Thursday, October 19, 2006

Candy nobody wants

When I think of the word candy the first thing that pops into my head is a butterscotch sucker. I don't even like them. The smell of butterscotch alone, is enough to make me gag and choke back my vomit. Butterscotch is just to damn rich for my blood. Never liked it, never will.

Around this week every year we have to start deciding what kind of candy were going to buy for tricker treators. Don't be that asshole that couldn't take a 5 minute detour out of your hectic schedule to buy a freaking bag of candy!

It's a major decision in my household every year. I always have to remind Allyson not to get anything with cocoanut in it. No Almond Joys or Mounds please. Truth is I'm probably the one who picks up the candy, and I can assure you it will be from Hershey. You can tell a lot about people from what they give out, and I don't want to be judged by the kind of Candy I give out so I play it safe and go with Hershey every year.

Just think back to your own experiences. Fuck you penny giver! After four hours of intense tricker treating the last thing you want to do is count out a $1.27 in change. Fuck you fruit giver! I'm not eating a piece of fruit from a strangers house... I've heard all the urban myths about razor blades and apples. Last but not least, fuck you evangelist. I certainly don't need to be reading the propaganda you through in my candy bag with a butterscotch button tied to it.
When I take my kids out tricker treating I'm going to take notes. We'll know what houses to avoid, that's for sure!

As for the trick part of Halloween I've never seen it pulled off successfully... I suppose I could invite all the tricker treators who come to my place in, and make them watch 5 minutes of Armageddon, that would definitly horrify them. It did me.


Anonymous said...

Hm, I hadn't thought about it yet.
One thing I hate is when guys in their late teens into their twenties come to the door. Why do they trick-or-treat?! The only way I will open the door on Halloween for boys over 4'11" is if I'm dressed as a baseball player and holding my bat. I also have this sick fantasy of opening the door and exhaling marijuana smoke at the little kids...

TheBirdman33 said...

Armageddon is a good popcorn movie!!!
Anyway, my mom was the queen when we were little because she got the fantastic candy cigarettes that were pure sugar and lasted for 3 mins but was like heaven in your mouth.
Then I got older and candy cigarettese were not politically correct and not as readily available. So she became the person who gave out a box of pretzels. Huge downslide moms!

Anonymous said...

I changed my mind. I'm gonna give out condoms.

captain corky said...

Daniell, you have inspired me to live out my own twisted fantasy. When kids come to my door I'm going to punch them in the face and steal their candy.

Birdman, I thought about mentioning your mom's candy cigarette habit but I didn't want to steal your thunder.

Anonymous said...

man, those were the days...back when you could still have candy cigarettes. doesn't modern life suck?

Anonymous said...

candy joints

TheBirdman33 said...

I'm going trick or treating at Danielle's!