This post was inspired by my wife Allyson and our friend Erika.
A while back I decided that the only way to really change my lifestyle and eating habits was to go back to basics, and start from the beginning.
That's right folks, Stage 1 of Captain Corky's Sure Fire Baby Diet starts off with three months of only drinking breast milk, or formula, shitting myself without a care in the world, and sleeping whenever the hell I feel like it.
Formula's really underrated. The shit tastes great and I didn't mind drinking it every two to three hours for the first month. I'm sure it wasn't pleasant for my wife when I woke up in the middle of the night crying for the nipple, but she's a real trooper that Allyson. Max didn't mind waiting for me to finish my bottle either, but you know how babies are... very accommodating.
Breast milk speaks for itself. Almost as enjoyable as a glass of vodka.
After that I started eating a bowl of fruit and a bowl of vegetables a couple of times a day. I call this stage 2 of Captain Corky's Sure Fire Baby Diet. I didn't really care for many of the vegetables at first. Take squash for example, that shit fucking sucks. I like peas, but I prefer them to be solid and cooked with some butter. Not over cooked though. People in the south love to overcook everything, but that's a post for another time...
Stage 3 of C,C's Sure Fire Baby Diet is just more vegetables and fruit with a little more variety and chunks. I guess I eat oatmeal or rice with my fruit in the morning. I'm still shitting myself, but I feel a lot better and have lost weight. For the first time in a long time I feel like me again (that's the kind of shit you have to say when pitching your diet).
Testimonials from others who are currently enjoying great success on Captain Corky's Sure Fire Baby Diet:
Sally: Former Meth Addict and current Stage 3 Infant
"I couldn't believe it, but when I looked in the mirror one morning I had a baby tooth in my mouth. I never thought it possible, but I'm going to have teeth again! Thank you Captain Corky's Sure Fire Baby Diet."
Bob: Middle aged 350 pound bald guy Stage 1 Newborn.
" Almost over night the hair on my knuckles started to retract and there was hair on my head. Thanks to Captain Corky and his miracle diet, I'm going to get laid again!!!"
Rick: Freak with a baby fetish
" I don't know about all this Sure Fire Baby Diet business... but I sure do love it when my wife changes my diaper and burps me."
Alice: Old lady who feels young again Stage 3 Almost Toddler
" I really enjoy being able to get on the ground and crawl around with my great grandchildren. It's really a pleasure. I'm leaving all of my money and worldly possessions to Captain Corky, and fuck my damn kids if they try to contest the will."
For more information about Captain Corky's Sure Fire Diet please email Captain Corky at Corkyhimself@aol.com or leave a comment in the comment box. You know where it is. ;)