Wednesday, June 27, 2007

T-13 Days, and patiently counting...


As you can tell by the title of this post, Corky Jr has not yet entered the building. I appreciate everyone's continued interest and excitement, and hopefully within the next 13 Days or so he'll be born. If he's a couple days late I'll still be very excited, I'll just be out a thousand bucks, because I took the under in Vegas back in October.

In the meantime let me introduce you to some of Corky Jr's best and only friends. Before I proceed though, please understand that I wanted to buy Corky Jr some toy dynamite sticks and an arsenal of plastic guns, but the super liberal woman I'm married to wouldn't let me. Also, Corky Jr hopefully will have real friends one day but for now these will do just fine.

Quack-Quack (the yellow duck): For the past 55 years Quack-Quack has made his living as a lounge singer. Back in the 70's Quack-Quack was smoking two cartons of cigarettes a week and drinking a bottle of Scotch every night. As a result his voice is a little raspy and he now has a dead goose's liver. Quack-Quack is the leader of the social club that Corky Jr will be a member of sometime within the next 20 days or so. Quack-Quack is a pretty good duck, but is a real pain in the ass if he doesn't get his mandatory 24 ounce cup of coffee before 6:00 am.

Pooh: Pooh is pretty much Pooh. One day he wandered out of the Briar patch and 15 years years later wound up in an apartment in Louisville, Ky. Just like me.

Flat Bear: (Directly to the right of Quack-Quack) The fucker doesn't eat. He's a hell of a nice guy, but it would be nice if he ate a solid meal once in while. He's definitely too uptight about his appearance, that's for sure.

Jelly: (directly behind Flat Bear) Jelly is the first wash cloth in the history of Babies and shit to be promoted to full time stuffed Animal. An accomplishment Jelly never let's anyone forget.

Yogi: (The Bear next to Flat Bear) Yogi has no personality at all, but despite that he's second in command of this group. We're hoping he'll speak after Corky Jr is born.

Dino: (the dinosaur looking thing next to Yogi) Another washed up drunk from Vegas who has nothing better to do with his life than sit in Corky Jr's nursery. He's got some great stories though.

Spot: (the dog) Every group of stuffed animals has to have a dog. Spot is as clean as they get. The dog never drinks, smokes or fucks hookers, yet for some reason the gang keeps him around anyway.
And there you have it folks, Corky Jr's friends.




56 comments:

Fridaysweb said...

I'm getting ready to sell off my husband's and my Playboy collection. Could be a great addition to Jr's room, once he's done potty training and on to training other ways. Oh, and yes, I added myself into the owners - I had to go buy the damn things. In public! I only read the articles, though. Just like you.

Heart Of Darkness said...

If you have a Yogi, you need a BooBoo! Yogi is lost without BooBoo!

:D

Terri said...

a nice well rounded collection of friends for Corky Jr. But let's hope he doesn't pick up on some of their bad habits: smoking and drinking too much, caffeine addict, a wanderer, an eating disorder, etc. etc. Good thing you have plenty of experience in some of these, that'll give you a leg up! :o)

mjd said...

Every young man needs a duck and dinosaur. I am glad that he has a duck and dinosaur. You probably have this covered, but I always urge expecting parents to pack the hospital bag. Unless you are having the birth at home, then, the hospital advice (as much as advice is)just stupid.

13 days...it looks like you are ready.

Sunshine said...

You know, you leave those stuffed animals on the changing table and they're just going to get crapped on.
Just sayin...it's amazing the volume and force with which a small human can have shit flying out of its ass.

RockDog said...

I almost cried reading this as it reminds me of my old friends from high school...

With friends like this who needs real friends? When Jr is done with them they can always come to my house!

captain corky said...

Fridaysweb: I didn't know Playboy had articles. I've just always loved pictures of boobs and booze.

Heart of Darkness: All in good time my dear.

Terri: I figure Corky Jr will be a lot like me... Eagle Scout, honor student, and finally President of the United States. Yep, just like Corky.

MJD: Allyson has had the bags packed for a week, and is all but standing in front of the door. She's very pragmatic, that Allyson. ;)

Sunshine: NOT MY KID!!!

Famous last words? ;)

Rockdog: I'm sure they would love to come over, as long as you have plenty of booze and a piano, of course.

Lady K said...

LMAO! Those are GREAT! I'm sure Jr. will have a great time with those friends. Maybe later you can get him that arsenal.

Sunshine said...

Please, take a picture of yourself the first time he uses you for poo poo target practice.

Jay said...

I'm really impressed with Corky Jr's multi-cultural group of friends. He'll be able to learn about many different customs and lifestyles. It will make him a well rounded individual.

Does this social club have a bar or a pool table or a juke box yet? How bout a dart board? Bras and panties hanging from the ceiling that once belonged to the dancing girls? What? No dancing girls yet? What kind of social club is this????

