Buzz Off

June 1998:  The lease was signed and all the utilities were turned on.  The fuck buddy was left 750 miles behind.  What was my next priority?  Finding a replacement.  However, I just didn't have it in me to go to the nearest bar to post a signup sheet next to the men's restroom.  Craigslist existed, but only to sell used Futons, person on Futon optional.  So, I decided to settle for something that didn't talk back.  Unfortunately, the local Yellow Pages didn't have a separate section for "Vibrators" or even "Sex".  Finally, under the "Marital Aids" heading, I hit the jackpot:  Lover's Lane!  I immediately got into my car and sped east to this supposed onanist mecca.  I was expecting Pink Pussycat West.  I was greatly disappointed to find that it was a rather tame chain of stores containing ho-hum lingerie and vibrators that wouldn't even generate a 1.0 on the Richter Scale.  Since I was desperate, I quickly selected a "massager" with "attachments".  It got the job done, albeit not very well. Two months later, this story actually turned out to be a "marital aid", as I recounted it when I first met my now-husband.

Fast forward to present day...  [Insert musical montage of vibrators here]

Lots of relatively stressful events have transpired or are about to transpire, and I am in need of a quick and easy way to relax.  (Draining a wine bottle would work but I can't spare either the 8 Weight Watchers points or the ensuing DUI.)  Plus, I have a live-in fuck buddy now that needs to be rewarded for occasionally taking out the garbage.  What device could possibly unite those two initiatives?


 

The We-Vibe ii (now with nine distinct speeds!) is designed to hold the clitoris and g-spot paper-clip style while still allowing for penetration.  This looks like the greatest thing in the world, next to Dilaudid and this blog, of course.  I'd run out and get it right now, but... $99.00?  Really?  Is there a used market somewhere?  Oh, wait... eBay to the rescue!  

Uh oh, my company-issued PC is starting to make funny noises... 

Hey, stop it with the Remote Desktop!  Get your own damn toy!