Wednesday, October 06, 2010

Finding one's footing

Although I never made it to double digits, I did go through my fair share of, um, relating to the opposite sex.  From that, some lines must be immortalized for their 1) audacity, 2) creep factor, and 3) quality blog post material.  Coincidentally, these all happened within two years' time.

On the offensive scale, these comments range from "mildly annoying" to "someone making a Hitler joke at a Jewish family's Thanksgiving dinner".

From about age 19 though 21, I was a little chubby from lack of exercise and an un-lack of beer.  Call it the sophomore fifteen.  Apparently, this invited the first two comments.

"You have a great body, but your hips are too big."
Oh yeah? 
Well, I can floss with your penis. 
With your microdick, you should be worshipping the air I just farted in.

(Then-fuck-buddy smacks said big hipped ass): "You need to go run another six miles." 

Eventually I ran 750 miles away from that one.

Late in my sophomore year, a friend set me up with a long haired violin player.  I have to admit it was very strange making out with someone who had longer hair than I did.  He also had a mark on his neck from the violin playing.  It looked like he'd given himself a massive hickey with a vaccuum cleaner.  Who knows, maybe he actually did that.  The relationship was going well enough until one spring evening in my dorm room:

Violinist:  You know when your feet smell after you take your shoes off? 
Me: Yes...
Violinist:  I find that to be an aphrodisiac. Do you think that's weird?
Me:  YES.
The next day...
Violinist, to mutual friend:  (Lieutenant Ilia) doesn't appreciate my odd sensualities.
Me (upon learning about that comment): Odd?  That's not odd.  That's fucked up!


Summer between sophomore and junior years of college.
Getting off the PATH train in Harrison:
"You look just like my girlfriend did.  She died six months ago."
Like the true soft-hearted, romantic, sentimental schmoop that I am, I ignored him.

"You have no personality."
Thus ended my Jewish dating career.

I am now challenging Corky and Peter to come up with their own lists, which will inevitably be funnier than mine, because I am almost certainly a nun compared to those two manwhores.


Peter said...

Has anyone ever told you that you're cute? (That's meant to be an ambiguous shot across the bow; enjoy...)

Lieutenant Ilia said...

Cute like taking condoms back from an ex, not in a crazy former girlfriend kind of way, but because I bought them? Sure.

Peter said...

And funny?

Peter said...

And not exactly nun material, even by comparison to Corky and me?

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