Monday, April 14, 2008

Bottle Cap



Last week was kind of rough...

In the beginning of the week my wife asked me to pick up some toilet paper because we we ran out of our usual brand of Cottenelle, unexpectedly.

So instead of going a couple of extra miles down the road to the supermarket, I took the easy way out and stopped off at the local convenience store. I wound up getting suckered into buying two packs of Charmin Ultra Strong because it was on sale. Something like 2 packs for 4 bucks.

Charmin Ultra Strong really is ultra strong. Unfortunately, my ass is not a piece of wood and the edges of my ass do not have to be sanded down smoothly after I have a bowel movement.

In the long run, I think buying Ultra Strong would save us a good deal of money, but the comfort of my ass is just too important to start pinching pennies over toilet paper.

Later in the week or maybe the same night, I had another major mind fuck...

I bought 2 bottles of coke for 2 bucks at the same convenient store. One of the bottles had the proper traditional top: red, about an inch long, lines on the side, good gripping action etc. But the other bottle had this new cheesy trendy bottle cap design and was only half as long. I didn't discover the atrocity until I was sitting at home on my couch, getting ready to watch a week worth of Tivoed, Happy Days episodes with a nice cold icy coke to enjoy.

Do you understand how emotionally devastating this is to me? I'm one of those guy's that likes to put the cap back on the soda bottle after I'm done taking a sip and sometimes I even like to run my fingernails or tongue along the ridges. Shit, sometimes when I'm done with the soda I even chew on the cap. Can't do that with the new shitty wanna-be bottle cap. Too easy to choke and there's no enjoyment or satisfaction in taking off the cap and putting it back on.

And of course, it rained all week long so I still haven't been able to mow the lawn. Even when it wasn't raining outside, it was.

So let's have a much better week, gang! I have a feeling the Sun's going to come out, tomorrow.

61 comments:

Ginormous Boobs said...

I pray that God gives you the strength to get through the trials of the upcoming week.

Tod said...

You should have known by the evil glee on that guy's face that you was gonna get your arse sand papered.

The Lone Beader said...

i haven't drank soda in years!

katie said...

oh, Corky! HOw did you even pull thru that? You give me hope, my friend. Whenever I wanna bitch about life's little inconveniences i will remember your post here and how your soldiered on despite devastating circumstances. You're my hero, man. :)

You have a great week! sending you lot's o'sunshine!

katie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mad Hatter said...

Next time use Scott's, it feels better, try Pepsi taste better.

Dana said...

Why am I feeling a need to belt out, "The sun will come out ... tomoroow ... bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow ... there'll be sun"?

Guilty Secret said...

Truly, truly an atrocity if ever I heard one.

*cry*

abbagirl74 said...

Well, that totally bites. How's Max doing?

Biscuit said...

Oh man, toilet paper woes! We ended up with cheap Cosco tp, and it disentigrates when it gets wet. Do you know what this means for girls? It means you get little bits of tp stuck to your girly bits. NOT fun!

Jay said...

Man, I had no idea you were having such a tough week dude. I'm impressed that you made it through all of that without going postal on anyone.

furiousBall said...

Again I had this kick ass witty comment and then ginormous boobs icon up there emptied my mind.

katy said...

I hate a bit of rough an all!
how dare they change the bottle tops, think you should boycaot them and stick to the real drink BUD!

Leighann said...

The devil giggles everytime someone wipes with Charmine Ultra Strong!

But I think it's obvious you're into pain considering you drink Coke *gag*

Knight said...

I too was mortified by the bottle cap change on Coca-Cola. I don't often drink soda so I didn't know if it was a recent thing. I don't mind changes in the shape of the bottle or even the taste of the actual product for that matter. The caps though, they were important. They have to have ridges or there isn't any point.

Burfica said...

If you would have paid attention to my one post a while back CHARMIN SUCKS!!!!

Bummer on the coke bottle thing. I hate when they mess with something you are used too.

Leslie said...

tomorrow

fiwa said...

Dude, I have no sympathy on the TP thing. We HAVE to use Scott or our toilet backs up. I haven't see the coke cap thing - Imma have to go look now.

