Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Dirty Dozen


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My fellow foulmouthed friend and boobtastic blogger Sarah posted about this article"According to the fine folks at TheFrisky.com, there are '12 Kinds of Sex Every Woman Has to Have Before She Settles Down'.  Seeing my fucking didn't hit double digits, I highly doubt I reached any sort of pinnacle with the 'kind' of screwing I have done." 
 
Yeah, mine didn't hit double digits either.  Thank goodness there's someone else out there who is as much of a schmuck as I am.  Since she commented item by item, I'm going to blatantly rip her off emulate her and then give or deny myself points:
 
1---Sexy Foreigner Sex.  I give myself a half point for this one because of the half Vietnamese factor.  After we broke up, I never had any desire to find the other half. +0.5


2---"The One" Sex.  Being that my legs didn't flop open for just any guy, I had a cringe-worthy tendency to think every guy was "The One".  Per Sarah: "The point being made is women shouldn't get hung up on the idea that sex equates everlasting love."  Superfantastic bigfail! A pity +1.


3---A Big D.  These Cosmo rejects couldn't just say "dick", they had to say "dragon".  Because apparently a dick is just a dick, but a dragon has a long neck. +1
 
4---Bad Sex.  I can't say this has ever happened.  Low mediocre bordering on lame, but never absolutely terrible. I might be in denial, but: 0


5---Angry Sex/Hate Sex/Breakup Sex.  The article says, "It's a wrestling match where everybody wins!"  Only if the "wrestling match" involves biting, hair pulling, and spanking should the first 2/3 count for anything.  As for the last 1/3, note to self:  Completely break up with person B and do not give them pity sex before screwing person A.  On the same day.  Something I conveniently forgot to do once. +1


6---Rock Star/Movie Star/Athlete Sex.  I've never actually met anyone famous, unless you count a glimpse of Alec Baldwin yakking on his cell phone while I was killing time in Bryant Park before a date I should never have agreed to.  So, yet another fail. 0


7---Booty Hole Sex.  And I quote, "You should know if anal is your thing before you settle down. Test it out with someone you trust, preferably a mild-mannered sweetheart who is super gentle in the sack and who’s also dispensable in case you don’t like it and never want to do it again."  Did this person ever exist?  If so, I'm thinking they died out with the tyrannosaurs.  As for admitting or not admitting to the point for this one:  I've been married for ten years.  People can only go through so much before the Final Frontier has to be acknowledged.  Drunk +1


8---Two Girls are Better Than One Sex.  Can someone tell me exactly when this became cool?  Because it never was when I was in school - high school or college.  Not even Lesbian Until Graduation was respected.  Wow, girls today have it so easy - you can be a lesbian whenever you want, lickety split, and no one judges: 0


9---Jump the Age Gap Sex.  Definition:  Sleep with someone ten years older or ten years younger.  The biggest age gap of mine is the current one of 2 years 5 months with me being the younger one.  When I was 18, I Did Everything But with a 25 year old, but now that I think about it, most 25 year olds don't have foreheads that wrinkled.  So I'm guessing he was actually around 35. Since there was never any penetration: 0


10---Dominating Sex.  Per the article:  "Three words: woman on top. You totally dominate this sexual experience. It’s you, in control, doing and getting what you want. Bonus points if it involves leather!"  YAWN.  Call me back when it involves restraints and ice cubes. +1


11---Incomplete Pass.  Why does a softie count on this list?  WTF? That's like you can't masturbate because the batteries in your vibrator died. +1


12---Flying Solo.  Per Sarah again: "I would like to think lots of ladies fly solo but something tells me there is a lot of talk and not much action." Who the hell has any time to fly solo anymore?  I have to create a calendar reminder on my phone. +1


Total: 7 1/2 for 12.  Oddly, I don't feel like I missed out on anything.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go check out the W4W section on Craigslist.


7 comments:

furiousBall said...

ironically the ideal #7 person to try anal with would be a hamster

Charlene said...

LOL @ Ball

12/12 here. I am so ashamed, NOT.

Lieutenant Ilia said...

That poor hamster.
(Postscript: Please google "Raggot Armageddon". )

Peter said...

How many kinds of sex should men have before they hang it up (I mean, get married)? Going by the guidelines in the article (fuck Cosmo!) I'll never be complete. Woe is me.

Peter said...

BTW: 7 of 12; can you guess which ones? Hint: I've never been in a relationship with Taylor Swift or Rock Hudson...

Sarah said...

Two snaps and a circle sista---boy do I like being quoted. Now if you will excuse me, I am going to go fly solo with a big ass dragon dildo

Peter said...

Poor man's patent: Foot-tall Dancing Muno Doll, complete with jitterbug setting, etc. (Batteries not included.)