Soup That Eats Like A Meal

Did you know that a can of Chunky Beef with Country Vegetables only has 300 calories per can? This is an amazing discovery! I've been eating this soup as long as I can remember, and when I go a real long time without eating it I start to crave it. I'm talking months people, and sometimes even years.

When I was a kid I used to eat Chunky Beef almost every Saturday at 6:00 o'clock while I watched Star Trek. Greatest show in the history of television! But you already knew that of course. Nothing like feeding my head with a double dose of brain food.

Ever since Donovan Mcnabb and Matt Hasselbeck's milf started doing Chunky Soup commercials grocery stores and supermarkets like Foodtown think they can plow in to me by charging 2 dollars and twenty five cents a can. Fuck you Foodtown! Captain Corky is much slicker than that you greedy bastards. I buy my Chunky Beef at Target for a buck twenty five a can. I also buy all of my furniture, clothes, laundry detergent, picnic supplies, and power tools at Target. They make it real easy and only charge me 19 percent interest on my Target Credit card. I even got to pic the color of my card. What a store!

Anyway, I'm was thinking about going on the Captain Corky inspired Chunky stew diet. 5 cans a day... That would be 1500 calories daily. Perfect! The only drawback to going on a diet like this would be that by my third can of the day hypertension will have set in, and by the fith can I will have died of a stroke because of the Salt content. I can't catch a break! I guess it's back to tasteless, sugarless, fatless Shredded Wheat tomorrow. Yum! I can't wait.

AFC TITLE GAME

Last night at approximately 8:00 pm eastern standard time Allyson, and I were all packed up and ready to sneak out of town (in Baltimore Colt like fashion). It wasn't because we were evicted or any kind of rubbish like that. I was fed up with routing for losers. The Colts were down 21-6 at halftime, and I had this nagging feeling that I was going to hear nothing but I told you so from everybody I know, and their brother. My plan was that before I took my first phone call or looked at my first e-mail I would be living on a beech in Cape Cod, and looking for work on a fishing boat.

I would have been on the road by halftime if it weren't for my cat. The fat but beautiful bastard (Fonzie) snuck into the crawl space, and I couldn't get him out. Looking back on the incident I now realize that It was divine intervention! By the time I managed to get Fonzie out, the Colts were only down by 8. So I sat back down on the couch to continue watching the game that was no longer out of reach for the greatest quarterback who ever lived, Peyton Manning.

After the Colts had tied the game up at 21 all, I looked over at my wife, and said, "I think the Patsies might have blown their load in the first half". The third and fourth quarter of the AFC championship was amazing, and I only remember watching two other football games that were ever as exciting. 1. When the Bills, who were down to the Oilers 35 to 3 at halftime, came back to win 41 to 38. The second game was when John Elway, and the Broncos ended the NFC's 13 year Superbowl winning run by beating Holmgren and Favre..

Watching Belichick and Brady lose last night was just about the best thing I've seen all year. I do realize that it's not over yet (football season not the year). There's still one more game to play. Peyton Manning, and the Colts still have to go up against Rex Manning, and the Bears in the Super Bowl. If this game were being played in the snow in Chicago I might be worrying about it, but it's not. It's going to be played in Sunny Florida. I like the Colt's chances, a lot!

It sucks that I had to leave my pregnant wife at home to unpack the moving van, and move all of our furniture back into the apartment by herself but I was already 15 minutes behind schedule and needed to be at work.

Here we go again

For those of you that are new to the Log, the early 90's was a pretty rough time period in my life. I was in my early 20's and doing a lot of drinking, drugs and other anti-social behaviors. I was a real miscreant. Don't get me wrong, I had some very wonderful experiences with Acid, but by the end of a very quick run, the life style that I was leading was getting the best of me.

I wound up spending my 21st birthday in a rehab. Can you believe that? Fun loving, beer guzzling Captain Corky not in a bar on his 21st birthday? Yep, life is funny like that. In rehab I spent a lot of time analyzing my behaviors of the past and trying to get to the route cause of why I was using drugs and destroying my life. I wound up staying sober for four years but I never came up with any answers. My life improved a bit, but I still felt very empty inside (therapy terminology). I was lost.

