Wednesday, March 19, 2008
The monotony of everyday living is really starting to take a toll on my sanity... With gas prices, sleep deprivation, rain, traffic, taxes, fucked up politics, and lack of quality television programing, I've had all I can take. So in order to retain my sanity, I've decided to restructure the reality of my week.
On Mondays my new routine will be to over hydrate on water. I will start the morning off by playing power hour with H2O. That means that I will drink one shot of water every minute for 60 minutes. And then after that I will drink a 16 oz bottle of water every hour for the remaining 23 hours of the day. By the end of the day I should be pissing nothing but water. If there is any color of fowl odder in my urine this means that I failed my Monday goal. I will now call Monday, Over hydrated Monday.
Any Other Fucking Day, but Tuesday will be the new name for the third day of the week. I will use a six sided die, that you can find in just about every board game ever invented, and I will roll the die when I wake up to determine what day of the week it will be. For instance, if I roll a 1 it will be Sunday and all of Sunday's rules will apply. This means that I'll have to come up with an elaborate reason for not going to work. I'll also speak in tongues after breakfast until about noon. You get the idea. Tuesday is out!
Letterman Wensday is probably going to be my favoirte day of the week. This is the day of the week that I spell words anyway I want, starting with Wensday. I will remove unnessary letters from words like the silent D and the usless E from the word Wensday. The people at work who recieve reports from me will just have to deal with it, and so will all of the English Majors that read Corky's log. ;)
Thursday will be cut in half and called Thur. I will add 6 hours to Wensday and six hours to Friday. This will make Thur fly by, and I'll be so crazed from running around like a rooster with his head cut off trying to get everything done, that I'll actually receive an adrenalin rush from all of the madness.
My stomach is really looking forward to Fried Food Friday. That's all I'm going to eat. Here I come KFC Buffet! Grease will be dripping down my chin and I'll smell like a deep fryer that hasn't been cleaned in a month. I will glide smoothly across floors from all of the grease on the soles of my once white sneakers. Please don't worry about my cholesterol level, folks. That's what Monday's are now for.
Since Saturday is the best day of the week it will basically stay unaltered except that I'll start watching The Love Boat at 9:00 PM and Fantasy Island at 10:00. Saturday used to be a really great day for TV when I was a youngin. Whatever Happened to Great TV on Saturday?
Holy Sunday will be a day of spirituality and healing. On Holy Sunday I will dress up like a head hunter and attend any church that has a sign out front that says, "All Welcome." I will carry a spear and a shield and have a bone through my nose. I will put warpaint on my face and eventually turn the warpaint into a tattoo. I may also dress up like a Jew from time to time and bring the Talmud with me to Church. After the Sermon, I will stand next to the preacher and start passing out Yamakas from Daniel Bennenfeld's Bartmitzvah.
And if all of this doesn't restore my sanity, then I'm going to move to Las Vegas and drink myself to death.