Wednesday, May 26, 2010
The Redistribution of New Jersey
The time has come to admit what we've all been thinking and feeling since the morning after December 18th, 1787... New Jersey has to go! The state doesn't make any sense and never has.
The following counties will be redistributed to Pennsylvania for obvious reasons: Sussex, Warren, Hunterdon, Somerset, Middlesex Mercer, Burlington, Camden, Gloucester, Cumberland (I’m not completely convinced that Cumberland County really exists) and Salem.
Note: If I misspelled any of the future counties of Pennsylvania it doesn't really matter. Soon they will be absorbed and possibly renamed. For example, Mercer County might be renamed Mercerville County or Mercerburg County.
Passaic, Bergen, Essex, Hudson, and Union counties will become the 6th Borough of New York and will be called New Jersey. Atlantic, Ocean, and Monmouth counties because of their proximity to the Atlantic Ocean will also become part of the newest and coolest borough of New York City.
Cape May will become part of Pennsylvania and that way the trash from Camden and Philadelphia will have their own beaches to defile and destroy. And take your damn cheese-steaks with you!
Morris County will be examined a little closer and will probably have to be split up on a town-by-town basis between the borough of New Jersey and PA. East Hanover, for one very obvious reason on Route 10, will become part of New Jersey while a town like Denville is a natural fit for the state of Pennsylvania.
I grew up in Essex County, New Jersey and I live in Kentucky now. If you think walking around your own state like your shit don’t stink feels good, try doing it in a state like Kentucky for a couple of months. You’ll never need another drug as long as you live.
New Yorkers can talk all the shit they want, but they would love nothing more than for me to join them full-time. New York City has been trying to get in my pants with comic book conventions, drugs, and Broadway shows (Intermittently) for as long as I can remember.
Still, living in New Jersey for 21 years or so has taught me that I'm special. I can taste the difference between good and bad food. I can tell the difference between an Italian and a Jewish woman by touch, and I know that I'm smarter than ninety nine percent of the docile sheep on this planet. Could a former resident of Cumberland County, New Jersey now living in Arkansas make the same argument? Of course not.
So thank you New Jersey. It was nice having you as a member of the Union and we might even consider retiring the Garden State Parkway in your honor someday. I look forward to watching Super Bowl 48 live from New York in New Jersey.
Residence of Warren County, you might want to familiarize yourselves with the Coot.