Thursday, August 19, 2010


Luke Skywalker and I dated on and off for seven years. However, when "on" and "off" was seems to be open to interpretation. We remember it differently. I hope I wasn't on when he was off, because that would be rather humiliating.

Holy crap, I'd better make up for not seeing other people when he was!

Wanna date?


Oh, maybe that's not such a good idea, as I'm married with a child.

Over the course of those seven years I watched Skywalker go through some highly amusing phases. The first and most ongoing phase was Skywalker Van Zeppelin. After our requisite makeout session I would lie back on the couch as Skywalker would pick up his Holy Grail Guitar and try to play each Led Zeppelin track in chronological album order. Unfortunately, he would stop midway through "Good Times Bad Times" because he kept playing the wrong notes. (Just kidding, he made it all the way through Led Zeppelin and Led Zeppelin II before I had to get home, otherwise my parents were going to call the police.)

The next phase was hip-hop.  Nineteen-naughty-three, y'all. This one was by and far the most mortifyingly ridiculous. Thanks to a combination of French and Italian genetics, Skywalker is whiter than a proverbial sheet, and listening to him try to sing along to Naughty By Nature was nothing short of aural rape. Thankfully, that phase was short lived as Skywalker eventually admitted defeat against the reigning Sith Lord, I mean Positive K.

At the midpoint of these seven years, we both found other people to have sex with for a while. (This is probably the only time we can agree things were definitely "off".) This was the beginning and end of Skywalker's Skinny Blonde phase. Being an athletic brunette, I fell off Skywalker's radar with a resounding thud.

Despite the fact that we were 750 miles away from each other, and that Skinny Blonde had her considerable inseam wrapped around him, my then-bed-partner The English Mental Patient kept asking me about my relationship with Skywalker. Always at very inopportune moments. It gave a whole new meaning to coitus interruptus. This makes me think The English Mental Patient was far more interested in Skywalker than in me. (The EMP is still single and I'm afraid to ask if he's still holding out for Skywalker.)

Skinny Blonde and The English Mental Patient both became history after about a year. Enter Skywalker's Whatever I Can Get phase. If it had tits and a pussy and wasn't grossly overweight, he was totally interested. Although absolutely nothing was stopping me from living the Chelsea Handler Horizontal Life, I was far too reserved to stop, drop, and spread.  I couldn't even get it together to participate in a drunken "sure thing" threesome with Skywalker and my friend, The Magnette.  Skywalker didn't have the same problem. In fact, he and The Magnette had a rather lovely, very special six hour relationship.  Despite having my ego clubbed like a baby seal, I continued to sleep with him due to a lethal mixture of inertia and extreme cynicism.  Working a dead-end job and living with my parents, seemingly no way out, I'm a friggin Journey song... Looking back, the least I could have done was indulge in night after night of meaningless sex with strangers.

Hey, let's make up for lost time!

Oh, yeah, I'm married with a kid. That would be somewhat expensive.

After about two years of living at home post college I had to get the fuck out in the worst way. After five months of being the token tits in my network engineering class at the Chubb Institute, I took the first job that was offered to me... in Joliet, Illinois. New job, new life, new bed, new schlong. The Ilia Phase, if it ever existed, was over.


Peter said...

If I ever return home, you might be in trouble, in some sense.

My first child was vindication for all the years I was a royal fuck-up; I would not have sired him had I "done the right thing" way back when.

I have no homosexual tendencies, but I think it's OK to say that Han Solo was so much more manly than Luke that, by comparison, Luke might as well have been Leia's identical twin. But WTF do I know?

Peter said...

BTW: Since I did this on Facebook, it ain't blogging, per se, right?

Lieutenant Ilia said...

I might be in trouble? Damn. I know I should have gotten a condom.

Peter said...


captain corky said...

I remember the early 90’s… I was living at home with my parents and just starting to recover from a severe bout of depression brought on by the breakup of Jungle Cat back in 1987.

Our setlist would have killed at Battle of the Bands! We were gonna open with Spirit of Radio (Rush) and finish with The Love you Save (Jackson Five). Under Pressure (Queen and Bowie) would have been our encore and there’s no telling how many New Jersey broads I would have banged as a result of the performance.