Then one late Summer day sometime during the mid 90's, I was out in a farm in western Maryland with some good friends, and I held aloft a mighty beer can, poured it down my throat, and cried out "By the power of Budweiser", and I was magically transformed into Captain Corky. Born again! Given the choice between feeling dead, and sober the rest of my life or being a drunken slob, and feeling alive, I'll take the liquor every time. But still I didn't have answers to my question.

It's now 1o years later, and let's just say that I have found my answers, and not through the church, a 12 step program, or a Tom Cruise controlled cult. If you are a person who has found your answers through a 12 step program or Church and god, than I am very happy for you. If you've found your answers through a Tom Crusie controlled Cult then your a schmuck!

I've omitted 10 years of testimony from this post in order to keep it shorter. Plus there are lots of elements to that part of my life that I have not yet explored in great detail on this blog. I'm going to save that stuff for a rainy day or as the NFL likes to call it, the off season.
The reason there's pictures of Quarterbacks in this post is because I use them as mile markers for the road map of my life (Corny, I know).

PS. I watched the Bills lose four Super Bowls in a row. Very painful. It still hurts today. In 2000 I moved to Louisville KY, which is only 2 hours from Indianapolis, and I've been watching the Colts week in and week out ever since. This is Peyton's year. I'm reliving my Bills experience vicariously through the Colts. I won't be fooled again. Gulp!

PPS. For all you NFC fans check out this post I wrote before the season started about the Saints.

Like A Rock

It's a sad day here in Corkyville. I just sent my 1983 Chevy s-10 to meet it's maker. Mine was a red stick shift, and had a phat custom made ladder rack. The tow truck driver who came to pick it up was eye balling the truck pretty hard. I think he might take if for himself. He probably thought I was a complete schmuck for getting rid of it. But who really cares what he thinks. Fuck him.

That Chevy s-1o got me through a really tough financial and emotional period in my life. I bought it about 6 months after I got divorced from my first wife for about 1000 bucks. Yuppies go to therapy after they get divorced. Barnswallows buy trucks, chew tobacco, and drink beer. The engine was held together with lots of duck tape, but I never really had too many problems with it until the end. I only put about 250 bucks in to it (excluding gas), and very rarely got the oil changed. Maybe twice in 4 years. A fact I'm very proud of!

I used the truck to haul ladders from paint job to paint job. My paint company was pretty successful. I only advertised about three times a year and got most of my business from Republicans. Democrats in Kentucky paint their own houses. I did pretty good but I was working 18 + hours a day with painting and my other job. I had to make a decision for the sake of my sanity, and decided to only paint for friends and really good customers.

Anyway, I haven't driven the truck since the beginning of Summer, and I was hoping to just let it disintegrate in the parking lot where I live, but Larry (The pain in ass super) told me that I was not allowed to have three vehicles, and has been annoying me to get rid of it for months. I finally did today. That truck will be missed.

Dreamgirls

Beyonce didn't win at the Golden Globes last night. How do I go on?

Last Friday night Allyson (the hero of our story) wanted me to go see Dreamgirls with her. Here's how our conversation went.

Act I

Allyson: Lets go see Dreamgirls tonight.

Corky: Isn't Beyonce in that?

Allyson: Yes

Corky: Sorry, I don't do Beyonce movies.

Allyson: Fine I'll go with out you.

After thinking about the fact that Allyson (who likes football) was going to put up with essentially 48 hours of non stop football, and the fact that she's pregnant, I decided I'd better go with her to see Dreamgirls.

Act II

In the car

Corky: You do realize that Beyonce is in this movie, right?

Allyson: Fuck you Corky!

Act III

Walking into the theatre
Corky: (Mumbling under my breath) I can't believe that I'm going to see a Beyonce movie

Allyson: What did you say?

Corky: Nothing dear...

Act IV
The drive home

Corky: That movie was amazing. Eddie Murphy better win an Oscar for his performance.

Allyson: Jenifer Hudson was amazing, Effie White was my favorite character.

Corky: Jamie Fox is incredible in everything he does.

