Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Learn All That Is Learnable


This is the time of the year when I usually start turning my attention back towards television. For the last 6 months or so our main focus has been on Max, and Pro Football. Now there are only two weeks left in the season, and Max is at an age where he can truly start to appreciate all of the wonderful magic that television has to offer, it's time to start teaching him everything I know.

Tentative Weekday Schedule:

8:00 to 8:15: Max will drink his bottle.

8:15 to 9:00: Since breakfast is considered to be the most important meal of the day, it's only fitting that we watch Star Trek at this time. Max will learn about diversity, problem solving (thinking outside the box) hope, and he will learn to place his trust in humankind...

9:00 to 9:30: To better help Max understand the nature of my relationship with Allyson this is where we will watch the Honeymooners. There are about four or five shows on CBS that are all, The Honeymooners. I'm talking about The King of Queens and all those other cheap Charley Sheen ripoffs of Gleason's finest work, but we'll stick to the original, thanks.

9:30 to 10:30: Nap.

10:30 to 10:45: Cereal and fruit. Coffee for Corky.

10:45 to 11:15: Friends have always been very important to me, and I consider my closest friends to be part of my family. Max will learn how to form lasting friendships and integrate friends with family from Happy Days. I don't trust people who separate friends from family, and it's been my experience that people who do are mutts. A mutt is dog with no heart according to Calogero Anello from a Bronx Tale.

11:15 to 12:00: A lot of people and this country place a great deal of emphasis on work. I don't know that I completely agree with work, but because I have to keep the heat on in the house I do it. We will alternate between the A-Team and Justice League Unlimited to learn about working with people you don't necessarily get along with.

12:oo to 1:00: Morality is a big issue here in this world. I think the Twilight Zone does a fine job of tackling morality. Plus, nothing wrong with a little mind fuck to make things interesting.

1:00 to 1:15: Milk.

1:15 to 1:45: "Cleanliness is next to Godliness" or something like that, Of all the neurotics who clean on television, Felix Unger is the best of the best. He will teach Max how to clean up after himself, and keep a clean house.

1:45 to 7:00: Max will be with either his Mother or Grandmother. This is where he'll learn to smoke, curse and play Craps.

7:oo: to 7:15: Dinner.

7:15 to 8:00: At the end of the day Max has to learn about redemption. He's not quite ready for Star Wars yet, so we'll watch Highway to Heaven for now.

8:00 to 8:30: Bedtime ritual. Milk.

Please Note: Weekends are family time, and that's when we'll be watching Bonanza. Obviously when I say family I mean friends too.

Other shows that Captain Corky will be catching up on: Studio 60, The Office, Seinfeld, and Smallville just to name a few.





61 comments:

Melissa said...

With that busy schedule, when will Max have time to play with action figures and playmobile?

captain corky said...

After he memorizes every episode of Star Trek. Those other shows he can learn in time. ;)

Casdok said...

Being a Star Trek fan i know how much it has to offer! Glad that Max is exposed to this so young! He will go far!

Leighann said...

You should start your own school!

Sunshine said...

Remember the little people when you get that parenting book deal and end up on Oprah and Today.

We give the kids a healthy dose of Twilight Zone here too.

furiousBall said...

This is what they do in those Montessori schools isn't it?

erika said...

that is an excellent schedule! very well-rounded your son will be :) also glad to see studio 60 made it into the mix

Jay said...

Dude that's a pretty tight schedule. Are you sure you're not just preparing him for military school?

I guess when he hits the one year mark he'll be old enough to stay up til 2 am watching the NFL Network and learn how to dissect game film.

Burfica said...

you need to get him a little starfleet outfit.

Emmeline said...

I am so glad to hear he's getting such a well-rounded, wholesome upbringing. Good for you. There aren't enough parents in the world today who value the lessons we can learn from TV. You know, he can learn all about trust and loyalty (and how to communicate with a dog) from Lassie!

Em

katy said...

ok then i need to book my a month or two over at yours, i need this routine too please

ALF said...

that is quite a detailed schedule!

Real Live Lesbian said...

I'm so glad you're aren't in charge of my schedule!

I'm such the squanderer of time.

Christie said...

Glad you have a plan. I really hope this writers strike ends soon. I am sick to death of reruns.

