The Boy of Tomorrow and his brother The Lad of Tomorrow.

No time like the present to train The Boy of Tomorrow how to be responsible with a cell phone. I know from experience that at any given time a cell phone can be dropped into a five gallon bucket of paint or left on the hood of a car only to go flying down Dixie Highway at 45 miles per hour. Sometimes cell phones just disappear in the cushion of a beloved red microfiber couch (along with a wallet, keys and the remotes to the TV and DVR) only to materialize three hundred dollars later in The Toddler of Today's hand.

Every time I turn around Max AKA The Boy of Tomorrow is asking me where his new phone is. Max also has two other cell phones but generally ignores them if favor of his new phone. Only when Ben, The Lad of Tomorrow, starts playing with one of Max's three cell phones does Max take notice.

He's constantly on the thing too! Pretending mostly to talk to Grandma Tina or his imaginary friend Ken Tieto. Ken Tieto has red hair and comes over in the middle of the night to hang out with The Boy of Tomorrow. I think Ken tries to get Max to smoke candy cigarettes and drink soda with caffeine in it. "Ken Tieto will be here soon". Sometimes I pick up the phone when Tieto calls and I tell the miscreant to stay the fuck home so Max can get some sleep but it doesn't work. I try to pump more information out of The Boy of Tomorrow about his friend but Max will only give me snippets of information about Ken. The rest I have to piece together. Ken's a lot like Eddie Haskell and has a pretty rough home life so I will be patient with him and let the little shit hang around.

In hindsight the only place we should have registered for Max is Radio Shack. The Boy of Tomorrow turns three in July and wants cupcakes and a radio for his birthday. He did play with his Batcycle and Batman figure for about three seconds tonight and drove it from the living room to the dinning room so there's hope for us having a relationship in the future. He also likes to drink a cup of tea and color before bedtime. Soon it will be tracing and working on Super Heroes but that's not for a few more years. And when he's sick he likes to lay in bed with me and have me read Showcase presents Green Lantern Voulume One to him.

On a quick and very brief note: Being a parent is crazy. I love it but it's fucking insane and scary as shit.

The Lad of Tomorrow loves to eat everything today. The tiny tot has never refused a meal. One time he didn't like a piece of broccoli. It was steamed and not spiced and a little under cooked. Of course it was at a restaurant and not cooked by me or my wife.

In this picture Ben is eating a piece of corned beef. The Lad has good taste considering the shit is eight dollars and change a pound. Tonight Max, Ben and I had Corned Beef on a bagel with a piece of American cheese. Allyson (Mother of The Boy and The Lad) helped Ben with half of his. I put two pieces of cheese on mines and sometimes I use Swiss. For a while I was using brown mustard but it makes my mouth break out in hives. Curious.

Note: The Lad of Tomorrow weighs three ounces less than The Boy of Tomorrow did at the age of One.The Lad of Tomorrow would have been okay had he been born in 1970 since he likes to play with things that don't require a two year contract and insurance. The Boy of Tomorrow would be up shit's creek without a paddle unless The Parent of the Past had the foresight to give the Boy of Tomorrow a toaster.

The only real thing I know about raising Max and Ben is that they will know all three season of Star Trek the Original Serires inside and out and when they turn fourteen I will throw a twenty thousand dollar birthday party (compliments of Grandma Tina) for each of them when they go through Pon farr.

"In Star Trek, Vulcan males and females go into heat every seven years,"  Unlike a Vulcan I go into heat every seven seconds but that's a post for another blog.

This Halloween I'm going as Captain Kirk. Max is going as Mr. Spock and Ben is going as Bones. Allyson hasn't committed on going as Uhura or Christine Chapel yet.

Another Note: If I can figure out a way to get Allyson to approve two cap guns I've been eyeballing at Kroger (Foodtown) then The Boy and The Lad will go as The Lone Ranger and Tonto. That would be really phat but I won't do the costumes without guns. When I grew up guns were a tool writers used on TV to teach morality. Now all they do is kill people... Rats.

A picture of Max and I fighting over a dimebag I found is his school bag in the year 2022.