Self Worth

My addiction to comments has spilled over into my real life. When I first started blogging I was lucky to get two or three comments in a week and those came from people that I know on the outside. Back in those days 3 comments in one week meant that I wrote some really serious shit. Now I can't function if I don't get at least 30 comments per post. Sometimes I worry that it might be something I wrote, but very quickly that thought dissipates and I blame you for letting your real life interfere with my self worth. That's right, my entire self image is completely contingent on you.

But you're not always available... Sometimes lightning strikes your computer. Sometimes you choose to spend time with your family who's come in from out of town. And even worse than those two examples, sometimes motherfuckers disappear like a fart in the wind overnight(Shawshank Redemption). That's why I now carry a comment box (that looks like a suggestion box) around with me in real life. I need my fucking fix!!! I constantly need comments. Here's how it works: I supply everyone I come in contact with with a pen and stack of index cards, and at first I carried my comment box with me everywhere that I went, but soon afterwords I started wearing it around my neck (this was my wife's suggestion). I encourage the people that I work with to comment on everything about me, from what I'm wearing to how many calories I'm stuffing in my face. If I make a joke and they laugh I encourage them to leave a comment. If they feel uncomfortable signing their names I tell them to leave an anonymous comment when I go to take a piss or get a cup of coffee.

But it gets even worse than that. I can't communicate with Allyson anymore without the comment box. For example, now when we're done having sex and laying in bed afterwords I don't say anything to her. I just pick up the comment box and shake it at her. Yeah. It's gotten that bad. I also recently just put a bumper sticker on my car that says, How's my driving? Please leave a comment at Corkyslog.blogspot.com. I'm also thinking about advertising my blog on billboards all across the Pennsylvania Turnpike. That way I can drum up a whole lot of trucker comments.

Obviously Corky Jr is going to wear a comment box around his neck too, but I'll probably wait until he can hold is head up by himself. Anyway, some of my favorite bloggers are coming back next week. You know what that means don't you? More love for Corky!!!

You complete me. ;)

Not Enough Time

This just in: I've been irritated twice in the last two weeks. I don't like to get irritated. It fouls up my programing. Both times it happened at work and in both instances a serious lack of sleep was the route cause. This is what happened the first time: Blah blah blah blah blah, fucking asshole, blah. I'm sure that you can identify with that situation. The second time was similar except that blah blah blah blah blah, fucking dickhead, blah.

But what I'm really upset about is the fact that I have to cram my writing in to this tiny 3 hour window because I'm going to be way too busy working the rest of the day. It's not fair! How come Author's like Tennessee Williams and Norman Mailer got/get to live in towns as beautiful and inspiring as Provincetown MA where they could/can work exclusively on their crafts? Meanwhile Captain Corky has to do all of his writing here in Louisville, KY, in between fucking shifts no less. Just think If I didn't' have to work today chances are I would have written two really great posts. The title for the first one would have been Captain Corky: Expectant Father, Reformed Miscreant, and Megalomaniac. The Second Post was going to be a commentary piece on blog commenting. Oh well... Back to the fucking grindstone I guess. I just hope I don't have to wait till I'm dead before I become famous. That would really suck!



This post was made possible by the Birdman 33:



I hear there is this slamming new blog at this location:


I encourage you all to check it out.

The Birdman

Attn: Week 34 has Arrived

Honestly, I don't care what you think! I didn't take this picture for the sole purpose of having a picture to post on the log. I love birds, and if you don't believe me read my fucking profile. It even says so there and has for over a year already.

Welcome to week 34 my friends. You may offer your sacrifices at the altar.

As it turns out I didn't go to the shore this weekend, and I forgot to consult with the pregnant woman (aka my wife Allyson) about dragging her to an outside Beatles festival where it's 90 degrees and hot as balls. In other words we didn't go to that either. Nope. I cleaned my toilet instead.

I couldn't imagine my life today without the Brushing Bubbles toilet cleaning system. Could you?
I would definitely be willing to give up the Internet, my cell phone, DVR and drugs in order to keep the single greatest invention of the last 20 years, the Brushing Bubbles toilet cleaning system. Three simple instructions. 1. Clean. 2. Flush. 3. Gone. It's that simple.

For the toilet seat and the rest of my porcelain throne I use Clorox Clean-up. Only after my bathroom smells like the pool at the YMCA am I satisfied with my cleaning job.

It's always a privilege to be the first one to use the toilet after an extremely thorough cleaning. Other comparable satisfying experiences include: 1. A cup off coffee and your first cigarette of the day. 2. Your first beer after 8 hours of working out in the sun. 3. Watching the fourth episode in a Memorial Day Law and Order marathon. 4. Winning the Boston Marathon.

