Still Corky after all these posts!

"Fame has not spoiled me in the slightest. I'm still just as big of an asshole as I was before I became famous."
Captain Corky-6/29/2007

Sunshine wrote a post about fame yesterday that in part inspired me to write this post.

I don't think fame has really changed me all that much. Sure I dress a little snazzier these days, and Allyson and I have two cars, a Lincoln Mercury and a Ford Focus, instead of having to share one measly Ford Escort with a fucked up transmission, but for the most part I'm still as humble as a Jew assigned to carry his own crucifix on his back through the scorching desert sun.

People tend to respect our privacy here in Kentucky, which I am extremely grateful for. As a matter of fact, you would think that I was just another ignorant redneck the way they ignore me here in this apartment complex. Nobody ever asks me for an autograph, or tries to take a picture of me through the blinds while I'm tossing off. I guess this is basically why I use a pen name instead of my own legal name. It's just nice to be able to stroll down the street and share an ice cream cone with my lovely lady.

Here on the Internet I'm about as big as they get, but believe it or not I'm still very interested in what you have to offer and say. The world can be a pretty rotten place folks. You know that and I know that. Everywhere we go we're constantly reminded of this fact. But when I read your blogs I find hope. Even when some of you think that there is none. That's why I continue to read your blogs. Oh and a lot of you are really fucking talented and or funny. That too.

A couple of things: Let's not forget to tune into Rockdog's radio show Saturday night at 12:00 Pm. Keep in mind that after the show you can catch Corky, and the Birdman, hanging out with Rockdog on his webcam. Also, it's exactly 11 days to Post time. Have a great weekend my friends.

T-13 Days, and patiently counting...

As you can tell by the title of this post, Corky Jr has not yet entered the building. I appreciate everyone's continued interest and excitement, and hopefully within the next 13 Days or so he'll be born. If he's a couple days late I'll still be very excited, I'll just be out a thousand bucks, because I took the under in Vegas back in October.

In the meantime let me introduce you to some of Corky Jr's best and only friends. Before I proceed though, please understand that I wanted to buy Corky Jr some toy dynamite sticks and an arsenal of plastic guns, but the super liberal woman I'm married to wouldn't let me. Also, Corky Jr hopefully will have real friends one day but for now these will do just fine.

Quack-Quack (the yellow duck): For the past 55 years Quack-Quack has made his living as a lounge singer. Back in the 70's Quack-Quack was smoking two cartons of cigarettes a week and drinking a bottle of Scotch every night. As a result his voice is a little raspy and he now has a dead goose's liver. Quack-Quack is the leader of the social club that Corky Jr will be a member of sometime within the next 20 days or so. Quack-Quack is a pretty good duck, but is a real pain in the ass if he doesn't get his mandatory 24 ounce cup of coffee before 6:00 am.

Pooh: Pooh is pretty much Pooh. One day he wandered out of the Briar patch and 15 years years later wound up in an apartment in Louisville, Ky. Just like me.

Flat Bear: (Directly to the right of Quack-Quack) The fucker doesn't eat. He's a hell of a nice guy, but it would be nice if he ate a solid meal once in while. He's definitely too uptight about his appearance, that's for sure.

Jelly: (directly behind Flat Bear) Jelly is the first wash cloth in the history of Babies and shit to be promoted to full time stuffed Animal. An accomplishment Jelly never let's anyone forget.

Yogi: (The Bear next to Flat Bear) Yogi has no personality at all, but despite that he's second in command of this group. We're hoping he'll speak after Corky Jr is born.

Dino: (the dinosaur looking thing next to Yogi) Another washed up drunk from Vegas who has nothing better to do with his life than sit in Corky Jr's nursery. He's got some great stories though.

Spot: (the dog) Every group of stuffed animals has to have a dog. Spot is as clean as they get. The dog never drinks, smokes or fucks hookers, yet for some reason the gang keeps him around anyway.

And there you have it folks, Corky Jr's friends.

