Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Letterman




The monotony of everyday living is really starting to take a toll on my sanity... With gas prices, sleep deprivation, rain, traffic, taxes, fucked up politics, and lack of quality television programing, I've had all I can take. So in order to retain my sanity, I've decided to restructure the reality of my week.

On Mondays my new routine will be to over hydrate on water. I will start the morning off by playing power hour with H2O. That means that I will drink one shot of water every minute for 60 minutes. And then after that I will drink a 16 oz bottle of water every hour for the remaining 23 hours of the day. By the end of the day I should be pissing nothing but water. If there is any color of fowl odder in my urine this means that I failed my Monday goal. I will now call Monday, Over hydrated Monday.

Any Other Fucking Day, but Tuesday will be the new name for the third day of the week. I will use a six sided die, that you can find in just about every board game ever invented, and I will roll the die when I wake up to determine what day of the week it will be. For instance, if I roll a 1 it will be Sunday and all of Sunday's rules will apply. This means that I'll have to come up with an elaborate reason for not going to work. I'll also speak in tongues after breakfast until about noon. You get the idea. Tuesday is out!
Letterman Wensday is probably going to be my favoirte day of the week. This is the day of the week that I spell words anyway I want, starting with Wensday. I will remove unnessary letters from words like the silent D and the usless E from the word Wensday. The people at work who recieve reports from me will just have to deal with it, and so will all of the English Majors that read Corky's log. ;)

Thursday will be cut in half and called Thur. I will add 6 hours to Wensday and six hours to Friday. This will make Thur fly by, and I'll be so crazed from running around like a rooster with his head cut off trying to get everything done, that I'll actually receive an adrenalin rush from all of the madness.

My stomach is really looking forward to Fried Food Friday. That's all I'm going to eat. Here I come KFC Buffet! Grease will be dripping down my chin and I'll smell like a deep fryer that hasn't been cleaned in a month. I will glide smoothly across floors from all of the grease on the soles of my once white sneakers. Please don't worry about my cholesterol level, folks. That's what Monday's are now for.

Since Saturday is the best day of the week it will basically stay unaltered except that I'll start watching The Love Boat at 9:00 PM and Fantasy Island at 10:00. Saturday used to be a really great day for TV when I was a youngin. Whatever Happened to Great TV on Saturday?

Holy Sunday will be a day of spirituality and healing. On Holy Sunday I will dress up like a head hunter and attend any church that has a sign out front that says, "All Welcome." I will carry a spear and a shield and have a bone through my nose. I will put warpaint on my face and eventually turn the warpaint into a tattoo. I may also dress up like a Jew from time to time and bring the Talmud with me to Church. After the Sermon, I will stand next to the preacher and start passing out Yamakas from Daniel Bennenfeld's Bartmitzvah.

And if all of this doesn't restore my sanity, then I'm going to move to Las Vegas and drink myself to death.

58 comments:

Canadian flake said...

lmao I think you should forget the water...and just skip to the "moving to vegas" and drinking yourself to death part..lol

Tod said...

Fried Food Fridays. I like it. It should be like a global event to promote peace, harmony and love of Zinger burgers.

Biscuit said...

In Biscuit world, it's Wensday everyday.

Am I the only one who thought Love Boat was a naughty show, and got turned on when people would grope and kiss?

Or maybe that was just the beginning of my porn addiction...

Dana said...

I'm thinking you should just move your desk - and your life for that matter - into the bathroom on Monday. It will save you a lot of time and you won't need to purchase any Depends!

Leighann said...

You have way too much time on your hands my friend. I think you need to get laid!

The Lone Beader said...

Yea, there used to be some good TV on Saturdays. Like Solid Gold! When I was like 7yrs. old, I used to clear my busy schedule to watch that... LOL.

nikki said...

Just move to Vegas. It would be so much easier. On Mondays you'd never be able to leave the bathroom. Might as well get a catheter.

Knight said...

Monday sounds like a bitch and it would really suck if Tuesday was Monday again. You should consider expanding Wednesday's rules to cover the entire work week. Are the 12 missing hours of Thur the sleeping hours of Wensday? Like 12-6am and then the Fried food Friday hours of 6-12pm? 30 Hours of fried food friday? Good luck. You will be shiny as a sausage after all the bloating from the water and the grease from KFC. Just try not to explode.

Jay said...

