A day of shopping

Another wonderful weekend is coming to an end all to shortly. It was another beautiful day outside today, but since I got my monthly quota of the outdoors last week I decided to do some much needed shopping today. First clothes and then grocery. Allyson is finishing up her Master's degree this week so she didn't come with me.

Dispatching Corky to buy shirts and pants by himself is fine because I know exactly what I want and need. Primary colored polo shirts and Docker pants for work. Sending Corky to hunt down finely shredded Orange Peel at the grocery is a completely different story, especially on a Sunday when all the assholes are out in full force. I almost had a full mental breakdown in the supermarket and had to call Allyson no less than 5 times. But even more excruciating then the hunt for orange peel, I also happen to run in to the Beast aka my neighbor.

The Beast is the meanest bitch alive, and only wears one outfit. An off the shoulder Belinda Carlisle shirt with really skimpy red shorts. I'm sure someone out there could tell me what this shirt is really called, but the beast is not hot, not skinny, and it's not 1985! The fact that the beast only has one outfit and is one of the scariest human beings I have ever seen is not my real issue with her. My real issue with her is that she has a handy cap parking sign in front of her apartment. The only problem is that she is not physically handicapped. How do I know this besides sheer speculation? Because I discovered just recently that the beast works for the company that I work for. Yes ladies and gentlemen the Beast and I live, work, and shop all in the same places.

The Beast is a union employee and I'm not. As a union employee the beast is required to lift up to 70 pounds to perform her job. That's how I know she's not handicapped. That and I watch her carry her laundry basket with one arm on her clothed shoulder sometimes. She also likes to scare the children and the elderly by ridding her bike around the parking lot sometimes. And it's not just Allyson and me who hate her. The only thing we ever talk to the other people that live here about is how much they hate the Beast too. But enough about the Beast already.

I can't believe the weekends just about over, but the good news is we're one week closer to the arrival of Corky Jr. How was your weekend?

Hear Ye! Hear Ye!

I know there are some old friends and some new ones that need to know that I am back baby! I have some new material over in the cupboard that you all may enjoy. I will be posting again with a lot more regularity and have lots to tell.

I can't wait to see my old friends again and hopefully meet some new ones.

(and that concludes our broadcast day)

It feels good to "say" that again!

With Love-
The Birdman33

Merry Draft Day

First of all, I'd just like to say that I would rather be fishing then writing this post, but I promised my wife I would do some cleaning today. And since I'm a good husband, instead of spending the day nailing catfish down at the Ohio I'll be walking around the apartment in my boxers scrubbing the toilet, mopping floors and making sure that all allergens from dust mites, pet dander, and pollen are completely eliminated from our home.

So while I clean I guess it's OK if I keep the NFL Draft on as "background noise." This just isn't the time of year to be sitting in the recliner while scarfing down chicken wings and Cheese Doodles. I've got to be constantly moving while I watch. Too much dead time in between picks.

For those of you that have never watched the Draft before, there is 15 minutes between picks, 32 teams and a shit load of rounds. In other works I could very easily sweep and mop the kitchen floor between picks 1 and 2. Would I rather be on the couch drinking beer and staining my clothes for the next two days? Of course. But like I said, this is the wrong time of the year for that kind of silliness.

Jamarcus Russell just went to the Raiders as the number 1 pick in the Draft. Translation: Corky now has 15 minutes to scrub the toilet.

Smooth like Captain Corky

So it's looking like the book is going to be ready for distribution just in time for the holiday season. All my hard work is finally going to pay off. There are still a few minor details that I need to work out like writing the book, finding a publisher, and all that other bullshit. But the hard part is finished, and I don't think I even have to tell you what the hard part is... I would just like to say that I appreciate everybody's patience, encouragement, and support through this entire process. It's been a surreal experience.

I intend on rewarding myself for my life's achievement with either a monogrammed smoking jacket or a bathrobe with the initials, C.C. in case you've forgotten. It's important that I wear my new coat with style, dignity and class. I don't want to look like a scumbag with the smoking jacket and I don't want to come across as a middle class schnook who orders egg noodles with ketchup instead of spaghetti with Marina sauce. I think a pipe may be the key accoutrement to my dream ensemble that separates me from all of the riffraff.

Once the book is out I'm going to be doing a lot of entertaining, some press conferences, and probably quite a few book signings and because of these things I have to look good. Could you imagine me sitting in my two bedroom apartment with all of my fellow author friends dressed like a complete and utter slob who doesn't even own a smoking jacket? That would just be pathetic.

I've trolled all over the Internet and it's now apparent that I'm going to have to get this thing custom designed. Money is not an issue for my finest garment. Nothing is too good for this P.A. man. ;)

Contrary to popular opinion, plastic is not bio-degradable.

After reading many of your blogs on Friday I learned that the weather was supposed to be really nice over the weekend. I pretty much believe everything I read on blogs; still, I had to see what a nice day looked like for myself. It's been so long since I've gotten out of this computer chair and experienced a nice day outside. I have plenty agreeable days inside, but not so many outside. It's usually either to cold or to hot outside in Louisville. The perfect days are few and far between. But Saturday was one of those perfect days that I hear so much about.

