Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Perfect


I know that a lot of you have not had the opportunity to go out with me and get a cup of coffee at a diner, and I apologize for that.

But if you ever get a chance I suggest you jump at it, because I have a perfect face. And how often do you get a chance to look at a perfect face? I don't mean to boast, but it just happens to be true. My eyes are blue, my lips are perfectly shaped and just the right size, and quite frankly, my nose is a work of art.

I also happen to be a fantastic conversationalist and will spend hours telling you all about me, but that's a post for another time.

Last night when I was just waking up for work, my wife brought my son in to see me. I held his perfect face up to my perfect face and the unthinkable happened! Max wound up headbutting my work of art nose and before I could blink there was BLOOD everywhere. I couldn't believe how much I was bleeding. I carefully placed Jr to my side and called Allyson into the room to take him so I could clean up in the bathroom.

Please note: I'm one of those people who gets nosebleeds three or four times a year for no reason at all so my nose is pretty sensitive.
This morning I was looking in the mirror and my beautiful nose looked huge! It wasn't black or blue and there were no monstrous bumps, so I'm not sure if it's psychological, or really swollen, but I'm afraid to go back and look. What do I do if it's ruined forever? I could never adjust to life with perfect eyes, perfect lips and a big fucked up looking nose. God forbid I ever have to become one of those people who has to get though life on their personality.



61 comments:

Ginormous Man Boobs said...

The day you have to get through life on your sparkling personality you should just jump off a bride.

JK

But just think, now your big nose will match your big head.

Ow..sick burn!

Casdok said...

Lol!! I should think that has happened to most of us parents!

furiousBall said...

"I felt like destroying something beautiful." ~ Max or Tyler Durden

captain corky said...

Ginormous: Please change your pic back. A little part of me dies everytime I look at that horror. ;)

Casdok: I hope it doesn't happen to often. There will be nothing left of me. ;)

Furiousball: Max could take him!

fiwa said...

Aw - that just gives you character, you don't want to be TOO pretty. Now you got some bumps and scrapes, you'll look like a Clarke Gable, ruggedly handsome kind of guy. Max was just helping you out.

Happy anniversary, btw!
lovins,
fiwa

Chris H said...

Ha ha ha, can't remember how many times this has happened to either Stew or me! With 8 kids an all!!! I am sure your bloody perfect nose will be just fine mate..... but just to be on the safe side don't go looking in a mirror for a week or so!

Dana said...

As long as Max's little face is still perfect that's all that counts, right?? I said RIGHT???? Yes, that's what I thought!

Burfica said...

just don't go get a michael Jackson nose or I will have to hunt you down and head butt you again for good measure.

Tod said...

Lol! I'm not having dinner with you now.

Biddie said...

My perfect nose was changed forever when I was hit by a Gray Hound. Seriously. It's all lop sided now.
Mind you, I am still one hell of a converstaionalist :)

Peggy said...

If your nose doesn't go back down to it's normal perfect size, I'm not going to read this blog anymore.

Nancy said...

Bwahahahah ^5 Max!

As long as Max is OK .... it's funny.

Pink said...

God forbid, INDEED!! ;)
xx
pinks

Knight said...

Ha, great post. Very funny. I would love to meet you for a cup of coffee but only when you are perfect again. I will accept nothing less.

Jay said...

Maybe Ashley Simpson will give you the number to her plastic surgeon. He nose is pretty nice now.

Actually, you can just use that nose as a conversation piece over coffee with a fellow blogger.

whimsical brainpan said...

Just put some ice on it and keep it off it's feet and I'm sure your nose will be better in no time.

Biscuit said...

Well, dur, show us and we'll let you know how fucked up it is. And we'll be honest, too, because we know you appreciate that.

The Lone Beader said...

That musta hurt.

Pink Icing said...

Ahhh the battle scars of parenthood!

Jeez you ARE in the right country for perfect plastic surgery.....Michael Jackson, Bride of Wieldenstein, Jackie Stallone,Sly Stallone, Burt Reynolds, David Guest......

