You Must Be At Least 7 Inches Tall to Go On This Ride

Scene:  7 AM Monday morning, taking up space in the waiting room of a fertility clinic.  At least three other women sit by themselves, ostensibly waiting for a needle to be shoved in their arm and/or a magic dildo to be shoved up their vagina.  After 20 minutes of molding butt grooves into the chair, a heavyset, out-of-breath potential grandmother arrives with her skinny daughter and her Rod Blagojevich-haired son-in-law.


(tangible thud as Heavy Mom sits on a couch):  If there's a heartbeat, I wanna see (gasp) it. If all you're gonna do is lie in the stirrups, I don't wanna (gasp) see that.

(Skinny Daughter picks lint off of her sweater as Rod B. stares at the ceiling)

Heavy Mom: Oh (gasp) look! 'How He Wants To See You Naked'! Let's read (gasp) this together!
Skinny Daughter: Ha, ha... OK.
Ultrasound tech (to me):  Come on in.
(Rod B. watches my ass as I follow the nurse down the hall.)

Next up:  Riding the gynie table horse, feet in stirrups.  Some people get off on this.  Ick.

(Nurse covers the 7 inch ultrasound wand with a condom and lube)
Me:  Can I have the ribbed one this time?
(Nurse ignores me.)
Me:  I meant to ask you the last time, is the camera lens on the tip?
Nurse:  Pardon me while I stab you.  (No, really.)
Me:  That's not something anyone wants to hear.
Nurse:  Well, you do want to hear this:  Your lining is thick enough for transfer but embryology won't be ready for you until the end of the month.  So keep taking your estrogen pills.
Me:  But my cancer was practically made of estrogen.  Who do I need to bribe to get moved up on the schedule?
Nurse:  I don't know.  Not me, though.  (Withdraws wand, leaves the room)
Me (calls after her):  You never told me where the flash button is!

Soup That Eats Like A Meal

Did you know that a can of Chunky Beef with Country Vegetables only has 300 calories per can? This is an amazing discovery! I've been eating this soup as long as I can remember, and when I go a real long time without eating it I start to crave it. I'm talking months people, and sometimes even years.

When I was a kid I used to eat Chunky Beef almost every Saturday at 6:00 o'clock while I watched Star Trek. Greatest show in the history of television! But you already knew that of course. Nothing like feeding my head with a double dose of brain food.

Ever since Donovan Mcnabb and Matt Hasselbeck's milf started doing Chunky Soup commercials grocery stores and supermarkets like Foodtown think they can plow in to me by charging 2 dollars and twenty five cents a can. Fuck you Foodtown! Captain Corky is much slicker than that you greedy bastards. I buy my Chunky Beef at Target for a buck twenty five a can. I also buy all of my furniture, clothes, laundry detergent, picnic supplies, and power tools at Target. They make it real easy and only charge me 19 percent interest on my Target Credit card. I even got to pic the color of my card. What a store!

Anyway, I'm was thinking about going on the Captain Corky inspired Chunky stew diet. 5 cans a day... That would be 1500 calories daily. Perfect! The only drawback to going on a diet like this would be that by my third can of the day hypertension will have set in, and by the fith can I will have died of a stroke because of the Salt content. I can't catch a break! I guess it's back to tasteless, sugarless, fatless Shredded Wheat tomorrow. Yum! I can't wait.