2nd Anniversary Special

On Wednesday, March 29th, 2006, at 5:46 PM the World was introduced to Corky's log.

At this time I ask that you please join me in observing a moment of silence for all of the folks who no longer read Corky's log, or have stopped blogging all together...
You are fondly remembered and will never be forgotten.

Yesterday was the second anniversary of Corky's log. I was really sure that there was going to be a surprise celebrity roast held in my honor, but it never came to be. Strange.

My dear mother came to town on Thursday morning and we were on the go from the moment she got here until the moment she left. That woman sure does have a lot of energy. Max got spoiled rotten and that's always a good thing. We all gained 15 pounds over her short visit, so it was a very productive 4 days.

I look forward to another year of Corky's log and I thank all of you for continuing to read and contribute.

Sincerely Yours,
Captain Corky

THE PRICE IS RIGHT

Has anyone had a chance to watch Drew on The Price is Right yet? I caught the second half of an episode a couple of weeks ago and thought that Drew was doing a fine job. Replacing a game show host institution like Bob Barker can't be easy.

Do you even remember any of the freaks they tried to replace Richard Dawson with on the Family Feud?

Anyway, I got a letter in the mail from the IRS the other day, and it stated that the Tax relief checks are going to start hitting the mail in May and since I have a wife and a kid, I could see as much as a 1200 dollar check come sometime soon. Thank God.

And do you know what I'm going to do with that money? That's right folks, I'm going to build my very own George W Bush Showcase.

When I'm done I will be able to enjoy lazy Summer afternoons sitting in my backyard enjoying MY BRAND NEW PATIO FURNITURE.

I'll be able to serve drinks to friends and family and myself with MY BRAND NEW OUTSIDE BAR.

On those breezy cool Summer nights in KY (all two of them) I will be able to warm things up with MY BRAND NEW OUTSIDE FIRE PIT.

My son MAX WILL BE THRILLED TO PLAY IN HIS BRAND SPANKING NEW SAND BOX.

And Allsyon and I will be able to quench our dire thirst on those hot humid Summer days with a BRAND NEW CASE OF BUDWEISER.

I'll need something to cook all the HEAVENLY food that I'm going to be putting on MY BRAND NEW PICNIC TABLE SO THAT MEANS THAT I'LL HAVE TO BUY A BRAND NEW FUCKING GRILL.

AND IF I HAPPEN TO OVERBID MY GEORGE W BUSH SHOWCASE FOR MORE THAN THE AMOUNT OF MY TAX RELIEF CHECK, I'LL JUST APPLY FOR A BRAND NEW SEARS CREDIT CARD.

ALL OF THIS WILL BE MINE, REGARDLESS IF THE THE PRICE IS RIGHT!!!

Scarred for Life

Just out of curiosity... Is this the scariest looking thing you've ever seen, or what?

Good Friday was good. Lots of sleep.

Saturday was even better. We ate at a restaurant, shopped, and got lots of cleaning done. I showed Allyson what I want for Father's Day which will be here in less than 3 months. I'll divulge more information about that in an upcoming post.

Today is Sunday and the best is yet to come. Meaning dinner. I'm sure there will be ham, mac-n-cheese, mashed potatoes, and pizza.

I hope everyone who reads this post had a very nice weekend, no matter what your race, religion, color, creed, or sexual persuasion might be.

Notes: Last night The Ten Commandments was on, just like I predicted it would be.

Today I'm wearing Christmas boxers.

Letterman

The monotony of everyday living is really starting to take a toll on my sanity... With gas prices, sleep deprivation, rain, traffic, taxes, fucked up politics, and lack of quality television programing, I've had all I can take. So in order to retain my sanity, I've decided to restructure the reality of my week.

On Mondays my new routine will be to over hydrate on water. I will start the morning off by playing power hour with H2O. That means that I will drink one shot of water every minute for 60 minutes. And then after that I will drink a 16 oz bottle of water every hour for the remaining 23 hours of the day. By the end of the day I should be pissing nothing but water. If there is any color of fowl odder in my urine this means that I failed my Monday goal. I will now call Monday, Over hydrated Monday.