Did you know that your nose and ears continue to grow as you age? Except in America of course....!!!

DJ Kirkby said...

can't stop laughing...very funny post...not the fact you were injured I hasten to add, just everything else!

Terri said...

i think this happened to me for everyone of my three kids multiple times. It stings, you see stars and blood goes everywhere. Get used to it. I'm just saying. :o)

katie said...

corky-first of all we have identical cats. my Cat Chloe looks just like your pussy cat. i am not even lying. i would not kid about such a thing.

Let's get a cuppajoe but only after your nose goes back to it's perfect state again! i will not be seen with you until the swelling subsides! hehe. :)

You have a great day, Corkster!

Cheryl said...

Maybe Jr. was a little jealous, what with his dad being a little more perfect than him?

captain corky said...

Fiwa: It has been pretty hard living with all this perfectness. Maybe I'll enjoy being NORMAL. ;)

Chris H: Thanks for the advise. I have covered all the mirrors with sheets and now we wont know the state of my perfection until next Tuesday. ;) 8 Kids is very impressive! ;)

Dana: Right! ;)

Burfica: If that happens I'll deserve a good ass kicking or two. ;)

Tod: I knew it! My downfall has started already!

captain corky said...

Biddie: I guess there is life after a perfect nose! ;)

Peggy: It will... It just has to! ;)

Nancy: Max wasn't hurt at all and a couple of minutes later he was laughing at me. ;)

Pink: I hope I'm not damn unpretty now. ;)

Knight: If my nose does not revert to being perfect I'm sure the rest of my perfectness will over compensate and that will make me more perfect!

captain corky said...

Jay: As long as she doesn't give me singing lessons, I'll be ok. ;)

Whim: Ice! I knew there was something I could have done for my poor beloved nose. ;)

Biscuit: Of course I appreciate brutal honesty, but I could never show the world my unperfect nose. It wouldn't be fair. There are too many people out there counting on me to be perfect. ;)

Beader: Yeah, it was stinging a bit...

Pink Icing: I have a contract with my nose and ears that clearly states that there will be no growing and no funky random hair allowed to grow in, out, or around my perfect ears and nose!

nikki said...

My son head butted me 2 year ago and broke my nose. I had to have surgery. Thank god my kid is cute. It's his saving grace.

captain corky said...

DJ Kirkby: My pain is your pleasure. ;)

Terri: I wish they had told me about this in The What to Expect Almanac. ;)

Katie: I completely understand. You have a rep to protect and so do I. ;)

Cheryl: It's possible, but I doubt it cause Jr is perfect in every way too. ;)

Nikki: That's crazy! Now that I know about the possible danger, I think we're going to have to start wearing football helmets around the house. This should protect us adequately. ;)

Newt said...

Just think of it as adding character to your face. All that perfection needs a little something extra.

eric said...

my son has a wrecking ball for a head. that sucker was dangerous when he coudln't control it.

don't worry ... you've got plenty of personality to go on.

Tink said...

Hm. It's April Fools day, so your story is kind of fishy. I think you should post a picture as proof!

Ashley Ladd said...

Ouch! Hugs.

When I was six, I ran face first into a tree (freak bicycle accident) and broke my nose. I wore a cast all summer. Not fun.

leslie said...

The box on the floor next to Max says it's 'perfect' too. Geeeez.

katy said...

you are still perfect corky even if you got a big bloody nose!

Farmer*swife said...

From the picture I assumed "Jr." was posting...all perfection and all :)

Then, I laughed out loud!!!!

Ashley said...

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! You really got hit by a football, didn't you?

That sucks. I hope you puts some peas or steaks on it and the swelling, whether real or imagined, goes down.

Jahooni said...

Laughing at Jay.... *giggles*

Gosh, just wait until the little fella hits you in your balls and you win like $10,000 for the Funniest Video!

TheBirdman33 said...

I didn't know you had it so hard.
It must be tough being you.

Perhaps, you are already seeing some of that father/son rivalry and Max has already decided that there can only be one perfect face in the family!

captain corky said...