Metal Mark said...

What? I figured this would be a huge rant about how the Colts blew it on Sunday.

Big Pissy said...

This schedule leaves no time for blogging, you do realize that, right?

Canadian flake said...

Well I am glad you have your priorities right at least...Star Trek should always come first in Max's education...lol

Patti said...

Ahh....Studio 60...how I miss it. Now I'm a little sad. :)

Ashley said...

So, do you watch reruns of Studio 60 since it got cancelled?

I grew up on Happy Days and I turned out so well. My mom would tell you to keep Max away from Woody Woodpecker. Unnecessary violence, in her opinion.

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

That's quite an education you're giving the lad!

I think the Twilight Zone should be shown in school.

The Lone Beader said...

It's good to have a schedule. I wish I had one of those...

Gina said...

Duuuude, do not even waste your time with Studio 60! It's gone! Kaput!

Now listen, I can't remember if you watch Battlestar Galactica, but if you don't YOU MUST. THAT IS AN ORDER.

DJ Kirkby said...

You lead such a hectic life...

captain corky said...

Casdok: I feel that It's my parental obligation to make sure that Max eats, sleeps, gets plenty of love, and watches Star Trek!

Leighann: I wonder if Mr. Belding would be interested in becoming the principal, but fuck Screech.

Sunshine: I would never forget you guys, plus by boasting about my blog on Oprah, I'll also be sending readers your way. ;)

Furiousball: That and other creepy things that I don't want to think about.

Erika: Don't tell Allyson, but I kind of like Studio 60. They did a good job of de-Friending Matthew Perry. For the most part anyways.

captain corky said...

Jay: No military school. Just home schooling in TV Land. I hope the Beaver's teachers are still alive.

Burfica: It's on my list, trust me. ;)

Emmeline: Good point! But I could never get him a Collie cause they shed to much.

Katy: Maybe we'll open up a rehab one day... I have to get some more televisions first. ;)

Alf: We do our best not to forget any details. ;)

captain corky said...

Real Live Lesbian: Time is of the essence. There's still so much TV I haven't watched yet.

Christie: Me too. Although there are very few new shows that I actually watch. I am a big fan of the Big Bang Theory. It's really funny.

Metal Mark: They don't deserve it. That loss was pitiful. I'm too mad to vent.

Pissy: I'm gonna have to cut out either sleeping or working, but I'll make time to blog. ;)

Canadian Flake: Priorities are very important. Any suggestions on what show I should use to teach Max about prioritizing?

captain corky said...

Patti: I'm on episode 7 or 8. I'll definitely like it, and it's a shame it was canceled.

Ashley: Our friend Erika got it for Christmas and left it here so we could watch it.

Happy Days is the shit!

Whim: I agree. I think they should show it in churches and temples too. ;)

Beader: Kids have a way of putting you on a schedule. So does my wife. ;)

Gina: We have the DVD's here and it's pretty good. Battlestar is on our list and this is probably just the year to make it happen!

captain corky said...

DJ Kirkby: I know, but I make it work. DVR helps out a lot. ;)

Dana said...

Corky, I am so humbled by your parenting greatness! Where were you when I was trying to figure it all out with my first child? Wait! Don't answer that - I think you could have been my first child!

Tod said...

What about Laverne & Shirley?

nikki said...

Because you know, the life lessons provided from Smallville are of the utmost importance. You must hide your secret powers from the likes of Lex.

Penelope Anne said...

Now as a concerned Trekkie here which version of Star Trek are we talking? Or will you make sure he has a sampling from all???
You are never too young for Star Wars, my kids were demented with it from birth...and now they are so hooked it sucks.
Bonanza?????? No, don't do it...please, try to find the original Wild, Wild West or Black Sheep Squadron.
And you need some Ma & Pa Kettle movies in the mix.

Crashdummie said...

so I should blame my mother and grandmother that I never learned to smoke, curse and play Craps....

d'oh!

neroli said...

Dear Captain, just as I was reworking my classroom schedule for say, the fifth time in 10 or so days, I come to visit, and find you've already done the work for me :)
Beauty!
You and Max are all right.

TheBirdman33 said...

I guess Uncle Birdman will have to teach him about comedies....South Park, Family Guy and Friends are all my department.

Princess Pointful said...

