Labor Day 2007

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Welcome to The 1st Annual Captain Corky Labor Day Comment-a-thon. Finally! A three day weekend to just sit back and unwind, spend time with friends and family, get the kids and yourselves properly prepared for school (do parents still cover their kid's books with grocery bags?) attend or host barbeque's, catch that movie you've been waiting all Summer to see, and last but not least, leave multiple comments for Captain Corky today, tomorrow, Sunday and maybe part of Monday.

As the readership of this blog continues to expand, globally, so do costs! And in order to continue to provide you with the same great quality and content that you've grown accustom to... I'm going to need your help. I need lots of pledges in the form of comments. I don't care what you comment about either! Feel free to talk about yourself! What's Aunt Mildred doing these days? How much money did little Joey get from the Tooth Fairy for loosing his first tooth? How many times a week do you clean your dildo and where do you keep it? Anything goes people. But please remember that this is a wholesome family blog, and we certainly don't want to offend anyone. No seriously.

People like Cynical Bastard will be manning the log around the clock, to take and post your comments immediately. There will also be plenty of entertainment too, like Rockdog's radio show Saturday night at midnight.

I have big plans for the next comment-athon, but in the meantime let's enjoy this one. Happy Labor Day my friends. Ain't nothing like celebrating work!!!

PS Please make sure to check out my friend Glinda over at Teeny Manolo, and make sure to leave her lots of comments.

Update: 9/1/2007
I bought this sweet ornament over at the Hallmark store today while my car was getting fixed. Some fucking freak touched my kid's head. I thought about killing him, but then I pulled a Christ and decided to forgive him for his sin.

The Never Ending Battle

I can no longer use excuse number: 374 as a reason not to go to the gym. Over the weekend Allyson and I learned that our gym offers free daycare for all of its members who want to work out. Yesterday we took Jr to the gym daycare and we both worked out for 50 minutes. I did some light weight lifting and then walked for a half hour. Allyson walked for close to an hour. I'm already sore but I feel great mentally and physically.

2007, or The Year Of Captain Corky has been amazing so far. My son was born, I quit chewing tobacco, my beloved Colts won the Superbowl (surely a sign from God that it was going to be a great year for Corky, kind of like last last year when God sent me a sign by having my beloved Steelers win the Super Bowl in 2006, The year of Captain Corky). But I've got to get my weight under control!!! This is the next big battle I'm going to engage in. Over the past 11 years I've had limited success in losing weight off and on, but I won't be fooled again!

Without getting into a whole lot of details, along time ago I used to be in really good shape. I was able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, and I could lift at least 100 times my own weight, just like the common ant can, for example. My goal is to get in really good shape for the next Iron Man contest that comes through Louisville Kentucky or at least lose 30 pounds. One of the other, you know me I'm not particular.

However, this thought did cross my mind:

Today I could bring Jr to the Gym and pretend that I was going to work out and then sneak out the back door and go catch a movie. Then tomorrow after I drop Jr off at the gym I'll go bowling. My 8, 10 split needs a little work. And finally on Friday I'll go for a nice lunch downtown, and maybe even have a cocktail or two. By Sunday I should be ready to start seriously working out.

Milk does a Captain Corky Jr good!

I've never really been a big milk guy. Never had any real use for the stuff. Never bought into all the hype surrounding milk either. I find that washing down a mouthful of cookies with a big gulp of coke is way more affective and satisfying than dunking my cookies into a glass of milk and eating them that way. As a matter of fact, I would rather just grab a box of cereal on my way over to the couch then fix myself a bowl of cereal. What a hassle making a bowl of cereal has become. I guess sometimes when my teeth start to hurt I'll chug a glass of milk. I've read before, on the back of comic books, that milk is good for strong bones and teeth, but up until now I was pretty much convinced that the dairy farmers just said that shit so they could sell the stuff to dumb kids.

