Maxman

I finally decided to pull the trigger and post a picture of Max on the log. A lot of people have been wondering what he looks like and have been asking me to post a picture of him for a long time now.

My sister made this onesie for Max and he has at least two more in bigger sizes. She did such an amazing job on these that I'm putting in an order for four Supermans, three Kirks, two Green Lanterns and a Robin. I wouldn't mind a couple of Ralph Mouths or Pottsie Webbers( Happy Days) either, but I better not push my luck.

Despite his smile, Max has a pretty bad cold so I don't know how much trick-or-treating he'll be doing today. Plus, he's not even 4 Months old yet, but that's not going to prevent me from getting mines this evening! I'll probably go around to the same 5 or 6 neighborhoods all night long and just wear diffrent costumes.

I hope I don't get any rocks this year...

Happy Halloween my friends!

How do I feel?

I feel fucking angry and cheated, that's how I fucking feel. How dare JJ Abrams! How dare he not include William Shatner in the new Star Trek film! Abrams and Paramount are dead to me.

I've been receiving emails and comments around the clock on this subject, or as I now refer to them, condolences. This is what Sunshine wrote to me in an E-mail this weekend,

"I've read the reports about Shatner not being in the new Star Trek movie. Are you feeling OK? I was worried this news might result in hospitalization. Light a candle, dude, light a candle and observe a moment of silence for Kirk."
Terri also left a link to the obituary in a comment on my last post. I first heard the news from a very good friend of mine named Debbie from back home. I just want to thank all of my friends who've been here for me during this dark and sad time in my life. It's been a really rough weekend and I'm just now beginning to try and make sense of it all.

Lost, Alias and anything else associated with Abrams are all now forbidden in my house hold and on the this log. I just wonder how I'm going to tell my wife since both of those shows are two of her favorites, but I'll deal with that hurdle when I come to it. Don't cry for Captain Corky... After all, I still have Jr to live for... and Star Trek the complete television series, the animated series, all the movies, tons of action figures, and all of the adventures I created in my own head.

What about me God?

Dear God,

How come you like Tom Brady better than me? Tom Brady has won 3 Super Bowls, has millions of dollars, dates Super Models, and is perfect in almost every way. I on the on the other hand, have never even played high school football, have less than millions of dollars, only dated a hand full of girls most of whom I met in taverns at 3:00 o'clock in the morning or at lock-ins that the Birdman dragged me to back in the early 90's (my perfect wife excluded of course) and clearly I am not perfect. But again I ask, why is Tom Brady > than me?

I realize that at times in my life I've batted under 500 when it comes to obeying The 10 Commandments, but I find it hard to believe that Tom Brady never coveted his neighbours wife when he was young and dumb. Oh wait... Tom Brady's perfect and he's your favorite son. It wouldn't surprise me in the slightest to find out that you like Tom even better than you like Jesus. In the great pecking order for all eternity it goes: Tom Brady, Jesus, Corky.

I apologize for venting my frustrations to you in this manner, and I realize that you're very busy what with the End Times coming very soon and what not, but I just thought I would be honest and share my feelings with you. I feel much better now.

The Coot

Most art enthusiasts travel all over the world and spend thousands of dollars to look at great works of art. Not me. I only drive about 7 miles and spend 22 bucks (dinner for two) to look at the finest piece of art I've ever seen. As a matter of fact, I would give my left arm to add this piece to my collection. It's called, Pennsylvania Game Birds and it hangs on a wall in the former smoking section of a Cracker Barrel restaurant located at 2701 Crittenden Dr in Louisville, KY. There's all sorts of birds, turkeys, and ducks flying, swimming and standing... just waiting to be shot and served at the dinner table. It's been years since I had me some duck.

Unfortunately, stealing the picture would be impossible, because out of all the Cracker Barrels in the world the one on Crittenden Dr is the busiest! True. I know this because a very pregnant waitress told me and Allyson when Allyson was pregnant with Max. Have you ever tried to get a table at a Cracker Barrel on Sunday morning after church has let out? This place is like that on a Tuesday afternoon at 2:30 PM.

I also like the picture of the African American pilot dressed like snoopy underneath the bottom left of the PA Game Bird poster but I wouldn't steal that one. They've got all sorts of cool shit on the walls at Cracker Barrel. Old cigarette brands, tools, spears etc. The works! And all would make great additions to my collection, but my heart and soul will always belong to Pennsylvania Game Birds.