Bummer week, hope this week is better.

lovins,
fiwa

Big Pissy said...

awwwww...bless your heart....

a sore ass from rough toilet paper AND the atrocity of a new bottle cap design?!?!?

that's just not right...

Sassy Mama Bear said...

Hey my new theme song..."Here Comes the Sun"
We got to find the soft TP, and the joy of life somewhere.

Farmer*swife said...

I disagree about Pepsi. Coke is the more consumable product in our household (well, Diet Coke, and Diet Sprite/Sprite Zero).

Screw the cap, just pour it over some ice and bourbon (did I spell that right?)

Cottenelle is a nice quality and reasonably priced TP. And, it has the box tops for education so we earn monies for the kids school! ;)

Tequila Mockingbird said...

your first mistake was drinking a coke. now, CAPTAIN and coke is acceptable.. but just a coke? wtf...

i say, pour that shit in a glass, add some booze and you wont have any of your trivial coke bottle problems.

Mike Golch said...

thanks for showing Mr.Whipple.may he rest in peace.

youarekiddingme said...

I hope this teaches you to never stray from the Cottonelle, even when other's are on sale!

Jerrster said...

trust me...we could spare you some Sun and about 20 degrees we really don't need.

marykay said...

Didn't coke learn when they tried to change the formula years ago, if it ain't broke don't fix it? Charmin, what were you thinking;)

whimsical brainpan said...

Poor thing! I can recommend a good therapist.

I hope this week is better and brighter for you.

VE said...

I know exactly what you mean. I have a stack of caps right here. Nice vintage thread too. That's why I gotta go with Pepsi...they don't mess with that!

RockDog said...

Ass comfort is definitely a priority in life!

Cheryl said...

Cottenelle or bust. Charmin's too fuzzy for my sensitive 'self'. Interesting about the cap. I had no idea.

Ashley said...

I hope you will be able to persevere through all of this. I think the more disturbing idea is that one of the sodas was old and one is new. Did one taste stale?

TheBirdman33 said...

Yeah, the new coke caps, do lick balls and I don't even EAT THEM like you do.

Um, you have baby wipes in the house...how much more pampering can your ass get?!?

Theresa said...

Now that you're wisened to the importance of quality toilet paper, some day you'll be able to pass this valuable lesson on to young Max so his sweet little bum doesn't ever have to suffer!

katy said...

just want to let you know that I am taking a break for a while, hope to be back, till then byeeeeeeeeeeee x

Pink said...

goodness...how do you cope?

xx
pinks

captain corky said...

Ginormous Boobs: Thank you. So far I've been able to get out of bed and go to work so it's been a good week.

Tod: When will I ever learn? I should have consulted Consumer Reports.

Beader: Smart girl. Still, a good cook can almost be as enjoyable as a shitty beer. Almost.

Katie: That's what my blog is all about, hope. I'm glad you have found some. ;)

Mad Hatter: I don't mind Pepsi, but I think I've been brainwashed by Coke. Do you have a blog?

captain corky said...

Dana: I'd like to hear that. Maybe for your first vlog? ;)

Guilty: I try not to use big words like atrocity, cause I don't want people to think I'm pretentious, but sometimes I simply have no choice. ;)

Abbagirl: He's doing good. I will have a new vid up of him soon.

Biscuit: That does not sound like fun at all. Shitty toilet paper should be made unconstitutional!

Jay: I think a lot of that had to do with Ginormous praying for me. Prayer goes a long way my friend.

captain corky said...

Furiousball: She's a very spiritual girl. I've learned to love god through her.

Katy: If Bud ever changed their bottle... I don't know what I would do.

Leighann: Are you kidding? Coke is the choice of the new generation and shit.. ;)

Knight: Yeah, the new caps suck big time! Coke still tastes great though.

Leslie: Fun movie! I have no interest in seeing the newer one.

captain corky said...

Fiwa: So far this week has been grand. I'm a little tired though and it's only Tuesday.

Big Pissy: Life just isn't fair sometimes. ;)

Sassy: Yes, it all starts with soft toilet paper!

Farmer*swife: I aint no amateur, I drink my booze straight! Like a real cowboy does. ;)

Tequila: Great advise! Next time I will go to the liquor store and buy me some vodka instead!

captain corky said...