Heart Of Darkness said...

Or - if Yogi gets on the nevers of the other inhabitans of that nursing table, maybe they'll make him cliffdive off it... and then Yogi would have a booboo... :)

I'm not mean, I'm just a little misplaced...


BTW, I used to have a flat bear when I was a baby. That bitch gave me complex later on in life - I say, put Flat bear into rehab and forcefeed him, like a goose!

furiousBall said...

Kids love empty beer cans, should scatter a few through the room.

Heidi the Hick said...

He'll live a boredom-free life!!

captain corky said...

Lady K: I live in Kentucky! That means that he'll be able to get his own real arsenal when he's about 10. ;)

Sunshine: It all depends on how much I weigh the first time it happens. ;)

Jay: There's still time for you to join. I don't know how comfortable it will be blogging from Corky Jr's changing table, but you're welcome anytime my friend.

Heart of Darkness: If he gets any skinnier we might have to hook an IV up to him.

P.S. I know there's some light in that Heart of Darkness. ;)

Furiousball: I will, along with some dirty ashtrays, and some dried up puke.

Heidi: Just like his Pops. ;)

Metal Mark said...

All parents buy cute stuffed animals. Then eventually the kids will prefer playing with boxes, gift bags and tissue paper more. Just the way it is.

Blancodeviosa said...

Wow, the little guy travels in the same circles I do

Jenny! said...

What sweet friends! Pooh creeps me out!

captain corky said...

Metal Mark: I already have 5 action figures that Jr can't play with until he's 4 years old. Who do you think they're really for?

Blancodeviosa: Come to think of it, Dino did mention that you look familiar. Have you ever been to Vegas?

Jenny: Allyson's not a real big fan of Pooh either, but I rewrote Pooh's history here. So now everyone can love Pooh.

The Lone Beader said...

Those are wonderful friends.

I can't remember what I had when I was that small, but currently, I still have a Tigger that I got @ Disney World 20 yrs ago, a stuffed Zebra, and an owl that is a puppet. And, of course, there's that stuffed rattlesnake that lives in the back window of my Buick. He's my best friend out of the whole bunch cuz he scares away the cops that try to pull me over for speeding...LOL.

Cheryl said...

So, does your wife read your blog? Is she seriously worried that your warped mind genes are being passed on to Corky Jr.? She should be scared, very scared.

Feels Like Home said...

Just wanted to say Good luck with the soon to be new little squirt. You are headed for fun times!

Biddie said...

I bet that Little Cletus will love it. :)

Big Pissy said...

I'm so glad that a dog is included in Corky Jr's circle of friends.

Dogs are the best.

Now go get him a REAL one. ;-)

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

Sounds like quite the group! I'm sure Corky Jr. is in for a grand time with his new friends. I like Quack-Quack the best I think.

kat said...

I want to tease you for playing with dolls but the truth is I think it's sweet.

Beefcake Almighty said...

take a picture.

this will be the last time you will see that area organized.

swampy said...

Suspense and Stuffed Animals ! Quite a combo.
I still have so many of my girls' stuffed toys, that I hung a hammock in an extra bedroom and they live there now. I love all those friends you pictured and described.

Webmiztris said...

wow, it looks like you guys are all set up and ready to go! not even born yet and he has friends? gees! I'm 31 and I STILL only have like two....LOL

gawilli said...

I love how everything is laid out so nice and neat. And Ready. Have you rearranged it 15 times until you got it just right? I think we did. Then we would just sit in the rocking chair and patiently wait...

He that's a pretty rough crowd your kiddo is going to be hanging with.

madame x said...

hey... just popped in to see if anything has popped out...

quack-quack's got that satisfied sh#*faced looked about him indeed.. he'll be a good companion:)

Heart Of Darkness said...

Yep, there's some light! I have a tenant that forgets to turn his night lamp off. Electrocity alone costs me a fortune!

captain corky said...

Beader: I should have come up with the idea of putting a rattle snake in my back window. Just think of all the money, and headaches I could have saved myself.

Cheryl: We've already worked all that out before we conceived. Corky Jr gets all of my good qualities and all of Allyson's and as a result will be a perfect child.

Feels Like Home: Thank you very much!

Biddie: You know he will. ;)

Big Pissy: But my wife already has two cats, one husband, and a baby to take care of. How will she ever manage a dog too?

captain corky said...

Whim: Quack-Quack's a pretty smug bastard, but we like him anyway. ;)

Kat: I don't play with dolls...Corky Jr will be able to play with the action figures that I bought for him in 4 or 5 years. Until then I'll just "take care of them" for him.

Thunderbolt: I hope we spend a couple hours a week cleaning after the kid is born, but I hear horror stories about time and energy.

