Enhance This!

While in an insomniac daze one night months ago, I made the mistake of channel surfing. We have the cable that is one step above basic--I think I need to upgrade or cancel it. The pickings were slim at two a.m., and I wound up tuning into an infomercial for some male enhancement product or other. There were several plain--yet somehow oversexed--young ladies talking about the importance of the size of a certain member of their partners' anatomy.

They talked about how disappointed they have been with this, that or the other boyfriend's wee willy winky; "I went out with him for three years, but I didn't like having sex with him!" I came away from it thinking that, despite all the feedback to the contrary, I was woefully inadequately equipped to pleasure any woman ever. I was devastated.

I don't like feeling down, so right away I worked on turning this thing around. I thought long and hard about it, and I came up with a radically different approach to the matter. I reasoned that everyone is looking at the "problem" from the wrong perspective. The real problem lies with the hole, not the pole.

To prove my point, I went to China and interviewed several thousand women ranging in age from eighteen to ninety-six. Through my trusty interpreter, I asked each of them several pointed questions about their sex lives. The final questions were: Numerous studies have shown that Chinese penises, on average, are smaller than most others on Earth; how can there be so many of you? How can you derive pleasure from such a small penis? The answer will astound you.

They all told me about an herbal tea they drink daily that restores their vaginas to near-virgin tightness and appearance. The recipes varied from region to region, but I was able to isolate three key ingredients common to all of them. I have combined those and several other herbal ingredients in a proprietary blend and have rendered them into pill form. I am proud to introduce here, under the grand auspices of Corky's log, this miracle product I have dubbed STOPGAP (patent pending).

Remember that embarrassing trip to the beach last summer--the teenage boys pointing at your crotch snickering? When that one bold smart aleck came up to you and said, "Joe Camel called; he wants his toe back!" You can say goodbye to those days forever, now that there's STOPGAP! That monster dildo you've been wearing out dreaming of a well-hung lover? Forget about it! With STOPGAP even the smallest penises will satisfy you. Every time will feel like the first time! Guaranteed!

We tested STOPGAP on several washed-up adult movie actresses. These ladies could not even get back-door scenes any more, their labia flapped so low. But with the rejuvenating power of STOPGAP, they were able to land starring roles again! Look for them in the upcoming blockbuster, Forty-Year-Old Virgins, to be released straight-to-DVD this summer! [I had a hand in producing and directing it.] The proof is right there before your eyes!

Ladies! You know how it is! You give birth to a baby or two or more, the doctor stops one or two stitches short, next thing you know the old snatch isn't nearly what it used to be. STOPGAP can fix that!

Guys! If your woman has been hinting that you might want to try one of those unsafe male enhancement products, you have to buy her some STOPGAP! Clinically proven safe and effective, STOPGAP will revitalize anyone's love life! I personally guarantee it!

Anyone interested in purchasing this revolutionary, life-enhancing miracle product should call 1-888-STOPGAP today! A three-month supply is only $39.95! Mention Corky's log and get a free three-month supply with your purchase! That number again is 1-888-STOPGAP--call now! Tell them Peter sent you! Operators are standing by...