Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Christmas Wish



Every year at Christmas time I find myself wishing for the same thing...a brand of gum that won't lose it's fucking flavor! Every year with out fail I'm let down. I primarily chew Trident Splash with a strawberry and lime goo in the middle. I also chew almost every flavor of Extra. These two brands of gum are best. They stay soft and hold their flavor a lot longer then any other gum I have ever chewed.

Gum is very important to me. I chew gum all the time, just like that little shit, Violet Beauregard. One of my biggest pet peeves is professional bad breath people, and I certainly don't want to be perceived as a person who has know regard for the scent of his own breath. Call me an unrefined cow because of the way I slobber all over a piece of gum, that's fine. Just realize that you will never have to offer me one of your precious fucking mints.

Besides right before a kiss, I have found that the most important time to chew a piece of gum is during a meeting at work. I make sure that the presenter of any meeting I'm sitting in is fully aware that I have a piece of gum in my mouth. Sometimes I chew with my mouth open, and when I really don't have any respect for the presenter or the subject matter, I start cracking my gum. It's my little passive aggressive way of telling the presenter to go fuck him or her self. "I'm sorry, I haven't heard a word you've said, I'm to busy chewing on this here piece of gum instead of listening to you".

What about the dentists? One time a dentist told me I was really too old not to be flossing. He was just saying this because he had a god complex, and wanted me to quit chewing tobacco. I told him that I didn't care about his opinion and I could easily find 4 other dentists that would say that they prefer chewing Trident gum to flossing. It even says so on the pack!

Despite all this cynicism I'm not going to give up on my Christmas wish. I know that one day my wish will come true, and I will fill complete contentment on Christmas day. After all that's what Christmas is about, isn't it? Gum.

35 comments:

HoosierGirl5 said...

Oh Corky...I'm so disappointed. How could you put a classic Charlie Brown picture of Christmas up and put the word "f-ing" in the paragraph below it? Have you no respect at all for the Christmas classics? (Sigh)

No, Corky, GUM is NOT what Christmas is all about. Really.

Merry Christmas.
J.

captain corky said...

J, I hope I'm not on the naughty list now.

Metal Mark said...

I chew gum a lot too. It's a habit that started when I quit smoking years ago. I have to talk a lot at my job so chewing gum here and there keeps my breth from stinking at work.

Kim Jong Ramone said...

Corky you should combine your two loves. Chew and gum. You my friend need to pick up some big league chew.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_League_Chew

captain corky said...

KJR: I knew I would forget something, my hatred for sugar gum!

Mark: Welcome to the tribe.

karma lennon said...

I too am a gum addict. I go through a pack a day. Have you tried that new gum...can't remember what's it's called...that's supposed to last for like days?

captain corky said...

Never heard of it Karma, if you find out what it's called, let me know.

Pixie said...

I love my gum and yes extra is the best.

RockDog said...

Bad breath is, well, bad! But I make it a rule never to chew anything...anything...with "goo" in the middle.

captain corky said...

That's a pretty good philosophy to live by Rockdog.

Pixie: The more I get to know you the better I like you.

Lady K said...

Don't take this the wrong way, but I don't like things with "goo" in the middle, either. Well, "certain" things, sure. Gum? NO. My favorite flavor is cinnamon. Then spearmint, then peppermint. You can keep the fruity shit, although once in awhile a nice piece of cherry hubba bubba works. I LOVE to crack my gum, especially if I know it annoys people. And blowing bubbles? AWESOME. I hope you get your wish this year, Cork.

captain corky said...

Me? Take something the wrong way? Never K. Do they still make Hubba Bubba? Sugar gum that doesn't stick to your mouth when you blow bubbles? Impossible!

HoosierGirl5 said...

No, you're not on the naughty list, but I WILL recommend to your wife that you get a spanking! (grin)

Yeah, I'm "around". Why?

J.

captain corky said...

J: Just making sure that you don't miss out on all the fun coming up.

Yasamin said...

i used to love gum. i used to be addicted to it. then i started to get heart burn from it. serious insultingly painful freaking (fucking!!!) heartburn.

chewing had convinced my tummy that i was eating and i needed more acid to digest it... well you know where it goes from there.

now... i live off of mints. i miss gum.

and big league chew is the best freaking gum on earth.

ps where am i sending your damned scarf man?

captain corky said...

E-mail me sister, and I will give you the details, and talk dirty to you and stuff.

Nonny said...

I think the gum you are looking for is called "Stryde" or something like that. It is suppose to last forever. I can't chew gum due to TMJ. I haven't had a piece of gum in almost 16 years. Does that freak you out? I do use mints though, because I hate bad breath also. I only eat wintergreen.

captain corky said...

No it doesn't Nonny. All is forgiven due to your medical condition. Wintergreen Tic Tacs are approved.

HoosierGirl5 said...

Okaaaayyy.... (she types with a nervous twitch).

I was looking for your e-mail...how can I reach you?
My e-mail is Carmichael205@yahoo.com.
J.

captain corky said...

If you click on my profile there is an e-mail address J.

Big Pissy said...

Hubba Bubba?!?!?

I used to LOVE that!

I'm gonna get some today!

captain corky said...

Pissy: Didn't Hubba Bubba offer Blue berry as a flavor?

Life, or Something Like It said...

My girls want gum in their Christmas stockings every year. That's pretty much all they want. They average about 20 packs each. I wonder if they would have some advice about which gum lasts the longest?
A wish for gum that lasts....

Heidi on Vashon said...

I am anti gum for the kids, but all for it if you're gonna go tongue first into someone's mouth.
Get that gum going and jump under the mistletoe, baby!

captain corky said...

Life: Gum always makes a great gift!

Heidi: Yummy!

Sunshine said...

"that little shit Violet Beauregard"... too funny.
Thanks for stopping by my blog, I'll have to bookmark you.
Save me the time I don't have and give me the Cliff's Notes version, first baby on the way or did I misinterpret below post?

captain corky said...

You nailed it Sunshine. First baby on the way.

Yasamin said...

*blushes madly*

willSIX said...

I don't chew gum for the same reasons as Nonny. I clench my jaw when I'm stressed...and I'm essentially always stressed. Chewy-bread sandwiches are enough to make my jaw ache for days, so you can see where gum might not work out so well for me. For awhile I fell in love with those Listerine breath strips that require no tongue-action whatsoever - the ultimate in lazy breath freshening! Sadly, they never worked all that well.

Now, I just brush my teeth before I leave the office to go to class. Works about as well as anything else.

As for professional bad breath, tell me about it. I've seen guys who can stink up an entire bus just by breathing. One time I told a guy on a PATH train he had to turn his head or I was going to throw up. True story.

The Adult in Question said...

I chew gum all the time. I'm always the person at work with gum and for some reason people expect me to share.

Dan said...

I think you're just going to have to fill the void and go into business manufacturing your own perpetually-flavored gum.

Let me know when you need testers.

Steven Novak said...

There's no such thing as a gum that won't lose it's flavor...

It's a pipe dream Cork! A PIPE DREAM I TELL YA!!

GIve up now or spend the rest of your life with an empty sadness... ;)

Steve~

Tod said...

This could be the year corky...you never know!

Pud said...

I can't stand bad breath either. Chew on my fresh smelling breath friend!

TheBirdman33 said...

Gum hurts my teeth after a very short time. No matter how good I take care of them, how often I go to a dentist, it is still gonna mess with me.
I do keep some brand of peppermint in the center console of my car almost always and one in my CD box for DJing. For the exact reason, of having to walk up to the bride after dinner and tell her what is on the agenda and not wanting to have Prime Rib breath.
=)

Gotz to keep it professional.