Thursday, December 21, 2006

Surviving the holidays alone


For those of you heathens that are having trouble getting into a festive mood just because your going to be alone this Christmas... I'm here to help. I'm going to help you manufacture some good old Christmas spirit. First of all you'll need to run out and buy Christmas with the Rat Pack. The Cd is incredible! Just like bottled water it's all about the packaging folks. These guys have been dead for some time now, and yet I find myself buying a new Rat Pack Christmas CD every year despite the fact that I have every single song on this particular Cd ten times over. Hey, was this album produced by George Lucas or what?

Since your spending Christmas alone this year, you'll have to buy a bottle of your favorite hard Liquor, beer won't cut it. Perhaps some Vodka or Scotch. I know that all the experts out there tell people to never drink alone, but fuck that! I've done some of my best drinking by myself. Plus a nice warm little buzz always helps you feel Christmas more. If you live alone, chances are you smoke. I've never met anyone who lives alone that doesn't smoke besides my grandmother. You won't have to listen to anyone bitch about your smoke or go outside because hey, It's just you, Frank, Dean and Sammy and they all smoked two to three pack a day. If you smoke light cigarettes upgrade to unfiltered cigarettes, or Newports. Don't be a wuss, it's Christmas!

Warning: Under no circumstance are you too answer the phone while spending Christmas by yourself! The last thing you want to do is here your friends and family laughing and having a good time. Fuck them, they don't know how to have real fun. Those sheep need other people to have fun. Not you!

After you have ignored three of four calls, smoked half a pack and are starting to see double, it's time to turn off the Rat Pack and watch It's a Wonderful Life or Miracle on 34th Street. Both movies are acceptable for surviving Christmas alone. Even though your alone it's nice to watch other people (as long as it's on television) getting their shit together. Hell, this could be the last time you ever drink or spend Christmas alone. Once or twice is enough for anybody! After watching one of the above mentioned movies you will decide that next year come hell or high water, your going to spend Christmas with somebody, anybody damn it. For those of you that are a little more ambitious you might even venture out to a bar at this point. Good for you! You'll either fine the same 7 schmucks you see at the bar 5 times a week or a couple of independent people just like you, and me. Either way you'll probably have a good time. Shit, somebody might even buy you a shot or two.

You might even have a spiritual conversion at some point during the night, If this happens call your local Church or call Alcoholic's Anonymous , and ask for Bill, he'll help you from this point forward. For the rest of you. You'll find that you didn't die, you enjoyed some good drink and music, and next year things are going to be diffrent!



20 comments:

Kim Jong Ramone said...

Sometimes I worry about you Corky.

Oh and I never knew I had something in common with your grandmother I live alone and don't smoke.

Lady K said...

That's horrible! I feel sorry for anyone who has to spend Christmas alone. Although if you gotta do it, you've got some pretty good ideas...

RockDog said...

If you're alone and drinking, might I suggest a liquor with a persons name, such as Jack Daniels? This way you can say you spent the day with Jack...no one has to know his last name. He can be your significant other. Thank you, George Thorogood.

Karmalennon said...

That is a great plan. I'm going to use it for New Year's though.

Tod said...

If I was going to be alone at Christmas I think I would do it in style in Vegas.

captain corky said...

No need to worry Kim Jong Ramone. That was just the ghost of Corky's Christmas past speaking.

Heidi the Hick said...

Captain Corky, awesome post! Good advice. Seriously, a lot of people have a horrible time with this time of year but it can be lived through!

And thanks for joining my rip roarin fake party yesterday!

Pixie said...

Great advice there corky, but what about those of us who live with Humbug people who hate Christmas ?

captain corky said...

That's a tough question Pixie... Me? I guess I would kick them out of my house, but that's just me :)

Thanks for stopping by Heidi!

Metal Mark said...

Fortunately I have never had to spend Christmas alone.

Nonnyhatesbeta said...

I think spending xmas alone would be awesome, espcially since I've never done it.

I love the Rat Pack. I'm totally digging on Dean's version of Frosty this year. I'm playing it ad nauseum.

captain corky said...

I've done it twice Nonny. It really isn't that bad. Dean Martin was great!

jetsgrumbler said...

i spent several christmas' alone. once, i went to see a movie at white flint. i think it was bridget jones. the shit was depressing so i went home and drank a bottle of vodka.

alicia said...

Don't be a wuss, it's Christmas!


I am SOOOO telling my mother-in-law that when she refuses to take shots with us.

Merry Christmas, Cap'n!

TheBirdman33 said...

Dean's version of let it snow is THE BOMB! ( can be found on The Matt That Stole Christmas Volume 1)

Lady K said...

Grey Goose, party of ONE...is there a Grey Goose in the house?

TheBirdman33 said...

I don't have to spend Christmas alone, because my family would never let me, but does it make me less of a man that if I did have to do it the only liquor I would even think about drinking is champagne? I don't drink, don't want to drink except the occasional glass of champagne and it does give me a buzz....

captain corky said...

Merry Christmas to you too Alicia!

Birdman you should drink more often. If you ever want to be a real man you'll need to learn how to drink like we men do.

PS. I don't find anything wrong with having a 10th graders point of view about drinking. Do you?

Grey goose is some good stuff Lady K!

Kim Jong Ramone said...

Birdman could always belly up to the bar and ask for a Zima.

willSIX said...

Zima! Comedy gold!