Corky: This musical was 50 times better than Chicago! Not better than Grease 2 but definitely very good.

Corky: (sheepishly) Allyson?

Allyson: Yes, Corky?

Corky: You were right as usual, Dreamgirls was a really good movie.

Allyson: I know Corky

Corky: Can I have an ice cream cone when we get home?

Don't get me wrong, Beyonce is really beautiful. Right after I quit dipping I had a little problem... My salivary glands were still producing an inordinate amount of saliva, and It was hard for me to go out in public because I was drooling on myself constantly. I finally realized that by looking at a picture of Beyonce for a couple of minutes I could drain just enough drool ( about a milk jug's worth) in order to function in society for a couple of hours. Enough time to go to work and get my stuff done etc.

But isn't it just a little more than coincidental that Beyonce was playing a character loosely based on Dianna Ross? Didn't Beyonce take a moment to think about this before she accepted the role of Deena Jones? Dreamgirls paints Dianna Ross in a little more favorable light then what history does but that's Hollywood. We all know the truth Beyonce. I mean Beyonc'e. Damn, I hate when I do that!

Doctors visit

Yesterday Allyson and I went to our third Doctors visit which lasted maybe 5 minutes. All is well. Our next visit is scheduled for February 14th and that's when we'll learn the gender of our baby. Very good stuff.

I am extremely happy with our doctor and the service and treatment that we've been receiving at B Hospital East. It's been a really pleasant experience. I only have one complaint so far... Yesterday while we were waiting for our appointment I had a hard time finding something to read. I wound up reading an article in a women's music magazine about the worlds most famous virgins throughout history. The two most notable people on this list were the Virgin Mary and Adolph Hitler.

Supposedly Hitter was a virgin when he died and suffered from major sexual dysfunction according to this magazine article. That contradicts information that I learned about him on the History channel. Something about him knocking up his cousin and her being put to death because of it. Jessica Simpson got an honorable mention in this article because she waited until after she was married before letting Nick Lachey rip into her.

Besides that fun magazine all the rest of the reading material focused on family and crafts. No thanks. I rely on Doctor's visits for my health, and fishing and hunting magazine articles. I don't hunt therefore I don't buy hunting magazines but I always like to catch up with all the innovative technology their using and adding to tree stands and scopes. I also like to marvel at healty 10 point bucks even though I have no desire to shoot one myself.

I do like to fish but usually it's in a polluted river right down the street from my house. I don't get to go on remote fishing trips in Alaska that cost 10,000 dollars a day, but usually I get to read about them 15 minutes before a doctor is going to stick his finger up my ass. I always look forward to that (reading those articles not Doc's finger). So after the baby is delivered and were checking out of the hospital, and I receive one of those forms that asks, "what could we have done better," I'm going to ask them to get some Field and Stream magazines in for when we come back in 12 months for round two.

All World Number One Champion

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Mike and Lenny for helping me deal with my minor hangover on New Year's day. I am such a lightweight these days... I used to be a real fucking pro. The number one champion drinker of all time! Now if I have more than a couple of beers I feel it the next day. Whatever happened to Corky?

I was living in DC when I achieved my status as number one drinker of all time. Every Sunday a mandatory case of beer to coincide with 12 hours of football. Happy hour at the bar 3 to 5 times a week starting at 3:30 and lasting some nights till 11 or 12. Yeah, I was a real drunk back in the day. When I couldn't come up with the money for a case of beer on Sundays I would gather up all my loose change, and by a cheap jug of whine for like 7 bucks. Good stuff.

At that time I rented a room from the former number one drinker of all time, Manny. Unfortunately the bottle got the better of Manny. By the time I had met him he was a former shell of his ignorant, racist, barnswallow (red neck) alcoholic self. Manny's brain worked on a loop (wet brain?). You knew exactly what Manny was going to say every time you spent more than 5 minuets with him. It was always fun beating him to his own stories. I lived with two other fucks in that house named Greg ( stuttering coke head) and Don (alcoholic with diabetes) who's brain also worked on a loop but was not as entertaining as Manny.