Here's a picture of a Coot. One of the many game birds of Pennsylvania.

Is Rum Fergalicious?

I guess the most important thing that I learned from my last post is that you guys really, really like Captain Morgan Rum.

I don't get it... I've been drinking for at least 21 years and I still don't understand Rum... When I lived in Washington DC I was drunk for almost 4 years and I drank everything from Dewar's Scotch to Carlo Rossi, but rum never did anything for me. Maybe Rum is a Rock-n-Roller drink. I've noticed that people who are big concert goers, and really like music like Rum. I'm listening to Fergie right now and I don't think Rum drinkers really like Fergie. I can tell you one thing though, the smell of Rum does not linger on my skin.

When I first moved to the Nation's Capital a lot of the time I would be so strapped for cash that on football Sundays all I had enough money for was to ride on the Metro, and buy a 4.99 jug of wine, but don't feel sad for me. I made it work. ;)

After about a year I got a job painting houses and I could finally afford to drink the good stuff every night of the week. This is what I learned:

Vodka is number 1: I can drink it when I'm happy, sad, or angry. It's my booze of choice. I usually stick with Smirnoff. Some Vodka snobs treat Smirnoff like it's rail vodka, but it's not. It's middle of the road and it's okay. I usually don't dip below Smirnoff, and very rarely do I get sick from drinking Smirnoff. When I'm drinking with hi-brow people maybe I'll drink Kettle One, or Sky. I guess I like Belvedere the best out of the boorish snob Vodkas.

Beer is number 2: I don't know if anything beats a three beer Budweiser buzz. Obviously I could talk about drugs in this spot (sports radio lingo) but children read this blog. A good beer buzz after doing physical work all day really hits the spot. The same could be said about a 3 beer buzz on an empty stomach. Also, there's something to be said about the aspects of the physical buzz. You can't really get that from drugs and every once in a while it's nice to love everybody. Acid and pot can be so heady!

Number 3 is Whiskey: Whiskey and Scotch are for when you're having an intimate time with close friends, or your sick. Probably it's not a good idea to sleep with someone while you're sobering up form scotch or whiskey. Please note: If you've had too much to drink don't panic if you throw up. Barf, breathe, and continue where you left off. I only recommend this advise for seasoned veterans like me myself and my liver.
An Irish Coffee works wonders for a cold. I should know, that's what I used to drink at the local bar when I was feeling under the weather.
Wine: I haven't practiced enough to really talk wine, but I enjoy a good red wine and I loved the movie Sideways.

Another good thing about wine is that you can pretend you're not a drunkard when you drink it. I drank a lot of wine tonight, but I think it's okay because I've been working really hard lately and I deserve it. I don't have a drinking problem and it's not inappropriate for a 37 year old man to have the same kind of lust and zeal for liquor that a 17 year old kid has. Plus, you're learning what took me 21 fucking years and way too much cash to learn. If I ever stop drinking I'm going to miss it like a child misses it's blanket (Inspired sentence by Fergie, "Big Girls Don't Cry").

Tequila: Crazy. Fun. Crazy.

Please explain what I'm missing with Rum.

Captain's Day

On October 22nd In the year 2092 a new holiday will supersede Christmas as the world's most celebrated Holiday of the year. The name of this future holiday will be called Captain's Day.
How do I know this? A gypsy that I payed 5 bucks to read my palm on the boardwalk in Seaside Heights, NJ in 1993 told me. The Birdman was with me that day, and all we were trying to find out was who was going to get laid that weekend. That's all I wanted from this gypsy already, and yet she sprung that really heavy shit on me. I really haven't given it much thought since I walked out of the fortune teller's booth all those years ago. I was way too busy starring at the braciols walking up and down the boardwalk.

The Gypsy didn't really give me any details as to why this happens, but she did tell me about a lot of the customs and traditions that go along with Captain's Day. For Example, songs are sung on Captain's Day like, The First Drunken Stupor, Oh Come all Ye Commenters, and Oh Vodka Bottle. Also, A famous picture of Captain Corky will be drawn depicting the Captain eating dinner with a lot of other famous Captains, like Captain Stubing, Captain Kangaroo, and Captain and Tennille. The name of the future masterpiece will be called the Captain's Table. Please note that Captain Morgan will not be invited to eat dinner or make merry with us at the Captain's table because we rarely drink rum, and when we do it's always Bacardi 151.

