Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Captain Corky's Sure Fire Baby Diet


This post was inspired by my wife Allyson and our friend Erika.

A while back I decided that the only way to really change my lifestyle and eating habits was to go back to basics, and start from the beginning.

That's right folks, Stage 1 of Captain Corky's Sure Fire Baby Diet starts off with three months of only drinking breast milk, or formula, shitting myself without a care in the world, and sleeping whenever the hell I feel like it.

Formula's really underrated. The shit tastes great and I didn't mind drinking it every two to three hours for the first month. I'm sure it wasn't pleasant for my wife when I woke up in the middle of the night crying for the nipple, but she's a real trooper that Allyson. Max didn't mind waiting for me to finish my bottle either, but you know how babies are... very accommodating.

Breast milk speaks for itself. Almost as enjoyable as a glass of vodka.

After that I started eating a bowl of fruit and a bowl of vegetables a couple of times a day. I call this stage 2 of Captain Corky's Sure Fire Baby Diet. I didn't really care for many of the vegetables at first. Take squash for example, that shit fucking sucks. I like peas, but I prefer them to be solid and cooked with some butter. Not over cooked though. People in the south love to overcook everything, but that's a post for another time...

Stage 3 of C,C's Sure Fire Baby Diet is just more vegetables and fruit with a little more variety and chunks. I guess I eat oatmeal or rice with my fruit in the morning. I'm still shitting myself, but I feel a lot better and have lost weight. For the first time in a long time I feel like me again (that's the kind of shit you have to say when pitching your diet).

Testimonials from others who are currently enjoying great success on Captain Corky's Sure Fire Baby Diet:

Sally: Former Meth Addict and current Stage 3 Infant

"I couldn't believe it, but when I looked in the mirror one morning I had a baby tooth in my mouth. I never thought it possible, but I'm going to have teeth again! Thank you Captain Corky's Sure Fire Baby Diet."

Bob: Middle aged 350 pound bald guy Stage 1 Newborn.
" Almost over night the hair on my knuckles started to retract and there was hair on my head. Thanks to Captain Corky and his miracle diet, I'm going to get laid again!!!"

Rick: Freak with a baby fetish

" I don't know about all this Sure Fire Baby Diet business... but I sure do love it when my wife changes my diaper and burps me."

Alice: Old lady who feels young again Stage 3 Almost Toddler
" I really enjoy being able to get on the ground and crawl around with my great grandchildren. It's really a pleasure. I'm leaving all of my money and worldly possessions to Captain Corky, and fuck my damn kids if they try to contest the will."

For more information about Captain Corky's Sure Fire Diet please email Captain Corky at Corkyhimself@aol.com or leave a comment in the comment box. You know where it is. ;)







62 comments:

furiousBall said...

Van, 36 year old shut-in divorcee

"It never dawned on me that the easiest way to get some action would be to go back to nursing. I hired a Brazillian model/wet nurse and I'm happy again! Thanks Corky!"

Jay said...

So when do the 30 minute informercials start up? Maybe you should introduce your system to the world on a commercial during the Super Bowl?

nikki said...

Wow, I'm intrigued, yet frightened.

Burfica said...

Alrighty then.....I think I will come back once your fever has broke. hehehehehe

Jerrster said...

Corky another one of your brilliant ideas that ended with me getting my face slapped....I tried your Baby diet but since we don't have formula at home I asked a woman in the coffee shop this morning if I might suckle her, that I'm on an incredible new Baby diet....now imagine my glasses flying across the room.

Guilty Secret said...

I am reading blogs while supposedly listening in on a conference call and you just made me laugh out loud. Naughty Corky!

Maddy said...

Hey surely that's a diet we could all benefit from.
Cheers

Leighann said...

You're an evil genius!

Tod said...

So if I follow this diet does it mean I get to crawl around and eat strange stuff that I find on the floor? Woohoo!

The Mama Bear said...

Intriguing concept my dear Captain, very intriguing.

RockDog said...

This is a great idea! Is there a Stage that includes beer and pizza?

Pud said...

