Sunday, June 11, 2006

Pollution from a Barn Swallow's point of view

Congratulations are in order for New York, Newark New Jersey and Bridgeport Connecticut. Let me be the first one to congratulate you on your achievment, a three way tie for number 9 on the Forbes most polluted cities in America list.

California has the distinction of having the top 5 most polluted cities in America. Have you ever gone into a home depot and bought a tube of caulk or a can of stain killer or even glue? A lot of these products have warning labels on them that say something to the affect of, Warning: this product is known to cause cancer by the state of California. I wonder if they put a similar warning on thier residental drivers licenses out there. Warning: Living in the state of California is known to cause cancer by the state of California. Fucking Hypocrites.

Anyway, that is why my wife and I chose to spend one of our vactaions in the north east. We wanted to see the smog and the pollution for ourselves. Watching shooting starts and seeing clear skies at night gets real old real fast. What better way to see all the congestion then to drive along the senic highways of New Jersey, New York and Connecticut. It seems in our haste to smell the waste we forgot to factor in the cost of emission, and as a result we didn't have any money for tolls.

Every time i reached a new toll booth i would get increasingly angrier. At first i tried throwing a can of Copenhagen down the change basket, but the can was too big. The next thing i tried was throwing ciggaretts at the person in the toll booth as i drove by. Finnaly when i got to the the Tapanzee bridge i confronted one of these toll collecters. This basicly is how our conversation went,

Captain Corky: What are you people doing? Your making me late to Lucia's daughter's birthday party!

Toll Booth Willie: I'm sorry sir, but we have to collect money to pay for these roads.

Captain Corky: Why are you making me spend my hard earned money on carbon monoxide and pot holes? I allready spent 60 bucks on that, this week. I need to be up in Connecticut eating Ice cream cake and driving around town with Reggie and Patsy and Matt. I don't have time for this.

Toll Booth Willie: I'm sorry sir, I only work here, i don't make the ruels.

Captain Corky: Fuck you

Perhaps the next time someone from the east coast expresses disdain for cigarette smoke, I will rip off one of those giant smoke stacks from a factory and point it in their face and ask, "Is this more to your liking?"


willSIX said...

Fair enough...but that's what happens when more then 7 people live in the same state. Sometimes, it gets crowded.

Oh yeah, and the paint and the stain and the caulk and all the other stuff you buy at the Home Depot...gotta get made somewhere...might as well be Harrison, NJ.

Oh, and the gas you used to power your car all the way up I-95 only to stiff us hard working tri-staters by not paying the tolls to fix our roads...well, somebody's gotta refine it. Might as well be Elizabeth, NJ.

Now, I know you prefer to live in a place where the #1 state export is fucking baseball bats and the #2 export bats. And we all know it's cool to hate us city folk, what with all our highways and bypasses and silly regulations (and toll booths). But is it really too much to ask that you at least be a little appreciative that we sacrifice our lungs and our golden years so you hayseeds can paint houses, drive pickups, and chew tobaccky?

Perhaps, but for what it's worth:

You're welcome.

p.s. - two last words for you, old chum: The Boss

cotton chopper said...

Well put my friend. Along with chewing tobacco, painting houses and driving pickup trucks, you forgot to mention that we also fuck our cousins. :)

willSIX said...

You know, I was going to mention that, with appropriate references to Jerry Lee Lewis, et al.

But I thought it might be...a little, well, over the top.

Anonymous said...

How's this for a new New Jersey state motto: "New Jersey: even our amog is better"?

Anonymous said...

smog, that is

another NJ alum said...

hey willSIX, nicely handled.

got a question for you, corky: do you think that all the trucks delivering goods to and from NYC, Phil, DC, Balt, and Boston should be allowed to pollute our once pristine NJ air without being made to pay some kind of fee?

think of the tolls as the pollution fee for transporting goods and people up and down the eastern seaboard. much in the same way that tobacco is taxed as a cancer fee.

captain corky said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
captain corky said...

First of all, I would like to thank all of you for taking the time to post your comments on the back pages of this comic book.

NJ Alum, You raise a good point as well. Let me take it under consideration.

willSIX said...

If my comments appear next to the ads hawking X-Ray Specs and ordained ministries, I can truly die a happy man.

NJ Alum, that's a good way of looking at it, although, truth be told, the denizens of NJ end up contributing the lion's share of the toll fees. That's essentially fair, as the fees are used to maintain the roads, bridges, tunnels, and god awful traffic circles that make our little Garden State the asphalt-paved slice of heaven that it is.