But enough about my toilet already. I also cleaned the kitchen this weekend. Have I ever told you how much I love the Swiffer Sweeper? I may or may not have watched some TV this past weekend, gone to see Pirates 3, or fed the cats. I hope you had a great Memorial Day weekend and got some real cleaning done too. Was it as good for you?

In Remembrance of the Jersey Shore

I have an overwhelming desire to pack my trunk full of beer, put my pregnant wife in the passenger seat of our car, and drive form Louisville Kentucky to Seaside Heights, New Jersey directly after work tomorrow morning. It might even be stronger than just a desire. It might be a biological instinct.

Here's how it works on Memorial Day Weekend. It doesn't matter what decade it is by the way. I spend 4 hours in bumper to bumper traffic on the Garden State Parkway to go 90 miles or so(paying for the privilege to drive on this road I might add). I spend the first 3 or 4 hours in Seaside (commonly referred to by many as Sleaside) trying to find a room because me and my cohorts were too stupid to book a room on the busiest weekend of the year. Finally I find a room for 80 bucks a night, well it's more like a closet, but it has a really uncomfortable cot to pass out on. I'm told not to worry about the yellow police tape or the chalk outline in front of the motel by the woman working behind the counter who barely speaks English, and has flies surrounding her.

I complain about the motel to somebody like the Birdman or Kim Jong Ramone for about 10 seconds, put my shit in the closet and start sucking back a Budweiser. 3 Beers later I feel fantastic and I am in complete love with the ambiance of the Hotel. Especially with its proximity to the closest liquor store, and the ocean of course! Have I ever told you how much I love the ocean. I love the ocean a lot. Holy cow I love it!

Now it's time to get ready to go out. Going out translates to walking up and down the Boardwalk for hours ad-nauseum. Yes... It's true, Captain Corky and Crew had to take lengthy showers, put gel in our hair and cologne on our bodies in order to do this. This can very easily take up to 2 hours especially with the Birdman who used to have to conference to pick out an outfit. I won't scare you by describing some of the outfits we wore.

The real magic happens on the Boardwalk folks. Somebody in your party will throw up from drinking way to much back at the motel. This is mandatory and 100 percent guaranteed. Not me. I can hold my liquor! Hours will pass and inevitably my group of friends will meet two girls for the 5 of us. Happened almost every year without fail. For the four days that I'm there I eat Sicilian Pizza for every meal. And of course stupid looking gorillas will go out of there way to make idotic faces at you. Not much you can do about that but laugh at them.

But the real reason I went every year is not the beer, nor the hot ladies, or the 80 dollar a night motels. It was the Sicilian pizza all along. It doesn't get any better than Sicilian Pizza. Trust me. I think we might have played volleyball on the beach, swam in the ocean and also got some sun while we were there also. ;)

When you get a little older feel free to save 2 hours of your 4 day trip so you can go down to AC and lose about 500 bucks in a half hour, but that's more of a story for my therapist...

Have a fantasitc 3 Day weekend! And make sure to stop by Rockdog's blog to get details about his Saturday night radio show.

Bingo, Bango, Bongo, and Irving

This weekend (here in Louisville, KY) there's a Beatles festival down at the Riverfront. I've been toying around with the idea of going to it, basically taking a page out of Jay's playbook. Jay spends many weekends going to all sorts of festivals. As a matter of fact, just last week he spent an entire afternoon trying to win a Confederate flag by dunking the clansman in the dunk tank. I spend most of my weekends drooling on myself in front of the television set. So maybe, just maybe I'll venture out of the crib this weekend and see what's going on in the world.

Growing up the Beatles were not one of my influences. I was more into bands like the Mosquitoes and the Monkees. Too me the Beatles just seemed really uninspiring and unoriginal unlike Bingo, Bongo, Bango and Irving who undeniably make up the greatest rock band of all time, The Mosquitoes. Now those cats could rock! My favorite song by them is, "He's a loser" If you click on the link you can listen to it over and over, for free.

Still, even though I don't really care for the Beatles music I'm kind of hoping I can hunt down some crystal blue persuasion at this festival, if you know what I mean. Back in the 60's you could get all sorts of fun stuff at concerts that would keep a person like me entertained for hours. But with my luck all they'll have at this Beatles festival are funnel cakes, overpriced beer and rejects from the 60's who still dress in tie dye and want world peace. Fucking idiots!

The more I think about it the better off I'll be staying at home this weekend. I'm sure there's going to be at least 15 Law and Order marathons on TV. Let's see... Dirty rotten hippies, 90 degree temperatures, and terrible music, or Lenny Briscoe and a nice air conditioned apartment with a bottle of Vodka? It's a tough decision folks. I'm going to need at least two days to think about it. World peace...

