Another Very Special Message from willSix

Hello once again, fellow corksters. As none of you no doubt know, after eight years of toil in the Information Technology industry, I decided to change careers. Accordingly, I took the stinking LSAT and enrolled at the Fordham Law School, Evening Division. Now, after four years of night school and twelve years as "the IT guy", I am now "the Intern". Legal Intern might sound a whole lot less impressive than IT Director, but hey, it's not the size of the wand, but the motion in the ocean...or something like that.

Anyhoo, in honor of my new internship (and because our bloggy Captain has not yet noticed that I locked out the bridge of the USS CorkysLog and rerouted control to Engineering), I thought I'd share with you a few of the silver screen inspirations for my newfound career.

First, the greatest contract negotiation ever captured on film:



Next: Greatest.Opening.Statement.Ever.



Finally, pretty much every-attorney-I-ever-met's favorite lawyer and, without question, the greatest closing statement in the history of cinema:



Please note the utter lack of Tom Cruise in uniform (or Tom Cruise in general, for that matter) or anything related to John Grisham. Peace.
___________________________________________________________

willSix, continuing:

I can't believe I forgot this, the best defense known to man:



And, by popular request: if you're gonna get held in contempt, this is the way to go.

AOC

As some of you know, and for others who are about to find out, Vodka is my AOC (alcohol of choice). I drink it straight with ice, and drinking a bottle this size in one sitting is not a problem. High school guidance counselors, Preachers, and criminal enterprises disguised as health care organizations, who charge people 20,000 dollars for one month of treatment, may tend to disagree with me.

These days when I do drink Vodka, I usually drink ALONE, and only after Allyson and Max have gone to bed, on a Friday or Saturday night, once or twice a month.

Sometimes I let the ice melt a little to make my drink a little smoother, but after the first glass it all goes down like water anyway.

After I start feeling a little buzzed, or even sometimes before, I make a playlist of music, either on Youtube or Itunes. This is usually the first song I listen to: Song Number 1.

In the past I've written posts while drinking, but I've learned that for me, they basically read the same as if I was completely sober when I wrote them. Spell check becomes a major fucking issue, but besides that, it's pretty safe to Blog While Intoxicated.

After I've listened to Song Number 1 for about an hour, I move on to Song Number 2.

At this point in my life this is the only time that I truly enjoy listening to music, unless I'm on a 723 mile road trip to NJ from Kentucky, or scrubbing a toilet.

Usually somewhere between Song Number 2 and Song Number 3 I wind up breaking the seal. When I was in my 20's I could go as long as Song Number 5 before I had to piss like a race horse.

Please note: This scientifically proven formula is based on Vodka and no other type of alcohol. Obviously my bladder would be breached much quicker if I were drinking beer, for example.

By the time Song Number 1o rolls around, It's almost 6 in the morning, my vision is blurred, wet brain has set in, my stomach is growling, and I'm completely soused, stewed, tanked, totaled, zonked, glazed, hammered, hosed etc. God only knows what I am doing between songs 6 through 9... and only God knows what those songs are/were.

Twelve hours later I start to feel like myself again. Forty Eight hours after that, I don't have the shits anymore, and by the time two or three weeks have gone by, it's time to start listening to some music again.

Boy Small

Based on the cover of this comic book, how much faith do you place in the Comics Code Authority stamp of approval?

I'm currently working on a top secret project that involves Max, the years 2007 and 2008 and a blog. I think one day he'll really appreciate watching his life in technicolor. I know I thoroughly enjoy watching my life on TV.

The Birdman has some really cool videos of us from way back in the early 1990's, maybe we can work on getting them on the computer so we can show them during an airing of The Captain Corky/Birdman Variety Hour.

Ladies, Gentlemen, and Leather Clad Freaks, I give you--Boy Small:

Happy Holiday

President's Day Eve is finally here!!! I'm so excited I can hardly contain my exuberance. It seems like President's Day 2007 was just yesterday, and we were going to furniture outlet stores, and car lots, taking full advantage of all the great sales that are out there, commemorating all the Lincoln's, FDR's, Kennedy's, and Reagan's who have had a strong hand in shaping America into the fine country it is today.

2008 is going to be the best Captain Corky's Annual President's Day Headbangers Cotillion Masquerade Ball, ever!!! I'm going as Ulysses S. Grant this year. My flask is filled to the brim with Whiskey and I'm ready to throw down. I'll probably wear my genuine issue Union Army Civil War jacket, cause the ladies always seem to swoon when I wear it.

