Wednesday, July 14, 2010

It's a Man's Man's Man's World

Sunday, August 25th, 1974, 1:59 PM:
Boy Twin B: It's warm and cozy and I'm not leaving. Out you go! *kick*
Me: Waaaaah!

Sometime in 1977:
Boy Twin B: I want ice cream. Go get it for me.
Me: But Mommy said no.
Boy Twin B: Pleeeeease?
Me: Okay. (drags stool to refrigerator, climbs up, gets caught.)

Sometime in 1991:
Me: How come (Boy Twin B) gets to go hang out in the city with his friends and I can't?
Dad: Because.
Me: But why?
Dad: I said no. Enough!
Me: Grumble grumble chauvinist grumble so unfair.

Later in 1991, Port Authority Bus Terminal:
Random man: Hey, nice ass!
Me: Fuck off. Oh... I get it now.

Early 1998:
Mr. Network Administration Instructor: As a woman, you'll have to work ten times harder than anyone else.
Me: To do what? Get a man to do the work for me?
Mr. NAI: Huh?
Me: Exactly.

October 2000:
Cantor: So under the chuppah, do you want to walk around him seven ti...
Me: Oh hell no.
Husband to be: Why not?
Me: Because you already have a throne, and it's called the toilet.

August 2005:
Ultrasound tech, staring at the monitor: And that's a penis.
Me: WHAAA? Where? Are you sure?
Dad to be (grinning enormously): Thank goodness.
Me: Where's the penis? Are you sure?!? Absolutely sure?!?
Dad to be: Be quiet and let her do her job. And, thank goodness.

Tuesday, July 12, 2010, 3:45 AM
Boy Kid D: Mommy! I'm scared.
Me: Whuh? Everything's fine. Go back to your bed.
Father of the Year: Mmmhhh get lost mmmrrrmmm. *snore*
Boy Kid D: But I'm scared.
Me: Okay. (Drags self to kid's twin bed, stares at ceiling, awake for the day.)


Peter said...

Damn! That's almost enough to make me rue my masculinity. I can't apologize for the recalcitrant knuckle-draggers in your world, but I will definitely look to curtail my similar thoughtless displays. I thought I was father of the year; maybe next year.
P.S. Perhaps next time you can tell us how you really feel?

Lieutenant Ilia said...

I was actually making fun of myself for not growing my own magic pair of balls.

captain corky said...

Ilia, this is Peter's system: He comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Just like the first time I met him in DC when he was calling himself March.

Great Posts Gang!

Please keep feeding me, I want to get really, really, really fat.