Swampy: Thanks. If Corky Jr is anything like his dad he'll have a very fun time playing with them and an almost lethal imagination.

Webmiztris: That's not true! You've got 40 friends who come banging on your door daily. Does it matter so much that their only 2 dimensional and most are freaks, kind of like me? ;)

captain corky said...

Gawilli: I'll teach Jr how to handle that crowd... In no time he'll be the boss. I think we're pretty much ready to go now. :)

Madame X: Thanks for stopping in. Any minute now...;)

Heart of Darkness. You should evict the asshole. ;)

Heart Of Darkness said...

No, I don't have tenants up there...


I would evict my tenant, buthe's got contract. Nothing to do...

Cazzie!!! said...

Awwwwwwwwww, soo cute!!
My boys have a Mr Bean bear each, he is cute, came with his very own birth certificate and serial number, can be washed in the machine and hung out to dry..very cute knitted bear :)

Beefcake Almighty said...

Yeah...

You won't have any of it.

Crashdummie said...

Omg I cant believe your gonna be a dad. But I know you will be a good one – I spotted a Winnie The Pooh! Yey!

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Don't hate on the Flat Bear. He's got real issues.

Laurasia said...

Lol! You, my friend, are a HOT ASS MESS! I hope Corky Jr. grows up to be just like his daddy...

I'll be keeping you and your wife in high hopes. Good luck!!

Yayyyy!

abbagirl74 said...

Where is the Spock doll? How could you let your kid do without? Corky Jr. could be listening to quotes like "We simply must accept the fact that Captain Kirk is no longer alive" and "Random chance seems to have operated in our favor" or "Well I... Wouldn't exactly put it in those terms captain, but those are essentially the facts."

Uh, hello?????

Kvatch said...

For the past 55 years Quack-Quack has made his living as a lounge singer. Back in the 70's Quack-Quack was smoking two cartons of cigarettes a week and drinking a bottle of Scotch every night.

Hey...is Quack-Quack related to "Wheezy" from Toy Story II?

Nonny said...

Here's hoping Corky Jr. finds his own friends and fast. It seems like a rough crowd for a baby to be hanging with.

Has your wife's OB/GYN discussed induction at all? How much is she dilated? It's uncommon to go beyond your due date, but we always have at least one per group. They all usually go 2-5 days before their due date. Hope that keeps the hope alive :)

Pink said...

I think you should keep flatbear from having too much influence on JR. What with the modern metrosexual there is too much pressure to be all buff.

With Jr's baby fat, it could really give him a complex.

Don't worry about Spot. Maybe Jr will teach him how to fuck hookers one day.

And if quack quack bugs you just remind him that every duck can be a DEAD duck
xx
pinks

Chucky said...

damn dude look at all the comments you get now. You don't even need lil ol' me to stop by anymore :/

Don't forget the little people! =)

Cindy-Lou said...

Pooh bear doesn't seem to fit in the group. I think you should kick him out.

TheBirdman33 said...

Pooh is by far the coolest!

TheBirdman33 said...

I have no respect for Spot

Chucky said...

Oh yeah, that I a real nice set up you got going on there. Looks like a good group of friends he'll have.

The Lone Beader said...

Corky, thanks for adding Rudy to your site. Since I don't have a lotta space on my sidebar, I'm starting a new blogroll on my secret blog. (Rudy's owner is writing it=:) Anyways, you're the first one on the list. Lata... :)

mist1 said...

I have a friend like Spot. He judges me.

captain corky said...

Heart: That's a relief. That could be really painful.

Cazzie: I came with my very own birth certificate too. ;)

Thunderbolt. I think I'm going to have to hire a made. I just can't have that shit.

Crashdummie: I can hardly believe it myself. :)

Cherry Ride: We love all of Corky Jr's dysfunctional friends.

captain corky said...

Laurasia: "Lol! You, my friend, are a HOT ASS MESS!"

Flattery will get you everywhere. ;)

Abbagirl 74: Of course I have those too, and I show you a pic of them soon.

Kvatch: I'm not really sure, but rumor has it he's Frank Sinatra's long lost illegitimate son.

Nonny: I'm going to e-mail you my response.

captain corky said...

Pink: "And if quack quack bugs you just remind him that every duck can be a DEAD duck"

LOL! Exactly.

Chucky: Of course I do!

Cindy-lou. Pooh finally feels like he fits in for the first time. We just couldn't kick him out now.

Birdman: Somehow I just knew you would like Pooh.

Chucky: Thanks pal.

Beader: Thanks! :)

Mist1: LOL! I think we all have a friend or two like that. I just wonder what those freaks do behind closed doors.

On second thought, no don't want to know.

Canadian flake said...

lol Corky JR already has more friends than I do..lmao.

CRUSTYBEEF said...

Ha..I love the names and their histories-Corky Jr's pals!! :)
Always,
Crusty~