Between the four of us there was at least 4 cartons of cigarettes being smoked a week in that house and that is a very generous figure. I spent many hours on the porch of Manny's house drinking with these fellas and learning the history of the three streets that connect to Manny's street. A neighbour who was a degenerate gambler and drunk lived around the corner named Rick, but I really liked Rick, and have written about him before.

A couple of years later after I had moved to Kentucky and retired as number one world champion drinker of all time, I learned that Manny had died in his sleep... He was found by my former employer's son. The kid was poking Manny with a stick and yelling at him to get up. He didn't.

My entire experience at that house had nothing to do with me retiring as the all time greatest. Should it have been an eye opener? Probably. Was it? No. It took a lot of training to become the greatest of all time and I'm just too tired, and probably too old to start all that rubbish again. I think my wife and my parents like me better the way I am now, but every once in a while I make a public appearance as Corky, number one all world grand champion, for old time's sake.

Welcome 2007

This morning when I looked out my window as the sun was coming up, I noticed that the parking lot looked exactly the same as it did in 2006. Nothing had changed about it as far as I can tell. Take my truck for example, to my truck it's still 1983. The beast isn't even fuel injected. Corky driving around a vehicle in 2007 that's not fuel injected? That shit's not going to fly this year. Time to either donate the truck to Goodwill or blow it up in a field somewhere. I would really like to blow it up in the parking lot in front of Larry (superintendent) but seeing how it's my New Year's resolution to obey the law I'm going to discard it legally.

Speaking of the law, one that just went into affect in Kentucky yesterday is now they can pull a person over for not wearing a seat belt. I have a hard time believing that a police officer can see clearly enough into a car to determine if a person is wearing a seat belt or not. It's bullshit if you ask me. I do wear my seat belt but not because Kentucky tells me to, but because I value my life. Now I'm going to have to get my windows tinted because I don't need those freaks peering into my window for any reason, let alone to see if I'm wearing my seat belt.

Another thing I'm working on is a new theme for 2007. Last year's theme was 2006 The Year of Corky. That theme seems to work for me every year but I've decided to go in a different direction this year. I might go with 2007 Return of the Guido. House music all year long! Really becoming a Guido again for 2007 is all about wearing ribbed t-shirts from Structure. That means that I'll need to lose a little weight.

Another theme that I've been toying around is the Highway to Heaven model (I don't have a name for it yet). If I let my hair grow out I'm sure I can grow a wonderful top heavy mullet just like Landon's in the pic above. The Birdman can drive me around in a blue Malibu and we'll fix peoples lives. That would be fun and all that selflessness would get me in with the good Lord. There's so much to think about but unfortunately I won't have any time to really address any of these issues until February, after the Super Bowl.

Finally, the 2006 man of the year according to Corky, is Herman Edwards. Through his excellence in coaching the Kansas City Chiefs made the playoffs in 2006. What a way to close out a pretty good year for Captain Corky. Rumor has it that I'm 50 bucks wealthier heading into 2007. That's as good as any way to start a new year I think.

Vodka

Ever since Smirnoff started selling Vodka in plastic bottles my life has never been the same. While I'm driving home from the liquor store if the bottle happens to slip out of my hands while I'm driving, it's not the end of the world! No broken glass to clean up and chances are the bottle will bounce right back into my hands.

Vodka's always been my drink of choice except for a short phase that I was going through in the early 90's with Colt 45. OK maybe I like Budweiser sometimes too. Scotch and Tequila aren't bad when Vodka isn't an option. Either of these is an acceptable substitute, but Vodka is always my first choice. I don't go below the Smirnoff line. No rail Vodka for me... Unless it's in a jello shot or something ridiculous like that. I realize that there is smoother Vodka out there but Im in it for the plastic.

I'm also very appreciative to Smirnoff for realizing that at the end of the night there's nothing more comical then watching the bottle of Vodka you just threw at the TV bounce off. Kind of takes the sting out of your rage, know what I mean?

