Monday, April 07, 2008

Sloth


It rained a few days last week and for a couple of seconds there, I thought the Apocalypse was coming. So I've been extremely busy, repenting.

Yesterday and today are supposed to be two of the best days of the year weather wise. When I went outside for a brief second yesterday, I noticed that the grass was really green. Which means that it's going to grow and I'm going to have to cut it. Fuck.

I hate mowing the lawn and haven't done it in over 20 years. It's just not my thing.

Interestingly enough, my friend Erika's sister gave me a lawn mover a couple of weeks ago. This means that I'm going to have to cut my own grass (partially out of guilt). Don't get me wrong, it was a really nice gift, but... It's just not my thing.

Maybe I'll be able to rustle me up a good crack head that will do it for like, 20 bucks. That would be sweet. But somehow I don't think Allyson would be very thrilled about a crackhead loitering about on our lawn.

Don't worry, I'll think of something. Somebody on TV must have faced a similar dilemma at some point. Maybe Mike Seaver or Theodore Cleaver...

Anyway, I hope everyone had a brilliant weekend.






73 comments:

Casdok said...

My mother is a botanist, so her excuse for not mowing the lawn is she is creating a sanctuary for wildlife!

Dana said...

In the interest of blogger friendship I offer two solutions:

(1) Move to Chicago! Our grass isn't even close to getting green - lawn mowing season is usually mid-May through
september - much shorter than the rest of the country.

(2) Buy a lawn tractor and be sure to get one with the MP3 adaptor and cup (read BEER) holder. Mowing the lawn takes on a whole new meaning!

Leighann said...

Sounds to me like Allyson needs to lighten up!

:p

The Lone Beader said...

I have never mowed the lawn because I don't have on... Good luck finding a crack head to do it for you! LOL. :D

katie said...

God, there is nothing better than a crackhead mowing the lawn. In fact i will ONLY hire crackheads to do our lawn. It's a prerequisite. You don't smoke crack, you don't mow my lawn. simple as that. I know i sound like a picky
bee-otch, Corky, but I gotta have standards, damnit! :)

Hope you had a great weekend!

Jay said...

Surely you can find some illegal immigrant to mow for like $10 bucks. If he complains about the low pay just threaten to turn him in to the INS!

Also, tell him he can use your mower, but he has to supply his own gas. Then in the fall withhold his final $10 and tell him it's to pay for the wear and tear on your lawn mower.

erika said...

hey man, i just gave it to you, never said you had to use it :)
it could make a nice planter - of course then you'd have to call yourself a gardener...

ALF said...

You should do what my husband just did - go buy a riding mower...

fiwa said...

Go the crack head route. If Allyson complains tell her she's free to mow the lawn. It sounds harsh, but you gotta get this thing straightened out right from the start. Mowing the lawn SUCKS, and you should never, under any circumstances, do it yourself.

Burfica said...

hey it could be worse, it could be one of those push manual mowers. hehehehehe

Knight said...

Don't you have any under age neighbor kids that are too young to get a real job?
When my mom caught my brother coming home drunk she would force him up at seven in the morning and make him mow the lawn. I always thought that was a bad idea because he would keep throwing up all over the yard.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

oh hey, if you cant find a crackhead to do it, get a homeless person. you only hafta pay them in sweet hobo wine (i.e. franzia) or some malt liquor.

Tod said...

You could always just torch it.

Ginormous Boobs said...

It's never too early to start training the kid to do that stuff.

Chris H said...

I hate mowing lawns too... this is why I married a bloke! And had sons, lots of them! If you hate the lawn that much, I suggest weed killer... and just have dirt!

Chris H said...

Or concrete... paint it green!

Chris H said...

I wasn't very helpful was I? ah, make my day. LOL

Chris H said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
gawilli said...

There's a whole slew of kids here that literally harass us to cut the lawn. Maybe I should send one of them down your way!

Patti said...

I feel your pain. Today we had a beautiful day and I thought, "I should rake my lawn..." and then, after about 30 minutes and three blisters, I thought, "What the hell am I doing?" and quit. I hope you don't lose your head like that. Down with yardwork.

RockDog said...

Mowing the lawn??? I thought you were married? Your job is to drink beer and watch porn.

Must I tell you everything!

LOL

leslie said...

Goats.

mjd said...

Thanks, our weekend was lovely. One good thing about rain is that you do not have to mow when it is raining. Of course, you have pinpointed the bad thing. Rain makes the grass grow faster, and then, mowing is required.

Oh, I think that you are in, but a little repenting is good for all of us.

eugne mills said...

as soon as they let me out, i'll be there to mow on work release for a 40 and enough to buy a few rocks.

Biddie said...

We have all kinds of kids that bang on our door looking to mow lawns. Mind you, MY kids are never among them.....

TheBirdman33 said...

You got lucky because your front lawn at your parents house was a forest and your back yard was full of broken boards...no lawn to mow.

Lucky bastard.

DJ Kirkby said...

Chopper moved our lawn on Thursday and we had snow on Sunday! SNOW!!!!! It hasn't snowed enough to stick on the ground for 10 years where we live in England!