Love

I googled love and this is the best I could come up with for an image... This is the part where I apologise for the human condition. Although, what a rack and what curves!!!

Anyway, I felt the rain tonight. It reminded me of how happy I am to be alive. It's so easy to forget sometimes... There are a lot of miserable motherfucker's here on this planet, but I'm not one of them, thank God.

I started writing this post after I put a serious dent into a bottle of Vodka on Saturday night. It's now Monday morning and I'm still in love with myself and the world, just not as much if you know what I mean. On Saturday night I became a radio star on Rockdog's radio show, "Rockdog Unleashed." Too bad I didn't start drinking an hour earlier because then the world could have heard what a true Genius I really am... Anyway, that's one more accomplishment I can check off on my long list of goals in life. I'm even thinking about starting my own radio show at some point, but what I really want out of life is a Saturday morning cartoon about me. That's when I'll truly know I've made it.


Week 38 is hear ya'all. The baby can come at anytime. Maybe later today, maybe tomorrow. 15 days till the due date. That's it. Can't wait!

Saturday Night

Saturday night is the most relaxing time of the week to me. It's when I like to unwind, read the paper, and sip my tea. When I was a kid Saturday night was the best night of the week for television, because Star Trek, Emergency, The Love Boat, and Fantasy Island were on. Arguably the greatest line up in the history of television. Saturday night television has never recovered from the cancellation of The Love Boat in 1987. Good thing for me I started going to to clubs, drinking, and dating broads or who knows what I would have done. I guess that's a lot of the reason why I did start drinking and using drugs in the first place. I just couldn't cope with the loss that the Love Boat left in my soul. No more happy endings by hour's end...

A lot of stuff has happened to me between now and 1987. Feel free to read about some of it in the archives or you can even make some shit up if you want. Whatever floats your boat.

It is now 2007 and Saturday night is tomorrow. I think I may have finally found just the thing to patch the hole in my soul that The Love Boat left. Rockdog's radio show, Rockdog Unleashed! It airs every Saturday night at 12:00 AM Eastern Standard time. It's much better, and funnier than that horse shit Saturday Night Live. Who watches that show anymore? After the radio show, which is a half hour, Rockdog usually hangs out on his webcam and has a therapy session. It's good stuff. Last week it was just me, Rockdog and some fucking freak that just likes to watch Rockdog at his computer, but we had a good time. You should join us. Oh and feel free to drink as much as you want, because at least when it's time to throw up you'll be doing it in your own toilet bowl or maybe on your rug, but who cares. ;)

Now Rockdog isn't Issac the Bartender, but he's the next best thing. So if you're not going to a rave to do some Extacy or sleeping by 11:30 PM because you have the mindset of my 94 year old grandmother, then come on over and listen to the Rockdog. I hear he's going to have a very special show this week.

Week 37

As of yesterday Allyson is officially Full Term! For those of you wet behind the ears that means that she's 37 weeks pregnant and basically ready to go. It seems like just yesterday I was cramming a wad of Copenhagen in between my bottom lip and gums when I got the call from Allyson (I was in NJ at the time visiting friends and family, while she was stuck in dreadful Louisville, Ky because she had to work).

I've changed so much since that initial phone call. I have a new sense of spirituality. I'm not sure when I started to change. Maybe it was the first time I heard the baby's heart beat or maybe it was when I saw the ultra sound, but it could have started way before that. Maybe I started to change when I decided to throw out my entire porn collection. I mean, what kind of DAD would I be if Corky Jr stumbled across Jane and 101 Dalmatians. I do admit to keeping my Jessica Hahn Playboy video though. She's kind of Spiritual too... Needless to say I've changed a lot of my not so suitable for fatherhood behavior since I found out we were having a kid, and I also feel like I have a new out look and perspective on life, all brought on from the love I have for someone I haven't quite exactly met yet.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still me, and I definitely love me some me, but I just feel like I have to be slightly more responsible now. That's all. Just slightly. Anyway, I have a few questions that I would like to ask you fine people since I am now a responsible adult.