Happy New Years everyone! It's gonna be a good one.

auld lang syne

Some of you guys might remember this guy as Bo Duke from the Dukes of Hazard. I'm more familiar with some of his later work. In 1999 he stared as Michael Landon in "Michael Landon, the father I knew" written and Directed by Landon's son (obviously trying to cash in on his fathers fame). Despite the script with all of it's vicious lies about the nearly perfect Michael Landon, Bo did I mighty fine acting job in this one. It's always nice to see one those typcasted guys pull out of a 20 year rut.

Then in 2001 Mr. Bo Duke officially lost that moniker for ever when he was casted as Johnathon Kent on Smallville. Now when I look at this actor all I see is Jonathan Kent, and that's a good thing. I have no desire to look at Bo Duke ever again.

Jonathan Kent is one acquaintance I will never forget! How could I? For those of you that don't watch Smallville, Jonathon Kent died in the 100th episode of Smallville on February 2nd 2006. I also got a chance to watch him die in 1979 in "Superman The Movie (Please note that Glenn Ford was playing Pa Kent in Superman The Movie and not the Duke). I've also read countless issues of Superman(the comic books) where Jonathon inevitable dies. My heart can only take so much. One can only wonder how old I'll be the next time I see him die.

I'll be raising a glass to Jonathon Kent on New Years Eve. Your memory lives on through DVD my friend... until you meet your tragic end. Again.

Noel

For your viewing pleasure make sure to turn to TBS on Christmas day. A Christmas Story is a must to have on while preparing meals or opening presents. At some point during the day your going to get sucked into to watching this fabulous movie. It brings a tear to my eye every year, and I become very nostalgic for the Christmas's of my past and very hopeful for the Christmas's of my future.


Christmas past:
Every year Kim Jong Ramone and Mr. and Mrs. Kim Jong Ramone have the best Christmas Eve Party ever. You really should go over to KJR's blog and read about it from his point of view.

Back in the day we used to go over to Kim Jong Ramones and spend Christmas eve up in his bedroom. That's where we teenagers were relegated too and for good reason. KJR had a giant water bed that fit 50 and he had a bar in his bedroom. What kid has a fully stocked bar in his bedroom? You only see shit like that on TV, unless you happened to be friends with KJR. With KJR's vision and my personality we make for a great team, and that's why after the first year of attending the KJR family Christmas party it was renamed to the Captain Corky/Kim Jong Ramone Annual Christmas Regalia or Outing if you like.
I would spend the beginning of the night fighting with the Birdman over the remote and KJR would try to stick Smokey and the Bandit into the VCR while we were fighting. I was always the first to show up at the party, about 5 hours early, under the guise of coming over to help set up. It just so happens that I would have my first cocktail at about 3 in the afternoon. Then the Birdman would leave to go have Christmas Eve at his parent's house. They put up their tree every year on Christmas Eve and leave it up well into February. I put up my tree in early March and take it down right before the Super Bowl.

After the Birdman would leave, all sorts of people would come and go. The list of characters is almost endless. Craig Dickinson, Chino, Platt, Abby, Jenny, Karen, random girl friends of the month and KJR's cousin Noelle... just to name a few. By the end of the night some of us would be very drunk and all of us would be doing weird things on Lou's water bed.

I'm not going to talk about the food here, it's not my place. I'm leaving that for Kim Jong Ramone. Let's just say that his father and Aunt could cook like nobodies business! The Apologist would always show up in the nick of time to eat KJR's family out of house and home.

My favorite part of the night was around midnight when we would all go out and sit on KJR's roof and drink OR choose not to drink. Some years the snow would be falling, and it was just a perfect moment. I love listening to the silence of Christmas in the middle of the night. It's what makes this holiday so special for me. By about 4:am a drunken KJR, Captain Corky,The Apologist, and the sober Birdman would fight over the VCR again. By noon the next day we were up and ready to begin our Christmas day extravaganza. Truly good times.

Christmas Present:
This year is extra special for me and Allyson. It's going to be our last Christmas together alone. Next year Corky JR. will be with us. It's a very exciting time around here despite my poor wife's bout with morning sickness we'll do the usual stuff per SHOP (standard holdiay operating procedures) like opening presents after eating our traditional holiday breakfast of Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls and Coffee (decaf for Allyson this year).

