Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Every year at Christmas time I find myself wishing for the same thing...a brand of gum that won't lose it's fucking flavor! Every year with out fail I'm let down. I primarily chew Trident Splash with a strawberry and lime goo in the middle. I also chew almost every flavor of Extra. These two brands of gum are best. They stay soft and hold their flavor a lot longer then any other gum I have ever chewed.
Gum is very important to me. I chew gum all the time, just like that little shit, Violet Beauregard. One of my biggest pet peeves is professional bad breath people, and I certainly don't want to be perceived as a person who has know regard for the scent of his own breath. Call me an unrefined cow because of the way I slobber all over a piece of gum, that's fine. Just realize that you will never have to offer me one of your precious fucking mints.
Besides right before a kiss, I have found that the most important time to chew a piece of gum is during a meeting at work. I make sure that the presenter of any meeting I'm sitting in is fully aware that I have a piece of gum in my mouth. Sometimes I chew with my mouth open, and when I really don't have any respect for the presenter or the subject matter, I start cracking my gum. It's my little passive aggressive way of telling the presenter to go fuck him or her self. "I'm sorry, I haven't heard a word you've said, I'm to busy chewing on this here piece of gum instead of listening to you".
What about the dentists? One time a dentist told me I was really too old not to be flossing. He was just saying this because he had a god complex, and wanted me to quit chewing tobacco. I told him that I didn't care about his opinion and I could easily find 4 other dentists that would say that they prefer chewing Trident gum to flossing. It even says so on the pack!
Despite all this cynicism I'm not going to give up on my Christmas wish. I know that one day my wish will come true, and I will fill complete contentment on Christmas day. After all that's what Christmas is about, isn't it? Gum.