Monday, April 06, 2009

No Soliciting

How often do assholes knock on your front door and try to either save your soul, or get you to change your Internet service provider? It happens to me way too often. If it's not a Mormon, it's a Jehovah's' Witness, and if it's not a Scientologist, it's some lame sap subcontracted by AT&T to get me to switch from a Cable modem to DSL.

The other day, Joe came knocking at my door and I had to cut the poor soul off before he got started. I told him that there was no way in hell that I would ever have a land line again, and I'd give up my left arm before I got rid of my cable modem (until something faster comes along that is).

I wasn't really mad at Joe for trying to earn a living though. Turns out that Joe moved to Louisville just about 10 years ago and is originally from Miami Florida. I moved to Louisville almost 10 years ago too, and I was raised in NJ. So we actually have a lot in common. I wonder if Joe and his wife are expecting their second child in 42 days... Probably.

Actually, I thought about asking him over for supper some time, but I didn't want it to get weird considering that I wasn't going to land him a really big commission or anything like that. Still, it would be nice to be friends with someone who has so much in common with me. Joe, if you're reading this post send me a link to your blog and feel free to drop in unannounced anytime!

Now when the Mormons or the Scientologist or the Jews for Jesus come knocking on my door on a Saturday morning around 10:00 AM-ish this pisses me off a lot! Don't get wrong I hate AT&T just as much as I hate the saved community, but a lot of times on Saturday mornings my kid is running around the living room and it startles the shit out of him when someone who he doesn't recognise bangs on my front door and invades our privacy. Makes me think about getting a pit-bull. I wonder if Joe is selling dogs door to door yet...
I also get the occasional kid selling chocolate bars for school or some dude running a landscaping company out of the trunk of his 1987 Cutlass Sierra. Once I had a person come to my door who tried to sell me steaks out of the back of her van. That's pretty shady if you ask me. Someday when I make it big I'm going to live in one of those fancy subdivisions that doesn't allow any solicitors. Sorry Joe, religious fanatics, and all Girl Scouts.

The one exception to my rule is that it's perfectly acceptable to solicit when leaving a comment on this blog. Especially if you solicit in a foreign language. I always get a kick out of that. Feel free to drop off your manifesto anytime.


Mike Golch said...

great posting.I love the sign.we live in a condo that does not allow any of the things mentioned,but yet they still come a knocking on my door any way. Maybe I need one that saiys the same thing except add you will be shot on sight,maybe that will deture them.

Jay said...

There are a couple of Mormons living upstairs from me. But, they don't try to convert anyone here in the apartment complex. They're kind of like the Mafia in that they don't allow any shit to go down in their own neighborhood.

fiwa said...

I would like to have a house with a moat for that very reason. And I would only put the drawbridge down if someone I knew was coming over.

We have some guys who work with a rival alarm company who have really started to piss me off. They don't wear anything identifying what company they're with, just nicely dressed in slacks and button down shirts and they start off their spiel saying that they're working with the local police department to ensure that everyone who has an alarm is "blah,blah,blah" because otherwise if your alarm goes off the signal won't reach them and you will DIE at the hands of a robber or rapist. They really play on your fears. I fell for it the first time, and was really listening and getting worried about my alarm, till something prompted me to say "Are you selling something?" Ahhhhhhh... no direct answer, so I asked again. Ahhhhhhhhh...
Get out dude. See ya - and I'm calling the police to let them know you're using their name as part of your selling pitch. They hit the door so fast it almost made the whole thing fun.

Crashdummie said...

But what if u dont have a soul to save to start with?

Chris H said...

I tell ALL of those 'door knockers' to piss ENGLISH ..cos I don't speak a foreign language... sorry about that!
I can say "Kia Ora" .. means Hi
but PISS OFF still sounds the same!

Hoosier Girl said...

Euwwwww! I've had those meat sellers in my neighborhood, too! Who, really, would buy meat from someone out of the back of a truck? I mean, are they crazy?


Dana said...

We don't get many solicitors - maybe it's the arsenal of M-16's we keep displayed in the front window?

The Lone Beader said...

Some religious solicitors came knocking on my door once holding the Bible. I told them I already had a religion - It's called Sex Drugs & Rock-n-roll. I was surprised they never came back. :D

steve young said...

when i was abroad in spain, i lived in an old woman's house. one day i answered the doorbell and there were three freckled mormons in my face. i laughed out loud at how preposterous it was.

captain corky said...

Mike: That's not a bad idea and with the way things are today I wouldn't knock on some one's door with that kind of warning.

Jay: In other words, they don't shit where they eat. LOL!

Fiwa: We have an alarm system and it's gone off two or three times by "accident" already. The cops never respond before 15 minutes so the system is pretty much useless, but it does make my wife feel safer. Slightly.

