Captain Corky's Sure Fire Baby Diet

This post was inspired by my wife Allyson and our friend Erika.

A while back I decided that the only way to really change my lifestyle and eating habits was to go back to basics, and start from the beginning.

That's right folks, Stage 1 of Captain Corky's Sure Fire Baby Diet starts off with three months of only drinking breast milk, or formula, shitting myself without a care in the world, and sleeping whenever the hell I feel like it.

Formula's really underrated. The shit tastes great and I didn't mind drinking it every two to three hours for the first month. I'm sure it wasn't pleasant for my wife when I woke up in the middle of the night crying for the nipple, but she's a real trooper that Allyson. Max didn't mind waiting for me to finish my bottle either, but you know how babies are... very accommodating.

Breast milk speaks for itself. Almost as enjoyable as a glass of vodka.

After that I started eating a bowl of fruit and a bowl of vegetables a couple of times a day. I call this stage 2 of Captain Corky's Sure Fire Baby Diet. I didn't really care for many of the vegetables at first. Take squash for example, that shit fucking sucks. I like peas, but I prefer them to be solid and cooked with some butter. Not over cooked though. People in the south love to overcook everything, but that's a post for another time...

Stage 3 of C,C's Sure Fire Baby Diet is just more vegetables and fruit with a little more variety and chunks. I guess I eat oatmeal or rice with my fruit in the morning. I'm still shitting myself, but I feel a lot better and have lost weight. For the first time in a long time I feel like me again (that's the kind of shit you have to say when pitching your diet).

Testimonials from others who are currently enjoying great success on Captain Corky's Sure Fire Baby Diet:

Sally: Former Meth Addict and current Stage 3 Infant

"I couldn't believe it, but when I looked in the mirror one morning I had a baby tooth in my mouth. I never thought it possible, but I'm going to have teeth again! Thank you Captain Corky's Sure Fire Baby Diet."

Bob: Middle aged 350 pound bald guy Stage 1 Newborn.
" Almost over night the hair on my knuckles started to retract and there was hair on my head. Thanks to Captain Corky and his miracle diet, I'm going to get laid again!!!"

Rick: Freak with a baby fetish

" I don't know about all this Sure Fire Baby Diet business... but I sure do love it when my wife changes my diaper and burps me."

Alice: Old lady who feels young again Stage 3 Almost Toddler
" I really enjoy being able to get on the ground and crawl around with my great grandchildren. It's really a pleasure. I'm leaving all of my money and worldly possessions to Captain Corky, and fuck my damn kids if they try to contest the will."

For more information about Captain Corky's Sure Fire Diet please email Captain Corky at Corkyhimself@aol.com or leave a comment in the comment box. You know where it is. ;)

Super Bowl

Can Eli and the Giants win the Super Bowl next Sunday? That's the question that I'll be entertaining all week via sports talk radio, email, schmuck on the street, annoying co-worker, wife, son, and even stripper. It doesn't matter, I'll listen to any assholes opinion.

Other things that are on my mind this week: Nothing.

So who do you think is going to win the Super Bowl? And if you don't care, what's wrong with you?




I'm not sure that Max cares about the Super Bowl, but I'm willing to forgive that. For now...

No Dr Martin Luther King boxer shorts at Old Navy

As some of you may know, today is Dr. Martin Luther King Day. I could go on and on about his contribution to history and talk about how incredible he was, but I would hope by now you all know it.

But I'm not sure that you're aware of his contribution to Star Trek...

Nichelle Nichols was contemplating leaving the show. Why, I'll never understand, but she was ready to quit, and then she ran into King, who told her that she had to stay on the show. He talked about how important is was for a black woman to have a prominent role on a network television show, and she said in an interview she gave Captain Corky that it gave her the chills. She may have even cried. I would have balled my eyes out if I had a chance to talk with Dr. Martin Luther King about Star Trek.

Turns out he was a big fan of the show, and really, who isn't? I hope you take some time today to reflect upon King's contributions. Without Uhara on Star Trek who would have answered the phone on the enterprise? Plus, we mustn't forget TV's first interracial kiss between Kirk and Uhara.

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willSIX butts in:



To this day, I wonder if the only way they could get this on TV was to make it so Kirk was being mind controlled into kissing Uhura.

Learn All That Is Learnable

This is the time of the year when I usually start turning my attention back towards television. For the last 6 months or so our main focus has been on Max, and Pro Football. Now there are only two weeks left in the season, and Max is at an age where he can truly start to appreciate all of the wonderful magic that television has to offer, it's time to start teaching him everything I know.

Tentative Weekday Schedule:

8:00 to 8:15: Max will drink his bottle.

8:15 to 9:00: Since breakfast is considered to be the most important meal of the day, it's only fitting that we watch Star Trek at this time. Max will learn about diversity, problem solving (thinking outside the box) hope, and he will learn to place his trust in humankind...

9:00 to 9:30: To better help Max understand the nature of my relationship with Allyson this is where we will watch the Honeymooners. There are about four or five shows on CBS that are all, The Honeymooners. I'm talking about The King of Queens and all those other cheap Charley Sheen ripoffs of Gleason's finest work, but we'll stick to the original, thanks.

9:30 to 10:30: Nap.

10:30 to 10:45: Cereal and fruit. Coffee for Corky.