Side Note: I once did a book report on Grant and got a B. It only figures that I identify with the Commander and Lush.

Usually I go as Reagan to Corky's Annual President's Day Headbangers Cotillion Masquerade Ball, because I have the looks and the smooth voice, but I thought I'd change things up a bit this year.

It does piss me off that I have work on Monday though... Obviously, I should have become a bank teller, cause those fucks get off for everything, including Groundhog Day from what my sources tell me.

Still, this year should be amazing. I've had my eye on a very hot Formica china cabinet from Uncle Bob's Furniture Emporium, and I should be able to get a 20 percent discount thanks to folks like Woodrow Wilson and Ben Franklin. The best part is that my Uncle Bob's Furniture Emporium credit account wont start accruing interest until 2012. That's fucking sweet!

Corky Shares from the Heart

1. I usually take one packet of Splenda in my coffee.

2. I've never done coke.

3. I wanna believe in everything that you say, because it sounds so good

4. Sometimes I run.

5. Sometimes I hide.

6. Cream is absolutely essential in any cup of coffee I drink.

7. I've never done heroin.

8. I once misspelled heroin.

9. I spelled it heroine instead of heroin. Pink remembers.

10. I don't wanna be so shy.
11. I drink two to three cups of coffee at work, every night.
12. Once or twice I 've had to drink water, because I was hungover.
13. There's a good chance that I'm the Birdman's father. He's a little sensitive about it though, so you might not want to mention it to him.

14. Sometimes I'm scared of you.

15. I was born in North Carolina.

16. I was adopted at the age of three.

17. The first time I drank coffee was around Will Six's 12th birthday party.

18. It got me buzzed and COFFEE it the true gateway drug.
19. I think I was 14 the first time I made myself clam.
20. I haven't missed a day since.

21. All I really want is to hold you tight treat you right.
22. Oh baby baby, the reason I breathe is you.
23. I hate onions. They're fucking gross.

24. Despite my appearance, I really like Star Wars. A lot.
25. I must confess I still believe .
26. Budweiser is my favorite beer. I love the shit.

27. Smirnoff is my favorite Vodka.
28. A filling once fell out of my mouth while I was doing IT.

29. I've done it many TIMES.

30. I played with your heart, got lost in the game.

31. Oops!...i did it again.
32. I have a son named Max.

33. I have a wife named Allyson.

34. I have two cats.
35. I prefer Grease 2 over Grease 1.

36. So does the Birdman. Coincidence?

37. Tuesday prefers Grease 1 and for the life of me, I can't understand why.
38. I lived in DC for a while.

39. I drank like a fish, and painted houses for a living.

40. I've been blogging since before I was in the womb.

41. Johnny Nogaerelli is so much cooler than Danny Zucco.

42. I love mushrooms, but not the kind you make with salad.
43. I'm probably going to take a shower today.
44. I hope the Giants win the Super Bowl.

45. I hope this post finds you well.

46. The Shawshank Redemption is one of my favorite movies of all time.

47. Hope.

48. I only fart once a year.

49. It's true.

50. I used to write a post every day, and most of the time I would get a rush from writing.

51. I don't get that way to often anymore.
52. Blogging is a drug.

53. I like Miller light too, but not as much as Budweiser.

54. I prefer the prequel trilogy to the original Star Wars trilogy.

55. I'm all about the Force.

56. Kirk would find a way to defeat the emperor without the lousy stinkin Force.

57. Heinz is my Ketchup of choice.
58. I really hope Wayne Knight gets his own show someday. That fucker is funny!!!

59. I hope the fuckers at Free Credit Report.Com rot in hell.

60. Both Tink and Sunshine make lots of lists.

61. I'm starting to get really excited, Christmas is only 10 months and a few days away.

62. I'm thinking about putting up the tree while we watch the Super Bowl.

63. Swiss cheese is very important to the success of a good ham sandwich.

64. If it weren't for ABC Check, Corky's log never exists.

65. That would be a good episode of the Twilight Zone.
66. Anybody watching Flash Gordon on the Sci Fi channel?

67. I've only seen one episode, but I'm going to give it a whirl.
68. Coke and Pepsi with Splenda in it is rancid.

69. People really seem to think that green is a good color on Max. I wasn't so crazy about all the six to nine month green he has, but the people have spoken.

70. Poor Britney Spears...