Wednesday, July 28, 2010

A Canoe Story


A few years ago on Arbor Day Eve, Alon and Olivia Wood died in a boating accident on the White Oak River while training for an upcoming canoe sprint. Due to a series of unsolved gruesome killings that took place two summers earlier, a coroner was brought in to examine the incident. The coroner’s report concluded that foul play was highly unlikely and evidence provided by a very large hole in the bottom of Alon and Olivia’s Birch-bark canoe all but confirmed that the canoe most likely collided with the stump of a Southern Crabapple Tree at an unusually high speed for a motor less boat. After the autopsy report came back three weeks and six days later, it was revealed that Alon and Olivia Wood were regular users of the human growth hormone steroid thus satisfying the coroner’s inquiry as to the speed of the human powered water craft.

Later, Barclay Chaney, a bitter racing rival of Alon’s, sent details of the tragedy to the Unites States Canoe Association and as a result, the Woods were stripped of both National Titles that they had earned. The USCA then forwarded the information to the President of the International Canoe Federation and the President of the ICF ordered that Olivia and Alon Wood could never sit in a canoe again.

Alon’s former High School Principal Dekel Egor caught wind of the story on the 6:00 O’clock news while he was putting together a jigsaw puzzle with his granddaughter Sequoia, and was so embarrassed and outraged at the boy he once treated like a son, that Dekel Egor influenced the Board of Education to revoke Woods Letter in Canoeing. Egor then consulted The Law Firm of Eilon, Elder, and Ellery in regards to having Alon Wood’s letterman jacket seized from the Estate of the late Mr. and Mrs. Wood. And not only did Olivia’s disgraced legacy scar friends and family, but it also brought profound shame to the Native American Algonquin Tribe in which she was a member of. One can only hope and pray that the Midew are more forgiving than Dekel Egor, and don’t call on the Death Spirit to pay her soul a little visit.

But the enormity Alon and Olivia Wood committed against decency, fair play, sportsmanship, justice and the overall heritage and institution of canoeing is nothing compared to the profound consequence their transgression would have on the only thing either of them ever truly treasured more than a bark covered hollowed out piece of wood propelled by paddles, their son, a crazy motherfucker named Frank.

To Be Continued...

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

wait...... what?

Hoosier Girl said...

I'm confused.....


J.

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