1. How many people are in your household and how much money do you spend at the grocery store weekly? I need a benchmark.

2. Should I continue to spend 6 bucks a week on bottled water or should I get a Brita Filter?

3. Do you think I should pay for my Tater Mitts with a check or a credit card? $19.95 isn't bad for such a useful product!

I'll have plenty more questions in the future, but for today I think these three will do.

About the Author

Right now I'm a wooden puppet, but one day hopefully after I've learned to control my compulsive lying and masturbating I'll be turned into a real person. I can almost guarantee you that when I do become a real person I'll look like this, give or take 30 pounds. I plan on having Chicken and brown rice for dinner for the next 30 years, because the pop tart and coke diet I've been on for the last 10 years isn't working for me anymore.

I was born in North Carolina, adopted at the age of 3 by two very nice short people from NJ, moved to DC when I was 24 or 25 (who can remember any more), and now at, 36, I live in Kentucky with my wife Allyson (who sometimes helps me with my grammar issues, but now she's gone to sleep so I'm basically fucked from this point in the post forward), and we're expecting our first child in a few weeks.

Since our son is going to be born in Kentucky, Allyson and I have decided to name our baby boy Cletus. By naming our son Cletus, not only will we perpetuate the stereotype that everyone who's from Kentucky is named Cletus, but also everyone who meets him will have a funny little anecdote to tell at a party. Something along the lines of, "I actually know a dude named Cletus, and he really is from Kentucky."

The last paragraph is a prime example of my compulsive lying disorder. Anyway, I thank you very much for taking time out of your life to read the log, and I hope you come back 3 or 4 times an hour.

Father's Day.

The first year I played little league I sucked balls. I was so bad that I couldn't even catch a ball that was thrown at my face. I got beamed in the eye really bad before the season even started, and I spent most of that season on the bench. But despite that, my father was there.

When I first started practicing Tae Kwon Do I used to get my ass kicked so hard that my father would have to carry me up the stairs to my room because I was too sore to walk up the stairs myself.

When I was a kid my father used to stand behind the fence at home plate and watch me hit or miss. Never said one word. But never the less he was there for every game.

I blame the bastard for my fishing addiction. He took me and Billy Kelly to Verona Park once. We made home made fishing poles out of sticks, string, and paper clips. All because I was naive enough to believe that Amy Kessler caught a Tuna, in the Bermuda Triangle, with a paper clip as a hook. But that's a story for another time...

I once got into a fight with a neighborhood kid, and I caught my father watching. The good news is that I won the fight.

My father? He's a freak, just like me. The dude never whore a mitt when we used to play catch. Never.

I got hit in the head with a hockey stick once, and had blood squirt out of the side of my head as the doctor patched me up. My father was there holding my hand at the time. He told me it was water...

My father and I have had our differences. Been at each others throats a thousand times, but sfw (so fucking what). The stuff that matters to me now, and will for the rest of my life is picturing him standing behind home plate. Not any of that other bull shit!

I know my father is going to be a great grandfather. I just hope I'm half as good a father as Jack is.

"Scott Baio's 45 and Single:" coincidence or divine intervention?

While most of you are boating, water skiing, barbecuing and working 0n your base tans this Summer, I am sitting inside my home searching for good Summer television programming. That's just part of what I do. To be completely honest with you, I'd almost given up hope. I just can't swallow another episode of Grey's Anatomy. I like the show, but I just can't watch Denny Duquette die for a 5th time. It's too gut wrenching. I was all set to turn my television off until September and read some books, but then I came across an advertisement for a new reality show on Vh1, "Scott Baio's 45 and single."

Part of my inspiration for this post came from Terri over at The Ruddell Times. Check her out!