Crashdummie: Hopefully I'll never meet anyone who doesn't have a soul. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Chris H: Piss off works for me!

captain corky said...

Hoosier Girl: Probably the same freaks that came to our door.

Dana: That would definitely deter me from trying to sell you inferior Internet service. Well, that and I have a pretty decent job that I think I'll stick with for a while. ;)

Beader: Trust me, they'll be back! They're like cockroaches. LOL

Steve Young: One time they came knocking at the door when I was living at Brandywine. I wanted to invite them in because it was two girls and they were kind of hot, but it wasn't feasible due to my living arrangements at the time.

Norma said...

I blogged about some effin' Mormons who showed up at my door (in a somewhat-ritzy, but not yet gated; I'm working on it, though! subdivision) last year. We get'em occasionally and when I am so inclined (i.e., bored) I will take the time to mess with them, engage them in some silly battle of logic. More often, I'll just yell "No, thank you," through the door; if they persist, I upgrade that to "Get off my fuckin' property!"

Hey, thanks for stopping by my blog, congratulations on your impending new baby, and my older daughter LOVES lima beans, too!

Anonymous said...

Jehovah's came to my door last weekend. Thankfully, I saw them coming and ignored my doorbell. I wish they would stop trying to force their religion through front doors!

Biddie said...

I am SO sick of people trying to save me! What makes these people so superior to all of us?
The JW's think that only 10 thousand people are getting into heaven...If this is the truth, then they should stop trying to convert everyone, it might eff up their chances of getting in.

Burfica said...

I like the moat idea. But I want to keep the drawbridge up even if the inlaws come over.

I would be the crazy old lady that never goes out if I had a moat and privacy. hahahahahaha

When the solicitors come by here, I hand them my avon books. hahahahaha

Palm Springs Savant said...

We have a gate in the front house and I keep it locked all the time just to keep these nutjobs out!

captain corky said...

Norma: Thank you.

I don't think any of them understand logic and I know for a fact that the AT&T people don't understand logic.

Jessica: Me too. Why can't they just keep their fear to themselves.

Biddie: True. They would have a lot better chance of winning the lottery with those odds.

Burfica: Nice! Fight fire with fire.

Rick: If it keeps up I think I'll get a dog and a gate just to keep the bastards away.

Heidi the Hick said...

That's why I have a pug, dude.

The snorting and whining and spinning scares 'em off real good and proper!

Actually today a dude came to the door wanting to sell us some kind of deregulated unregulated electricity rate blahblahblah and I played super dumb, which is easy, and lied, yes I LIED and told him it's not my house. So he gave me a card and left. I'd keep playing my old game of "My parents won't be home til later" but I think I'm getting too many wrinkles for that now.

Michael said...

Who would buy meat from someone at the door like that? Scary. I only buy meat that's irradiated, dosed in bleach and shrink wrapped by someone wearing a full body latex suit.

Two Mormons knocked on my door when I was a kid. They had a big old tape recorder and they said they had a message from Jesus. I never got over it. I'd never met any Americans before.

Oh, and a guy once saw me through my window watching Lost re-runs during the day. He knocked and asked if I'd like any paid work delivering his leaflets - fuck off!

captain corky said...

Heidi: You've inspired to me to drool on myself the next time they come knocking on my door. That'll show em!

Michael: I'm just glad that not all of us Americans are that lame.

I do have a question for you though, is it true that most Americans smell like cheese? I've heard that before and was just wondering...

Lady K said...

dude, just stopped by to say hi, and then run again...was thinking about you the other day and hoping the family is doing great!!! Hope Cork Jr. and the newbie are doing awesome! I don't write much these days, as if anyone noticed, ha ha. Seriously, be WELL, bud!

Christie said...

So once the Mormons came knocking on my step-moms door, and when she saw them coming, she stripped down to her birthday suit, and answered the door. They have never ever come back to her house.

And when they come to our house asking if we've found Jesus, Jay just says "NO, but we found Satan. He's great!" and they don'tcome to our house anymore, either.

Michael said...

[I do have a question for you though, is it true that most Americans smell like cheese? I've heard that before and was just wondering...]

Can't say I've heard that before. Next time I'm over I'll get in close and sniff one of them cute hotel porters. I'm sure they won't mind breathing in my Gin & Tonic fumes for a good bit of perving... err... research.

David G. Meatman said...

O.K. so you dont buy anything off of a truck but im can assure you nearly everything you own was on the back of a truck at one point in time.
Have you ever bought ice cream for your children from the ice cream man or gone through schwanns or even the milk man... all off the back of a truck.

Anonymous said...

The ice cream truck has a business license, Schwanns is a reputable company that is licensed and inspected regularly. Some dude with a freezer in the back of his personal vehicle knocking random doors has none of that. just saying......

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