The only change I would make to your new schedule is to make Tuesdays "Tequila Tuesday" I think that would be a nice balance to all the water on Monday.

Hey, Soul Train is still on Saturday mornings!

furiousBall said...

If you lived closer, I'd introduce you to the Dutch Wagon Market, only open on Fridays and Saturdays. There is this Amish pretzel stand, they are the greatest pretzels ever. But the ultimate are the pretzel dogs. Picture a hotdog wrapped in perfectly baked pretzel, brushed with butter and oh I nearly forgot, filled with melted cheese. Yes. Oh God yes.

Casdok said...

Ummm... am interesting way to restore ones sanity.
Let us know if it works!!

Emmeline said...

Hmmm . . . sounds like a good plan. And, even though it IS "Wensday" and you can, according to the new rules, spell it however you want, this English degree-holder (not major, mind you, DEGREE!) would just like to point out that "yamaka" is actually spelled "yarmulke." :) :)

Em

fiwa said...

Sounds like you have a case of the crushing sameness of it all. Sorry dude. I like your plan though - specially Friday - but I do agree with Jay that Tuesday should be tequilla tuesday. And Wenesday could be Whisky Wensday... I'm stuck on a "th" drink, but I have faith that you can find one and keep the ball rolling.

Love Boat & Fantasy Island. That's when T.V. was good.

Big Pissy said...

I agree with fiwa....Love Boat and Fantasy Island...that's when T.V. was good....

Burfica said...

I love your sunday, we should all do that on sunday. hahahahahaha

The Mama Bear said...

Holy Sunday sounds like a great movement we should all do this.

Chris H said...

Hi dude, thanks for popping into my blog... hey it's the 20th March here... Spring time for you guys! I hope you have your BIG day out planned ... watching all the women strip off their winter layers an all.... don't forget to take the bub with you! He needs to see it afterall, he's a bloke too! ha ha ha..... your blog (therefore you) are a scream! I think I will pop back here again! later dude.

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

LMFAO!

Great plan! Let me know if it works. I might try it my own self.

katie said...

Corky! Oh, how i love your plan of action here. It's all so fucked up and demented, yet so appealing in many ways! I love it! sign me up, man!

I say you also shoot for Kareokee Thursdays, though, Corkster. what you have is great, i'm not taking anything away from it at all. but i think Kareokee Thursdays could add that lil' extra sumtin' sumtin'. :)

Cheryl said...

If this plan makes you sane, I'm afraid. Very afraid.

I'm having a Wasteful Wednesday, myself.

Patti said...

Any Fucking Day But Tuesday is awesome!!! I do object, though, to adding time to Friday. Let's take the extra time and tack it on to Saturday so that there's more TV time and Friday can still be short and sweet and we don't have to work as long.

Or, wait, is work no longer a part of this plan? I'd elect you king of the world if you implemented a no-work clause.

HoosierGirl5 said...

Have we had a bad week?

I would really like to see you show up at a Catholic church as a head hunter. That would be something.

I hope the weekend is better for you.

Hugs,
J.

Ashley said...

You are adding six hours to Hump Day? On second thought, not a bad idea! ;)

Ashley Ladd said...

While you're at it, can you add another couple days to the week? One day has to be for Star Wars and Star Trek watching.

Hopefully, I'll be able to laser gun anyone who pisses me off, when I get my new bionic ear. Will let you know.

Farmer*swife said...

Awww, $h!t-fire! I had a really great comment...and then got distracted by reading everyone elses comments...and, my key board is really loud and my baby brother is sleeping [I think] and I'm in his "rental room" clickity clicking.

I'll come back tomorrow more energized...I have a whitty reply. I just lost it...in the quietness and all.

Oh, I referred to you in my political post [I'm not political]. Only in offering my respect of the "Trek-ology."

I was too lazy/tired [again] to link to you. Night! Smooch your Junior!

eric1313 said...

Hey, at least Tom stinkin' Brady lost his ass in the last two minutes of the Super Bowl! The Manning boys are his nemisis. If it takes two of them to drag him down, then so be it! I loved seeing those last desperate hail mary's of his fall into thin air as the clock wound down.

Yeah I was trapped under a glacier called Escananba Michigan for a while, but I mangaed to escape.

It's back to the blogging life for me!

TheBirdman33 said...

If I leave after work on Saturday, I can be there around lunch time for "Intervention Sunday"


Allyson and Max, I'm coming...it's gonna be alright!