By the way, any similarities between Christmas and Captain's Day are completely coincidental and really you can't compare the two. On Christmas Day you might wish somebody a Merry Christmas, but on Captain's Day you always say, "Bottoms UP" or "Cheers." You never say, "Merry Captain's Day!" It's also important to understand that alcohol sales for Captain's Day will completely obliterate alcohol sales for New Years Eve and St Patrick's Day combined. Every Year.

Again, the gypsy never told me why the world would be celebrating Captain's Day every October 22nd, I guess we're all going to have to wait and find out how it happens together. Incidentally, I wound up hooking up with some chick from Upstate New York that weekend and after about 45 minutes of kissing and a little petting she spent the rest of the night crying. Clearly it wasn't Captain's Day, or night for that matter.



PS Autumn is finally here!

It isn't easy being Corky

This post is inspired in part by Kermit the Frog, Britney Spears, toxic paint fumes, and Rupert Holmes.

For those of you that have been wondering where I've been lately let me assure you that I'm not drunk in a gutter somewhere, although that would be a lot of fun.

For those of you that don't care where I've been I'm hurt. Really hurt. Heart broken as a matter of fact. I thought you loved me, and I though that I was the most important person in your life...

Put it this way: I'm so far behind on television that as of 10:00 PM Monday night I will be two weeks behind on Heroes. It's been so long since I've had sex or tossed off that I'm starting to have nocturnal emissions again. Please Note: That sentence may be a complete lie. I'm a complete mess I tell you.

My son is now sleeping in his crib after three months, and it's time to retire his bassinet. I'm a little sad over the fact that he's not sleeping in our room anymore. :( I'm either going to pour gasoline over the bassinet and set it on fire or I'm going to dump it in the Ohio River.

I have about a week left on a paint job I've been working on since last week, but as soon as I'm done look out! "I'm coming and hell's coming with me." Spread the word, Captain Corky's coming to town.

Today

Part of me wanted to eat a couple of Peanut Butter sandwiches for dinner when I got home from work this morning. Another part of me wanted to have turkey, Swiss cheese and salami on toasted whole wheat bread instead. That part of me won. No onions, lettuce or tomatoes ever go on my sandwiches. Never!

Currently I'm in the middle of doing a side painting job which should take me about another week and half to complete, but today I'm not going painting, because I'm staying home to watch the kid. I'm thinking about packing him up and going to the mall with him to Stair at MILFS while I drink a cup of coffee.

I also wanna steal shit from the Hallmark store and throw it in Max's baby carriage, but I know that if I get caught Allyson will kill me, and I know that the women in the Hallmark store will be fawning over Max and I'll never get the chance to make my move. Plus, I'm 37 years old and it's really inappropriate to steal Christmas ornaments and pixie figurines when you're 37 and male.

Or maybe I'll take him fishing with me today. That way I can use four poles instead of two. Two for me and two for Max. Perfect. I could attach a fishing pole holder to his car seat and if he goes flying into the lake I'll know he has a big one on the line, but don't worry, I'll go after him.

OK, maybe I'll just stay home and wipe drool off of Max's chin all day. That's always fun.

Max looks like he's having a lot of fun playing with my mom in this picture.

How many times a month do you clean your toilet?

1. Last night at work I blew a golden opportunity to take a dump in one of the toilets that had just been cleaned, because I didn't have to go.

2. On Saturday night I had two beers. It was nice, but I should have drank them a little faster and probably had a couple more. Then I would have had a really nice buzz. I might have even been a little drunk, but I guess it wasn't meant to be.

3. There's an official drought here in Kentucky. It doesn't really affect Louisville because of the Ohio River. They're talking about building a pipe line from Louisville to Lexington. Interesting stuff. Know what I mean?

I just started an outside painting job last week, and droughts are usually good when a person needs to do some work outside, but guess what? It rained two days last week for the first time in months. That figures. Really, I didn't mind though. As far as I'm concerned it was just more time to spend with Max, Allyson and TV.

How was your weekend? What did you do? What did you learn, and how has your perspective changed?