Any Other Fucking Day, but Tuesday will be the new name for the third day of the week. I will use a six sided die, that you can find in just about every board game ever invented, and I will roll the die when I wake up to determine what day of the week it will be. For instance, if I roll a 1 it will be Sunday and all of Sunday's rules will apply. This means that I'll have to come up with an elaborate reason for not going to work. I'll also speak in tongues after breakfast until about noon. You get the idea. Tuesday is out!
Letterman Wensday is probably going to be my favoirte day of the week. This is the day of the week that I spell words anyway I want, starting with Wensday. I will remove unnessary letters from words like the silent D and the usless E from the word Wensday. The people at work who recieve reports from me will just have to deal with it, and so will all of the English Majors that read Corky's log. ;)

Thursday will be cut in half and called Thur. I will add 6 hours to Wensday and six hours to Friday. This will make Thur fly by, and I'll be so crazed from running around like a rooster with his head cut off trying to get everything done, that I'll actually receive an adrenalin rush from all of the madness.

My stomach is really looking forward to Fried Food Friday. That's all I'm going to eat. Here I come KFC Buffet! Grease will be dripping down my chin and I'll smell like a deep fryer that hasn't been cleaned in a month. I will glide smoothly across floors from all of the grease on the soles of my once white sneakers. Please don't worry about my cholesterol level, folks. That's what Monday's are now for.

Since Saturday is the best day of the week it will basically stay unaltered except that I'll start watching The Love Boat at 9:00 PM and Fantasy Island at 10:00. Saturday used to be a really great day for TV when I was a youngin. Whatever Happened to Great TV on Saturday?

Holy Sunday will be a day of spirituality and healing. On Holy Sunday I will dress up like a head hunter and attend any church that has a sign out front that says, "All Welcome." I will carry a spear and a shield and have a bone through my nose. I will put warpaint on my face and eventually turn the warpaint into a tattoo. I may also dress up like a Jew from time to time and bring the Talmud with me to Church. After the Sermon, I will stand next to the preacher and start passing out Yamakas from Daniel Bennenfeld's Bartmitzvah.

And if all of this doesn't restore my sanity, then I'm going to move to Las Vegas and drink myself to death.

What Should I Do?

Every time I look at myself in the mirror (which is often) I find more and more gray hair on my head. I guess being a parent can be stressful. I thought I would have it all figured out by now.

But It seems the more that time goes by, the more concerns, fear and questions I have... One that's been really plaguing me in particular: Do I show Max Episode I - The Phantom Menace first, or should I start him off with Episode IV - A New Hope?

Because I saw Episode IV first, It's almost impossible for me to even imagine what it would be like to start with Episode I. Should I ever get amnesia, on the back of my drivers licence there is explicit instructions to show me Episode's 1 through 6 before any medication or therapy is administered. And after that, if the medication and therapy doesn't work, I'll simply go back and read Corky's log from start to finish to reeducate by brain. But let's face it folks, I'll probably never get a golden opportunity like that.

I won't even entertain the other concerns I have, like what if my offspring prefers non-Jedi characters like Han Solo, and Lando Calrissian better than the likes of Obi-Wan, Mace Windu, Yoda, or Qui-Gon? I don't know if I could ever get past that... That's the kind of shit that would keep me up all day if I really stopped to think about it.

Allyson suggests starting our children off with Episode IV because of the surprise elements. She makes a good point. Plus, they would get a chance to see that Episode I, II, III are far superior to the crap that we had no choice but to see first.

From top to bottom, the Prequel Trilogy is superior in every way, better acting, better dialogue, better special affects, better writing, and much, much more focus on the Force.

And how much hotter is Padme than Leia? Could you imagine if Padme had lived, and you were over at Leia's house and saw her mom? "Princess, you're OK, but I really wanna bang your mom!"

Sorry for the tangent. So, have any of you had to face a problem of this magnitude before? How did you handle it, or how would you? What are your opinions? Any help here would be hot.

Thunder Snow

It snowed a 11 inches between Friday and Saturday here in KY. Please don't let the big shit eatin' grins in this photo fool you... We hate fucking snow and everything about it.