I'm obviously capable of generating many perfect days, but the credit for this one goes to a power greater than myself. We started out by eating at our favorite country restaurant, Cracker Barrel. Coffee, stimulating conversation, and breakfast food is a great way to start a perfect day. So is smoking a joint, but I'm on sabbatical from weed this week. And then after we finished breakfast we did the unthinkable, we decided to go to the park instead of shopping.

The magnificent body of water in these pictures is called the Ohio river. The land on the other side of the river is called Indiana. I don't know to much about Indiana except that I can buy fireworks legally, but I can't set them off there (do you find this as stupid as I do?) and the RCA Dome is about two hours from where I took this picture.

We spent about an hour at the park and then we went home and consummated our perfect day by watching some television. Well, I watched some TV, the pregnant woman took a nap. Then we cooked dinner together. Yep. A perfect day.

Friday was a pretty mediocre day until I went over to Sunshine's blog and learned that she gave me a Thinking Blogger Award and wrote some really nice things about me. I've pretty much been stalking her blog all weekend and rereading the post ever since discovering it. I probably would have read it about 10 more times, but she has one of those cursed Site Meters and I don't want her to think I'm 100 percent freak. 75 percent is fine. Her blog is about her family and her life and she's really funny. She's also extremely generous and rumor has it she's a big Star Wars fan as well. She's also been known to be a little rebellious towards hippies at times. I enjoy reading her blog and really you would too. Again, I say thank you Sunshine.

Answers to some questions

Luckily for the world I never run out of things to write about. Yesterday a lot of questions were asked and I think it's very necessary to respond to those questions and comments in a follow up post. I feel that by responding to your questions and comments our bond will only become stronger, and our love that much greater.


A good percentage of my readers and the bloggers that I read already have kids. This is good because they have so much wonderful knowledge and experience to pass on to me. Something that I never considered when Allyson and I started planning on having a family is that a baby boy might piss in my face. Now that I'm aware of this possibility Allyson and I have been preparing for this by shooting each other with a garden hose, at full power, when the other least expects it. As a result our reaction time is way up. And I've managed to keep the spray above Allyson's neck. I've got to be careful ya know, she's pregnant.

I can't wait to see this baby for the first time. Preferably fully clothed with a smile on his face. I've tried my best to convince Allyson to let me wait outside while she takes care of business, but she ain't having it. I have mandatory husband duty sometime near July 10th. That's only 12 weeks away. Really 11 because this weeks just about over. Wow, It's almost time for Father Corky's second Sermon.

As much as I wanted to recreate the bridge of the Enterprise for Corky Jr's nursery, Allyson wasn't having any of that either. She wants the kid to grow up with some class and dignity, and she wants the kid to grow up being a dren. A dren is the opposite of nerd just in case you never watched Happy Days before.

So instead of Enterprise grey, the babies room is going to be antique white with white trim. The theme of the room is going to be primary colors and ABC 1, 2, 3's. I knew what color the room was going to be because I painted it, but I learned all the other stuff last night after asking Allyson. Very fascinating stuff. As you can see the nursery is not exactly finished yet. It should be done sometime in May. I hope this helped with some of your curiosity.

DEAR, YOU

2 POUNDS, AND 4 OUNCES, THAT'S HOW MUCH CORKY JR WEIGHS NOW. THE LITTLE SHIT IS GETTING SO BIG. PRETTY SOON WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO MOVE HIM FROM ALLYSON'S STOMACH TO A CRIB.

I'M SURE IT WON'T TAKE HIM TOO LONG TO ADJUST. I REMEMBER WHEN I MADE THE TRANSITION FROM WOMB TO ROOM. I FELT A BIT DISORIENTATED AT FIRST BECAUSE OF ALL THE NEW SPACE AND I WAS A BIT SCARED OF THE "OUTSIDE" WORLD, BUT MOM SOOTHED ME WITH SOME MILK, A NIGHT LIGHT AND SESAME STREET. EVEN THEN IT WAS TV THAT GOT ME THROUGH THE ROUGH PATCHES.

ANYWAY I BETTER GET GOING, BECAUSE I HAVE THINGS TO DO. HAVE A GREAT DAY!

YOURS TRULY,

CORKY

Glove

In eight days the new furniture is coming. Then two weeks later it's the NFL draft. Approximately eleven weeks after that my son should be here. Three months after my son's birthday I intend on knocking up my wife again ( Irish twins). I have not exactly convinced Allyson that this is a good idea. Yet. Give me time... There was exactly 22203354 seconds until Christmas about a minute ago, give or take a couple of seconds. All of this and I still need to go fishing for the first time this year. Now do you people understand how busy I am?

That's pretty heavy shit if you ask me, and I didn't even smoke any pot when I was thinking about all of this stuff. And to top it all off, next time I'll be 40. Time is definitely moving at a steady pace and for some reason I've been dwelling on my own mortality again. According to one of the 25 pregnancy websites we check in on daily, It's typical for a guy to think about where his life has been and where it's going right before he's about to become a father.