Pink said...

Corky, you are my heroine.

Oh wait...its not Wensday

Shit! Its Thursday! I better get my ass in gear!
xx
pinks

captain corky said...

Canadian Flake: I'm not quite ready to give up just yet, but all that drinking does sound very enticing. ;)

Tod: Yeah, even vegetarians can participate. While we're enjoying the good life they can eat fried Zucchini.

Biscuit: In Corky's brain it's Wednesday every day, too. The Love Boat is one of my favorite shows of all time. But when I watch it now I obsess on Lauren Tewes and her old coke habit. LOL

Dana: I just slap some of Max's diapers together. It won't be a problem... ;)

Leighann: "Someone once told me that time was a predator that stalked us all our lives. I rather believe that time is a companion who goes with us on the journey and reminds us to cherish every moment, because it will never come again. What we leave behind is not as important as how we've lived"

Captain Picard - First Contact.

If only I had more time. ;)

captain corky said...

Nikki: No need for a catheter. I'll just spend Mondays in a rainforest and no one will ever notice. ;)

Knight: LOL! I really hope I don't explode. On Thur you just never know when the day is going to change or what day it's going to become. You could just be sitting there minding your own business doing your Thur thing, and a minute later it's Fried Food Friday.

Jay: Soul Train's been fucking up my DVR recording's of Happy Days. I'm not a happy camper. Maybe a shot of tequila will set things right.

Furiousball: Those pretzels sound really, really fucking good!

captain corky said...

Casdok: All you have to do is check your sitemeter and if I'm still blogging from KY, everything is ok. ;)

Emmeline: Misspelling the work yarmulke is just one of the many reasons that I got excommunicated from Rabbinical College. ;)

Fiwa: TV has always been great, but when you're younger it seems even greater. My dear friend, a toast. Welcome to Corky's log. ;)

Big Pissy: I think we should start a petition to get those show back on the air!

Burfica: It would be fun, wouldn't it? LOL

captain corky said...

The Mama Bear: Maybe we could go in as a tribe. Will you be our leader? ;)

Chris H: Thanks for stopping by. That's right today is the first day of Spring! I hope it doesn't rain. Me and Jr need some action! ;)

Whim: So far so good. Thur is flying by. ;)

Katie: Corkyeoke Monday sounds like it might be a better idea. I will spend the days singing to people instead of just talking to them. And that way I won't need to use the bathroom as much. ;)

Cheryl: If this plan doesn't make me sane it might just be the plan that gets me put away for a very long time! ;)

captain corky said...

Patti: Work is no longer the plan when I hit the lottery, which should have been last night. Haven't checked the numbers yet.

Captain Corky: King of the World! I like it. A lot!!!

Hoosiergirl5: No, just long and I'm awfully tired. Do you think they would spray Holy Water on me? I think that only works on vampires though. ;)

Ashley: Yeah, you could use it for sleep, or drinking. Basically anything you want.

Ashley Ladd: That would be sweet! And with talk like that, I could fall in love you. ;)

Farmer*swife: I will add you today at some point. It's so hard to keep track these days. I look forward to reading your comment and your post. ;)

captain corky said...

Eric1313: It was the most amazing Super Bowl of all time!!! Watching them lose was so gratifying. I still have it on DVR. But all of this talk of football is going to depress me. LOL

Welcome Back!!!

Birdman: LOL! Please, no more interventions...

Pink: We'll always have heroine and heroin. ;)

CRUSTYBEEF said...

hmmm...I am have to implement the jewish twist idea into my own church..after all, I am Coexisting..I like that idea..

and to help you with your Love Boat and Fantasy Island Saturday showing, might I suggest a cruise?
I can help you with that..and I won't charge for therapy lessons!!

HA!
What you really need, is a date night alone with your darling wife!!

I'm off like a prom dress,
Always,
Crusty~

leslie said...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Wuerfel5.jpg

Seven come eleven!

Real Live Lesbian said...

Please post which church you'll be attending in your head hunter outfit! I am sooo going there!

We'll picnic on the grounds afterwards. I'll bring the fried chicken!

dilling said...

I will participate in Wensday, Thrursday and Fried Food Fridays... only I will not be at KFC, but at the Fox and Hound with a platter of deep fried halibut and fries(and a pint of brew)... c'mon Friday! Oh wait...today is Thur, so Friday is almost here.