10:45 to 11:15: Friends have always been very important to me, and I consider my closest friends to be part of my family. Max will learn how to form lasting friendships and integrate friends with family from Happy Days. I don't trust people who separate friends from family, and it's been my experience that people who do are mutts. A mutt is dog with no heart according to Calogero Anello from a Bronx Tale.

11:15 to 12:00: A lot of people and this country place a great deal of emphasis on work. I don't know that I completely agree with work, but because I have to keep the heat on in the house I do it. We will alternate between the A-Team and Justice League Unlimited to learn about working with people you don't necessarily get along with.

12:oo to 1:00: Morality is a big issue here in this world. I think the Twilight Zone does a fine job of tackling morality. Plus, nothing wrong with a little mind fuck to make things interesting.

1:00 to 1:15: Milk.

1:15 to 1:45: "Cleanliness is next to Godliness" or something like that, Of all the neurotics who clean on television, Felix Unger is the best of the best. He will teach Max how to clean up after himself, and keep a clean house.

1:45 to 7:00: Max will be with either his Mother or Grandmother. This is where he'll learn to smoke, curse and play Craps.

7:oo: to 7:15: Dinner.

7:15 to 8:00: At the end of the day Max has to learn about redemption. He's not quite ready for Star Wars yet, so we'll watch Highway to Heaven for now.

8:00 to 8:30: Bedtime ritual. Milk.

Please Note: Weekends are family time, and that's when we'll be watching Bonanza. Obviously when I say family I mean friends too.

Other shows that Captain Corky will be catching up on: Studio 60, The Office, Seinfeld, and Smallville just to name a few.

Stomach Flu

Sick, that's what I am. Some kind of stomach flu. My mouth and ass have been racing to see which one can empty my stomach out faster. It hasn't been fun at all. Projectile vomiting, diarrhea, nausea, and fever just to name a few of my favorite symptoms. My wife and mother in law both came down with the same flu, hours apart. Taking care of Max on Tuesday night/Wednesday morning was really a lot of funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
Thank God he didn't get it!

But I've had a lot of time to think during this very dark time in my life... We all need to be kinder to our asses. I'm going to go back to basics. Each and every time I go to the bathroom I'm going to treat my nether region the same way I treat Max's. Butt Paste, Diapers, wet wipes, the works! No more of this 2 grit toilet paper for my ass. Only the best!

This whole episode hasn't been a complete disaster though, I think I lost about 10 pounds on my ginger ale and chicken broth diet. I also think there's some color returning to my face today. That's always a good thing. Hopefully I'll be able to eat something a little sturdier for dinner tonight. Maybe some jello. Yum. But part of me wants a bloody steak and a baked potato, so I must be feeling a little better.

How's your week going? What epiphanies have you had this week?
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willSIX adds:

For those who were unable to attend, here is a short video of dinner at Chez Corky the week:

State of the Log: 2008

Birdman, Ms. Tuesday, Willsix, distinguished Roll Call Members, Mom, and fellow Corkians: (Applaud Here)

2007 is over, and although it was a great year for Captain Corky and company, we mustn't rest on our laurels. (Applaud Here)

2008 is almost a week old, and there's so much to do! We've only started to inspire the human race... Without sounding too much like Karen Carpenter, "We've only just begun." (Applaud Here)

I can't speak for most of you, but when I read blogs and the news all I see is despair... It breaks my heart. When my son wakes up in the morning, before I feed him his bottle, I Que this song on You Tube. Excuse my french, but FUCK the Alphabet song. (Applaud Here)

Right now we average about 60 comments per post. We're not reaching a whole lot of people. Yet. When Jesus started his crusade how many people cared what that dirty hippie had to say? 10? 12? 50? I bet he didn't get an average of 60 comments per post in year two. (Applaud Here)

The content of our posts will deepen in 2008! We will talk about Jr's first tooth, first steps, and overall love of live! (Applaud here)

We will reach out more to our friends in Canada, England and Honah Lee (That's where that fuck Puff the Magic Dragons comes from). And we will change the world. No... really. (Applaud Here)

In 2008 we will purge our home computer of AOL forever (except for AOL Fantasy Sports, and AIM). Don't laugh at me, I stayed back in the second grade. Something about too many fights with Robert Jandoli! (Applaud Here)

The Patriots will lose during the playoff in 08! Hopefully to the Colts!!! (Applaud Here)

Corky's sex drive will be 10 times that of the average 18 year old in 2008. (Applaud Here)

Corky will shed close to 100 pounds in 2008! Hard boiled eggs for breakfast, lunch and diner. (Applaud Here)

Corky will do lots of other things, and so will other people. (Applaud Here)

In short my friends: Corky's log has been existence since 2006, prospered in 2007, and this video sums up all that I've learned from writing blog posts and reading your blogs so far (I recommend skipping the first minute of this video if you're not a die hard):

Welcome 2008

Captain Corky In The 21st Century is so much more exciting than Buck Rogers In The 25th Century. Don't you think so? Although I wouldn't mind a stuttering robot sidekick, but then again I do have Max, a drooling baby sidekick. He's a lot cooler than Twiki. Doesn't move quite as fast. Yet.

2008: The Year of Captain Corky is going to be a good one. No major plans or resolutions as of now. At least none that I'm willing to reveal. Yet.

The log doesn't really start to pick up until after the Superbowl, but coming up towards the end of this month will be the 2008 State of the Log Address. Make sure to mark your calenders for that one.

I hope everyone has had a nice holiday season. Please enjoy this short video on behalf of everybody at Corky's log:




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willSIX adds: