Vodka

Ever since Smirnoff started selling Vodka in plastic bottles my life has never been the same. While I'm driving home from the liquor store if the bottle happens to slip out of my hands while I'm driving, it's not the end of the world! No broken glass to clean up and chances are the bottle will bounce right back into my hands.

Vodka's always been my drink of choice except for a short phase that I was going through in the early 90's with Colt 45. OK maybe I like Budweiser sometimes too. Scotch and Tequila aren't bad when Vodka isn't an option. Either of these is an acceptable substitute, but Vodka is always my first choice. I don't go below the Smirnoff line. No rail Vodka for me... Unless it's in a jello shot or something ridiculous like that. I realize that there is smoother Vodka out there but Im in it for the plastic.

I'm also very appreciative to Smirnoff for realizing that at the end of the night there's nothing more comical then watching the bottle of Vodka you just threw at the TV bounce off. Kind of takes the sting out of your rage, know what I mean?

Happy New Years everyone! It's gonna be a good one.

Dick Clark

Allyson asked me what we were doing for New Years, and I told her with a gleeful smile on my face, that we weren't doing anything. I think she's pretty happy about that. I'm pretty sure that my wife's desire to do nothing on New Years is pretty much based on the pregnancy. Pretty much.

There are three theories as to why I'm not that interested in going out for New Years Eve this year:

1. I'm all partied out after an extensive 20 plus year run. It takes a lot of energy for me to go to a party folks. Not only do I have to get drunk and have a good time, but I also have to Take Over.
I'm not the guy who walks in to a room and takes over immediately. I don't have that kind of presence. I do my work from the inside out. It's a lot easier to work a room like that I think. Sometimes you don't even have to move from the spot that you first sat down in at the beginning of a party, that's when you know your game is really on.

One of the downsides of using this method is that people become very dependent on you emotionally. At most parties that's a very good thing (easier to control the masses) but sometimes someone may be overly emotional and you'll find yourself spending three hours with a person you just met listening to them cry about their life. It's a tough job but someones got to do it.

2. I'm a really nice and compassionate guy. I'm learning to understand that pregnancy is a partnership. It's tough for me folks. I was raised on TV Land. I've got some pretty archaic notions about what I'm supposed to do as an expecting parent. All I want to do is pace at work while I talk to my wife on the phone and practice packing a suitcase and calling a cab for the day when "She's ready". I promise I'm working on that.

3. I'm a border line agoraphobic. Nothing pleases me more then staying in this apartment 24/7 with the exception of work. If I could work here, I would. I just never really get tired of the apartment. There's so much to do here. So much television still to watch! Sitting here writing this I'm wondering if my wife will want to go to the park after the baby is born. God I hope not. "We can just open the windows and pretend were at the park honey". That will be fun!

I'll really just leave it up to your imagination or your intimate knowledge of me to decide what's true and what's feldercarb about my three theories.

auld lang syne

Some of you guys might remember this guy as Bo Duke from the Dukes of Hazard. I'm more familiar with some of his later work. In 1999 he stared as Michael Landon in "Michael Landon, the father I knew" written and Directed by Landon's son (obviously trying to cash in on his fathers fame). Despite the script with all of it's vicious lies about the nearly perfect Michael Landon, Bo did I mighty fine acting job in this one. It's always nice to see one those typcasted guys pull out of a 20 year rut.

Then in 2001 Mr. Bo Duke officially lost that moniker for ever when he was casted as Johnathon Kent on Smallville. Now when I look at this actor all I see is Jonathan Kent, and that's a good thing. I have no desire to look at Bo Duke ever again.

Jonathan Kent is one acquaintance I will never forget! How could I? For those of you that don't watch Smallville, Jonathon Kent died in the 100th episode of Smallville on February 2nd 2006. I also got a chance to watch him die in 1979 in "Superman The Movie (Please note that Glenn Ford was playing Pa Kent in Superman The Movie and not the Duke). I've also read countless issues of Superman(the comic books) where Jonathon inevitable dies. My heart can only take so much. One can only wonder how old I'll be the next time I see him die.

I'll be raising a glass to Jonathon Kent on New Years Eve. Your memory lives on through DVD my friend... until you meet your tragic end. Again.

Noel

For your viewing pleasure make sure to turn to TBS on Christmas day. A Christmas Story is a must to have on while preparing meals or opening presents. At some point during the day your going to get sucked into to watching this fabulous movie. It brings a tear to my eye every year, and I become very nostalgic for the Christmas's of my past and very hopeful for the Christmas's of my future.


Christmas past:
Every year Kim Jong Ramone and Mr. and Mrs. Kim Jong Ramone have the best Christmas Eve Party ever. You really should go over to KJR's blog and read about it from his point of view.

Back in the day we used to go over to Kim Jong Ramones and spend Christmas eve up in his bedroom. That's where we teenagers were relegated too and for good reason. KJR had a giant water bed that fit 50 and he had a bar in his bedroom. What kid has a fully stocked bar in his bedroom? You only see shit like that on TV, unless you happened to be friends with KJR. With KJR's vision and my personality we make for a great team, and that's why after the first year of attending the KJR family Christmas party it was renamed to the Captain Corky/Kim Jong Ramone Annual Christmas Regalia or Outing if you like.
I would spend the beginning of the night fighting with the Birdman over the remote and KJR would try to stick Smokey and the Bandit into the VCR while we were fighting. I was always the first to show up at the party, about 5 hours early, under the guise of coming over to help set up. It just so happens that I would have my first cocktail at about 3 in the afternoon. Then the Birdman would leave to go have Christmas Eve at his parent's house. They put up their tree every year on Christmas Eve and leave it up well into February. I put up my tree in early March and take it down right before the Super Bowl.

After the Birdman would leave, all sorts of people would come and go. The list of characters is almost endless. Craig Dickinson, Chino, Platt, Abby, Jenny, Karen, random girl friends of the month and KJR's cousin Noelle... just to name a few. By the end of the night some of us would be very drunk and all of us would be doing weird things on Lou's water bed.

I'm not going to talk about the food here, it's not my place. I'm leaving that for Kim Jong Ramone. Let's just say that his father and Aunt could cook like nobodies business! The Apologist would always show up in the nick of time to eat KJR's family out of house and home.

My favorite part of the night was around midnight when we would all go out and sit on KJR's roof and drink OR choose not to drink. Some years the snow would be falling, and it was just a perfect moment. I love listening to the silence of Christmas in the middle of the night. It's what makes this holiday so special for me. By about 4:am a drunken KJR, Captain Corky,The Apologist, and the sober Birdman would fight over the VCR again. By noon the next day we were up and ready to begin our Christmas day extravaganza. Truly good times.

Christmas Present:
This year is extra special for me and Allyson. It's going to be our last Christmas together alone. Next year Corky JR. will be with us. It's a very exciting time around here despite my poor wife's bout with morning sickness we'll do the usual stuff per SHOP (standard holdiay operating procedures) like opening presents after eating our traditional holiday breakfast of Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls and Coffee (decaf for Allyson this year).

We also exchange gifts with Erika (our roommate/Allyson's best friend/ my surrogate wife when Allyson is not around, and this doesn't mean she performs sexual favors for me you perverted freaks!) Then we'll go over to Al and Sharon's(in laws) and eat a nice holiday meal. Hopefully Al will never ask me to say Grace again. I think he learned his lesson the first time he asked me after he had to apologize to God for my lack of enthusiasm. It is now Mandatory that my mother makes it to Kentucky for Christmas every year starting next year, when ever I can't make it back to NJ because of work.

Christmas future: How the fuck do I know? I'm not a seer.

I've enjoyed getting to know everybody this year, it has been a blast! I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas and gets everything they wish or hope for, or at least very drunk.
"God bless us, everyone!"
Tiny Tim

Surviving the holidays alone

For those of you heathens that are having trouble getting into a festive mood just because your going to be alone this Christmas... I'm here to help. I'm going to help you manufacture some good old Christmas spirit. First of all you'll need to run out and buy Christmas with the Rat Pack. The Cd is incredible! Just like bottled water it's all about the packaging folks. These guys have been dead for some time now, and yet I find myself buying a new Rat Pack Christmas CD every year despite the fact that I have every single song on this particular Cd ten times over. Hey, was this album produced by George Lucas or what?

Since your spending Christmas alone this year, you'll have to buy a bottle of your favorite hard Liquor, beer won't cut it. Perhaps some Vodka or Scotch. I know that all the experts out there tell people to never drink alone, but fuck that! I've done some of my best drinking by myself. Plus a nice warm little buzz always helps you feel Christmas more. If you live alone, chances are you smoke. I've never met anyone who lives alone that doesn't smoke besides my grandmother. You won't have to listen to anyone bitch about your smoke or go outside because hey, It's just you, Frank, Dean and Sammy and they all smoked two to three pack a day. If you smoke light cigarettes upgrade to unfiltered cigarettes, or Newports. Don't be a wuss, it's Christmas!

Warning: Under no circumstance are you too answer the phone while spending Christmas by yourself! The last thing you want to do is here your friends and family laughing and having a good time. Fuck them, they don't know how to have real fun. Those sheep need other people to have fun. Not you!

After you have ignored three of four calls, smoked half a pack and are starting to see double, it's time to turn off the Rat Pack and watch It's a Wonderful Life or Miracle on 34th Street. Both movies are acceptable for surviving Christmas alone. Even though your alone it's nice to watch other people (as long as it's on television) getting their shit together. Hell, this could be the last time you ever drink or spend Christmas alone. Once or twice is enough for anybody! After watching one of the above mentioned movies you will decide that next year come hell or high water, your going to spend Christmas with somebody, anybody damn it. For those of you that are a little more ambitious you might even venture out to a bar at this point. Good for you! You'll either fine the same 7 schmucks you see at the bar 5 times a week or a couple of independent people just like you, and me. Either way you'll probably have a good time. Shit, somebody might even buy you a shot or two.

You might even have a spiritual conversion at some point during the night, If this happens call your local Church or call Alcoholic's Anonymous , and ask for Bill, he'll help you from this point forward. For the rest of you. You'll find that you didn't die, you enjoyed some good drink and music, and next year things are going to be diffrent!

Christmas Wish

Every year at Christmas time I find myself wishing for the same thing...a brand of gum that won't lose it's fucking flavor! Every year with out fail I'm let down. I primarily chew Trident Splash with a strawberry and lime goo in the middle. I also chew almost every flavor of Extra. These two brands of gum are best. They stay soft and hold their flavor a lot longer then any other gum I have ever chewed.

Gum is very important to me. I chew gum all the time, just like that little shit, Violet Beauregard. One of my biggest pet peeves is professional bad breath people, and I certainly don't want to be perceived as a person who has know regard for the scent of his own breath. Call me an unrefined cow because of the way I slobber all over a piece of gum, that's fine. Just realize that you will never have to offer me one of your precious fucking mints.

Besides right before a kiss, I have found that the most important time to chew a piece of gum is during a meeting at work. I make sure that the presenter of any meeting I'm sitting in is fully aware that I have a piece of gum in my mouth. Sometimes I chew with my mouth open, and when I really don't have any respect for the presenter or the subject matter, I start cracking my gum. It's my little passive aggressive way of telling the presenter to go fuck him or her self. "I'm sorry, I haven't heard a word you've said, I'm to busy chewing on this here piece of gum instead of listening to you".

What about the dentists? One time a dentist told me I was really too old not to be flossing. He was just saying this because he had a god complex, and wanted me to quit chewing tobacco. I told him that I didn't care about his opinion and I could easily find 4 other dentists that would say that they prefer chewing Trident gum to flossing. It even says so on the pack!

Despite all this cynicism I'm not going to give up on my Christmas wish. I know that one day my wish will come true, and I will fill complete contentment on Christmas day. After all that's what Christmas is about, isn't it? Gum.

Neil

This morning I was inspired to write a post about my experience living in Bayonne New Jersey after reading Rockdog's Move In Day post.

The second time I moved out of my parent's house I was like 23 or 24. I decided to move in with this kid named Neil and his older brother, Neil's older brother. I met Neil through a mutual friend, The Birdman, at a wellness camp called Tigs. Tigs stands for the Teen institute of the Garden State. A camp that promoted sobriety and healthy living as an alternative to drugs and alcohol. Sex was the only gray area that Tigs never really addressed... The Apologist and I were counselors for this organization for five minuets during a short bout of hysteria I like to call sobriety. The Birdman was a member of this organization for many years after Corky and the Apologist retired from sobriety.

Corky: Sorry dude, I can't make it to camp this year, I'm huffing gasoline out of brown paper bag right now.

Birdman: Your a dick!

Diclaimer: the joke up above was inspired by Kim Jong Ramone


A little about Bayonne the city: Neil and Neil's older brother rented a pretty nice house in Bayonne NJ. Bayonne I think would qualify as a city in New Jersey. According to the facts that I researched this morning for 2 minutes, 60,000 people live there, and 20 percent of them are Italians, 18 percent are Irish, and 17 percent are Polish. There was a really good dinner at the end of Neil's street, but I'm pretty sure that it was owned by a Greek guy. Greeks own all the dinners in New Jersey with the exception of the Ritz, a dinner in Livingston NJ owned by a Jewish woman (I think). If I made a pie chart of all the women I have dated in my life, it would pretty much coincide with the demographics of Bayonne. I dated a lot of Italian broads back in my day.

There were a lot of logistical issues that I didn't factor in at all when I decided to move to Bayonne. Bayonne was no where near where I worked. I had to commute one hour a day to my part time job. Stupid. I worked at night, and when I would finally get home from work there was never anywhere to park because people who live in Bayonne park on the street because there are no driveways. A good majority of Bayonne's citizens also work during the day so It was almost impossible to find a good parking space at 6 o'clock in the morning in Bayonne. So many days I would spend 45 minutes driving around the block looking for a parking space. Idiotic.

Niel and Neil's brother also worked during the day (which was good, because I didn't have to deal with them) but it presented problems with my life style. I couldn't do anything but go to my room when I got home from work because Neil and Neil's brother owned two deaf Dalmatians that weren't trained and spent 80 percent of their lives in cages in the Kitchen. So making something to eat was out of the question. The only time Neil ever spent any time with these dogs was when he was beating the shit out of them for barking. He'd pull them out of the cage, hit them and thrust them back into the cage. What a guy!

On my first day of living there, Neil gave me a key, introduced me to his brother and said welcome. Then he went to his room and shut the door. Neil's brother never came out of his bed room either. Neil spent most of his time at home in AOL chat rooms soliciting women. I don't know what Neils older brother was doing... The only time I saw him was when he was on his way to work in his suit.

One time I bought roses for a girl that I was dating (not Italian, Jewish), and put them in a vase on the dinning room table so that I could surprise her for Valentines Day. When I got back to the house from picking her up, the flowers were all over the living room torn apart by the Dalmatians, so I pulled them out of their cages and beat the shit out of them. Not the Dalmatians, Neil and Neil's older brother. Kidding, but I should have!

Very shortly after living with those two freaks, I was living on the Birdman's bedroom floor, and then finally back in my parents home for one last brief period. The last thing I heard about Neil is that he was engaged and sleeping with prostitutes. What a fucking guy!

This morning I was inspired to write a post about my experience living in Bayonne New Jersey after reading Rockdog's Move In Day post.

The second time I moved out of my parent's house I was like 23 or 24. I decided to move in with this kid named Neil and his older brother, Neil's older brother. I met Neil through a mutual friend, The Birdman, at a wellness camp called Tigs. Tigs stands for the Teen institute of the Garden State. A camp that promoted sobriety and healthy living as an alternative to drugs and alcohol. Sex was the only gray area that Tigs never really addressed... The Apologist and I were counselors for this organization for five minuets during a short bout of hysteria I like to call sobriety. The Birdman was a member of this organization for many years after Corky and the Apologist retired from sobriety.

Corky: Sorry dude, I can't make it to camp this year, I'm huffing gasoline out of brown paper bag right now.

Birdmand: Your a dick!

A little about Bayonne the city:

Neil and Neil's older brother rented a pretty nice house in Bayonne NJ. Bayonne I think would qualify as a city in New Jersey. According to the facts that I researched this morning for 2 minutes, 60,000 people live there, and 20 percent of them are Italians, 18 percent are Irish, and 17 percent are Polish. There was a really good dinner at the end of Neil's street, but I'm pretty sure that it was owned by a Greek guy. Greeks own all the dinners in New Jersey with the exception of the Ritz, a dinner in Livingston NJ owned by a Jewish woman (I think). If I made a pie chart of all the women I have dated in my life, it would pretty much coincide with the demographics of Bayonne. I dated a lot of Italian broads back in my day.

There were lots of problems with living in Bayonne. I worked at night and Neil and Neil's brother worked during the day. That's not really a problem except that I couldn't really use the house when I got home from because they were sleeping.

ud. I worked at night when I lived with Neil and Neil's older brother, so when I came home at 6:00 am I would always wake up the dogs and they would start barking ( probably because they had to piss). Out would come Neil and pull the dogs out of the cage and beat the shit out of them, and then go back to sleep with out saying a word.

Weekend recap:

The Birdman wrote a fun post over on his blog about one of his favorite holiday movies. To find out what movie I'm talking about click on the Birman's name. He covered just about everything that needed to be said about the movie except that the real star of the movie was Clint Howard. Ron Howard's little brother. In my comment on the Cupboard, I pointed out the fact that even though Ron Howard has won an Oscar and accomplished just about everything there is to accomplish in Hollywood, he never guest starred on an episode of Star Trek, unlike Clint who played Baylock in The Carbomite Maneuver. In other words compared to Clint, Ron Howard is a hack!
If you don't like football skip the next paragraph:
In other news I had a pretty good weekend. I watched a lot of football. A nice Saturday night treat. The Cowboys vs. The Falcons. Pretty good game! Oh and T.O. spit in DeAngelo Hall's face. T.O. then apologized after the game and said that he needed to move on. What a fucking animal! On Sunday I got to watch a 5 hour Bucks vs. Bears mini-marathon. 5 hours!

After the Cowboys game my wife and I went and saw The Holiday. Wait for it to come to HBO. Don't spend your hard earned bucks on this one folks. It's over two hours long and it takes about a half hour until the movie becomes tolerable. Obviously Kate Winselt makes any movie tolerable, and I'm sure there are a couple of people out there that don't mind Cameron Diaz either.

On Friday Allyson and I went to our first official doctor's appointment. After the doctor was done terrorizing my wife we got to hear Corky Jr's. heartbeat for the first time. It took my breath away. It was amazing. So fast. Just like Daddies after two cups of coffee and two stacker's. I wonder if Corky Jr's eyes were bulging out of his/her head too.

Our Doctor is really down to earth. I really like her a lot. Of course it helped that she laughed when I made reference to my good looks. For those of you that don't know I was adopted, and because I don't know too much about my ethnic background I had to get a blood test done. That's how my good looks came up. Really, I'm not that much of a ham in real life. Well, maybe after a 6 pack or so... Anyway Friday was amazing, and Saturday and Sunday weren't too bad either. I hope ya'all had a good weekend too.

One week to go until the countdown begins again!

The holiday crunch is officially upon us! How do I know this? Because last night at work I witnessed the finest holiday spread ever known to man kind. Two cases of White Castles, two stacks of fresh Krispy Kreme donuts and two boxes of Krispy Kreme coffee. Yum! From last night forward our office will be filled with this wonderful food every night. The Birdman and Kim Jong Ramone would wet themselves if they worked with me, and the Grumbler and Willsix would shit themselves.

Whenever Christmas falls on a Sunday or a Monday I get an extra special Christmas bonus at work, an extra day added to my schedule. Yep, I'll be working 6 days next week. It's OK though, I'll get to redeem that day sometime during the next quarter along with an extra day for the day after Thanksgiving and New Years Eve(I'm not working New Years Eve, but I get a day off for it because it falls on the weekend).

We're just about done with our Christmas shopping. Most of the presents under the tree are for me! Allyson went to town yesterday (What a wonderful woman). Next year most of the presents under the tree will be for Corky's offspring, so we decided to spoil ourselves one last time. Who the hell am I kidding, there will be plenty of presents for me as well!

Every year the during the first week of December I get a half month bonus that is used exclusively for presents ( not so long ago things were so tight that I used this bonus to catch up on bills, but hopefully those days are gone forever). We split the bonus for our holiday shopping. Now that there's going to be three of us, one of us has to be cut out. Sorry Allyson. I'm sure that Corky Jr.(regardless of the child's gender, the child will be named Corky Jr.) and I will make you something nice. Perhaps a replica of our apartment made out of Popsicle sticks.

I hope everybody has a great weekend! Feel free to enjoy our fake tree. Can you guess which ornaments are mine? Oh and sorry about that musty electrical socket eye sore, I haven't gotten around to painting that wall yet.

Christmas Prayer: Dear God, please show Nonny the way. She doesn't belive in Beta, help her to see the light.

Last night my wife sent me out at 4:30 in the morning to get her some Rice Krispies. She hasn't dispatched me too many times so I really can't complain. Since my wife has become pregnant I've had to assume many rolls in the home that are traditionally associated with women like, the cleaning, the cooking, and changing the cat litter. Because I'm so excited that she's pregnant, I really haven't minded doing all this woman's work. It's been a bit challenging at times, but I'm getting quite good at cooking soup and making peanut butter and pickle sandwiches.

Time has really flown by and in three weeks we'll be in the second trimester. Thank god! From what I understand women can go back to work during the second trimester. Finally, our home will be clean again and I can start eating hot food for dinner. I have also decided to take home a hazmat safety outfit from work, so she'll even be able to clean the cat litter again! And of course I'll go back to doing what I do best, sitting on the couch, and directing her.

I've heard that during the third trimester women can become very uncomfortable because they get so big. This won't be a problem for me because I've already made arrangements with her mother, she'll be staying over there for the last three months. Meanwhile I'll be living the life of a bachelor again. I'll probably even have a poker night, and you can bet your sweat ass that I'll definitely be drunk and high for most of the last three months. Also, I'll be sure to start smoking again, probably as soon as I drop her pregnant ass off at my mother in laws house.

The last barrier that I'll need to cross is finding a private clinic to have this baby at. Hospitals are too fussy about certain things for my taste. My plan is to be smoking a cigar in the waiting room while my wife is having the baby. I hope she doesn't expect me to be in there with her, I mean I've already changed the cat litter at least three times since she became pregnant. I've done my part.

Far Out

I'm pretty tired this morning. As a result of being exhausted, I was debating on leaving my last post up on top for one more day, but the show must go on! It's only fair. I mean there's always something poignant to write about, isn't there?

I bet most of you don't remember this gem from Sid and Marty Kroft, Far Out Space Nuts, starring Bob Denver and Wade Phillips. Wade was actually credited on this show under the pseudo-name Chuck Mccan, but all of us Football fans know exactly who Chuck Mccan really is. Also, most people associate Sid and Marty Kroft with shows like Land of The Lost, HR Puff-n-Stuff and even Sigmund the Sea Monster, but not me!

Far Out Space Nuts is truly the best Sci-Fi show of all time. It puts feldercarb like Battlestar Galactica, Star Trek and Buck Rogers to shame. Unfortunately, the critics didn't feel the same way about Far Out Space Nuts, and the live action Saturday morning cartoon only lasted 16 episodes (It was probably cancelled by the same fuckers that cancelled My So Called Life). Phillips essentially played the part of the Skipper on this show. The only other thing that really needs to be said about Far Out Space Nuts is that Bob Denver was probably high as a kite while filming all 16 episodes. Man I miss Bob Denver.

Leave it to Beaver

The last time I was in New Jersey was around November 5th. I was there on vacation doing a little painting and visiting friends, and family. Allyson (my wife) couldn't make the trip because of her teaching schedule. It was the first time that she didn't go with me in about three years. Allyson was completely distraught about not being able to go with me to New Jersey, because she fully comprehends the greatness that is the Garden State. How would you feel if your significant other was in New Jersey, and you were left all alone in a God-forsaken state like Kentucky for example? Exactly... but Allyson is a very strong person, and managed to go on with her life, despite the fact that I was going to be gone for an entire week.

On the second day of my vacation, Kim Jong Ramone, and I were pulling out of a parking garage in New York at about 1:30 in the morning when Allyson called, "Corky...I need to tell you something". I could tell by the serious tone of her voice that it was something big. My heart started beating really fast! Finally after a long pause from Allyson I said, "What is it"! She finally told me, "I think I'm pregnant". Kim Jong Ramone knew immediately what was going on. I'm not sure if it's because I was sitting right next to him in the car or because of the biggest shit eating grin I've ever had on my face. Still, it sucked to be 730 miles away from my wife when hearing about this news for the first time, but I finally understood what it must have been like for a sailor fighting in World War 2 to discover that his wife was pregnant.

Allyson waited for a couple of weeks to tell her parents, and her close friends about the good news. Me? I told the parking garage attendant while Kim Jong Ramone was paying him. I stayed in NJ for a couple of more days, doing a paint job for Willsix and telling my parents and close friends about the news. Flash forward to today, and somehow Allyson is 10 weeks pregnant, and here I am today sharing this wonderful news with you, and the rest of the world.

Allyson has had a pretty rough bout with morning sickness. Up until about two days ago, she's been throwing up two to three times a day. She has also been nauseous most of the time, and can not stand the smell of anything. Allyson has also been reading a couple different books, and visiting tons of websites about pregnancy. Really she's been great about the morning sickness. A real soldier that Allyson. I on the other hand have been doing nothing, but fantasising. My favorite question to ask Allyson on a daily basis is, "What are you going to do if you wind up with two or three little Corkys"? Then I start marching around our home pretending that there's three of us, and of course we're all dressed the same, just like in The Royal Tenenbaums.

On a more serious note it still feels very surreal to me. I'm flooded with tons of emotions all day long, most of them being very happy, but obviously there is fear involved too. "Make sure you hold the railing when you walk down the stairs Allyson", but I try not to dwell on those types of feelings. I'm really happy and excited for us.

I think the picture I used for this post is perfect. I'm not tyring to project any feeling about wanting only boys. It more represents how perfect our family is going to be. There will be no dysfunction in our house hold! That kind of stuff can stay in Eddie Haskell, Gilbert and Whitey's homes, and if we happen to have a little girl that will be great too, I'm sure she will make lots of friends after I enroll her at the convent when she turns 16.

On the other hand

I Love Donna Reed. I really love Donna Reed! Clearly, the most beautiful woman ever conceived by the midichlorians. Just imagine what it must have been like in heaven the day that she died? St. Peter must have said something like this, "Jesus Christ! He didn't even make this much of a fuss when his own son died".

It's a Wonderful life is the cream of the crop when it comes to Christmas movies. There has never been a better one made. Ever. Holy shit... I just has the scariest thought of my life! What if Hollywood announced that It's a Wonderful Life was being remade, starring Ben Affleck as George Bailey, and Jessica Simpson as Mary Hatch Bailey...

Believe it or not, there are still people on this planet who refuse to watch It's a Wonderful Life. Why? I don't know. I personally know at least two these heathens. One of them we all know very well, and the other one is my wife's best friend, Erika. What's up with that? It just doesn't make any sense. Is it because of the title or the fact that the movie is in black and white? Please explain your aversion to this movie. I want it for the record.

For those of you with a personality and strong moral fiber, I think you'll find it interesting that there's a cameo from Alfalfa Sweitzer in this movie. He's the guy who opens the pool up while George and Mary are dancing in the gymnasium. That tidbit of information comes from one of the few special features on the It's a Wonderful Life DVD. There are also a couple of trailers and a documentary or something.

How can I end this post with out talking about Jimmy Stewart? I can't. He's great. One of the finest actors in the history of film. Willsix does a really mean Jimmy Stewart, and there is no greater feeling in the world then running through the streets of Louisville or Washington DC in December, drunk as a skunk at 2 o'clock in the morning, while screaming out, "Merry Christmas you old builiding and loan! Merry Christmas Bedford Falls!

Hot Dog Surprise

After experimenting with many different Hot Dog brands, I've finally settled on Ball Park Franks (made with Beef, Pork, Turkey, and other things that I don't like to think about). My brand in New Jersey was Weaver, but I can't find them in Kentucky and I'm pretty sure that my taste buds are now completely partial to Ball Park.

Five minutes ago, I was going to write a Hot Dog cook book. The name of the book was going to be Hot Dog Surprise. Hot Dog Surprise is a concoction that I've perfected throughout the years. It consists of an unspecified number of Hot Dogs, chili beans, cheddar or mozzarella cheese, and a secret ingredient (rice, that's the big fucking surprise). My second recipe for the book was called Hot Dog Egg-stravaganza. Consisting of an unspecified amount of Hot dogs, scrambled eggs and rice. My wife found this particular recipe to be utterly disgusting, but she likes Hot Dog Surprise. Both recipes have a jingle that I sing while I'm cooking either of them.

Some rules that I live by as far as Hot Dogs are concerned:

1. I do not eat beef franks unless It is a chili cheese dog, and outside of my home.
2. Hot dog buns never cross the threshold of my home, unless I'm hosting a barbecue.
3. I prefer my Hot Dogs to be either boiled or nuked.
4. I make an exception to rules number 1 and 3 when I'm camping.
5. I only buy Ball Park franks.

At this point you're probably wondering why I never wrote my book about hot dogs. Unfortunately, I could only come up with 3 recipes and two jingles for my book. My third recipe with Hot Dogs is an unnamed concoction that consists of an unspecified amount of hot dogs, spaghetti and ketchup. I also discovered that a hot dog cook book had already been written by some other freak, but it's okay. I've moved on with my life. Really.

Two other book projects that I've also had to scrap: Turning everyday household items into spittoons and Pot, an Empty cigarette pack, a roll of scotch tape and you.

Barbecue

Back in the old days when I was a youngin, Home Box Office was the only game in town. Every kid in town would come into school Monday morning, brainwashed from the weekend programming offered by HBO. There were plenty of seedy movies on at 3:00 am on Friday and Saturday nights. Movies like Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and Valley Girl are good examples of all the wonderful programming offered by HBO back in the day. Yes, we all worshiped Jeff Spicoli, it's true. He was awesome, totally awesome, but we also had another Hero that was exclusively found on HBO during primetime, Emmett Otter.

Emmett Otter is clearly Jim Henson's finest muppet (that's obviously saying a lot). Please tell me that you have seen Emmett Otter's Jugband Christmas. The greatest Christmas special of all time! Better then Charlie Brown and the Cold and Heat Miser brothers put together. Most of the music in Emmett Otter's Jugband Christmas is fantastic, and there is no disputing the fact that Jim Henson was truly a magician. If you're the kind of person that doesn't have a soft spot in your heart for Jim Henson then I suggest you move to a mountain and start eating trash, and just to give you a heads up, you're heading straight to hell when you die.

Make sure to check out Emmett Otter's Jugband Christmas sometime this month. In the meantime please enjoy this rock video from You Tube.

Draft

Preamble: In a continuous effort to improve the quality of this blog, I realized that Corky's log was in desperate need of a constitution. Why? Because all great things have a constitution like America, the Legion of Superheroes, the Boyscouts and now Corky's Log. This is not the final Preamble, or any kind of preamble at all! I'm asking that Willsix deletes this dribble as soon as he replaces it with a Preamble that puts Thomas Jefferson's to shame. That should be a fairly easy task for Willsix to accomplish sometime next week while he is at work.

Article 1 - The Contributors

Section 1 - Captain Corky: Most of the content that you read on Corky's log comes from my brain. My brain is a real neat place. It puts most drugs and amusement parks to shame. It has been scientifically proven that you will never suffer any long term side affects to your mental health from reading Corky's thoughts, and more then likely you will never throw up from reading Corky's log either.

Section 2 - Willsix: Willsix is the eyes, ears and throat of this institution. His posts and comments are hilarious. It is also his responsibility to keep order around here. In other words he is the judge, jury and executioner of Corky's log, but I don't think he has had to put anyone out of their misery. Yet.

Section 3 - The Birdman33: The Birdman is synonymous with the name Captain Corky. Under most of my blogs you will find his name directly under mine and vice versa. In real life, The Birdman is the Eddie Haskell to my Wally Cleaver. The Birdman is generally good for two or three bird droppings under every post, and has even posted once or twice on Corky's log.

Section 4 - Ms. Tuesday: I have never met Ms. Tuesday face to face. Through our very different association with The Birdman, I have become friends with her. She is the technical advisor for this blog. Think of her this way: Every Captain Merrill Stubbing needs a Julie McCoy. The new look of this Love boat wouldn't float with out her. Yeah. Also, I'm pretty sure that Ms. Tuesday never developed a coke habit unlike Lauren Tewes.

Article 2 - Roll Call
If you read Corky's log, most likely your name or the name of your blog, depending on length, has already been added to the Roll Call. Since I don't read the paper or watch the news, it is your sole responsibility to keep me informed on everything that happens outside of my perfect little world. I thoroughly enjoy stalking, and reading your blogs on a daily basis and I hope you feel the same way about mine. It is also important to understand that I do not have a God complex, and I don't consider any of you to be my disciple's, but If I did, I think I'm doing a much better job then Jesus did. He only had 12 or 13, and I have many more links then that.

Article 3 - Secret Origins
No Marvel (or independent) comic book will ever represent the Secret Origin section of Corky's log! I understand that Marvel has done a far superior job in the Motion picture industry then DC has up to this point. Chance are DC will never pull their heads out of their asses and make a Green Lantern movie or a Legion of Superheroes television show on the CK(or whatever UPN is calling itself these days) but I'm ok with that. Nothing beats sitting on the couch reading an Aquaman comic while my wife reads... any old book. Well, I know that having sex with her is much better. I could probably come up with a few more things that I find better then reading an Aquaman comic, but you get the point. The Secret Origins section are stories that I first wrote about my life long friends when I started this blog. I could probably do a much better job of writing those stories now, but would you go and rewrite the first issue of Superman, of course you wouldn't.

Article 4 - Archives
I need to come up with a better name then archives. Perhaps reprints or reruns, haven't decided or given it that much thought. I'll work on that. There are some really shitty stories in the Archives, but more importantly there are some real gems. One night when your board, pour yourself a drink or make yourself a pot of coffee, light a candle and read the archives, maybe when it is snowing outside. Indulge yourself, you deserve it!

Article 5 - Comments
Anybody who reads my blog can leave a comment! The only comments I ever delete are the ones left by spammers and comments that I find offensive (there isn't much that I find offensive).

Article 6 - Amendments
Anyone who is linked to this blog, knows me personally or is a contributor can propose an amendment. That doesn't mean it will be added! We'll take all proposed amendments under very serious consideration. If you notice that your proposed amendment has not been added to the Constitution feel free to E-mail me for an explanation, or you can request a copy of your free credit report from Experion.

Your Lack Of Faith Disturbs Me

Because the good Captain is already getting into his festive mood, I feel as though I should join in on the fun. Plus, all this Christmas talk will undoubtedly continue to piss off the Grumbler, which can only be a good thing.

And so, because it is The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year^TM, and because my love of this blog is only surpassed by a few things, and one of them is Star Wars, I present you with this humble clip - truly the greatest gift George Lucas has ever given us:

That's only part 1, folks. I dare you to watch the other nine. Seriously, go ahead. I triple dog dare you.

Countdown

First of all, I had to beat the Birdman to this post, but I'm sure at some point closer to December 25th he'll have his own take on this movie. Love Actually is the best Christmas movie to come out since A Christmas story. A Christmas story came out in 1983, and Love Actually came out in 2003. For those of you who don't have a calculator handy, that's 20 years folks. A long time in the life span of we human beings. If you have not seen this movie yet, get out of your cave and rent it. It's a master piece.

Generally speaking I don't have much use for Hugh Grant, but I liked him a lot in this movie. What was your favorite story line in this epic? Really all of the stories are good in Love Actually. I made the mistake of renting this movie out, free of charge, to some good friends of ours about 6 months ago. I doubt that they have watched it yet, and time is running out for them. I need this movie back ASAP! I don't want to have to kill them so they had better return it immediately.

That's really all I'm going to say about Love Actually, because I don't want to spoil anything for those of you that have not seen it yet. There will be a quiz on December 26th so make sure that you're prepared.

I'm in a really good mood today, I'm not even sure why. I just am. I am enjoying all the new friends that have been coming to the Log lately. It's been really fun getting to know ya'all. Something I've been thinking about lately is how easy it is to become desensitized during this time of the year. With all the commercials, movies, music, and Corky ramming this holiday down your throat, I can kind of understand how it could happen. Not for me gang. I love this holiday and by the end of this glorious month you will understand why. From what I can tell, most of you people are Christmas freaks too, and If you're not Corky and company will crack you. That's what we're here for.

The Choir: Gee Corky, what are we going to do today?

Corky: Same thing we do every day, try to take over the world.