33

From my point of view it's Monday morning. I have to be at work by 11:00 tonight. Thankfully I got some sleep last night and I'm ready to face week 33. The end of week 32 wasn't too bad. On Friday night I watched two season finales and one series finale with Allyson. Due to all the work I've been doing I missed a lot of primetime television, but I'm all caught up now.

Smallville's season finale was great. Everybody is apparently dead, but somehow I highly doubt that Clark Kent's dead. Call it a hunch.

The Gilmore Girls series finale was pretty good and a little sad. I kind of wish Rory got hit by a bus in the final episode, but any network executive that doen't go after Lauren Graham for a new show should be shot.

And that brings us to Grey's Anatomy. I read on a lot of blogs that people didn't really like the season finale. Are you kidding? It was revealed that Chyler Leigh is joining the cast next season. Don't tell me you've never seen Not Another Teen Movie! It makes fun of every teen movie from the 80's and early 90's. It's a brilliant movie take my word for it, and if you don't believe me just ask the Birdman. Other highly regarded movies from Corky and the Birdman include: Grease 2, and a slew of other great movies.

Saturday was a pretty good day too. I helped a guy I work with paint his house. His name is Nate and he is studying to become a Southern Baptist Minister. He spends most of his time when were together trying to convert me (I must have a sign on my back that screams out "Save Me") but he's actually a really good guy.

Saturday night our friend Erika threw us a baby shower. It was really nice of her and it's now official that Corky Jr. will never where the same outfit twice.

When we got back from the shower I took a picture of the moon.

Sunday I spent the day with my lovely wife preparing for week 40 until Sunday became Monday, roughly around 5 o'clock or so. Then I drank a cup of coffee and wrote this post and now I have to take a piss. Have a great week 33 everyone!

The Stuff

So it's looking like the transfusion is going to be a success. 70 percent of my blood is now 100 percent Colombian medium roast. It's a good thing to because I don't know what I would do without the stuff.

From a psychological stand point anytime I start to feel weak about certain things I make a pot of the stuff. Can't do this, that or the other thing, but I can and will drink coffee. Right after I quit dipping I made a pot of coffee to go with my pot of coffee. I'm just now getting to a point where I don't want to dip and its been almost 2 full months since I quit.

From a physical stand point I've needed a lot of the stuff this week because all I've been doing is working and to be quite honest with you I'm pretty fucking tired. By the way, I apologize If the word fuck offends you. Can I offer you some coffee? Just put your cup under my nose.

From a spiritual point of view whenever the shit has hit the fan I've always reached for the coffee pot first. Coffee's always been there for me, even more so than television. There I said it. Believe it.

Other great coffee drinkers include Alicia and Cheryl.

Help!

1. I still try to sign in to blogger with my old username sometimes. When will the madness end?

2. I burned part of my dinner tonight and it's raining really hard outside right now. Is there any correlation between the weather and my burnt chicken?

3. Jerry Falwell died today, and I don't care at all. Does that make me a soulless bastard who's heading strait to hell? Cause if so, that makes Blancodeviosa one too.

4. What should I do about the Links to blogs that have been abandoned on my sidebar? I don't want the log to start looking like a ghost town, but on the other hand just because a TV show has been cancelled doesn't mean that I don't watch it anymore. Shit, I've been more than completely satisfied with the 79 episodes of Star Trek that I've been watching over and over since I could walk, but still... I just don't know what to do.

5. Rockdog anointed me a television God in his post yesterday. Do you think I'll be able to handle the pressure of being a God, or do you think my delicate psyche will crumble and I'll start shooting Heroine next week?

6. So much to think about while I'm working tonight. Can anybody offer me a xanax or at least a stiff belt before I go?

Corky's Contribution.

My weekend ends in less than 3 hours and It couldn't have gone by any faster! But it was still a good one.

Allyson thought I put the picture of the Baby's room up too soon. I didn't even realize how much more needed to be done. It's a good thing she's on top of things.

We were a half hour late to class on Saturday. Such is the story of my life. I decided to just wear a polo shirt and khakis. I was going to wear the suit but I couldn't find a pair of black socks and I didn't want to look like a schmuck. Some of the guys in the class had the audacity to wear t-shirts and shorts to class. God only knows what's going to become of their children. Hookers, drug addicts, and deadbeats who wind up in jails, institutions or dead I suppose. Tragic.

The class was very informative and we learned that the bumper has to come off the crib and returned or burned immediately per the SIDS Foundation. We also learned, from the Louisville Fire Department, that 90 percent of all people install car seats incorrectly. We're going to a local firehouse to have the baby seat inspected after we install it. And I thought pot made me paranoid... Sheesh.