Ginormous Boobs said...

There is such a thing as a KFC buffet?!? Now I know what I'm doing all 7 days next week.

Pud said...

WOW! Life really does have you beat down.

Hang in there buddy!

Scarlett said...

Sounds like a plan, I may have to try this out!

But seriously, be careful of drinking too much water, urinate regularly...water in too large a quantity can lead to serious problems...including death.

HHNT!

Alekx said...

ohhhh with Fried Food Friday, and all the grease and gliding this will be a good day for sex as well since you can save money on lube.

Just a thought

Okay maybe we should meet in Vegas

ALF said...

Don't move to Vegas - it's too hot there.

Gina said...

Dude, the last I heard, you and I were going to frolicking in heaven, and now THIS?

Come now, it can't be that bad, my friend.

Take a trip to sunny SoCal and watch your worries melt away. Uh, along with the contents of your wallet. But you'd still be having fun!

captain corky said...

Crusty: If passing anyone could make it work, you can. ;)

Leslie: LOL. We played all sorts of those games when we were kids, and I still have DC Heroes with a bag full of 10 sided dice.

Real: Why not join our tribe instead? We could always use a Real Live Lesbian Headhunter with us. ;)

Dilling: I think I like your dinner plans better. Fried Fish and chips, and brew it is!

Ginormous Boobs: LOL! We here in Kentucky pride ourselves on Fried Chicken. ;)

Guilty Secret said...

So how will you spell hyponatremia?

Oh wait, it won't matter, it will have already killed you!

No, corky, nooooooooo!!!!

captain corky said...

Pud: I'm ok! Just having a little fun.

Scarlett: I guess I better stick to beer then. ;)

Alekx: Just think, if grease gliding becomes an Olympic Sport we'll clean house!

Alf: It is hot there, but I LOVE that town!

Gina: I hope to make it out there someday. I hear there's really good reefer in Cali. ;)

captain corky said...

Guilty: Don't worry dear, there's plenty of salt in Fried Chicken. It's the Colonel's secret ingredient. Well, that and lard. ;)

Tequila Mockingbird said...

hydration is key. you should know this because you drink heavily too. my game plan is always waking up, drinking a glass of water AT LEAST while buring off 200+ cals on the elliptical, then a shower, then another glass of water while getting ready for work. it's the only way to balance the previous evenings shenanigans out.

katy said...

Let me know when you move to Vegas and I will be there!

Portia said...

well talk about shaking things up! sure beats scooting daylight savings time up a couple weeks:)

Ashley Ladd said...

Wow! You're one popular dude - 53 comments.

Did Scotty help you beam everybody in here?

CRUSTYBEEF said...

What do I want more?
Some of corky's awesome commentors, or for the snow to stop..
tough question.
Someone come bury me out.
Happy Easter Corky and family!
Always,
Crusty~

mjd said...

Interesting day in the middle of the week where you spell words any way you want. Sheeesh, that is a lot of water.

You could come to our church except we do not have a sign out front, and the drive might take four and half hours. But all are welcome including over-hydrating, unique-spelling, fried food-eating, television-watching superheroes.

HAR said...

Nobody can ever accuse you of being ordinary.

Palm Springs Savant said...

Corky- You are so right. Saturday night TV WAS the best. Actually, the fun started on what we'll now refer to as Fried Food Fridays with 8:00 Dukes of Hazzard then 9:00 Dallas. Saturday Love Boat and Fantasy Island ROCKED. Lucky for me I never had any dates to get in the way of these awesome TV nights ;-o

captain corky said...

Tequila: Usually I have it bad enough where the only cure is to chug a beer, or take a couple of shots.

Such is the life of a part time alcoholic... ;)

Katy: I heart that city!!! The only things missing from Vegas is an Ocean. ;)

Portia: LOL! This plan would definitely be a lot more useful to farmers!

Ashley Ladd: Roughly 20 percent of them come from me, but I really do love myself. ;)

Crusty: Happy Easter! Are you enjoying Even Better Saturday? ;)

captain corky said...

MJD: We have a whole tribe now. There's at least three of us now... That is a whole tribe according to the way I do math. ;) Better put on some extra coffee, cause we're a comin!!!

Har: That's all I can ask for! ;)

Rick: I never had any dates on those nights back then either, but then again I wasn't even 10 yet. LOL