Sunday, January 28, 2007

Stir Crazy


Traditionally the past weekend is the toughest weekend of the year for me. The week between the championship games and the Super Bowl has always been tough. The Super Bowl bye week... It's like quitting a 15 year, two can a day, Copenhagen habit cold turkey. Yes, that's how much control the NFL has over my emotions and my overall general purpose in life. I don't know if I'll ever do anything great with my life, but I do know that every year come September I'll be glued to my couch for the following 21 Sundays (excluding the cursed bye week of course). Does this mean I'm mindless? No. Football is a great, and it's worth my complete devotion.

The Super Bowl bye week would be much easier for me if I could go fishing, but it's 22 degrees outside and Kentucky is not exactly known for it's great ice fishing. Sure I could clean out my tackle box, but that only takes an hour at best. In past Super Bowl bye weekends to deal with the depression I've gone bowling, gotten high, watched television, gotten drunk, gambled and compulsively jerked off. As a result of some of these behaviors my average in bowling went through the roof, I drooled on myself and laughed really hard, killed many brain cells (so they say), damaged my liver and was very, very raw, and sore. But none of these behaviors were ever sufficient at filling the gaping hole in my soul left by the absence of football during the bye week.

This year has been different. The NFL network's been running a marathon on the previous 40 past Super Bowls, so I'm being weaned off of football instead of having to quit cold turkey this year. Also, I've been spending a lot of time admiring myself in the mirror. It feels like I lost 10 pounds over night. I was so happy with myself this morning that I went to the gym, and celebrated my success by implementing phase 2 of my reconstruction. In other words I jogged this morning. The first month was warm up. I'll be a lot more specific when I write Captain Corky's guide to exercise and good health, but the gist of it is that I did a lot of walking and dieting in January. I also gradually worked back into a weight lifting routine.

Phase 2 of my reconstruction plan is going to focus on cutting calories and running. I'm also going to be lifting 5 days a week, like I have been for the past two weeks. My new breakfast which I just started eating a couple of days ago consists of two hard boiled eggs, and a can of tuna fish. Roughly about 302 calories. Not bad. Then I'll have a pretty hefty meal in the middle. I would like to keep it around 800 to 900 calories at the most. And then for my third meal I'll have cereal, Bite Size Shredded Wheat with whole milk (The shit has no taste but fills me up pretty good and helps with other things.) Just for kicks I might have a peanut butter sandwich instead of cereal. I might even have an apple or something in between meals. Who knows? I've also been taking vitamins, and I'll continue to drink plenty of water and coffee. Not giving up coffee ever!

Sorry about the diet diversion, but like I said I'm pretty happy with myself right at this moment. Never again will I have an issue with the Bye week. Next year at this time I'll have a 6 month old baby that will be occupying my attention and the rest of my life for that matter. Mabye I'll even let Corky JR. help me clean out my tackle box sometime.

27 comments:

bardouble29 said...

OMG, I laughed so hard at your list of activities to fill in the single weekend between the final game and the superbowl.

theresa said...

I learned my lesson about crazy men and football when I was a teenager. I stood in front of the TV while my "little" brother was trying to watch the game. In the process of him moving me out of the way, something broke ...
2 of my ribs.
At half time, I finally talked my Dad into driving me to the ER.
... and people wonder why there are so many therapists in the United States.

Great post, Corky! You definitely got me giggling a few times.

And good job on your self improvement project. If you don't watch out, you're going to inspire me to start using my gym membership regularly.

Alicia said...

I felt a void this afternoon that could only be filled by watching Superbowl XV on the NLF Channel. It sucked to watch the Cowboys stomp the Broncos, but atleast it was football. Go Colts!
Why don't you name your baby "Colt"... that's cute. A girl named "Peyton" is cute, too.

Jay said...

I wish I had the NFL network. I was just sitting here in a daze all afternoon. No football at all. It was a long Sunday afternoon.

Good job in going to the gym. I was just thinking about how I should go tomorrow morning too. Maybe I will do just that.

Lady K said...

I haven't even read this post but started LMAO at the photo. OMG. I'll be back.

Lady K said...

Okay. LMFAO. Two words: Sympathy Hormones. Seriously. You are out of your mind. It's all going to be okay. Go get some chicken wings, a hamburger or pizza, and some ice cream for your wife. Not necessarily in that order. Put down the remote and just BREATHE, corky. INHALE.............Exhale.........

captain corky said...

Bar: Thanks. I'm glad you liked it.

Theresa: That's crazy! We guys do love our football, and I've never been to a therapist. I swear, cross my heart, hope to... Nevermind.

Alicia: I turned if off when they got to the Bills vs. the Giants. I can't watch any of those Bills Super Bowls ever again. Maybe if Kelly had won just one of them I could. The Super Bowls from the 70's are the best by far.

