Monday, June 18, 2007

About the Author

Right now I'm a wooden puppet, but one day hopefully after I've learned to control my compulsive lying and masturbating I'll be turned into a real person. I can almost guarantee you that when I do become a real person I'll look like this, give or take 30 pounds. I plan on having Chicken and brown rice for dinner for the next 30 years, because the pop tart and coke diet I've been on for the last 10 years isn't working for me anymore.

I was born in North Carolina, adopted at the age of 3 by two very nice short people from NJ, moved to DC when I was 24 or 25 (who can remember any more), and now at, 36, I live in Kentucky with my wife Allyson (who sometimes helps me with my grammar issues, but now she's gone to sleep so I'm basically fucked from this point in the post forward), and we're expecting our first child in a few weeks.

Since our son is going to be born in Kentucky, Allyson and I have decided to name our baby boy Cletus. By naming our son Cletus, not only will we perpetuate the stereotype that everyone who's from Kentucky is named Cletus, but also everyone who meets him will have a funny little anecdote to tell at a party. Something along the lines of, "I actually know a dude named Cletus, and he really is from Kentucky."

The last paragraph is a prime example of my compulsive lying disorder. Anyway, I thank you very much for taking time out of your life to read the log, and I hope you come back 3 or 4 times an hour.


Heart Of Darkness said...

ryc: A man marries a woman, hoping she'll never change - but she will. A woman marries a man, hoping he will change - he wont.

Guess it's as effective as banging your head agains the wall. Cause headache, but nothing more (besides strange bloodspatter on the wallpaper)...


abbagirl74 said...

Keep lying to us. I am scared to know the truth about you now. Cletus?

Ms. Tuesday said...

shit... I was banking on Bubba...

Big Pissy said...

What about Jimmy Dan?

That's always good for a laugh. ;-)

Canadian flake said...

omggggggggggg this is wayyyyy too funny. I like the "bubba" the wife would be smacking you upside the head if she was away and thinking about

The Lone Beader said...

I no longer have to check your blog 3-4 times an hour... I added you to my Google Reader:)

RockDog said...

I had money on the name "Ritchie Cunningham"...damn!

Crashdummie said...

Gee, all i can say is:

"Beam me up Scotty"

(or has even this been changed to Cletus from Kentucky?)

Heather said...

My money is on Kirk. Or Spock.

Bardouble29 said...

Hope you had a great Fathers Day!

Alicia said...

Allyson has a world of responsibilities.
What are you going to do when Corky Jr is born?
She'll have no time or energy to help you with your grammar.
You're fucked.

furiousBall said...

I had trouble making eye contact with your photo while reading the word masturbation, as it should be.

Laurasia said...

Funny, cause when I think about the name Cletus, I think about the Nutty Professor. Remember Sherman Klump (Eddie murphy) and his dad Cletus (Eddie Murphy) and how his grandma (You guessed it, also Eddie murphy) would say, "Come on Cletus. I'ma kick yo ass!" That shit was hilarious!

Anyways, sticking to the theme of things, you're son would really have a story to tell if you told people that you named him after Cletus. The fat, old, funny, black guy from The nutty Professor.

THAT would be awesome!

What A Crock said...

i think you should name him cletus!! then i can walk around humming that theme song from that episode when he had his own little show "cletus the slack jawed yockle!" then you should have a daughter and name her brandine... this pretty much guarentees that he has a wife when he gets older.

natural selection be damned.

yeah... compulsive lying... whats that? hah!

Jenny! said...

My dad calls my son Cletus when he isn't wearing socks! If it was a girl you could name her Jackie Daniel (like Jack Daniels)...!

Jerrster said...

C'mon you wore that Smokey and the Bandit T-shirt so we'd believe you were in really in Kentucky..huh?

Sunshine said...

What's with the new outfit??

And I got bumped way too far to the bottom now, go back!! I value my self worth by blogroll placement rather than comments like yourself.

karma lennon said...

Cletus is an awesome name! But I would have to name my kid Catfish after the guy I went to school with.

Biddie said...

Wow. I see that you redecorated.
That's a name, alright.

Webmiztris said...

you're lucky you're not naming that child Cletus. I was just about to get on the line with the Child Welfare Department. ;)

Fridaysweb said...