But damn... After 7 weeks of Captain Corky Jr eating nothing but milk (with some soy) look at how even more beautiful he's become! Plus, when the kid eats he looks like he's enjoying his bottle more than I look when I'm on my 6th beer. That's saying a lot folks. He's also eating more of the stuff daily. Up to 6 ounces twice already. It's been a very big week for Jr. Not only is he drinking more milk every day, but his umbilical stump finally fell off yesterday. What a week!!!

I think I'm gonna have to try this wonder drug for myself. Today I plan on throwing out all the food in our house, and for the next 7 weeks all I'm going to eat is milk. I know Allyson doesn't mind changing and feeding Max, but do you think she'll be just as enthusiastic about changing, feeding and burping me after every meal as well? Just think about how much more colorful I'll be in 7 weeks.

Rain

It's raining today. Can you believe that shit? I can't. I looked out my window around 8:00 this morning and low and behold it was raining. Genuine, consistent, wet rain, with thunder and lightning and everything. Wow!

I thought about putting on my rain coat and galoshes and grabbing Captain Corky Jr so that we could play in a puddle or someshit, but then it occurred to me that I might get wet. Fuck that shit, and fuck the rain. Let all the other assholes in Louisville get wet. If I want to get wet I'll take a shower and drip drip dry in the privacy of my own bathroom. Captain Corky Jr won't want to get wet until he's at least 15, so I just let him sleep in his bassinet this morning. Please Note: The bassinet was a very, very smart purchase.

If you want to read a funny post about umbrellas you should check out Jenny's blog!!!

Fin.

UPDATE: 8/22/2007
It's hot and humid and nasty today. Captain Corky Jr and I are thinking about going out to hunt for rattlesnake. I swear rattlesnake tastes just like chicken, only without that chickeny after taste. Yum!

Fin.
Again.

Membership

I selected this picture of the original Green Lantern (painted by Alex Ross) for my dear friend Gina. This Green Lantern first appeared in 1940 in issue 16 of All-American Comics. This is actually Captain Corky's favorite version of Green Lantern and his ring works perfectly fine on the color yellow. It's just worthless against anything made from wood. People always tell me that I'm the spitting image of this guy.

Green Lantern is a founding member of the Justice Society of America (Winter 1940). The JSA is the first Superhero team in comics. Without the Justice Society I'm probably talking about porn in this post. One of the neat things about reading All Star Comics is that you could become a member of the Justice Society of America Fan Club and receive all sorts of neat things. And if the Justice Society and Little Orphan Annie and all those other characters from yesteryear have fan clubs than why on Earth doesn't Captain Corky have a fan club for his readers yet?

Everybody who reads the log is considered to be a Basic Member of the Captain Corky Fan Club, as long as you want to be of course . As a Basic Member you're entitled to link Corky's log to your website, leave comments on Corky's posts and even dedicate entire posts to Captain Corky like Canadian Flake did on Saturday (Very cool post!). Also, you can email the mighty Captain at corkyhimself@aol.com and more than likely you'll get a direct response from Captain Corky himself.

Next we offer a Premium Membership to the Captain Corky Fan Club for the minuscule amount of $30.99 a month. Premium members are entitled to all of the benefits that basic members get and so much more. Since you've made the upgrade in membership, Corky will call you on the telephone once a month and we can talk about whatever you want, even sex. ;)

You will also receive an autographed framed picture of Captain Corky that you can put on your desk at work or on your beautiful coffee table at home. And as a bonus if you sign up for a Premium Membership during our back to school special, Captain Corky will even write a guest post for your blog. Special offer applies only on Tuesday's, Thursday's and some Saturday's and expires on September 6th 2007.

And if that's not enough Corky for you, we offer a Lifetime Membership to the Captain Corky Fan Club for the modest fee of 1000 dollars. With this package you get everything a Basic and Premium Member gets plus, Corky will go to your high school reunion with you (Please note: All expenses will be covered by you). That's right ladies, Corky will pose as your husband/boyfriend, and you can leave the poor slob at home on the couch with his beer and pizza. And if you're a dude Corky will go with you to a football game and you can feel cool for the first time in your life (Please note: Nothing higher than the 100 section please, Corky gets nose bleeds if he's too high up).

So what are you waiting for? Join Now!

