On October 22nd In the year 2092 a new holiday will supersede Christmas as the world's most celebrated Holiday of the year. The name of this future holiday will be called Captain's Day.
How do I know this? A gypsy that I payed 5 bucks to read my palm on the boardwalk in Seaside Heights, NJ in 1993 told me. The Birdman was with me that day, and all we were trying to find out was who was going to get laid that weekend. That's all I wanted from this gypsy already, and yet she sprung that really heavy shit on me. I really haven't given it much thought since I walked out of the fortune teller's booth all those years ago. I was way too busy starring at the braciols walking up and down the boardwalk.
The Gypsy didn't really give me any details as to why this happens, but she did tell me about a lot of the customs and traditions that go along with Captain's Day. For Example, songs are sung on Captain's Day like, The First Drunken Stupor, Oh Come all Ye Commenters, and Oh Vodka Bottle. Also, A famous picture of Captain Corky will be drawn depicting the Captain eating dinner with a lot of other famous Captains, like Captain Stubing, Captain Kangaroo, and Captain and Tennille. The name of the future masterpiece will be called the Captain's Table. Please note that Captain Morgan will not be invited to eat dinner or make merry with us at the Captain's table because we rarely drink rum, and when we do it's always Bacardi 151.
By the way, any similarities between Christmas and Captain's Day are completely coincidental and really you can't compare the two. On Christmas Day you might wish somebody a Merry Christmas, but on Captain's Day you always say, "Bottoms UP" or "Cheers." You never say, "Merry Captain's Day!" It's also important to understand that alcohol sales for Captain's Day will completely obliterate alcohol sales for New Years Eve and St Patrick's Day combined. Every Year.
Again, the gypsy never told me why the world would be celebrating Captain's Day every October 22nd, I guess we're all going to have to wait and find out how it happens together. Incidentally, I wound up hooking up with some chick from Upstate New York that weekend and after about 45 minutes of kissing and a little petting she spent the rest of the night crying. Clearly it wasn't Captain's Day, or night for that matter.
PS Autumn is finally here!