As a fellow North Carolinian (well, you're like a third cousin twice-removed, right?), I approve of Bubba, as others above have suggested. But, with you now residing in KY, yes, Cletus works just fine. If you were to return to NC, Bubba would be a pre-requisite. Honest to God, I know FIVE Bubbas. And at least 6 or 7 Juniors (given names)

btw, that photo (that you once claimed was only a friend of yours) reminds me SOOOO much of one of my cousin's ex-husbands (I told you I'm from NC...we're ALL related, somehow), I do a big double-take everytime I see it. You didn't used to sell those expensive knife sets door-to-door, did you? You haven't recently moved to Boston, have you? You said you lie a lot, so it's not completely out of the question!

HoosierGirl5 said...

Right now I'm a wooden puppet, but one day hopefully after I've learned to control my compulsive lying and masturbating I'll be turned into a real person.

You made me laugh out loud with that opening line!

Please don't name the baby "Cletus" - not that I think Allyson would let you!


Gina said...

Damnit, somebody beat me to the "slack jawed yokel" punchline. That's what happens when I don't comment early in the morning.

Metal Mark said...

Pop tart and coke diet? When I was first out of college I lived on the burrito, vienna sausage and instant coffee diet and I put hot sauce on and into each of those three things. My eating habits have gotten better since then.

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

Ah an NC boy! I knew I liked you for more than just your compulsive lying.

Have you picked out a name yet?

Tod said...

I used to live on "oven crunchies" and microwave my shirts dry. But it was the Eighties, I was single, and I practically lived in pubs and clubs.

And I KNOW that pic is of you Corky! 1. Because you say it isn't and you are an admitted compulsive liar. 2. Well just look where that arm leads! ;)

captain corky said...

Heart of Darkness: I've never had the privilege of banging my head against the wall, but I was stupid enough to drink an entire bottle of vodka on Saturday night. Does that count for anything? ;)

abbagirl74: Is it safe to say that you're not on board with Cletus?

Tuesday: We're leaving Bubba for the name of our next kid. ;)

Big Pissy: Hm...Jimmy Dan Corky. I like it. It's gonna work well for our third son.

Canadian Flake: Glad you liked it. :) I think Allyson would hit me up side my head with a frying pan if I really wanted to name the kid Cletus.

Beader: Does that mean now that Corky comes to you? ;)

captain corky said...

Rockdog: That's a great name, but way too wholesome a name for the South.

Crashdummie: We're going to have to leave it at Scotty. Beam me up Cletus just doesn't sound right for some reason. ;)

Heather: Kirk is great name but it got vetoed by Allyson, along with Spock and Clark Kent.

Bardouble29: I drank way too much Saturday night, but I still had a good day on Sunday. I feel much better today though!

Alicia: I know... Hey! What's your number? Ya know, just in case I have a few questions. ;)

captain corky said...

Furiousball: I can't says that I blames you.

Laurasia: I've never seen the Nutty Professor. Either versions. I feel so ashamed to admit that. ;)

What a Crock: We plan on having a daughter...Somewhere around the 4th child. I think Allyson is banking on number two, but there's still an inside chance that number 1 could be a girl. Ultra sounds have been wrong before. I'll kill the doctor, but still it could happen.

Jenny: I would name her Jackie Daniel's, but then I would feel obligated to make sure she could shoot it by 12. So instead I will name a girl something like Sally and buy her Barbie when she's 12.

Jerrster: LOL

captain corky said...

Sunshine: I could correct that my using the name of your blog instead. I'll get on that right away.;) Welcome back!

Karma: Catfish Corky. I like the sound of it, but I'm bit worried that with a name like that the kid will smell. That would be the worst.

Biddie: I hope you like it. I'm still working on it. I started working 3/4 through a bottle of Vodka so I'm glad it came out as well as it did.

Webmiztris. LOL, I solemnly swear to make sure the kid is wearing nice clothes, is fed, and doesn't smell.

Fridaysweb: That's a ton of Bubbas and Juniors. How do you deal?

captain corky said...

Hoosiergirl5: Glad you liked it. ;) Don't worry, she won't and I wouldn't.

Gina: Yeah, I was wondering wear you were this morning. Here was me at 9:00 am this morning, "I wonder why Gina hasn't left a comment yet...Does she hate me?" See what I mean?

Mark: I was on a 7-11 Burrito and coke diet when I lived in DC. Those burritos were great!

