Monday, October 08, 2007

It isn't easy being Corky


This post is inspired in part by Kermit the Frog, Britney Spears, toxic paint fumes, and Rupert Holmes.

For those of you that have been wondering where I've been lately let me assure you that I'm not drunk in a gutter somewhere, although that would be a lot of fun.

For those of you that don't care where I've been I'm hurt. Really hurt. Heart broken as a matter of fact. I thought you loved me, and I though that I was the most important person in your life...

Put it this way: I'm so far behind on television that as of 10:00 PM Monday night I will be two weeks behind on Heroes. It's been so long since I've had sex or tossed off that I'm starting to have nocturnal emissions again. Please Note: That sentence may be a complete lie. I'm a complete mess I tell you.

My son is now sleeping in his crib after three months, and it's time to retire his bassinet. I'm a little sad over the fact that he's not sleeping in our room anymore. :( I'm either going to pour gasoline over the bassinet and set it on fire or I'm going to dump it in the Ohio River.

I have about a week left on a paint job I've been working on since last week, but as soon as I'm done look out! "I'm coming and hell's coming with me." Spread the word, Captain Corky's coming to town.








61 comments:

HoosierGirl5 said...

Wow. I get to be first.

Yes, I did wonder where you were, but with a baby, a job, and a side job, I figured you were busy. And I was right!

You will catch up on the TV and the sex, I'm sure. (wink) Congrats on the baby sleeping in his crib. And don't burn the bassinet yet...I'm sure there will be an Allyson, Jr. in your future!

Have a good day in River City. Maybe I will pass you on Dixie Highway....wait a minute, I'm not real sure what you look like, and I don't know what you drive....oh well, I might pass you anyway, I just won't know it! (grin)

J.

Crashdummie said...

Could you be a tad specific regardarding which town you’ll be coming too? I’ll have my ppl contact ur ppl.. btw, I just loved the Kermit pic!

cardiogirl said...

I just had to jump in and say your baby (over there in the side bar under the Max TV heading) is so, so cute! So very cute.

Okay, I'm done now.

He is really cute, though.

Leaving now. (waves goodbye to the cute baby picture) Bye-bye cute baby!

Guilty Secret said...

Ditto Hoosiergirl5 on Allyson junior. I'm not sure if you should ever have any more kids though, because of the untopability of Max in the cuteness stakes.

(D'you like what I did there? Untopability? Nice, huh?)

Ha ha ha it took a couple of seconds to translate 'nocturnal emissions' - my slowness only added comic timing to your hilariousness.

karma lennon said...

Wow, you have been very busy. And I did miss you, very very much. ;) Speaking of babies, I became an auntie this weekend! My friend, Ash, had her baby girl on Friday. Her name is Adalyn and she is the cutest little thing I've ever seen!!!! I love her!

her indoors said...

course i missed ya, have cheered up somewhat now you are back.
Max in his big boy cot now, see now he has left your room you can carry on with the sex and tossing lol

M said...

Aaahhh, that's better! We thought you were cheating on us with another blog! Looking forward to reading you again ;)

fiwa said...

It's obviously time for you to take a soul-searching walk in the rain, sip a pina-coloda, get your groove-thang on in the dunes.

Spamboy said...

Or you could save time and money by dumping it into the Cleveland River, which itself is known to burst into flames.

Jay said...

Yeah, hang on to that bassinet thingy. You might need to use it for the wide receiver you have next to go a long with the quarterback you already have. He'll need somebody to throw the football to.

dilling said...

I got a paint job too, here in the new tv season! Why didn't they move out during summer reruns? Dangit.
Well, it is Canadian Thanksgiving today and I have the day "off" to cook and clean all day here!
Tonight is Heroes...and Monk...yay for that...I will rush my guests out the door as soon as they are done with their turkey..."Pie? What Pie? Dessert is at YOUR house!"

Tod said...

I always thought a bassinet was a musical instrument...heh.

neroli said...

Oh, dear Captain: I thought it rather miraculous that you were able to post with regularity. Then I reminded myself of your heroic persona, and it all made sense.
From personal experience, I know that as All Good Superheroes, you were Out and About As You Were Needed.
All is right with the world; even better when Corky's coming to town.
I'll fire up the grill for the hot dogs.
(And I'll make sure there's plenty of brew.)