Sunday we spent Mother's Day over at Allyson's mother's house. I cooked dinner for everyone and it was the best meal Allyson and her Mom and Dad ever had! I didn't think it was all that big a deal. After all, It was only spaghetti and meatballs, but they just wouldn't stop going on about it.

As I was digesting my second plate of spaghetti and bolognese sauce I realized that next year I was going to have to add May, June, and July on to my calender. In the past I spent these ridiculously hot and gloomy months hibernating in my apartment awaiting the triumphant return of football season, but next year I'll be infinitely busier.

Also, Allyson went from being pregnant to being really pregnant over the weekend and Erika thinks that I should add some more super heroes to the wall so I'm off to Target sometime this week to buy the Green Lantern Corps.

Happy Hour

My weekend officially started two hours ago and it couldn't have come at a better time. I'm exhausted folks. We've been busting our asses for the past few days getting this joint ready for the new furniture that came yesterday. I'm 36 years old and I finally have a couch and a love seat that match. This is what I call a fucking miracle.

So pretty much I'm going to do nothing but sack out today (An old 80's expression meaning relax). Tomorrow Allyson and I go to our first parenting class. The hospital offers 6 or 7 of these classes, and I think we're signed up for all of them. I don't think It's mandatory for me to go to breast feeding 101, but It's definitely a good idea for me to learn how to change a diaper before the kid is born. This much I realize.

Do you guys think I should wear a suit to class? It's not like I wanna be friends with any of the assholes that are going to be in class with us, but it's always smart to make a good impression with the teacher. Maybe I'll even bring her an apple. Teachers like that shit.

Anyway, Allyson and Erica got a good chunk of work done in Jr's room over the past week. Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen. Have a splendid weekend my friends.

Captain Corky's Guide to Masculinity

Now that my wife has graduated with a Master's degree It's quite possible that some day she might earn more money than me. Especially considering the fact that I only have a high school diploma, a few college credits from various county colleges around the country, and my good looks. The thought of a woman making more money than me obviously threatens my manhood, and could leave me with permanent psychological damage AKA impotence.

1. Find a manly profession.
After hours of extensive research (sitting at home in the middle of the day watching TBS) I've come to the conclusion that the ultimat profession for men is gunsmithing. I've always wanted to earn an online degree (in as little as 6 months) and since I live in Kentucky my earning potential would be just about limitless as a gunsmith. Anyone who's anyone in Kentucky has a gun. Except for me... my wife won't let me keep a gun in the house.

2. Schedule Tuesday and Thursday as guy's night out.

Tuesday is a good night to bowl. Thursday is a good night to shoot pool. Make sure to talk about gambling, sports and tits. Talking about these things is what separates real men from the wimps. Unfortunately most of my friends live in New Jersey so I usually wind up staying home and spending Tuesdays and Thursdays with my wife.

3. Masturbate at least once every two hours.
You don't even have to cum! Just make sure that you can get it up on command.

I never miss this step.

4. Make sure that you can still bench press at least 200 pounds no matter how many pounds over 200 you weigh.
Do it at least once. It doesn't matter if your heart beats so hard that you feel like your going to die. After about 5 minutes you'll catch your breath and your skin will return to it's natural color. Trust me.

All you have to do is follow these four simple steps and you too can be a man.

Graduation Day

My wife earned her master's degree in English last week and is officially done with school (at least for right this moment). She'll be graduating with honors and I can't begin to tell you how extremely proud I am of her. This final semester has been a bit rough for her with the pregnancy and teaching two sections of English 102 and everything, but she's a real trooper that Allyson. Now all she has to do sit on the couch, get plenty of rest, and take care of me for the next two months.

For those of you that don't know Allyson is just about 8 months pregnant. A lot of books, written by spoiled American housewives, say that I should be rubbing her feet, sleeping on the couch, and doing the grocery shopping during the third trimester. But then I watch the National Geographic channel and see women from other countries, pregnant as can be, carrying 25 pound buckets of water on their heads while walking up hills barefoot in the desert. This has caused some confusion for me. If they can do it why can't she?

OK, I'm probably going to get a foot up my ass for that last paragraph, but Allyson has been cooking since she finished school. She made the best Salmon with carrots and mushrooms the other night. It definitely beats the shit out of what I've been making for the past couple of months.

Another really great weekend has come and gone. Friday night we saw Spiderman 3. Amazing affects! Saturday we avoided the Kentucky Derby and bought tons of baby clothes. Currently we are engaged in an argument about what outfit the baby is going to wear home from the hospital. I'll post a pic of the one that I want real soon. I hope ya'all had a really good weekend!