Mike: He was a great man.

Youarekiddingme: I've learned my lesson. I'm a changed man. ;)

Jerrster: I think the weather is about to break for good. Here comes the blasted Sun!

Marykay: I don't know if I'll ever live down the Charmin fiasco. And don't worry. It's Bounty or bust for my paper towel needs. ;)

Whim: I think I could use one. I don't seem to be doing such a good job on myself. ;)

captain corky said...

Ve: I'm just going to have to recycle the one and only cap I have at home. Maybe I'll go, Downtown to buy my coke. Things are much better when I'm Downtown.

Rockdog: Yes it is. A person that doesn't value the comfort of his or her own ass scare me.

Cheryl: Allyson is not very fond of Charmin's design.

Ashley: No, they were both quite refreshing and my teeth were nice and sparkly afterwards. ;)

Birdman: True. I have snuck one or two of them. My ass feels so clean after using one or two of them.

captain corky said...

Theresa: If I'm only able to teach Max one thing, it will be proper maintenance of his ass. ;)

Katy: Take care. I hope to see you soon.

Pink: It aint eazy being Corky. ;)

Patti said...

I feel bad about your chafed ass and your trials with the bottle caps and all...but let's get to the really important stuff. The day after your post, the sun actually DID come out in Michigan. You wield crazy power, my friend...one day it's snowing and 32 and then you post about how you feel that the sun will come out and POOF!

I'd like to request that in your next post, you have a feeling that my tax money is coming in "tomorrow"....thanks and smooches. :-)

Canadian flake said...

tiolet paper and coke...welllll oh well what a combo..lmao.

Ashley Ladd said...

I think I'll avoid Charmin Ultra Strength. It doesn't sound like much fun. Yikes!

Princess Pointful said...

I love that a grown man still worries about choking hazards... for himself!

Christie said...

We are going to get snow here in Seattle by Friday. Snow in April. What is going on? I bet it is all that Aquanet hairspray us girls used to cake ourselves with.

Portia said...

Yeah, we're picky about the TP at our house, some things are just worth the money. I hope you've seen the sun by now:)

Lady K said...

LOL Dude, you had me at Mr. Whipple...do NOT even talk to me about bowel movements after what I've been through. GOD you crack me UP.

Joshua said...

Yeah cheap TP sucks!

But I never seen the bottle caps you talk of. The only caps that I see here are the pop off (not twist off) of my beer bottles.

Real Live Lesbian said...

Bless your heart! Being you is TOUGH!;)

The sun's out here! Hope yours is out up there in KY!

Cazzie!!! said...

LOL, your ass is not a piece of wood, no shit Sherlock, lmao, no punn intended..of course :)

DJ Kirkby said...

Man you've got it rough! All that AND rain too? I don't know how you cope, really I don't...Raing here too but that's not going to come as a surprise when I live in the only country in the world that grows mouldy roses!

Aunt Jackie said...

At work they have that super-thin, inhumane type toilet paper and I always wondered if they think they are saving money on it. You know that if someone has to use it they use triple the amount to make up for it, and then it is still horrible.

At home Mr. J demands those softest "quilted" kind, with Aloe. :)

ALF said...

Bad toilet paper is a real day ruiner.

pilgrimchick said...

I'll make a note about Charmin. No wonder the company features bears in their commercials.

HAR said...

WHy are all of these companies always screwing around with a good thing?
Water bottles are another thing that drive me crazy. The caps came off fine in the past. Now they are practically glued on. How am I supposed to deal with that?

CRUSTYBEEF said...

here's to a week of soft ass wipes and fizzy lifting drinks that never lose carbonation. :)

Always,
Elizabeth

Palm Springs Savant said...

Corky you are a friggin riot! We usually buy Costco tp these days, its pretty good, but it comes in a bundle of like 5,000 rolls, so you need a semi to bring it home.

funny about the Coke cap- I used to chew onthe cap and do the tongue-ridges thing too!

TheBirdman33 said...

Remember back in the day, when you used to post and stuff?

GO0D TIMES

bonnie said...

ditto. waaah.