Nancy said...

Save that bassinet, for round two =)

Blancodeviosa said...

Waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much info.

Blancodeviosa said...

Next you'll be telling us you wear adult diapers so you don't have to leave the boob tube.

Gina said...

What? Do you mean I can now uncurl myself from the fetal position I had assumed due to Corky and Max withdrawls?

Tink said...

Pfft. I knew where you were. I have you under 24 hour surveillance. If that doesn't make you feel special, I don't know what will.

Big Pissy said...

*sigh* Oh, Corky....I heart you so! ;-)

Alekx said...

Ummm when ever you are coming to town I'll be on vacation or in the hospital or somewhere. Not up to hell coming along. I have enough demons to deal with daily :-)

Metal Mark said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Metal Mark said...

Your schedule falls apart when you have kids. You just have to adjust as much as you can.

marykay said...

And I thought you had decided to shop at hallmark and gotten arrested...whew what a relief!

erika said...

i was worried about your where-abouts, but the occasional reports from my father kept my nerves calm enough.

Cheryl said...

Of course I've been missing you. You were there for me always, and you've been gone. Good luck on catching up, ok?

Christie said...

Could the fact that your son has been sleeping in a bassinet IN your room be the reason you have not been having sex or jerkin the gurkin? Could be.

And I've so missed you. Have you missed me? I feel so lonely if I don't hear from you.

kat said...

I've actually been behind on blog-reading but of course when I have time to catch up I race right here. So honestly, I didn't know you were gone. If I did know, I definitely would've been crying in my Corn Flakes.

The Lone Beader said...

3 months?! Where does the time go...

Biddie said...

LOL. Of COURSE I missed you, but I have been very busy, too. Now that we're both back, we can get down to business.

TheBirdman33 said...

"I'm coming and hell's coming with me" was the tag line in the cupboard for about a year, I want copyright infringement payments

TheBirdman33 said...

If you want to know about issues with tossing off, check out the video I put up yesterday, good times.

TheBirdman33 said...

and for what it's worth, I don't like pina coladas and I am in to yoga, and I am indifferent to being caught in the rain.

eric1313 said...

Corky, this was a damn fine piece of writing. It a good thing when you can tell anyone about emissions and not flare out right there after the sentence.

Later on and best wishes to the family.

Ashley said...

I have missed you, Captain. :) I am waiting for some incredibly witty blog. Not to put any pressure on you, or anything, but you usually make me laugh out loud. That is a lot of pressure.

captain corky said...

Hoosiergirl5: Good point! We hope to have more kids so I better just bring it over to my Mother in law's house. I hope you have a good day today. ;)

Crashdummie: I plan on visiting the entire world all in one night. But not on December 25th, that's someone else's gig. ;)

Cardiogirl: Thank you very much! Feel free to jump in and out whenever you want. :)


Guilty: I like that word a lot. I'll use it at work when referring to myself. ;)

Karma: Congrats! I hope you have lots of fun with her. ;)

captain corky said...

Her Indoors: Yes! As much as I'm going to miss him I can't wait to carry on. ;)

M: I would never cheat on you guys. Never ever. ;)

Fiwa: Exactly. I love making love at midnight as much as the next guy. LOL

Spamboy: That's a little far away I think, but it might be worth the trip to watch it ignite.

Jay: Great point. Plus, I can store liquor and stuff in it in the meantime.

captain corky said...

Dilling: LOL! I hope you had a great Thanksgiving and I hope your gets didn't linger too long.

Tod: It is. It makes a really high pitched sound, especially when it's hungry.

Neroli: Very nice. I can't wait. ;)

Nancy: And round three, and four and five and... OK, round two. ;)

Blancodeviosa: Gulp! I um... would never where adult diapers. Not in front of the tube or at a casino. ;)

captain corky said...

Gina: Yes, we are here for you. ;)

Tink: That makes me feel all warm and tingly. All Captain Corky all the time... I like the concept of that. A lot. ;)

Big Pissy: I heart you too. Always have. ;)

Alekx: Ok, but just leave the door unlocked for me.