Baio's new reality series premiers July 15th at 10:30 PM on VH1. Not only is my faith in television restored for the Summer, but my faith in mankind is restored as well. Happy Days is in my top 10 favorite shows of all time. It's one of the few shows that doesn't take place in New York or Outer Space that I really love. I'm also a pretty big fan of Charles in Charge too. I just love that Buddy Lembeck. Nicole Eggert's not bad either. I don't know, things just don't seem right with the world when Baio's not working on television. It only seems right that my son be born the same month as Baio's resurrection. Life is fantastic my friends.

Tomorrow (Friday) I'm guest posting over at Sunshine's place. Make sure to check it out. As long as you're not boating, water skiing, barbecuing or working on your base tan of course.

Questionnaire

I just don't think that I would wear dark or colored socks while I was fishing. I guess it's a cultural or generational thing. I would and do sit in a chair when I'm fishing for catfish sometimes. A lot of people say that you have to be really patient to fish. I say you have to be really compulsive. Trust me, I'm not the most patient person in the world, but I could definitely make a run at grand champion most compulsive person ever. Other compulsive activities Captain Corky likes to engage in are drinking, gambling, Football, comic book collecting, and blogging. But don't worry I've never jerked off or had sex more than 6 times in one day. I've heard horror stories that involve skin coming off, but like I said, even I have my limits.
Question's number 1 and 2: Do you like to fish? And what is the most amount of times you've tossed off in one day?
When I was younger I used to get really anxious right before a weekend camping trip or a birthday party. Now in days I get really anxious in January and February waiting for the playoffs. Lately I'm anxious all the time in anticipation of Corky Jr's birth. It's OK to be a little anxious every now and then but this 24/7 shit's for the birds. It doesn't go away! I wake up, I'm anxious, I take a piss, I'm anxious, I eat a really shitty dinner, I'm anxious, I write a blog post, I'm really super fucking anxious. I've never caught a fish that made me feel anxious enough to get back to land, but some day I will. On top of feeling anxious all the time I also feel really giddy.
Question's 3 and 4: What makes you feel anxious now? And then?
I guess part of what's making me feel really anxious lately is the fact that I don't have the schematics in place for the birth-day. I guess I've just watched way to much golden and silver age television. Allyson is probably going to have to carry the suitcase in one hand and me in the other. Perhaps I will draw up the plans for the extraction and post them on this here blog within the next couple of weeks.
Question 5: How many times a week do you eat dinner without the television on?

Introspection

Today marks exactly one month till the baby's due date. Surprisingly, I didn't shit my pants when I woke up this morning. Nope. Instead I went to the gym where I walked on the treadmill and thought about stuff. Well, I really only thought about stuff in between commercials of Law and Order Special Victims Unit. There's no way I could get through an entire hour on a treadmill with just my thoughts and pain to entertain me. I also realize that Special Victims Unit is probably the last show on earth a person should be watching a month before his or her child is born, but what can I say? I like Ice T.

I thought about a lot of things this morning. I thought about my adoption, my family and friends, the battles with my compulsive nature, my years practicing TKD, the places I've lived, and things I've seen. I also thought about Allyson and her family and everything I know about them. I realize that's a lot to think about. Especially if you consider your standard commercial block is three to five minutes long. But the question that keeps coming up in my mind is what am I going to do if Corky Jr does not like Super Heroes?!? I don't know how I would cope with that...

When my friends and I were younger we used to gauge new kids that came around by their imaginations. If a kid couldn't pretend he was a super hero and meet or exceed our expectations(and we had pretty high fucking standards) then pretty much the kid was labeled as having a personality disorder, and not having a mind of his own. What happens if this is Corky Jr?
What happens if he would rather play with a Tonka truck than with a Superman action figure? These are the kinds of questions that plague me in between commercial breaks! What if he doesn't like to fish? What if he doesn't like Football?!? What if he's not a complete clone of me? Gasp! What if he doesn't like the log, How the fuck am I going to deal?!? I could really use a Xanax right now.
Okay...I just breathed into a brown paper bag. I'm OK now. I guess no matter what I'm going to love him, but those are some really scary thoughts up there.