Well, you certainly have strong morals, Hollywoodized or not...

kat said...

I think it is a fine routine to get him established with. And once he has seen all the episodes of your favorite shows, we can start him on Marvel Comic characters.

Then he will truly be well-rounded and worldy-wise.

Doc said...

We have the exact same play mat for our son Patrick !!

Oh - I am glad I found your blog...

captain corky said...

Dana: I think you might be surprised out how old I am. ;)

Tod: It's just a matter of time. After all, he's gotta learn to sing like Carmine, The Big Ragoo!

Nikki: Exactly. If it weren't for Pa Kent, who know how many liquor stores I would have knocked over today. ;)

Penelope Anne: Original and then Next Generation. Maybe a little DS9 sprinkled in for good measure.

Crashdummie: Exactly! ;)

captain corky said...

Neroli: That's what I'm here for Neroli. ;)

Birdman: South Park and Family Guy, yes. Friends... not so much. ;)

Princess: Without Hollywood I wouldn't know nothing. ;)

Kat: Exactly! First TV and then Comic Books. What else could anyone ask for? ;)

Doc: Welcome Aboard!

Tod said...

Hey Corky, I came by your blog this morning, UK time and there you were on your web cam having a one sided chat with somebody while you dangled Max on your knee. I felt like I was eavedropiing on your conversation and it totally freaked me out so I fled. Lol!

fiwa said...

What are you going to do if he rebels and wants to watch something like Silver Spoons? You have to be thinking about these kinds of things NOW, to avert the crisis when it happens. Just sayin'.

captain corky said...

Tod: I was wondering if anyone came by Feel free to chat with me anytime I'm dangling Max on my knee. I don't know if I'm going to keep the cam up on the log or not, but I kind of like it, and am looking forward to getting on there when I'm drunk. LOL!

captain corky said...

Fiwa: The only way we'll watch Silver Spoons is if we hit the Powerball. He'll have to learn how to stay grounded with all that money from some where. ;)

Aunt Jackie said...

I'm with Jay!! Tight Schedule... wow, you really keep it in line!! My kinda man! :P

Guilty Secret said...

Excellent syllabus, well done :)

eric1313 said...

Damn, that's a busy day!

Soon, the Max will be ready for Star Wars, considering I was four when I first saw it--and loved it, obviously!

Glad to make it by again. I've been busy as hell, but hey, gotta pay the bills somehow.

Josie said...

What?? No Larry King Live?? The King of the Universe??

Why do I hear people talking in the background on your blog as I'm typing this? That's just weird.

CRUSTYBEEF said...

when will you find time for ESPN???
Have a wonderful weekend to you guys!
Sincerely,
Elizabeth

Palm Springs Savant said...

seems like a good schedule Corky...I too tend to return to tv again now that the holidays are over. Aside form American Idol, get sucked back into the whole CSI Cold Case, Law & Order, nonsense. Is it my imagination or are they on 24 hours a day?

Cheryl said...

I never realized how much you could learn from TV. I'm going it have to start watching more. Gotta keep that brain active.

Did you ever think your life would revolve around your child?

Biddie said...

So, I'm wondering..When will Maz learn about V ? Any of them..the mini series, the movie, whatever? I like the idea of Happy Days being on the schedule. Do you have Laverne and Shirley penciled in there somewhere?

HAR said...

Don't forget Little House On The Prairie. Every six monyh old should learn how to deal with the likes of Nellie and Willie.

gawilli said...

Looks like you've covered all your bases. Football season lust its luster when the Colts lost. On to bigger and better things.

DJ Kirkby said...

Hi CC,
Come over to my blog on Monday and help me celebrate the reults of my autism assesment.

dawn said...

he needs to schedule time to watch the golddiggers on rock of love 2 on sunday nights, so he can truly appreciate a nice amish girl.

Lady K said...

Thinkin' about ya! Will check in when I can. Mean it!

Professor J said...

I'm putting in a vote for Battlestar Galactica, too.

NannyOgg said...

Love it! I should start parenting like that, my kids would learn so much!

Karen

jAMiE said...

I am a Seinfeld fan...have a favourite episode? How about a post on that?

Nice schedule...very well rounded..way to go dad!

Pink said...

You only watch nichelodeon or something?