Whim: Yeah. We have. I'll reveal it after he's born. ;)

Tod: I hear that. When I lived in DC I lived at two bars that were right across the street from each other. Have you ever put tinfoil in the microwave? I hear that can make a mess.

erika said...

i like the new look corky...
i'll be seeing you soon...
holding breath in anticipation...

Jay said...

Cletus is a pretty good name. If you were in Texas you could go with Billy Bob or Jimmy Bob or something like that.

I'm a little concerned to learn about your compulsive lying disorder. I mean, I'm pretty sure you weren't lying when you said I had the greatest blog you had ever or would ever see. I guess it comes and goes huh?

Fridaysweb said...

How do I deal? I just color one of my teeth black to fit in, nod and smile a lot. Once they get to talking, they all sound the same, and can all be answered in one word answers (usually one syllable combining all the necessary words). I don't like confusing the locals.

eric said...

nice bandit shirt. "what do the germans have to do with anything?"

i'll forgive you for being from the gay carolina.

Anonymous said...

I think we all know the child is going to be called baby bird.


Anonymous said...

In that picture, you look a lot like a guy from a previous post that was trying on sunglasses.


Sunshine said...

FYI: hubby used to tell me when I was pregnant with our first that his name was Cletus the Fetus.
I still don't find it that funny, but I was a psycho hormonal pregnant chick, so my sense of humor was lacking.

captain corky said...

Erika: Thanks. :) Can't wait!

Jay: LOL. Your blog's ok if you like pictures of half naked girls, and great content. But when I need something a little stronger I go to That's where all the action's at.

Fridaysweb: I bet you look hot like that. Suddenly I'm really turned on.

Eric: Thanks. If I could grow a really thick moustache then I wouldn't need the shirt, but I can't, so instead I have two of those shirts.

Birdman: I apologize for using that picture. After all it was almost 18 days ago when that picture was taken and I look so much better now.

Sunshine: Allyson was laughing really hard when she read your comment. She said that Cletus the Fetus was a funny name for a baby in utero, much better than bun or peanut.

Heart Of Darkness said...

Sadly, that counts for borderline alcoholism! :)

Oh, and there's a joke involving sex and Pinoccio, but I strain from actually retelling it... unless you ask very, very nicely! ;D

mjd said...

Corky, you are indeed an interesting and very funny person. Your new masthead seems so appropriate for a handy wooden puppet expecting a child named Cletus. Your masthead is really very cool.

Crashdummie said...

maybe it's so wrong that its almost right?

(nah, didn't think so either)

Sunshine said...

Since I am done having children, I hereby pass the usage of "Cletus the Fetus" to you and Allyson. Use it in good health.

Heidi the Hick said...

Oh my gosh, Corky, the awesomeness of you is just astounding. How can this blog get better and better all the time????

(You do know that I'm not a big sarcasm person, right? Cuz I truly mean all that.)

Blancodeviosa said...

oh yes cletus.

that would be just great for him. how about Butch?

Jenny! said...

That works too I guess!

Aunt Jackie said...

I say either take a quick vacation to Mississippi right at the due date, trigger Allyson's labor and then name him "Bubba". :) Either that or go running for the hills of New Jersey so the kid can have a chance at a normal name, and some of that great Salt Water Taffy that my boss just brought us back from his trip to the Jersey Shore from the weekend :)

All in your hands Cork. LOL!

Fridaysweb said...

If your last name is Johnson, Richard would be a stellar first name. I'm just sayin...

The [Cherry] Ride said...

What's with the All Star Squadron cover? I have that issue. Awesome.

Pink said...

well at least you aren't naming him cl*toris.

That would be embarrassing.


Pink said...

Geez. I'm well behind in my hits, apparently.

I've been busy waterskiing in times square

Great breakers there.

Pink said...

did you say 3 times per hour?

Pink said...

or...was it 4?

captain corky said...

Heart of Darkness: I don't believe in alcoholism, the Easter Bunny, or Santa Claus. What? I'm not in denial...

MJD: Thanks for the kind words. :)

Crashdummie: I don't know...It's starting to grow one me. "Beam me up Cletus, you big fucking dumb redneck you!" ;)

Sunshine: Thank you. Hopefully we'll use it two or three more times. ;)

Heidi: Thanks. ;) Your blog gets better all the time too.

captain corky said...