First of all, snow is white. The gutters and trim on my house are also white and so are the clouds and most of my hat. All that white is very tacky. And do I really need to see blinding white everywhere I go? The worst thing about the color of snow is when I look out the window at it and then try to look at my TV, I start seeing spots all over the place and my eyes have trouble adjusting. Often I have to ask my wife what I missed because of my temporary blindness.

Secondly, it's wet. If I wanted wet I would go swimming or take a shower. I don't need wet, and I especially hate it when snow gets between my socks and my shoes. That's the absolute worst and I've never heard anybody talk about what an incredible sensation that is... I'm not really a big glove guy so snowballs, and igloos are out of the question.

Third of all, snow is really cold. I don't know if you're aware of this or not, but it can't snow unless it freezing. This means that I have to dress in layers to stay warm if I go outside. As a nudist I find this to be very destructive to the nature of my life style.

Fourth of all, I hate the way snow impacts the news. I can look outside my window to see that it's fucking snowing! I don't need to see the weatherman and all the idiot news broadcasters tell me that I should stay inside while it's snowing. Plus, with all the coverage that snow gets on these local broadcasts, I don't get my daily fix of doom and gloom. How many people were gunned down today? What catastrophic event wiped out a third world country? How bad is the economy? When does the Apocalypse start and do I still have time to accept Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Saviour?

Finally, there's Thunder Snow. Instead of one inch or a half of inch falling per hour we get 3 inches falling per hour. It's absolute madness... Well, unfortunately we just had to deal with spending a weekend trapped inside our home with nothing to do, but eat like hogs, watch TV and movies, and spend time with our son... atleast Max finally got to wear that polar bear jumpsuit I bought for him before he was born.

Dream

I woke up with a dream this morning
dreams only come once or twice in a lifetime
what am I going to do with this dream

you saved me and I never said thank you
I'm sorry for that
I just never realized
you gave me everything

last time my dream died so did part of my soul
the thing is I never saw it coming
your love for me kept me going
my love for you fuels the fantasy that was once reality and has now become the dream

she stood her ground when I didn't deserve it
her love woke me up from the fantasy
my love for her grows stronger every day
she's amazing

the day that he was born I was born again
he breathes new breath in me everyday
every moment of my life is filled with an indescribable joy
the dreams I have for us are just the beginning

I fantasize
I dream
and I love you
this-- is the story of my life

I wrote this thing a while back, and because it's the story of my life I'll be updating it from time to time.

March Mania

I've got a lot to cover in this post, so please bear with me.

On March 6th Max will be 8 months old. Time sure does fly after a person turns 21...

Next comes March 9th: Daylight Saving Time Begins. In order to adjust to this difficult shift in time I'm going to need to sleep 4 extra hours on March 8th, and 2 additional hours on March 10th.

March 17th is St. Patrick's Day which means that I'm gonna be eating fried fish, and drinking green beer anywhere from March 15th to the 17th, because for some strange reason, people in America celebrate St. Patrick's Day for days, and sometimes weeks.

Next comes March 20th and Spring begins. Hopefully it will be warm, because women do not like to wear clothes when the weather breaks for the first time after a long cold Winter. Can't wait! I'll probably hit the parks first, then I'll head over to the University of Louisville and finally the malls after it gets dark. I'll bring Max along cause he'll wanna see this shit for himself, and people will be too distracted by him to see what my true motive is. But don't worry, I'm not a fucking pervert. I just have Spring Fever.

The week after Spring begins my Mother comes to town to visit. That means that I'll have to get my Spring cleaning in by the weekend of the 22nd. I usually wait to NFL Draft day in April to do my spring cleaning, because it's really easy to coordinate different tasks between draft picks, but this year I'll be done already, so I'll just lay on the couch, drink beer and scratch my balls during the draft.

Finally, Easter is on the 23rd (Thanks, Jenny). I know they'll be showing the 10 Commandments (starring Charlton Heston) sometime during the Holiday weekend, so I'll have to be on the look out for that, cause last year my DVR fucked up during the recording. I sent my cable company a very angry letter about this, and I'm still waiting to hear back from the bastards!

And guess what? TV FINALLY RETURNS at the end of March beginning of April. Now I can quit that damn bowling league I joined during the Strike, and find fulfillment and purpose again. Thank God.