We also exchange gifts with Erika (our roommate/Allyson's best friend/ my surrogate wife when Allyson is not around, and this doesn't mean she performs sexual favors for me you perverted freaks!) Then we'll go over to Al and Sharon's(in laws) and eat a nice holiday meal. Hopefully Al will never ask me to say Grace again. I think he learned his lesson the first time he asked me after he had to apologize to God for my lack of enthusiasm. It is now Mandatory that my mother makes it to Kentucky for Christmas every year starting next year, when ever I can't make it back to NJ because of work.

Christmas future: How the fuck do I know? I'm not a seer.

I've enjoyed getting to know everybody this year, it has been a blast! I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas and gets everything they wish or hope for, or at least very drunk.
"God bless us, everyone!"
Tiny Tim

Surviving the holidays alone

For those of you heathens that are having trouble getting into a festive mood just because your going to be alone this Christmas... I'm here to help. I'm going to help you manufacture some good old Christmas spirit. First of all you'll need to run out and buy Christmas with the Rat Pack. The Cd is incredible! Just like bottled water it's all about the packaging folks. These guys have been dead for some time now, and yet I find myself buying a new Rat Pack Christmas CD every year despite the fact that I have every single song on this particular Cd ten times over. Hey, was this album produced by George Lucas or what?

Since your spending Christmas alone this year, you'll have to buy a bottle of your favorite hard Liquor, beer won't cut it. Perhaps some Vodka or Scotch. I know that all the experts out there tell people to never drink alone, but fuck that! I've done some of my best drinking by myself. Plus a nice warm little buzz always helps you feel Christmas more. If you live alone, chances are you smoke. I've never met anyone who lives alone that doesn't smoke besides my grandmother. You won't have to listen to anyone bitch about your smoke or go outside because hey, It's just you, Frank, Dean and Sammy and they all smoked two to three pack a day. If you smoke light cigarettes upgrade to unfiltered cigarettes, or Newports. Don't be a wuss, it's Christmas!

Warning: Under no circumstance are you too answer the phone while spending Christmas by yourself! The last thing you want to do is here your friends and family laughing and having a good time. Fuck them, they don't know how to have real fun. Those sheep need other people to have fun. Not you!

After you have ignored three of four calls, smoked half a pack and are starting to see double, it's time to turn off the Rat Pack and watch It's a Wonderful Life or Miracle on 34th Street. Both movies are acceptable for surviving Christmas alone. Even though your alone it's nice to watch other people (as long as it's on television) getting their shit together. Hell, this could be the last time you ever drink or spend Christmas alone. Once or twice is enough for anybody! After watching one of the above mentioned movies you will decide that next year come hell or high water, your going to spend Christmas with somebody, anybody damn it. For those of you that are a little more ambitious you might even venture out to a bar at this point. Good for you! You'll either fine the same 7 schmucks you see at the bar 5 times a week or a couple of independent people just like you, and me. Either way you'll probably have a good time. Shit, somebody might even buy you a shot or two.

You might even have a spiritual conversion at some point during the night, If this happens call your local Church or call Alcoholic's Anonymous , and ask for Bill, he'll help you from this point forward. For the rest of you. You'll find that you didn't die, you enjoyed some good drink and music, and next year things are going to be diffrent!

Christmas Wish

Every year at Christmas time I find myself wishing for the same thing...a brand of gum that won't lose it's fucking flavor! Every year with out fail I'm let down. I primarily chew Trident Splash with a strawberry and lime goo in the middle. I also chew almost every flavor of Extra. These two brands of gum are best. They stay soft and hold their flavor a lot longer then any other gum I have ever chewed.

Gum is very important to me. I chew gum all the time, just like that little shit, Violet Beauregard. One of my biggest pet peeves is professional bad breath people, and I certainly don't want to be perceived as a person who has know regard for the scent of his own breath. Call me an unrefined cow because of the way I slobber all over a piece of gum, that's fine. Just realize that you will never have to offer me one of your precious fucking mints.