The Adventures of Captain Corky and Kid Corky...

I've been up all morning trying to decide what kind of Superheroes Kid Corky and I should become when he gets a little older. Don't kid yourselves, this is important work folks! It's not easy scouring the Internet at close to light speed in between feedings and diaper changes.

Powers:
One thing I know for sure is that we're going to have a power that propels us forward faster than walking or jogging does, and fuck relying on a car! I rely on a Mercury Sable to get me to work sometimes and I think the piece of shit needs a new alternator. Remind me to take care of that later... Much later. I'm busy right now.

Uniform:
I also have to consider what kind of uniform we should have. (I'm uncomfortable with the term "costume") I do like the color red on me and it looks good on Kid Corky too. Plus, by the time Kid Corky is ready to bust some heads with me I should be in much better shape to fill out my uniform. Just for today though, I'm going to put Splenda in my tea instead of sugar. Oh yeah... gold and black looks really good on me too. I'll just have to see how those colors look on Kid Corky later. A blue shirt with black pants my work better for him considering the fact that he has brown hair and brown eyes.

Motivation:
Obviously my motivation for becoming a Superhero is because I have an overwhelmingly strong sense of responsibility for the human race(Exactly the same reason why I blog). Other Superheroes with this motivation include Superman, Cyclops and Captain America (Regardless of what you're thinking, I've never, ever played a roll playing game before...). Kid Corky is young so his motivation will be more of a sense of adventure. Robin, and Kid Flash have this motivation, for example.

Base of Operations:
I highly doubt that our base of operations is going to be on the outskirts of Louisville Kentucky. I don't have anything against this town or state, but what kind of Superhero operates in a city that doesn't have a pro football team? We'd be the laughing stock of any superhero team we tried to join. Nobody laughs at Captain Corky or Kid Corky.

NOBODY!!!
To be continued another day...

Whatchu Talkin Bout, Corky?

No but seriously... I worry about my kid. A lot. Obviously I worry about all the real world bullshit that might affect him one day, but that goes without saying. I also worry about all the things a new parent worries about: Is he too hot? Is he too cold? What are those fucking noises he's making? He's not sick is he? Did he eat enough? Is he eating too much? etc. I haven't asked this many questions since Spock died at the end of Star Trek II, the Wrath of Kahn for Pete's sake!

All those worries are enough to give someone an ulcer already, but what I really worry about... I'm talking about the kind of shit that wakes me up in the middle of the day in a cold sweat type of shit (I work at night) is, What happens if Max becomes another fucking Arnold Drummond?
What I haven't told you is that a picture of Max is going to replace the bear on the Similac can in their 2007 "Knock your wife up" Christmas campaign. Also, he's slated to play Angelina Jolie's 23rd adopted kid from a third world county. In the movie Angelina's character goes all the way into Louisville Kentucky to retrieve this kid. It's a very touching movie.

Max is going to be making some serious cash folks! So I worry... Will he grow up to become a former childhood star asshole like Mccully Culkin or even worse... Corey Feldman? Will he sue me and try to get the courts to emancipate him at 16 because I spent all of his money on action figures? That would suck if Max turned out to be that annoying. I think I would have to disown him. I can't even imagine him becoming as annoying as Corey Feldman is.

However, he could also turn out like Ron or Clint Howard did. That would make me very proud. Those boys were raised right. That reminds me, I'm going to have to call Ron in a couple of weeks and get some parenting tips.

But, then again maybe a career in Hollywood just isn't meant to be. I wont be disappointed if Max winds up doing something else with his life. I'll love him no matter what he does.

In the meantime here's another movie produced by Corky Vision. Please Note: Corky Jr is a little older in this piece and Allyson's voice makes her debut on to the silver screen.

Hamlet

I consider myself to be a gentlemen and a very well cultured individual, but It wasn't always this way... Before I watched episode 72 of Gilligan's Island, The Producer, I was on my best day, a street urchin. I had no class, no style and my socks never matched my shirts or shorts. Also, my shorts were obscenely skimpy and rode up my ass all the time. It wouldn't surprise me if my balls hung out of the side of my shorts when I was sitting down back then. But that was the 70's and that's what street urchins like myself were wearing. I probably looked a lot like this schmuck most of the time.