Metal Mark: Max is on a pretty good schedule right now, but It's not always predictable like you said. A side job definitely doesn't make things easier.

captain corky said...

Marykay: Max and I decided to stay in that day and get some much needed rest. No arrests for me lately. ;)

Erika: Your Dad and I are as thick as thieves now. I know that makes you happy. ;)

Cheryl: I enjoy your blog and I'll be around a bit this week. Mostly in the mornings. :)

Christie: Of course I missed you and I'm glad that you're back. ;)

Kat: Don't do that, Corn Flakes are delicious, They're Great! Or is that Frosted Flakes?

captain corky said...

Beader: It's gone by fast hasn't it.

Biddie: Glad that we're both back. Especially you guys though. :)

Birdman: How does three pesos a month sound? I hate pina coladas too. I hate anything that has coconut in it.

Eric1313: Thanks man. I like to share all my secrets with the world. I always feel much lighter when I walk down the street that way.

Ashley: I eat pressure for breakfast. I hope all is well with you. ;)

Casdok said...

You do realise to have baby number 2 you have to have sex!

Heidi the Hick said...

I have NO IDEA what that first paragraph means but that didn't stop me from lovin it!

leslie said...

It's the fumes, definitely the fumes.
Oh. And you were gone?

Burfica said...

I so know what you mean about being behind on t.v. we still record on tapes. And I have 5 8 hour tapes full to watch. And just have to record more each week.

furiousBall said...

I know all about the busy my friend, you'll adjust and it only gets worse.

I'm about to start my next painting project myself...now, the front porch.

Aunt Jackie said...

I, for one, could not rest or attend to daily life because I was wondering about you... Call me obsessive, but I need my Corky fix to make it through the day (and night) ;) Hee Hee!!

Anyways, glad you're all doing fine--You'll have many more milestones with Max, so take heart... Time is like Kryptonite, right? We can avoid it, but it's going to get to us a little in each episode.

Princess Pointful said...

I say you attach a number of fireworks to the bassinet, and light them at once, on video.

Hope things calm down for you soon :)

mjd said...

Hey Corky, you have 47 comments, and you think that you not loved, When you come to town, I will bake you a cake, but the devil does not get any.

gawilli said...

Hey! Mjd's going to bake you a cake? You're pretty doggone loved. That's all I have to say.

Lady K said...

Cork, I haven't been around lately, either, but rest assured, you ARE impotent to me. I mean IMPORTANT. HA! I'm sure fatherhood is starting to take it's toll. I wouldn't set that bassinett on fire just yet, ya never know...

Get some rest, smoke a fat one, have a beer, and watch some HEROES. It does a body good...

Lady K said...

P.S. I wanna hear about this "paint job!!!"

david mcmahon said...

Hold everything, don't get rid of the bassinet. Junior might want a brother or sister soon.

Keep us informed about the paint job ....

Say G'day to Junior to me.

Delighted that you like the sound of my second novel, too!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Heroes has been a lot of fun this season. Have you seen the Mexican immigrants who accidentally kill people? I think the Republicans created those characters . . .

Crashdummie said...

okie dokie, just lemme know when you plan to invade Gothenburg - I'll take the day off and let you do the mayhem...

jAMiE said...

I never get to be first, what's up with that.... anyway, looking forward to your triumphant return..happy painting!

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

Can't wait for you to come back! If my signal holds let's meet back here next Friday at 1PM. ;-)

TheBirdman33 said...

I hear there is a lot of good stuff going on over at:

Thepantry33.blogspot.com

Pink said...

Corky - you complete me.

Birdie - nice try (again)

:)
xx
pinks

eric1313 said...

Hope the kid's settling down and the paint rolls on smooth and easy.

Bass are jumping and the blogs are poppin...

peace out

Canadian flake said...

wow welcome back...I think it is something in the air actually...bloggerland has been so quiet lately.

Don't worry you HAVE been missed...I stalk in every now and again to check on word of you..

(pppppppsssssssttt ev1 I actually come to see more pics of Max..but don't tell Corky, we wouldn't wanna deflate his ego..lol)

Anonymous said...

Your writing style is very entertaining.