Besides right before a kiss, I have found that the most important time to chew a piece of gum is during a meeting at work. I make sure that the presenter of any meeting I'm sitting in is fully aware that I have a piece of gum in my mouth. Sometimes I chew with my mouth open, and when I really don't have any respect for the presenter or the subject matter, I start cracking my gum. It's my little passive aggressive way of telling the presenter to go fuck him or her self. "I'm sorry, I haven't heard a word you've said, I'm to busy chewing on this here piece of gum instead of listening to you".

What about the dentists? One time a dentist told me I was really too old not to be flossing. He was just saying this because he had a god complex, and wanted me to quit chewing tobacco. I told him that I didn't care about his opinion and I could easily find 4 other dentists that would say that they prefer chewing Trident gum to flossing. It even says so on the pack!

Despite all this cynicism I'm not going to give up on my Christmas wish. I know that one day my wish will come true, and I will fill complete contentment on Christmas day. After all that's what Christmas is about, isn't it? Gum.

Neil

This morning I was inspired to write a post about my experience living in Bayonne New Jersey after reading Rockdog's Move In Day post.

The second time I moved out of my parent's house I was like 23 or 24. I decided to move in with this kid named Neil and his older brother, Neil's older brother. I met Neil through a mutual friend, The Birdman, at a wellness camp called Tigs. Tigs stands for the Teen institute of the Garden State. A camp that promoted sobriety and healthy living as an alternative to drugs and alcohol. Sex was the only gray area that Tigs never really addressed... The Apologist and I were counselors for this organization for five minuets during a short bout of hysteria I like to call sobriety. The Birdman was a member of this organization for many years after Corky and the Apologist retired from sobriety.

Corky: Sorry dude, I can't make it to camp this year, I'm huffing gasoline out of brown paper bag right now.

Birdman: Your a dick!

Diclaimer: the joke up above was inspired by Kim Jong Ramone


A little about Bayonne the city: Neil and Neil's older brother rented a pretty nice house in Bayonne NJ. Bayonne I think would qualify as a city in New Jersey. According to the facts that I researched this morning for 2 minutes, 60,000 people live there, and 20 percent of them are Italians, 18 percent are Irish, and 17 percent are Polish. There was a really good dinner at the end of Neil's street, but I'm pretty sure that it was owned by a Greek guy. Greeks own all the dinners in New Jersey with the exception of the Ritz, a dinner in Livingston NJ owned by a Jewish woman (I think). If I made a pie chart of all the women I have dated in my life, it would pretty much coincide with the demographics of Bayonne. I dated a lot of Italian broads back in my day.

There were a lot of logistical issues that I didn't factor in at all when I decided to move to Bayonne. Bayonne was no where near where I worked. I had to commute one hour a day to my part time job. Stupid. I worked at night, and when I would finally get home from work there was never anywhere to park because people who live in Bayonne park on the street because there are no driveways. A good majority of Bayonne's citizens also work during the day so It was almost impossible to find a good parking space at 6 o'clock in the morning in Bayonne. So many days I would spend 45 minutes driving around the block looking for a parking space. Idiotic.

Niel and Neil's brother also worked during the day (which was good, because I didn't have to deal with them) but it presented problems with my life style. I couldn't do anything but go to my room when I got home from work because Neil and Neil's brother owned two deaf Dalmatians that weren't trained and spent 80 percent of their lives in cages in the Kitchen. So making something to eat was out of the question. The only time Neil ever spent any time with these dogs was when he was beating the shit out of them for barking. He'd pull them out of the cage, hit them and thrust them back into the cage. What a guy!

On my first day of living there, Neil gave me a key, introduced me to his brother and said welcome. Then he went to his room and shut the door. Neil's brother never came out of his bed room either. Neil spent most of his time at home in AOL chat rooms soliciting women. I don't know what Neils older brother was doing... The only time I saw him was when he was on his way to work in his suit.

One time I bought roses for a girl that I was dating (not Italian, Jewish), and put them in a vase on the dinning room table so that I could surprise her for Valentines Day. When I got back to the house from picking her up, the flowers were all over the living room torn apart by the Dalmatians, so I pulled them out of their cages and beat the shit out of them. Not the Dalmatians, Neil and Neil's older brother. Kidding, but I should have!