Besides getting this place ready, pondering my existence, and watching TV; I've also had this insatiable desire to buy a baseball mitt for days. It's been years since I actually played baseball, and as far as sports go I like football 10 times better. Yet, every time I go to Target I find myself sneaking off to try on a glove. Maybe it's because I'm brainwashed by the movie Field of Dreams or maybe it's because I used to play catch with my father when I was a boy. The fact that my father never wore a glove, once, when we played catch really doesn't matter. It's a bit peculiar but it doesn't diminish the fact that he indeed played catch with me. Come to think of it I don't think we ever tossed a football around. He might have thrown a football at my head once or twice, but that was a lot later in life, and more than likely I deserved it. I too will play catch with my son someday. The only difference is that I will be wearing a baseball glove.

I forgot to mention that Heroes returns in 11 days on my time line. It's really not that important to me, but I guess I've also been brainwashed by that announcer with the really annoying voice on NBC who sounds like he's jerking off every time he plugs one of their shows.

Resurrection

I had me some really good ham over at my Mother In Law's house yesterday. Along with the scrumptious pork, I had some green beans, mashed potatoes, mac-n-cheese, and a piece of chocolate pudding pie. It was all very delicious. I think Allyson and some other people were eating with me, but I couldn't tell you because I couldn't see past my plate. It was the best meal I've had in at least three weeks. Most people at the table yesterday were celebrating the Resurrection of Christ. I was actually celebrating the Resurrection of my apartment.

On Saturday my wife and I spent what most people would consider to be an obscene amount of money on new furniture. I was up at 7: AM shopping. Allyson is in nesting mode and according to her everything we own minus our bed must go. She even told me that she wanted to throw away our DVD's, and said that we didn't need them... Anyway, I agreed with her that everything else needed to change about our apartment. After all I don't want Corky Jr. thinking I'm some kind of asshole who's furniture doesn't match.

So basically we have until April 20th (furniture day) to get this place ready. We spent Saturday afternoon putting together a new TV Stand and then on Saturday night/Sunday morning I started painting while listening to One Big Holiday, by My Morning Jacket. It's actually been a lot of fun so far. The last room that we're going to put together is Corky Jr's. Allyson and Erika will be taking care of that in May while I sit on the couch and catch up on all the TV I'm going to be missing over the next couple of weeks.

Lastly, I felt Corky Jr. kick yesterday for the first time. Amazing.

Toothpicks are the new Copenhagen

About 3 weeks ago I finished taking the Nicoderm patch. Life was great back in those days. I would wake up around 5 or 6, make myself a nice pot of coffee, and slap on the patch. 15 minuets later I was in heaven, especially during step 1 when I was getting 21 milligrams of nicotine a day. It was a very fulfilling routine and I was actually enjoying nicotine more than I had in a really long time. Plus, it was nice to receive all the accolades from friends and family about quitting. I really wish Copenhagen would have joined the party and sent me a retirement plaque or at the very least a little thank you card. Maybe the plaque would have said something like,"Captain Corky, thanks for 18 years of service 1989-2007." That would have been nice.

I spent my last day on the patch (step 3, 7 milligrams) in beautiful scenic New Jersey (while I was on vacation with Allyson) and it seemed like it was going to be a pretty smooth transition from patch to patchlessness(contrary to your personal opinion that's a real word). But then the Nor'easter hit and I was stuck in Kim Jong Ramone's house for two days... Two days with nothing to do but adopt Kim Jong Ramones's mannerisms and peculiar habits. (My freinds and I have a chameloeon like component to our relationships and it only takes about 5 minutes of spending time together before it's 1987 again). All of this, plus the fact that I was completely tobacco free for the first time in however many years. Needless to say I was going stir crazy within hours and I was also neurotically pacing. (Thank you KJR).

Around 1:00 PM I couldn't take it any more and I started to go through KJR's liquor cabinet looking for a nice bottle of Vodka. Don't ask me why but Kim Jong Ramone looked at the clock, looked at me, and started to freak out. He called my wife, who was upstairs reading at the time, to come down so they could run a quick intervention on my ass. Kim Jong Ramone and Allyson were successful and I gave KJR the bottle back at 1:05 PM. As a consolation prise for not drinking the Vodka I rewarded myself by grabbing a box of toothpicks out of KJR's kitchen cabinet. That was then and this is now.

Sometimes Allyson complains about sticking her hands with toothpicks when she's doing the laundry. I now have a mandatory box of toothpicks located at every place I sit my ass, both cars, my computer, the TV room and my desk at work. I can't go any longer then 15 minutes with out a toothpick, and I even pick in the shower sometimes. One thing I know for sure is that picking is a lot cheaper than Dipping. 89 cents for 250 picks. Not bad, pretty good. That reminds me, I still need to call my broker and dump my Copenhagen stock and replace it with some Diamond stock.