Wednesday, January 03, 2007

All World Number One Champion


I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Mike and Lenny for helping me deal with my minor hangover on New Year's day. I am such a lightweight these days... I used to be a real fucking pro. The number one champion drinker of all time! Now if I have more than a couple of beers I feel it the next day. Whatever happened to Corky?

I was living in DC when I achieved my status as number one drinker of all time. Every Sunday a mandatory case of beer to coincide with 12 hours of football. Happy hour at the bar 3 to 5 times a week starting at 3:30 and lasting some nights till 11 or 12. Yeah, I was a real drunk back in the day. When I couldn't come up with the money for a case of beer on Sundays I would gather up all my loose change, and by a cheap jug of whine for like 7 bucks. Good stuff.

At that time I rented a room from the former number one drinker of all time, Manny. Unfortunately the bottle got the better of Manny. By the time I had met him he was a former shell of his ignorant, racist, barnswallow (red neck) alcoholic self. Manny's brain worked on a loop (wet brain?). You knew exactly what Manny was going to say every time you spent more than 5 minuets with him. It was always fun beating him to his own stories. I lived with two other fucks in that house named Greg ( stuttering coke head) and Don (alcoholic with diabetes) who's brain also worked on a loop but was not as entertaining as Manny.

Between the four of us there was at least 4 cartons of cigarettes being smoked a week in that house and that is a very generous figure. I spent many hours on the porch of Manny's house drinking with these fellas and learning the history of the three streets that connect to Manny's street. A neighbour who was a degenerate gambler and drunk lived around the corner named Rick, but I really liked Rick, and have written about him before.

A couple of years later after I had moved to Kentucky and retired as number one world champion drinker of all time, I learned that Manny had died in his sleep... He was found by my former employer's son. The kid was poking Manny with a stick and yelling at him to get up. He didn't.

My entire experience at that house had nothing to do with me retiring as the all time greatest. Should it have been an eye opener? Probably. Was it? No. It took a lot of training to become the greatest of all time and I'm just too tired, and probably too old to start all that rubbish again. I think my wife and my parents like me better the way I am now, but every once in a while I make a public appearance as Corky, number one all world grand champion, for old time's sake.

20 comments:

The Grumbler said...

which one was the guy with a portable oxygen tank? i used to love watching him smoke while hooked up to the tank.

captain corky said...

Jimmy. He moved out pretty quickly after I moved in. I forgot about him for a second.

James Burnett said...

What's up Number One? Ha ha ha! Have you healed from hangover yet?

I caught the L&O marathon over the NYE weekend. It did help the healing process. And for my money, Mike and Lenny were the best partners ever on that show.

Happy New Year.

TheBirdman33 said...

I am more of a fan of the other Law and Orders. I enjoy Criminal Intent no matter who is in it, but Vincent D'nofrio is my favorite, that guy can ACT. Criminal Intent frequently shows the younger guy in your picture teamed up with Anabella Scioria.

Good stuff, Hang overs have a lot to do with why I decided not to go the drinking route to begin with all those years ago.

Kim Jong Ramone said...

Oh Corky you are still the champion in my book.

The Adult in Question said...

lol. I used to be able to out drink most of my friends, but not anymore.

Big Pissy said...

Yep....the team you have pictured was the best on L&O.

Thanks, champ!

Heidi on Vashon said...

Bacchus would sing your praises, baby!

Lady K said...

arright: I am gonna admit that I didn't EVEN read tyour post. I had the most fucked up day EVER and went straight home to the vodka. I hate that about me, but god DAMMIT if that stupid bitch doesn't get her SHIT together I AM gonna QUIT. I'm DONE.

*SIGH* Okay. How are you and your lady and Kork Jr. doin?

*sigh* really???

Lady K said...

MY BAD..."CORK Jr.." MY BAD DAY, and MY VODKA. BAD DAY...VODKA. BIG SIGH. That bitch at work needs to take a hike. I really wish she WOULD take a hike. That lazy whooooooore! LOL say "whore" like, "who-eerrer" hee hee! I'm so bad. That darn WHO-EERE!

Lady K said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lady K said...

I'm just a darn dork.

D O R K.

DORK.

Please don't judge me, and please don't hate me. I'm just an english loving boarish dork. ;-)

captain corky said...

Hang in there Lady K!

Thanks for all the comments ladies and gents. I'll have to do a follow up post about Claire Kincade soon. Yummy!

karma lennon said...

I too was the number one all time drinker. But fortunately I'm in the process of recovering from it. :)

RockDog said...

It's the sign of a true champion when you can realize that you aren't number one any more. You are my Brett Favre of the drinking world!

Yasamin said...

lmmfao!!! rockdog summed it up. i just cant beat that comment... no way... no how.

except im the alltime world champion of koolaid drinkin. does that count?

Nonnyhatesbeta said...

Wow! I think Lady was a little tipsy when she was commenting. Poor thing.

My brother, the alcoholic, does the brain loop thing-so annoying. He says the same thing over and over again. To the point where you know what he's gonna say before he says it. So you say it to him first and he laughs hysterically and then proceeds to say it again about 4 minutes later.

Hangovers are the reason I quit drinking about 9 years ago.

Anonymous said...

desktopqb lives again

alicia said...

Cap'n! Ahh, memories of cigarettes and beer... that brings me all the way back to, well, back to last weekend actually.
:)
Now that I type it, it doesn't sound very lady like... maybe I should drink cheap Rossi wine out of my fancy wine glasses. You know, to impress the mormons.

captain corky said...

Alicia, if you really want to spiteful drink some Mountain Dew in front of them.