Jay: I know the feeling! Trust me.

Lady: Sympathy Hormones? Never heard of it. Breathe? Who has time to breathe? Not me. So little to do and so much time. Strike that! Reverse it.

Pud said...

Ahhh....you and I have the same football addiction. It's been a bitch living over here in Iraq with a football addiction.

HoosierGirl5 said...

I am impressed with all you've done. I, on the other hand, have done nothing toward my goals except once I looked up the times for the Weight Watchers meetings. You are leaving me in the dust, man!

J.

Metal Mark said...

Good for you for keeping up with the exercise. It's tough to get out and run in the winter. I hate that dead Sunday as well. I filled my day by going to a Super Wal-mart that just opened near me. I found season three of the original Star Trek there. I was beginning to think I was going to have to order it.

RockDog said...

Why do they have the Bye weekend??? Unless it helps contribute to having better commercials I say we just get it over with. Wussies! Man up and play!

My Super Bowl prediction...Bud Light beats Bud...oh wait, that was ten eyars ago...I say GoDaddy.com has a sexy commercial that will make me rewind Tivo 6 times to watch it again and again...Mmmmmmmm, boobies

Big Pissy said...

Football? I know nothing!

Now dieting....THAT I understand!

Sounds like you're doing all the right stuff. I used to eat that way....breakfast....bigger lunch...and cereal for dinner. Worked for me!

Good luck with it! :)

Steven Novak said...

I won't even be watching the superbowl.

Does that bother you Cork? ;)

Steve~

Pixie said...

Superbowl...whats that ?

Yasamin said...

lol Cap'n the sacrifices we make for football... this weekend was an empty void of nothingness for me too. funny though i got alot o knitting done. haha

football has caused me to buy a freakin big screen tv and now satelite tv so nick can not only get the nfl network but for the sunday ticket. geez.

Heidi on Vashon said...

Nice work on the bod squad! Keep it going! -hw

captain corky said...

Pud: I don't know how you do it sister. My hats off to you.

J: Thanks. I'm highly motivated. I get into it a little more in a couple of days.

Mark: Did you get season three for a good price?

Rockdog: I wrote a commercial for the best Super Bowl add contest that the NFL Network was promoting but It was too late to submit it. Hopefully they'll do it again next year.

Pissy: Thanks. I'm going to slowly integrate a more appetizing diet in the next couple of months. But for now it's fucking cereal for dinner.

Steve: Be careful buddy, that kind of talk could get you deported.

Pixie: Super Bowl Sunday is Americs finest day of the year.

Yasamin: When I get Sunday Ticket my life's dream will finally be realized.

Heidi: Thanks. I'm going to make you proud.

Metal Mark said...

Captain Corky-I got it for $50. So now I can listen to such classic seasons three lines as:

"Brain, brain, what is brain?"

and

"I'm going to crack my knuckles and jump for joy because I got a clean bill of health from Dr. McCoy"

captain corky said...

We reach Metal Mark.

AuntJackie said...

If you take in 800-900 calories total for the whole day, then you're gonna starve your body and ruin your metabolism. I know, I know-lectures right? Well it's true. Especially if you don't want to burn up all your muscle and store fat? You should eat about 5-6 portioned meals per day, and never EVER eat less than 1200 cal... especially when working out heavy.

captain corky said...

800-900 is just for my main meal of the day Jackie. Breakfast is targeted at 300 and dinner is about the same, maybe even 400.

AuntJackie said...

hehe... sorry, I had a "blonde" moment (no offense to anyone)

Well at least you now know that I am schooled on diet and exercise regimens!

James Burnett said...

Captain, this is the best workout plan I've seen in some time. You've gotta put this in book or at least pamphlet form for the rest of us who find ourselves wandering aimlessly during bye week.

BTW, I'll be partying w/Carmen Electra the night before the big game.

Life in Miami is rough, my friend.

Life, or Something Like It said...

Ok, I'm back. I know you missed me. I know it....

Yasamin said...

yeah i figure many men spontaneously bust a nut and have a heart attack at the same time their sunday ticket is connected. lol

My SFBC has the star trek animated series on sale in this nifty little dvd set thingy.. wondered if you seen that yet...

Michael C said...

I begin shaking uncontrollably during the last NASCAR race of the year. The first off week after the season almost kills me. My family doesn't know what to do with my on Sunday when I'm not in front of the TV...I kinda no what you mean..believe me!

captain corky said...

Jackie: I'll definitely pick your brain for tips.

James: You lucky bastard!

Life: I did miss you and Welcome back!

Yasamin: I get a real bad case of blue balls every time I think about Direct TV for more than 5 minutes. Allyson got me the Animated series for Christmas.

Michael: I hear ya man. But your season is much longer so at least it's you don't have to go too long.