Anyway, everything is pretty much in order around here. Even Corky Jr's first costume (special thanks to Erika for supplying the paint and the canvass) hand painted by yours truly is ready to go. I need more action figures for the wall, and I need more wall for the wall, but that stuff will come in time.

Dilemma

I've got a serious problem, and I could really use some sound advise. It's kind of hard to talk about so I'm just going to lay all my cards on the table... On July 13th Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix comes out. Of all the movies that have and are coming out this Summer I want to see this one the most. Even more than Fantastic Four 2. I've already seen Pirates 3 and Spiderman 3, but if I had to choose only one to see this Summer it would be Harry Potter. The big dilemma is that Corky Jr is due on July 10th. Allyson thinks he's going to arrive July 15th (which would be perfect) but I just know it's going to be on July 12th at 11:45 PM. That's just how my life works.

I'll be standing in line for the new Potter flick and BAM! Allyson's water will break. When this happens do you think Allyson will get mad if I call her a cab and meet her at the Hospital 2 and half hours late? I just can't miss this fucking movie. I just can't. Plus, there will be plenty of time between her water breaking and Corky Jr being born. Worst case Scenario: Allyson's mother video tapes it, and I watch the birth of my first child on DVD. Nothing wrong with that. I watch Star Trek on DVD all the time!

If she has Corky Jr before July 12th then I'm going to have to wait till it comes out on Video. Luckily I have some major connections in Vietnam and I'll only have to wait a week. There's a pretty healthy Vietnamese community here in Louisville so I'm sure I'll be able to find someone to translate the movie for me. But still, Id rather not go that root. What do you guys think?

Dilemma number 2 was solved by Sunshine a couple of days ago when she asked me to guest post on her blog while she's out of town later this month. I said that I would, and she told me that she would return the favor. This is great! Here's how it will work: 1. Allyson's water breaks. 2. I page Sunshine to let her know that I will need a guest post immediately. Maybe some stories about the birth of her kids. 3. Once we have that situation secure then I will contact the doctor and the hospital to let them know that the Corky Jr express is on it's way. Simple as pie. In the meantime you should spend some time getting acquainted with Sunshine today. She wrote two post's today and is in the middle of painting her basement.

Captain Corky: Finally Revealed?

First of all I would like to thank all of you for the blast we had with the last post. You guys are really great sports and a lot of fun! Did I just call ya'll sports? Anyway, thanks to all my new self worth I was able to leave my home on Saturday (without the comment box) and have a great day out and about with my wife. First we went to Kroger (grocery store) to buy Powerball tickets and shampoo. I also picked up a new pair of Sunglasses because I thought I lost my old pair. I never spend any real dough on sunglasses because I lose them or get paint on them almost immediately. But this time I went above and beyond and spent 20 bucks on a new pair. I know! Crazy right? I can hear most of you gasping as I type this, but sometimes you just have to take risks in life and not worry about the consequences. Incidentally, I found my old pair as soon as we left the grocery and got back in the car. (I couldn't find any pictures of myself with the new sunglasses on so I asked my dear ol' friend Keith if I could post a picture of him. Much to my suprise he said yes, I guess he's a little happy that he finally lost some weight, but still has plenty to go. According to him anyway).

Last night after a delicious catfish dinner we went to the movies and saw Knocked Up. It's probably the funniest movie I've seen in the last 10 years or so, and I'm not just saying that because Allyson and I are expecting (but I'm sure that doesn't hurt). The last time I remember laughing this hard at something that I didn't write or say myself was probably when I watched Clerks for the first time with the Birdman. Tons of pregnant, and pot jokes. A decent plot and funny motherfuckers. Right up my alley! Not to mention Izzie's in it too. Allyson loved it to and was crying by the end. Month 8 will do that to a broad.

I read some of the reviews for Knocked Up this morning and they're pretty incredible. I expect to read the Birdman's full review of this movie sometime this week hopefully.