Very shortly after living with those two freaks, I was living on the Birdman's bedroom floor, and then finally back in my parents home for one last brief period. The last thing I heard about Neil is that he was engaged and sleeping with prostitutes. What a fucking guy!

Weekend recap:

The Birdman wrote a fun post over on his blog about one of his favorite holiday movies. To find out what movie I'm talking about click on the Birman's name. He covered just about everything that needed to be said about the movie except that the real star of the movie was Clint Howard. Ron Howard's little brother. In my comment on the Cupboard, I pointed out the fact that even though Ron Howard has won an Oscar and accomplished just about everything there is to accomplish in Hollywood, he never guest starred on an episode of Star Trek, unlike Clint who played Baylock in The Carbomite Maneuver. In other words compared to Clint, Ron Howard is a hack!
If you don't like football skip the next paragraph:
In other news I had a pretty good weekend. I watched a lot of football. A nice Saturday night treat. The Cowboys vs. The Falcons. Pretty good game! Oh and T.O. spit in DeAngelo Hall's face. T.O. then apologized after the game and said that he needed to move on. What a fucking animal! On Sunday I got to watch a 5 hour Bucks vs. Bears mini-marathon. 5 hours!

After the Cowboys game my wife and I went and saw The Holiday. Wait for it to come to HBO. Don't spend your hard earned bucks on this one folks. It's over two hours long and it takes about a half hour until the movie becomes tolerable. Obviously Kate Winselt makes any movie tolerable, and I'm sure there are a couple of people out there that don't mind Cameron Diaz either.

On Friday Allyson and I went to our first official doctor's appointment. After the doctor was done terrorizing my wife we got to hear Corky Jr's. heartbeat for the first time. It took my breath away. It was amazing. So fast. Just like Daddies after two cups of coffee and two stacker's. I wonder if Corky Jr's eyes were bulging out of his/her head too.

Our Doctor is really down to earth. I really like her a lot. Of course it helped that she laughed when I made reference to my good looks. For those of you that don't know I was adopted, and because I don't know too much about my ethnic background I had to get a blood test done. That's how my good looks came up. Really, I'm not that much of a ham in real life. Well, maybe after a 6 pack or so... Anyway Friday was amazing, and Saturday and Sunday weren't too bad either. I hope ya'all had a good weekend too.

One week to go until the countdown begins again!

The holiday crunch is officially upon us! How do I know this? Because last night at work I witnessed the finest holiday spread ever known to man kind. Two cases of White Castles, two stacks of fresh Krispy Kreme donuts and two boxes of Krispy Kreme coffee. Yum! From last night forward our office will be filled with this wonderful food every night. The Birdman and Kim Jong Ramone would wet themselves if they worked with me, and the Grumbler and Willsix would shit themselves.

Whenever Christmas falls on a Sunday or a Monday I get an extra special Christmas bonus at work, an extra day added to my schedule. Yep, I'll be working 6 days next week. It's OK though, I'll get to redeem that day sometime during the next quarter along with an extra day for the day after Thanksgiving and New Years Eve(I'm not working New Years Eve, but I get a day off for it because it falls on the weekend).

We're just about done with our Christmas shopping. Most of the presents under the tree are for me! Allyson went to town yesterday (What a wonderful woman). Next year most of the presents under the tree will be for Corky's offspring, so we decided to spoil ourselves one last time. Who the hell am I kidding, there will be plenty of presents for me as well!

Every year the during the first week of December I get a half month bonus that is used exclusively for presents ( not so long ago things were so tight that I used this bonus to catch up on bills, but hopefully those days are gone forever). We split the bonus for our holiday shopping. Now that there's going to be three of us, one of us has to be cut out. Sorry Allyson. I'm sure that Corky Jr.(regardless of the child's gender, the child will be named Corky Jr.) and I will make you something nice. Perhaps a replica of our apartment made out of Popsicle sticks.

I hope everybody has a great weekend! Feel free to enjoy our fake tree. Can you guess which ornaments are mine? Oh and sorry about that musty electrical socket eye sore, I haven't gotten around to painting that wall yet.

Christmas Prayer: Dear God, please show Nonny the way. She doesn't belive in Beta, help her to see the light.