Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Claymation Salvation

Dear Lieutenant Ilia,

I'm your friend, and I don't want to see your soul burn in hell for all eternity.

I don’t know if I’ve ever told you this or not, but I’m a practicing Lutheran and have been since the late 1970’s when I first discovered God at 5:00 AM on Saturday mornings thanks to a claymation show called Davey and Goliath.

We Lutherans are as liberal as Christians get. Some people think we're full of shit cause we even have gay clergy serving in our churches. Obviously, this pissed off a few of our sect which caused them to jump on three wooden ships and set sail for America so they could freely practice Lutheranism without any unsavory gay people. But for the most part we Lutherans are pretty fucking cool and accepting of the way the World works today.

From reading your post, it’s clear that DumDum and her sin-obsessed cohorts do not even attempt to practice the principles of Christianity in their daily affairs. I’ve met hundreds of Christians like DumDum in my life and every one of them made me sick to my stomach.

A few years back David, a student attending the local Southern Baptist Seminary very close to completing his minister degree, worked for me and he was lazy, extremely lazy. I told the soon-to- be minister that his shit didn’t fly with God, or me and that he was a piss poor example of someone aspiring to be a leader of the Christian community, or any kind of leader for that matter. I also told a bunch of David’s colleagues that he didn’t make for a very good Storm Trooper.

 David, if you're reading this I want you to know that I forgive you for being lazy, and it's my hope that you're working on that character defect. 

Ilia, if you're reading this I want you to know that I forgive you for directing me to Divine Interventions. Your path to Salvation starts simply by clicking play on the You Tube clip embeded in this post.


Quinta said...

You obviously Do. I Do Not. I don't even Try.
Good to see you are one of the rare ones that actually practices what they preach.
I was raised Jewish so Davey and Goliath can't bring me to salvation, the Salvation Army, or the nearest Lutheran church.

Jay said...

Glad to know that you are a Lutheran. I was afraid that you might be a Baptist which would mean that I couldn't associate with you. After all, the Methodist's biggest rivals are the Baptists, right?

Dana said...

I used to watch Davey and Goliath too ... but it creeped me out!

Peter said...

All you heretics just might burn in hell. Our good Catholic God does not appreciate self-serving dissenters or others who stray from the fold. Repent!

Lieutenant Ilia said...

But if I go to a priest and say I'm sorry, does that mean I won't burn in hell anymore? At least until the next sin?