Most Eligible Bachelors

When Joran Van Der Slut first went to jail recently, I quipped to several of my friends that a good way to get stupid and/or crazy bimbos to send them naked pictures would be to establish www.joran'sprisonpenpals.com. (Bimbo: Oh Joran! I want you! Joran: Yah baybee! I vant to see you nayked! Send peeks! NOW, BEETCH! Bimbo: Yes, master!) Yet another totally fucking golden opportunity! Time has proven my obvious no-brainer of an idea to be on point. Apparently the bimbos are beating a path to this sociopath's cell door by the hundreds (or by now the thousands). I think I get it, but it still boggles my mind.

I read in my local newspaper last night after work an item from the AP, "Feud between women leads to fatal crash." The article tells of a Facebook feud between two women over a 23-year-old prison inmate. One saw the other riding in a car, a high-speed chase ensued. The car being chased ran a red light and knocked a dump truck onto its side. The driver of the car died, and the feud participant was in ICU (may have since died). The chaser and her 3-year-old daughter (!WTF?!) were unhurt, presumably because they didn't hit a fucking dump truck. The chaser faces murder charges; the daughter faces a life that hurts my head to imagine.

Sometime in the 1990's, I was in the rut that was my very long bachelorhood when some magazine or other made JFK Jr. its most eligible bachelor. The idea was that the more money and better prospects and better looks and famous background one had, the more eligible it made one. I disagreed, but only because my circumstances and situation disqualified me from the running in most social circles above the lower middle class, and I believed I would make a better husband and father than most of the too-important fuckwads running and ruining things out there. But to what end would I one day apply the parenting? To raise a future too-important fuckwad of my own?

I reasoned long ago that there is truly only one accomplishment worth pursuing in life; that would be ruling the world. Brain had it right: "Hey, Brain. What are we going to do today?" "The same thing we do every day, Pinky; try and take over the world!" Everything else falls short. I realized at the same time that I will never do it: My station in life left me in no position even to try; my lingering Guilty Catholic Conscience prohibits me from doing much of what one must do to rule the world; next...

I cannot groom my sons for the endeavor, either. I will do what I can to leave it as a viable option for them, should they one day come to realize what they need to do in order to ensure that they will be, indeed, the most eligible bachelors ever. To that end, I was thinking about starting a future rulers of the world fund. The selling points would be that their takeover is inevitable, resistance is futile, and that the earlier and more often one contributes, the better one's chances of not perishing at their hand when the shit goes down. Hey, dreams are free, and if you're gonna dream, dream big.

Back to bachelors number one and two. What is it about them that makes women desire them so much that they would compete for them even as they languish in prison? Can Joran's dick be so formidable that just the hope of winning the "Marry Joran Sweepstakes" has drawn thousands of women? Can that other prisoner's pecker be so awesome that girls will fight each other (to the death?) over it? Don't the murderous or criminal ways of these guys in any way disqualify them? Shouldn't these guys be frontrunners in the least eligible bachelor contest? To think that they have bred or may breed someday soon sickens me. If my sons someday rule the world, my counsel to them will be to eradicate that sort immediately, then line up the women who love them. The world will be a much better place when we no longer have to share the air with them and those of their ilk.

Forgive me, Father...