Sunday, April 29, 2007

A day of shopping





Another wonderful weekend is coming to an end all to shortly. It was another beautiful day outside today, but since I got my monthly quota of the outdoors last week I decided to do some much needed shopping today. First clothes and then grocery. Allyson is finishing up her Master's degree this week so she didn't come with me.

Dispatching Corky to buy shirts and pants by himself is fine because I know exactly what I want and need. Primary colored polo shirts and Docker pants for work. Sending Corky to hunt down finely shredded Orange Peel at the grocery is a completely different story, especially on a Sunday when all the assholes are out in full force. I almost had a full mental breakdown in the supermarket and had to call Allyson no less than 5 times. But even more excruciating then the hunt for orange peel, I also happen to run in to the Beast aka my neighbor.

The Beast is the meanest bitch alive, and only wears one outfit. An off the shoulder Belinda Carlisle shirt with really skimpy red shorts. I'm sure someone out there could tell me what this shirt is really called, but the beast is not hot, not skinny, and it's not 1985! The fact that the beast only has one outfit and is one of the scariest human beings I have ever seen is not my real issue with her. My real issue with her is that she has a handy cap parking sign in front of her apartment. The only problem is that she is not physically handicapped. How do I know this besides sheer speculation? Because I discovered just recently that the beast works for the company that I work for. Yes ladies and gentlemen the Beast and I live, work, and shop all in the same places.

The Beast is a union employee and I'm not. As a union employee the beast is required to lift up to 70 pounds to perform her job. That's how I know she's not handicapped. That and I watch her carry her laundry basket with one arm on her clothed shoulder sometimes. She also likes to scare the children and the elderly by ridding her bike around the parking lot sometimes. And it's not just Allyson and me who hate her. The only thing we ever talk to the other people that live here about is how much they hate the Beast too. But enough about the Beast already.

I can't believe the weekends just about over, but the good news is we're one week closer to the arrival of Corky Jr. How was your weekend?

31 comments:

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

Scary!

The Beast, not my weeked...

The Adult in Question said...

I work in a grocery store and I called in sick all weekend, but on the upside I saw two movies on the weekend and slept until 1pm in the afternoon.

Yas said...

my weekend flew by like you wouldn't believe.

this Allyson is finishing up her Master's degree this week so she didn't come with me.
makes her sound like she's wallpapering the walls or something. lol

Big Pissy said...

The Beast should be hunted down and killed for wearing that outfit.

captain corky said...

whimsicalnbrainpan: She really is! I would try to get a picture of her for the log but I don't want to turn anyone to stone.

The Adult in Question: Two movies and sleeping in sounds like my idea of a weekend.

Yas: Allyson's pretty tired of college. I think at this point she'd rather be wallpapering.

Pissy: Perhaps I can hire you for your services?

Bardouble29 said...

I think all of us have a neighbor like that...uck!

Jay said...

Grocery shopping can be a very scary experience. The list just says "baked beans" but when I look at the shelves I see about 15 different kinds of baked beans. I don't know which to get. Always scary.

I'm glad the beast isn't my neighbor. My neighbor is hot. LOL

Sunshine said...

Pretty soon, someone will drop a house on the Beast and you can steal her ruby slippers and give them to the wife.

karma lennon said...

Wow, the Beast sounds terrifying! I had another full weekend of comics, video games and South Park. And of course my visiting friend. :)

Lady K said...

Yowza That Beast sounds horrible. I do have three little beasts down the way from me who throw rocks & sticks at my dog. Wanna trade? And did you ever find your orange peels?

Blancodeviosa said...

why don't you just buy oranges goofy?

Alicia said...

Turn her in to the handicap patrol.
Those old folks are scary and if they catch you parking in a handicap parking zone when you're not actually handicapped... they'll beat you with their canes and run you over with their Jazzy Scooters.
I know... trust me.
My right leg is still a little gimp from the severe beating I took that one time I parked in a handicapped spot and got caught.

Heidi the Hick said...

Dude, I get panics from grocery shopping. Every time. You are not alone. Bumping into the beastly neighbour does not help!!1

James Burnett said...

I don't panic in the grocery, but I hate it nonetheless. Mrs. B always sends me looking for obscure items that you couldn't find with a magnifying glass.

As for weekend, mine was a blast. We took Burnettiquette dog to a park near our house where giant, wild iguanas like to lay on the rocks in the lake and sun themselves. The dog likes to bark at 'em, and when he thinks we're not looking, swim out to them. So we made a picnic of it, shopped for some art, cleaned my fish pond, barbecued, and enjoyed the sun and the sand - all around, a near perfect weekeend here in usually crappy South Florida.

RockDog said...

I don't have a neighbor like that...does that mean that I'm that neighbor??? Eek!

Metal Mark said...

I go shopping more than my wife because I like it more than she does. I am normally just trying to keep tabs on my kids and remember everything on my list.

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

Yikes. Well I guess I'd expect a beast to be able to lift 70 pounds.

My weekend was restful. I lay in the park and read and recovered.
xx
pinks

kat said...

Maybe she's just mentally fucked up or something. That has to be the only explanation based on her hideous outfit selection.

Fleur de Lisa said...

My neighbors aren't hot, but at least they don't look like the way you are describing Beast. Maybe she likes you and is stalking you at home, at work and now at the grocery store. Scary!

Aunt Jackie said...

That's weird... isn't it funny how we nickname certain "Characters" that we come to know of?

My weekend was alright... you already know about my Biscuits, that's all I really have to tell.

Happy Week Corky!

**Come on Corky Jr.!! Come on!!**

Michael C said...

Walking towards work after lunch today we saw a very attractive mid-30s blond get into her very raised and lifted Ford F-250 truck that was actually backed in. The reason for me telling you this: she had a handicap parking thing. I could see how one could fall out of it and become handicapped, but I don't see how you could get into it if handicapped.

Tod said...

Great post Corky! I'm with you on the grocery shopping thing. When I am forced to go I just push the cart and do my ugly pout face.

The Beast seems even more scarier on a bike somehow.

eric said...

maybe she dresses like that because a vacation is all she ever wanted, but she just can't get away ...

good call on the primary colors. i think guys will look back 10 years from now at the pastel thing and totally burn all their pictures.

Yoda said...

Does Miss Beast have a Mr. Beast?

I have a neighbor who shouts "BITCH" all the time in his apt. Scares the shit out of me. After what happened at VTech, you can't be sure who's loony who's not.

Cheryl said...

My weekend ended last night. I love having a Sunday/Monday weekend. It was great!

Beefcake Almighty said...

Sunday is the greatest day to go shopping out here. All the Mormons stay home and go to church so we have free reign over everything.

Viva la heathen!

abbagirl74 said...

Hmmmm... I love to shop.

Biddie said...

Oh man, you crack me up. We moved away from 'our' beast 10 months ago. The biggest differnce is, our beast had a mate, beast2. UGH.
She rides her bike? Our beast only rode men. Still scary, though....

Theresa said...

Hooray for Corky Jr.!!!

furiousBall said...

I've heard that Heaven is a Place on Earth and thanks to that Belinda reference that damn song is on repeat in my sore brain.

Aunt Jackie said...

By the way Cork, I love the new avatar... that's cool.