Crashdummie said...

or you can simply get a gardner.
But be careful, dont get to weird and say something like "trim my bushes" ok...

captain corky said...

Casdok: I'm going to have to remember all of these so I can use them. ;)

Dana: Both great suggestion. I need to start being more proactive. ;)

Leighann: LOL! I Everyone should have a crackhead in their employ.

Beader: This is the first one I've had in a very long time.

Katie: "You don't smoke crack, you don't mow my lawn."

LOL! I like that. A lot.

Jay: LOL! And as he's leaving I'll spit on him and then tell him to come back next week.

captain corky said...

Erika: It's looking more and more like that mover's going to see a lot of action this Summer from me. ;)

Alf: All men should own a riding mower. I just don't know if I have enough lawn to justify it. ;)

Fiwa: It does suck, but I've heard a rumor about how good beer is after you finish mowing a lawn so at least there's that... ;)

Burfica: Or even worse than that, a pair of scissors. ;)

Knight: That doesn't sound like fun at all. I remember something similar happening at my house but the memory is too painful to completely recall. ;)

captain corky said...

Tequila Mockingbird: The thing that would worry me the most about that is I would wind up drinking with the hobo. I love ghetto wine. Richard's Wild Irish Rose, that's the good stuff.

Tod: I though about pulling the old, I'm going to re-sod the lawn routine. ;)

Ginormous Boobs: Very good point! 9 months is just the right age. I might as well start teaching him to fetch me beers too. ;)

Chris H: Concrete is a great idea! I'll have the classiest looking joint in the neighborhood. ;)

Gawilli: Yes, please do! And make sure he brings a weed whacker, and hedge clippers. ;)

captain corky said...

Patti: I try to avoid as much sunlight and fresh air as possible. I know how intoxicating they can be. ;)

Rockdog: When will I ever learn... ;)

Leslie: Brilliant Idea! Max would like that too.

MJD: The rain was gone for a few days, but I have a feeling it's going to be back before we know it.

Eugne Mills: I still say you were framed!

captain corky said...

Biddie: LOL! I knew you raised your kids right!

Birdman: Do you think Allyson would fall for, " those weeds look beautiful, deer."

DJ Kirkby: It's been a crazy winter! Is it gone yet?

Crashie: Me... weird? Never. ;)

Guilty Secret said...

"Somebody on TV must have faced a similar dilemma at some point."

- Corky, you're a genius! You should be writing that TV!

Gina said...

Over here in the desert, people like to get little green pebbles, glue them together, and make themselves a concrete lawn.

Wouldn't be so good for Max's tender little toes, though.

whimsical brainpan said...

I know! Buy a goat, sheep or some other grazing animal.

katy said...

you could always splash out on some artificial grass, failing that i would love to come and cut your grass, for free too, oh just my flights but think of the fun we could have!

Blancodeviosa said...

send some this way boogerface! we're on red flag alert ;(

Blancodeviosa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ashley Ladd said...

I actually know the answer WHY to your dilemma. It seems that people named Keith hate to mow the lawn. My son Keith does everything in his power to get out of it and push it off to the next day...and then the next...and the next... Well, you get the picture.

Maybe we need lawn mowing robots, but then I get nightmares like The Terminator and I Robot...

Mike Golch said...

I don't like mowing the lawn either,and I don't have to.my owners association takes care of that for me.That is one of the perks of liveing in a condo.

dilling said...

i have to say, the crack hookers here in my neighbourhood do much "dirtier" work for less than 20 dollars...don't overspend.

captain corky said...

Guilty: I've been trying to tell that to people for years! ;)

Gina: Yeah, It would be kind of hard to teach Max how to slide into a base on concrete. ;)

Whim: Maybe I'll get me a whole slew of goats. How many goats come in a slew? ;)

Katy: I'll even bring you a beer when you're done. ;)

Blancodeviosa: I just love the pet names you come up for me. ;)

captain corky said...

Ashley Ladd: Keith and Lawnmowers definitely don't go together. Keith's like to sit on the couch and watch good TV. ;)

Mike Golch: I miss having a landlord... Used to be when I had a problem I would just call, Larry. Now I have to either do it myself, or pay someone an obscene amount of money to fix stuff for me.

Dilling: I may have to import some of them to do yard work for me. ;)

Biscuit said...

I am one of those freaks who likes to mow the lawn. I like making those lines that show my progress. It's instant positive reinforcement :)

Mad Hatter said...

you can get some (glyphosate) Round Up and kill everything, then spray paint the dead grass green.

Farmer*swife said...

I actually like mowing the lawn. But, then I also really enjoy cleaning my floors. It might be possible that I have a ground fetish....hmmmmm...

If I lived close enough? I'd mow your lawn but I'd probably charge $25 (depending on the size of the lawn) and you'd have to provide the fuel. I could bring my own lawn mower though?

(Hey, I just realized you said she gave you a law mover! Just "move" your lawn to someone else's place then and -- whala! Problem solved!)

