a guy making that kind of scrap in 1990. My main diet consisted of pop tarts and Mac-n-Cheese also purchased at 7-11. So what if the Mac-n-Cheese had been sitting on the shelf for two years. It still tasted great when I was done cooking it.

Eventually John sold the 7-11 and I moved to DC. While I lived in DC I painted houses for a living. Every morning, Monday through Friday, at 6:30, the paint crew would meet at 7-11. And I would get a cup of coffee and a can of twip. Once a month I would ask one of the degenerates that I worked with to buy me a copy of Swank or Club. This was my routine for 4 or 5 years.

Then I moved to Kentucky in 2000. There are no 7-11's in Kentucky but there are tons of convenient stores that not only sale coffee and twip, but also sale beer and wine till three or four in the morning. Incidentally this is about the same time I started believing in God again. I no longer needed to buy porn rags at convenient stores thanks to the Internet, but whenever I looked at porn on the net I signed on to the Birdman's aol screen name before doing so. This was my routine up until a couple of months ago, and then my life became unraveled. My wife announced that she was pregnant.

All of a sudden I'm on a budget, I don't use twip, I shop at Foodtown, and I bank at a bank, and um... I don't look at porn anymore. A lot has changed in my life in a very short time. It's been great and I feel blessed but I wouldn't exactly call it convenient. I've been flooded with emotion over the past few months, and I think this is why I might be feeling a little depressed today. But I'm not too worried about it... Before you know it the draft will be here.

Steak

The biggest tragedy of yesterday is that I had to cook my steaks on the George Foreman Grill (it's the only grill I own). I generally like my steaks on the bloody side but not when I cook them at home. If I'm going to get sick from eating an undercooked steak it's going to be at Outback or Ruth's Chris Steak House. Luckily I've never gotten Mad Cow Disease from eating at either of these places, but I have turned green once or twice after receiving the bill from Ruth's Chris Steakhouse.

I like to eat wings, pizza bites and other shitty foods on Super Bowl Sunday. I also like to drink at least a few beers. Preferably Budweiser (The King of Beers). True. But I had to work last night which means that I couldn't drink any alcoholic beverages. It's almost sacrilege for Corky to watch the Super Bowl with out a buzz but I didn't have a choice this year. Next year will be different! I won't be fooled again.

Normally I spend the most important day of the year with friends and family up in New Jersey, but because of a conflict of interest aka the child in my wife's belly, I stayed in Kentucky to watch the Super Bowl. Since we were staying home we decided to eat a little better this year and have steaks and a couple of baked potatoes.

The Birdman warned me that steaks have a tendency of coming out a little dry and chewy after cooking them in the Foreman... and they did. But we still enjoyed them. Nothing a little A-1 Steak Sauce couldn't handle. Besides I couldn't even tell you if these steaks would sit well in my stomach or not. Two bites in to my dinner Devin Hester returned the opening kick off for a touchdown, and I immediately shit myself. Good thing the Colts settled down and dominated the Bears.

Snow Day

It's snowing outside which essentially means that Winter begins and ends today (at least where I live). The Groundhog is not going to see his shadow. That's how it works right? Too bad. I was looking forward to six more weeks of winter. I love snow. I probably should have thrown a stick of dynamite in the little bastards hole this morning.

I could sit her and write a post about how much I hate drivers that go into full blown panic attacks over the sight of a single snow flake. I could also bitch and moan ad nauseam about the fact that I live in a place where plowing isn't factored into the city's budget. But fuck that. I'm in a good mood today and like I said, I love snow.

When I discovered that it was snowing outside my biological instincts kicked in. I got dressed in layers, grabbed a football and headed outside to collect the following personnel: The Apologist, Willsix, Kim Jong Ramone, The Birdman, and any other neighborhood miscreant I could dig out of a snow bank along the way. Along the way I found two Healy's, a Marshall, a Kelly and 11 other random nameless faceless kids.

We went to Hillside Elementary School and played football for at least 4 hours. By the end of the game we were soaked and cold. We never dressed appropriately for snow, but this delusion is taking place during the mid eighty's, and things were different back then sony. The game was amazing! The final score was 77 to 3. My team won of course.

After the game we dropped the miscreants back into the snow banks we found them in, and headed over to The Birdman's house to warm up, drink hot chocolate and draw superheroes for a roll playing game that we liked to play. (I've got a thick black notebook full of these drawings, and I will post those pictures some day). If it snows again tomorrow we might go and shovel some driveways for money. I'm sure some of these fucks will want to go sledding at some point. If they twist my arm hard enough I might cave in and go with them.

Out here in the real world it only snowed a couple of inches. Allyson and I are getting our taxes done today. We're also going to continue getting ready for the arival of Corky Jr. Shit... we might even take down the Christmas tree today. Do you think the Doctor would give us permission to go sledding? It's week 17 of the pregnancy. She should be strong enough to handle a good hill at blinding speeds. Right?