Captain Corky Survives Natural Disaster

On Friday morning as I was doing a load of dishes, my entire house started to shake. At first I was afraid. I was petrified. And then 30 seconds later it was over.

A thousand thoughts ran through my mind during that thirty second span of time. I wondered if it was my water heater, or maybe a plane flying to close to my house. Somewhere around second 27, I thought it might even be God smiting me for my sins.

After it was over I realized that it must had been an Earthquake and I turned on the early morning news to confirm my hypothesis. At first the newscaster was saying that it might had been an explosion, but soon after they came to learn that it was an official Earthquake. A 5.3 on the Richard Scale. Or is that Richter Scale? I can never remember these things...

One woman from downtown Louisville claimed that the Earthquake moved her bed across the room in her 100 year old house. A lot of people that I talked to said that the e-quake woke them up, and we even got a call minutes later from Allyson's mother.

The novelty of the Earthquake wore off pretty quickly for us. Erika, a friend of our who spent the night, and was woken up by the quake said, "It's only been 5 minutes and I'm already sick of hearing about it."

Now Scientists are saying that the sleeping beast has arisen and there will be more Earthquakes to come and they will be stronger and more destructive. Fucking great! Not only do I have to worry about the economy, the rising price of gas, the war on terror, funnel clouds, my cholesterol, and Reality TV, but now I have to worry about Mother Earth swallowing me and my family up. But then again this could be coming from the same assholes who manufactured Y2K and Global Warming, so who knows...

In Much More Important News: I have spent the last couple of weeks watching, The Office and I'm now completely caught up. Fact: The show is so fucking brilliant and funny. Question: How have I not been watching this show from the beginning?

Bottle Cap

Last week was kind of rough...

In the beginning of the week my wife asked me to pick up some toilet paper because we we ran out of our usual brand of Cottenelle, unexpectedly.

So instead of going a couple of extra miles down the road to the supermarket, I took the easy way out and stopped off at the local convenience store. I wound up getting suckered into buying two packs of Charmin Ultra Strong because it was on sale. Something like 2 packs for 4 bucks.

Charmin Ultra Strong really is ultra strong. Unfortunately, my ass is not a piece of wood and the edges of my ass do not have to be sanded down smoothly after I have a bowel movement.

In the long run, I think buying Ultra Strong would save us a good deal of money, but the comfort of my ass is just too important to start pinching pennies over toilet paper.

Later in the week or maybe the same night, I had another major mind fuck...

I bought 2 bottles of coke for 2 bucks at the same convenient store. One of the bottles had the proper traditional top: red, about an inch long, lines on the side, good gripping action etc. But the other bottle had this new cheesy trendy bottle cap design and was only half as long. I didn't discover the atrocity until I was sitting at home on my couch, getting ready to watch a week worth of Tivoed, Happy Days episodes with a nice cold icy coke to enjoy.

Do you understand how emotionally devastating this is to me? I'm one of those guy's that likes to put the cap back on the soda bottle after I'm done taking a sip and sometimes I even like to run my fingernails or tongue along the ridges. Shit, sometimes when I'm done with the soda I even chew on the cap. Can't do that with the new shitty wanna-be bottle cap. Too easy to choke and there's no enjoyment or satisfaction in taking off the cap and putting it back on.

And of course, it rained all week long so I still haven't been able to mow the lawn. Even when it wasn't raining outside, it was.

So let's have a much better week, gang! I have a feeling the Sun's going to come out, tomorrow.

Sloth

It rained a few days last week and for a couple of seconds there, I thought the Apocalypse was coming. So I've been extremely busy, repenting.

Yesterday and today are supposed to be two of the best days of the year weather wise. When I went outside for a brief second yesterday, I noticed that the grass was really green. Which means that it's going to grow and I'm going to have to cut it. Fuck.

I hate mowing the lawn and haven't done it in over 20 years. It's just not my thing.

Interestingly enough, my friend Erika's sister gave me a lawn mover a couple of weeks ago. This means that I'm going to have to cut my own grass (partially out of guilt). Don't get me wrong, it was a really nice gift, but... It's just not my thing.

Maybe I'll be able to rustle me up a good crack head that will do it for like, 20 bucks. That would be sweet. But somehow I don't think Allyson would be very thrilled about a crackhead loitering about on our lawn.

Don't worry, I'll think of something. Somebody on TV must have faced a similar dilemma at some point. Maybe Mike Seaver or Theodore Cleaver...

Anyway, I hope everyone had a brilliant weekend.

Perfect

I know that a lot of you have not had the opportunity to go out with me and get a cup of coffee at a diner, and I apologize for that.

But if you ever get a chance I suggest you jump at it, because I have a perfect face. And how often do you get a chance to look at a perfect face? I don't mean to boast, but it just happens to be true. My eyes are blue, my lips are perfectly shaped and just the right size, and quite frankly, my nose is a work of art.

I also happen to be a fantastic conversationalist and will spend hours telling you all about me, but that's a post for another time.

Last night when I was just waking up for work, my wife brought my son in to see me. I held his perfect face up to my perfect face and the unthinkable happened! Max wound up headbutting my work of art nose and before I could blink there was BLOOD everywhere. I couldn't believe how much I was bleeding. I carefully placed Jr to my side and called Allyson into the room to take him so I could clean up in the bathroom.

Please note: I'm one of those people who gets nosebleeds three or four times a year for no reason at all so my nose is pretty sensitive.
This morning I was looking in the mirror and my beautiful nose looked huge! It wasn't black or blue and there were no monstrous bumps, so I'm not sure if it's psychological, or really swollen, but I'm afraid to go back and look. What do I do if it's ruined forever? I could never adjust to life with perfect eyes, perfect lips and a big fucked up looking nose. God forbid I ever have to become one of those people who has to get though life on their personality.