Happy Wednesday!

CRUSTYBEEF said...

ONly you can make a topic of "lawn mowing" -an art!
FABULOUS!

only you!

happy Humpday!

Always,
Elizabeth

Jerrster said...

Corkster...my advice is always go to the Cleavers for those sorts of situations....Eddie Haskall was just like a weasely crack head

Jerrster said...

btw....a new reality show on my blog...you won't want to miss. ha!

adam brown said...

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Ashley Ladd said...

I'm glad the Apocalypse didn't happen. Other than an hour or so of drizzling rain while I was still in work, the weather's been beautiful. It's the perfect temperature.

Lady K said...

I swear SWEAR, if you flew me up there once a week, I would do it. I LOVE to cut the grass. I mean it. . .

What's there to cut down here? Cacti? Rattlesnakes? LOL

Seriously. I would LOVE it.

Portia said...

Got any kids in the neighborhood? They will sometimes do it for $10 plus the added benefit of building character...or did that go with the 80s too?

VE said...

Do what my entire neighborhood already does...hire illegal aliens to do it

Christie said...

I was shocked that my across the street neighbor mowed not just his lawn, but both my neighbors and mine. Without asking. He just did it to be nice.

Is putting out too big of a thank you? Not me, but my husband. I don't mow the damn lawn.

youarekiddingme said...

My husband is planning to initiate Monkey Man with the lawn mower upon entrance into kindergarten.
Another safer idea - we paid landscapers who were doing the neighbor's lawn $20 to do ours when they were done. They got to pocket the money so it was a win win!

mjd said...

We are having some of that torrential downpour this evening. Maybe repenting is not such a bad idea.

Theresa said...

I empathize with your lawn mowing dilema. I got divorced this year. Now I have to mow the lawn every week. I should have thought about that before I signed the papers.
Damn!

Good to see you again. I have about 8 months of your blog posts to catch up on. Will there be a quiz?

Jahooni said...

crackheads mow? are they in the yellow pages? ;)~

captain corky said...

Biscuit: I think I may have to break down and cut the grass this weekend. It's getting kind of long, but I won't like it. Not one bit. ;)

Mad Hatter: Not a bad idea at all. ;)

Welcome!

Farmer*swife: I don't mind cleaning floors or scrubbing toilets. It's just the damn lawn. ;)

Crusty: Thanks! I try my best. Sometimes. ;)

Jerrster: Eddie Haskall definitely had crack head tenancies.

captain corky said...

Adam: Thanks for stopping by. Hopefully you'll stop in again right before your next flight. I'll call you later, man.

Ashley Ladd: Yeah, I'm kind of glad too. I'm enjoying my life so far. ;)

Lady K: Maybe that's what I need to do... Move to a place where there's only sand like a beach or something. But then I would probably start bitching about sand in my house. ;)

Portia: Yeah, I think that's long gone.

VE: My neighborhood's not trendy enough to have illegal aliens working in it. Some live here though, I think.

captain corky said...

Christie: A case of beer might do the trick.

Youarekiddingme: LOL! I think I've lost this battle... ;)

MJD: Yeah, we got hit with some more stuff today. No power outages in my neck of the woods.

Theresa: Welcome back! Sorry no quiz, just a midterm and the final. ;)

Jahooni: Yes, right under liquor stores. ;)

KarmaLennon said...

Hmmm....trying to think of a t.v. show where that was an issue...but I just don't watch enough t.v. I'd go with the crackhead idea!

Peggy said...

Are you telling us that your nose is back to normal? You haven't said and I'm still very worried.

p.s. Mow the lawn and stop being a pussy about it.

Big Pissy said...

I WAS gonna leave a comment, but you've already got like 65....

DJ Kirkby said...

Ahem! Bored now...next post please?

Palm Springs Savant said...

I'm with you on the lawn thing. So we ripped it all out and went to "desert landscape", which has like zero maintenance. Of course, one major difference is that I actually do live in a desert so it looks normal.

Growing up I actually had a friend whose parents put FAKE GRASS in their yard, you know-like astroturf. Can you even imagine?

Heidi the Hick said...

Dude, that's why we have children! I know he's still very little, but it's never too soon to start teaching him how to do things. Start with the brainwashing. "Mowing the lawn is fun! That's why I pay the neighbour's kid to do it!"

See, I don't pay my kids to do housework. I don't get paid; neither do they. But I started paying neighbour kids a few years ago, and now I pay my own.

As for me, I'll mow my own lawn when I have so much that I have to use a tractor...

Aunt Jackie said...

Hope you and yours had a brill weekend too... Max is just growing like a weed! So cute.

Have a great week.

Cazzie!!! said...

Please send us the rain..please..we are still in need of it..oh blahh, the drought will break sometime soon..we hope.

Ashley said...

Seriously, you live in Kentucky. There has to be someone willing to mow that bad boy in exchange for a pack of cigarettes or something!

Canadian flake said...

omg you have grass??? actually GREEN grass??? wowwwwwwww

just keep reminding yourself ...better cutting grass than shoveling snow..lmao.