Newt: My nose is back to normal thank goodness, but when I woke up yesterday there was big ugly white head right under my left nostril. Good thing I'm not going to the prom this weekend. ;)

Eric: I never knew Max's head was so strong. I think he maybe ready to break bricks with it.

Tink: I assure you all of it's true. Especially the part about me having a perfect face. ;)

Ashley Ladd: Thanks! That doesn't sound like it was a fun Summer at all.

Leslie: LOL, I didn't even notice that.

captain corky said...

Katy: Thanks! My nose has had time to heal so all is right with the world. ;)

Farmer*swife: Jr's not quite ready to start blogging. Yet. ;)

Ashley: LOL, I thought about that episode when I was writing the post.

Jahooni: That would almost be worth it... ;)

Birdman: It is hard being me. Only the Lord truly can understand what I've gone through over the past couple of days.

Big Pissy said...

The most important thing is that Max is OK.

I still love you....ginormous nose and all. ;-)

ALF said...

The ginormous man boobs picture scared me. Now I can't remember what I was going to say.

VE said...

Hey, I hear even the Mona Lisa is deteriorating...

Dogberry said...

First time I have read your blog did not know which way it was going then bang litterally you made me burst out laughing....hope your snout gets better soon...

CRUSTYBEEF said...

I had a comment until I saw MBs..

yes, the headbutt..just wait, until.he.gets.you.in.your.important.parts.

that's a post that may not have the "I gently laid him down beside me.."

you're good..my hubby gets the occasional headbutt and if there's blood involved he'll jump outta whatever while holding whichever three of my sons did it to him, cry out in horror, jump up and down..
and i'll laugh.

The End.

Ps. I saw you on CSI..well, it looked like you..and I thought, 'Well look at that, Corky's gone all hollywood forensics on us!'

Always,
Crusty

Real Live Lesbian said...

I have to agree with that Ginormous Boobed girl.. and I quote:

"You should just jump off a bride."

Please, take a pic of that! ;0

gawilli said...

Speaking as someone who had to get through life on their personality, it's really not that bad. Although I don't think you have much to worry about!

Josie said...

LOL...! I get a headache and a nosebleed just thinking about it. It has happened to every parent.

Anyway, that's why God invented plastic surgery. But trust me, the swelling will go down and you can get along on your fantastic looks alone once more.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

that sucks. did you head butt the baby back? that's what i wouldve done. just kidding.

also, instead of going out for coffee, lets just go out for drinks. unless you have coffee with khaluha in it.

Emmeline said...

hahahahaha. good luck. I hope your nose goes back to normal size soon because god knows if you have to rely on your personality you won't make it! ;)

Em

(kidding)

Portia said...

sounds like it's probably just psychological;) i'm surprised with the two i've got i haven't encountered this one yet, though one does have an uncanny knack for scratching the hell out of an eyeball

Patti said...

Life is hard. Perfection is overrated. :-)

youarekiddingme said...

Max just wanted to make sure he remained cuter than you. The things kids do.

Palm Springs Savant said...

I really thought you should have chronicalized the headbut and bloody nose for the blog Corky. Seems like it had potential anyway.

Oh and btw- ginormous' pic scares me too.

HAR said...

I think you could get by on your personality. I'm just saying.

Aunt Jackie said...

One day maybe all my coffee-having dreams will come true...

CRUSTYBEEF said...

Saw all the bad weather near your area..I hope you and your family are safe!!

Always,
Elizabeth

Ashley Ladd said...

If you're ever in the area, we'll have to grab a drink. Only I don't do coffee.

Perfect face aside, you have a great personality.

Cazzie!!! said...

My Nicholas gets those darstedly nosebleeds for no good reason too. Such an awful thing, sometimes they last for ages too!

Guilty Secret said...

Diner? I thought we were going to a comic book convention?

Canadian flake said...

Hope the nose is better now...if this is the worse that Max ever does to you then you will get off easy as a parent..lol.

Remember an ice pack can do wonders..