Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Captain Corky's Guide to Masculinity


Now that my wife has graduated with a Master's degree It's quite possible that some day she might earn more money than me. Especially considering the fact that I only have a high school diploma, a few college credits from various county colleges around the country, and my good looks. The thought of a woman making more money than me obviously threatens my manhood, and could leave me with permanent psychological damage AKA impotence.

1. Find a manly profession.
After hours of extensive research (sitting at home in the middle of the day watching TBS) I've come to the conclusion that the ultimat profession for men is gunsmithing. I've always wanted to earn an online degree (in as little as 6 months) and since I live in Kentucky my earning potential would be just about limitless as a gunsmith. Anyone who's anyone in Kentucky has a gun. Except for me... my wife won't let me keep a gun in the house.

2. Schedule Tuesday and Thursday as guy's night out.


Tuesday is a good night to bowl. Thursday is a good night to shoot pool. Make sure to talk about gambling, sports and tits. Talking about these things is what separates real men from the wimps. Unfortunately most of my friends live in New Jersey so I usually wind up staying home and spending Tuesdays and Thursdays with my wife.

3. Masturbate at least once every two hours.

You don't even have to cum! Just make sure that you can get it up on command.

I never miss this step.

4. Make sure that you can still bench press at least 200 pounds no matter how many pounds over 200 you weigh.

Do it at least once. It doesn't matter if your heart beats so hard that you feel like your going to die. After about 5 minutes you'll catch your breath and your skin will return to it's natural color. Trust me.

All you have to do is follow these four simple steps and you too can be a man.



35 comments:

eric said...

don't drink michelob ultra, either.

it's gay somehow.

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

LMFAO! Great post!

Oh I am so glad I'm a woman.

TheBirdman33 said...

So I will never get a girl to respect me as a man, I don't even have the right job! I'm fucked

Yas said...

so when should i expect the Corky's Guide to Femininity?

by the way... gunsmithing is outstanding. that and being a bounty hunter who rides a horse. ;p

Big Pissy said...

Even though my husband has a Master's Degree, I'm going to make him read this.

Tons of useful manly information.

Thanks, Cork!

Terri said...

#3 - yuck

The Lone Beader said...

LOL! Too funny, Corky:)

Lady K said...

You crack me UP! And yeah, I guess living in Kentucky you could make a mint from gunsmithing.

Biddie said...

Wow. I am speechless...

Bardouble29 said...

LMAO - well you are one hell of a manly man!

RockDog said...

Excellent Guide! Thanx for the help!

Blancodeviosa said...

wow, so that's a manly man?
i had no idea..

furiousBall said...

Never macramae yourself a pair of short shorts

karma lennon said...

Wow, those are indeed all quite manly. Very nice. ;)

Alicia said...

This is the best guide ever!
I'm exploring a new career in the camel toe enhancement industry.

Metal Mark said...

As long as I have football season to look forward to, I don't care much about anything else.

Sunshine said...

I think you fellas masterbate more because, well, logistically it's just EASIER for you guys. All the components are within easy reach.
Just sayin.
Hubby always uses the old adage: Why does a dog lick his balls? Because he can.

PS) We have guns locked up in a gun cabinet that haven't seen the light of day in over a decade but I don't like them in the house either, gotta go with the wife on that one too.

Yas said...

oh my god alicia!!! hahahahahahaaa!!

The Adult in Question said...

speechless.

Aunt Jackie said...

I love it!!! Corky you're the baddest!!!

JINKS said...

Corky:
You is one manly man.

jinks: who now understands why her husband has said "Huh? what did you say?" every 2 hours and 10 minutes for the past 27 years.
And they said it wouldn't last....

Cheryl said...

I'm still laughing out loud! You go Corky, you the man.

Jay said...

Outstanding guide to masculinity there Corky! I'm going to print it out and make sure I can meet all these!

Aunt Jackie said...

Corky, I am, however, sad that you chose not do do my 'tag' :(

I know, I hate those meme things anyways, but I'm sensitive *sniffle* ;)

Michael C said...

You are an invaluable leader. I guess that's why you are the Captain!

Heidi on Vashon said...

That's all the man I ever need right there, and my current man isn't as edumacated as me--but he has to have your top four in order, or he hits the cutting room floor. At the end of the day, a girl needs a manly employed, guy's night out, hard on command, strong (weight bearing) dude. AND THATS IT. Mattress neanderthal is my term, like Johnny Bravo!

captain corky said...

Eric: I only drink hard liquor. Sometimes I use ice when I'm feeling like a wuss. OK maybe I have a Bud once in a blue moon.

Whimsicalnbrainpan: Glad you liked it!

Birdman: Cheer up big guy. Things will get better.

Yas: I wouldn't mind being a bounty hunter who rides a horse as long as I smoked and people called me the Marlboro man.

Pissy: I hope he found it useful. If nothing else it's a great picture of Jackie Gleason.

Terri: But 1,2 and 4 were a lot of fun weren't they?

Beader: Thanks ;)

Lady K: If you want to feel real pain just keep coming back to the log. ;)

Biddie: I have that affect on Mother and Daughter.

Bardouble29: Glad I could make you laugh. ;)
My ego has just increased 3 times in size.

Rockdog: No problem. We Manly men have to look out for each other.

Blancodeviosa: Now you know, and knowing's half the battle. Yes, I'm a big dork.

Furiousball. But it might be fun!

Karma: Thanks. I try to be a good role model for other men out there.

Alicia: LOL, I can't wait to hear, read, and see more about this. I'm a big fan of the camel toe. A brilliant fashion statement.

Metal Mark: Me too, football is my happy place.

Sunshine: It's definitely easier, but having to reach down so far has been murder on my back all these years. ;)

The Adult in Question: I have that affect on Daughter and Mother.

Jinks: Thanks for stopping by. I'm glad I could solve that mystery for you!

Cheryl: Glad you liked it. Nothing goes better with a cup of coffee than Corky's log.

Jay: Where have you been? Are you still on assignment?

I suggest you keep it in your wallet. That way you'll have it when you need it.

Jackie: Don't be insulted, I'll make it up to you. I promise.

Michael C: Something like that...

Heidi: "At the end of the day, a girl needs a manly employed, guy's night out, hard on command, strong (weight bearing) dude". I like that a lot!

Tink said...

#3- LMAO!

Other manly things to do:

Pee in public places. But call it, "marking one's territory."

Flex your penis at random. Just to show you can and that yes, it really is there.

Play football at night. If you accidently get clocked in the eye you can always lie and say you got in a bar fight.

etain_lavena said...

I feel all manly all of a sudden....hmmm....will I grow a weener now...whahahah...
miss you capitan...keep save...:)

Chucky said...

I already knew all that stuff. Only I'm not a big gun guy. So I make that we with cutting metal with fire...underwater!

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

Oh is THAT why men masturbate every 2 hours. Viagra replacement therapy eh?
xx
pinks

captain corky said...

Tink: Great suggestions. I think I'm going to take your advise and piss on my boss's car tonight.

Etain: I never want to picture you like that again. Hope things are well England.

Chucky: Cutting metal with fire underwater is pretty cool. By the way, so is beer.

Pinks: Exactly, and it's a lot cheaper.

kat said...

Wow

kat said...

The wow was for #4. I know you were thinking it was for #3 but it totally wasn't.

Adrienne said...

What about combining #1 and #3? Minus any Michelob Ultra, you should be safe...