LOL! You'll be a bigger inspiration than that Jared guy from the Subway commercials!

fiwa said...

Does this come with a free DVD and money back guarantee? Finally, a shot of the cutest baby in the world. I've been having withdrawls. ;)

Nancy said...

And??? How much have you lost?
:::snicker:::

Another adorable photo of Max!

Princess Pointful said...

For only $39.99 a month
(plus the cost of food)?

(I'll skip, thanks. Unless you provide a free lactating mother! Ew. I grossed myself out a little)

Emmeline said...

I have to say . . . I'm completely grossed out. But also amused.

Em

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

LMAO!

And people in the South really overcook their vegetables.

Heidi the Hick said...

I'm going to have teeth again!!!!

Holy smokes that is funny!

leslie said...

Does this diet come with a tube of Boudreaux's Butt Paste?

Tink said...

This is like some shit Hoop and I would come up with while drunk! You are cracking me up.

leslie said...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boudreaux's_Butt_Paste

Pink said...

errr...I was just thinking of weight watchers...but the sleeping whenever I want option sounds good to me!
xx
pinks

HAR said...

I am beginning to think something is wrong with you. :)

Big Pissy said...

Will that doll baby, Max, be on the cover of your book?

The Lone Beader said...

I think you should try breast milk spiked with vodka. That's a REAL man's drink. LOL!

captain corky said...

Furiousball: Awesome! Now lets jump into our gym clothes and sweat to the oldies. ;

Jay: That's not a bad idea! I have a dollar. Can you help me out by investing the other 1,999,999 dollars?

Nikki: Fear is a great motivator. Now, do want Elmo diapers for Stage 1? ;)

Burfica: I'm not sure if I have a fever or not, I can't seem to find the rectal thermometer. ;)

Jerrster: LOL! My wife got a kick out of your comment too.

captain corky said...

Guilty: Glad I could help you make strides at work! ;)

Maddy: I like to give back. Society has been so kind to me. It's the least I can do. ;)

Leighann: I'm definitely evil, that's for sure. ;)

Tod: LOL! Yes. That's just one of the many benefits of Captain Corky's Sure Fire Baby Diet!!!

The Mama Bear: I love intriguing people. That's what makes me feel complete. ;)

captain corky said...

Rockdog: That's on my other Diet, Captain Corky's Sure Fire Mid Life I Don't Give A Fuck Diet. LOL!

Pud: And not as dumpy. ;)

Fiwa: No money back guarantee, but I do offer rebates on diapers and formula. ;)

Nancy: I'm not allowed to reveal that information because of legalities but if you subscribe to Captain Corky's Sure Fire Baby Diet you will lose weight that you never even knew you had. Wait a minute... What?

Princess: I think Sally the former Meth Addict, is available. LOL

captain corky said...

Emmeline: Making people giddy and nauseous at the same time is just one of my many gifts. ;)

Whim: Yes they do! But I still love it hear anyways. ;)

Heidi the Hick: LOL! Enjoy your new set of teeth. ;)

Leslie: Maybe I'll offer a tube for those who order Captain Corky's Sure Fire Baby Diet, but only if you order in the next 30 minutes. ;)

Tink: I think I may have wet brain, cause I think about this shit when I'm sober. ;)

captain corky said...

Pink: The sleep option sound good to me too. I heart rest, and relaxation.

Leslie: We have a tube here at home. ;)

Har: You really love me! ;)

Pissy: Of course. A before picture of me and an after picture of Max. ;)

Beader: LOL! I'll have to try that.

Dana said...

Can I sign up to be a breast milk donor?? I'd like to help the cause.

erika said...

amazing i tell you, amazing! thanks for making my morning!

abbagirl74 said...

That kid is soooo cute!

ALF said...

I am amused and a little scared...

Real Live Lesbian said...

Does Allyson come with the Deluxe Diet Package? I'm going to need some nipple!

katy said...

LOL, so how is the wife coping with the two babies at once then?
think i will skip to the next phase, it is the liquid part isn't it, beer, beer and beer?!

Jahooni said...