Blancodeviosa: Butch isn't bad, but I'll probably have to teach the kid how to be a bully so his name suits him.

Jenny: Yeah Sally's a great name. Let me see, I know...nobody named Sally. Charlie Brown's sister is named Sally I guess.

Aunt Jackie: It would be to hard to name him in New Jersey because of all the ethnic diversity. And I don't think Allyson will let me take him to Mississippi. ;)

Fridaysweb: How did you know? ;)

The[Cherry]ride: I love that cover and that comic book. It fits perfectly for my All Star Blog Roll.

Pink: Have you found a site for the statue of Captain Corky that's going to be constructed in Manhattan next summer yet?

Michael C said...

Great new banner. And I have that same shirt and hope to be buried in it!

What's so wrong with Cletus???

Lady K said...


I'm reminded of something I heard a LONG time ago..."CLETUS!!! YOU GET OFF THEM HOGS! THEM'S FOR EATIN'!!!" LMFAO Hey man, I've been told those people we went to visit down in KY were family, but...uh...I CAN say they made awsome biscuits. I was ELEVEN, what can I say?

BTW, nice new look!!! Digging on the "mint" color here. All my best with the upcoming "gig" at the hospital! hee hee!

Pink said...


I have broken ground on the monument just this morning. Now you've gone and spoiled the surprise. But yes. Its right in the middle of the brooklyn bridge - in fact - there was a guy that let me buy the whole bridge for a steal. Its just my gift to you on the birth of Jr.

kat said...

Please tell Rockdog that I actually know someone named Richie Cunningham. That is his real fucking name. Can you imagine???

Is the whole Cletus idea up for voting?

Abby J said...

Way back when, your old Jersey friends used to read and comment... what happened?

1) My grocery bill is irrelevant since I feed only myself.

2) Go with the filter. Listen to the wise words of those above - you should be thinking of the environment even more, now that you'll have a child (and grandchildren) who will want to live safely on this planet.

3) The tater mits are what my Boston friends would say wicked cool. I would say to hold off on them but they have the free vegetable slicer bonus - how can you turn that down? You're pretty much a meat and potatos kind of guy anyway, so you'll make good use of it. Unless vegetarianism is a part of your new and improved way of life...

Abby J said...

Shit, sorry this was the wrong post. I'm a little spastic when it comes to this stuff. In any case, don't act like you're not going to name that baby Danny. As if.

captain corky said...

Michael C: I think It would be a great shirt to buried in, but lets wait for at least 60 years or so. :)

Lady K: Thanks. I'm pretty happy with the new template.

Pink: That's a sweet location! Anywhere that Spidy likes to hang out is ok by me.

Kat: Does your Ritchie have red hair and freckles? And is he as wholesome as apple pie?

Abby J: The Birdman still does. I think the rest of them quit bloggin and are now playing rugby.

"Unless vegetarianism is a part of your new and improved way of life..."

Bite your tongue woman!!! Hope all is well with you. :)

Cheryl said...

Hey I remember that guy. With the sunglasses. The one who's not you. But could be you without the junkfood, right?

I think Cletus beats Caleb any day, myself. I tried very hard to have my way with my daughter's name, but it didn't happen. I got my second choice. It took about a minute to change my mind about it.

Trundling Grunt said...

And before he's born he'll be Cletus the fetus.

Cynnie said...

Bubba is usally the second sons name ( the first som cant say brother very well, so it comes out bubba)
I'm from o' bubbas.( never met a cletus though)
I have met a rufus once ( white dude)

Ashley said...

I truly think you are missing the point with only one name! My mom's entire family is from Southern Illinois and everyone goes by first and middle name:

Floye Dean
Larry Michael
Darryl Linn
Mary Lou
Phyllis June
James Earl
and so on

I take that back, because let us not leave out:


I would go with Cletus Earl. I think that screams Kentucky. Or for a name change in early adulthood :)

honkeie2 said...

I perfer lies. Lies and fantasy are the same and all men love fantasy.
Baby names:
Cletus Earl Jeb

marykay said...

Glad to have found your blog, my husbands from Ashland Ky. brother lives in Taylorsville, Ky. Cletus would fit right in but then my daughter is Ashlyn as in Kentucky.

blewknight said...

I just found your blog from "Bottle Blondes" blog. Your a hoot, dude. Keep it to speak. LOL