OKAY, i found you or you found me or whatever... but YOU ARE FUNNY! this was soooo good. Crack addict getting tooth back! LMAO!

karma lennon said...

Oh, lord, you crack me up. How've you been? :)

Gina said...

It's the living in Kentucky thing and the mortgage that's beginning to get to you, huh?

Kidding, very funny!

Cazzie!!! said...

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!!

captain corky said...

Dana: We're always looking for a good woman. I think Real may have need of your very special talent. ;)

Erika: Corky's log and a cup of coffee: Perfect Together. ;) Thanks for the idea.

Abbagirl75: You said it girl! :)

Alf: Don't be sacred... I try my best not to bite to hard. ;)

Real: It's not in her contract as of yet, but everything's negotiable. ;)

captain corky said...

Katy: Beer, beer and beer are on Captain Corky's Sure Fire Mid Life Crisis Diet. ;)

Jahooni: We were lost, but now we're found. Welcome to the log!

Karma: Thanks! I'm good. How about you?

Gina: Probably a combination of both, plus the writer's strike. That's killing me. ;)

Cazzie: Not your cup of tea? ;)

leslie said...

Looks like you got carried away painting the new house, and got some on the kid. Peach pink? Carrot orange?

Knight said...

Brilliant Idea! If only I had access to a lactating lady. None of the formula crap for me!

Christie said...

Oh, Corky, you are too funny.

Crashdummie said...

lucky for me, i was totally mesmerized and totally awwwwww:ed by maximillans pic that i didnt really indulge the text cc...

otheriwse i might have totallt freaked and wondered abt ur mental stage. u do realise that when Freud was talking about 5 stages he was just using metaphores right?

jAMiE said...

My goodness Corky, i don't know what to say....whatever works, huh!

ps...wonderful shot of Max...such a cutie!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I don't know. Babies seem to get really fat when they drink breast milk . . .

Well, even if I get fat, at least I'll be suckling on lots of teets.

Aunt Jackie said...

Very... um--Interesting!! :)

TheBirdman33 said...

I've said it before my friend and I will say it again...

YOU

HAVE

ISSUES.

DJ Kirkby said...

Oh dear...I can see tha tyou are still not completely 'well'... perhaps you should lie down for a while? Want me to call a doctor?

captain corky said...

Leslie: Carrot on Max's face. He went a little nuts that day. ;)

Knight: Lots of lactating women are ready and willing to join the cause. ;)

Welcome!

Christie: Thanks! Some people think that I'm a freak. I'm glad you're not one of them. ;)

Crashie: Are you talking about Freud Mertz from I Love Lucy? ;) He was really funny on that show. Not as funny as Lucy though.

Jamie: Exactly! It works if you work it. Thanks! ;)

captain corky said...

Dr Kenneth Noisewater: I've heard that sucking on teats is what life's all about. ;)

Aunt Jackie: It's a work in progress, but we're getting there. ;)

Birdman: Me Alto!

DJ Kirkby: I just pulled the rectal thermometer out, and I seem to be... normal. ;)

Tequila Mockingbird said...

for a second i thought by "baby diet" you meant a diet of eating babies. but that would be gross, and probably fattening.

madame x said...

me thinks your Purkinje cells crossed wires... causing a neurological fire drill.


grin

captain corky said...

Tequila: I've never had, but I here baby tastes a lot like chicken.

Madame X: Welcome back, and maybe I was just high... on life, of course. ;)

Ms. Tuesday said...

Baby tastes a lot like chicken??? do you have any lines at all cap'n?

captain corky said...

Ms. Tuesday: Welcome to the log! I've seen you around before, but you've never stopped in. Glad to have you. ;)

mjd said...

I must fit in the Alice category. As I am a schoolteacher, don't count on much money or many worldly possessions. You can have all the old biology teaxtbooks.

captain corky said...

MJD: Sweet! Now maybe I'll be able to realize my life's dream and solve life.

HAR said...

So much for the blowout!!!!! GIANTS

Ashley said...

Has Richard Simmons caught wind of this? This seems like something he could be a proponent of.