Episode 72 Of Gilligan's Island was basically a reproduction of Hamlet, first staring the Castaways and then starring a producer (played by Phil Silvers) who was looking for new talent, named Harold Hecuba. This is where I was first exposed to Shakespeare and his genius and that's when I realized there was more to life than uncomfortable tight fitting shorts, filth, and ignorance.

By the way, this is exactly why I love Gilligan's Island, and all of television for that matter. Two performances of Hamlet in one half hour episode, while eating dinner. Harold Hecuba played all the parts in Hamlet himself. Hamlet was a musical production on the Island and was actually set to the music of Carmen. Please note: The freak who wrote the review of The Producers on IMDB is a bigger freak than I am. At least in my opinion.Finally after 36 years later I've realized my dream and I'm happy to say that I produced my first film. I'm pretty proud of this piece, and am grateful to the Birdman for directing it. I also have to thank the hospital for letting me film on location. It only cost my small production company (Corky-Vision or CV) about 35 grand for the two weeks that we were there, but trust me, every dime was well worth it. Incidently, when I do wear shorts these days they fit and my balls stay in my pants.

Ladies and Gentlemen... Corky Jr

Letters from Corky

Letter Number 1:

Dear Max,

Today you are 5 weeks old. I've learned so much about life and parenting since you were born.

Love,
Daddy

Letter Number 2:

Dear Reader,

Today my blog is I don't know how many days old. I've learned so much about human nature, friendship and correspondence. I still struggle with grammar from time to time.

Yours Truly,
Corky

Letter Number3:

Dear Future Reader,

Although it took you way too long to get here, I can't tell you how happy I am that you're finally here. Hopefully you'll be around for a long time. Please email all of your friends, family and associates a link to the log. That way they can become friends with all of the wonderful people that I've become friends with too.

Your Pal,
Captain Corky

Letter Number 4:

Dear Gut,

I'm tired of looking at you and I can't stand how you're always in the way lately. You've become such a burden. Please leave!

Thank You Kindly,
The Rest of Corky

PS Before you leave make sure to check out this exercise video I found on You Tube a while back. It's very inspirational.

Questionnaire

In order to better serve you in the future we here at Corky's log have prepared a little questionnaire. We look forward to any feedback or comments you may have. And as always, thank you for continuing to visit the log.
1. I visit Corky's log daily because:
A. Corky cracks my shit up!
B. I'm here to hunt fresh game.
C. I have no direction in life and Corky gives me purpose.
D. I'm here to look at the kid, fuck you Corky!

2. When Corky doesn't comment on a post that I've written:A. I panic and break out in to hives.
B. I Check TV Land to see if there's a Star Trek marathon on.
C. I Immediately click on another blog that Corky frequents to see if he's posted a comment over there.
D. I Send Corky a text message calling him a dick.

3. Since reading Corky my life has:
A. been turned upside down because I'm in love with him.
B. Become enriched and full and my heart is light where it was once heavy.
C. Not changed at all, I'm too self absorbed to even think about him.
D. meaning.

4. If God were going to talk to Corky he would do it:
A. By leaving a comment on his blog.
B. During an episode of Star Trek
C. While Corky was taking a bath.
D. right after Corky finsihed a bottle of Vodka.

5. If I could have sex with Corky it would be:
A. On the beach.
B. In the back seat of an old car.
C. In a shady motel at 2 o'clock in the afternoon.
D. On an airplane.
E. In a bathroom.
F. In a 5 star hotel.
G. On the bridge of the Enterprise

6. Corky is my hero and I worship him because:
A. I feel like everybody else on the planet has abandoned me.
B. God let me down a long time ago.
C. drugs and booze just don't do if for me anymore.
D. I'm really sick and tired of what's his name.

Nuts

Originally I was going to write today's post about how much it pisses me off that I can't order a brownie sundae in what seems like more than half of the restaurants on this planet, because some asshole decided that putting nuts in brownies was a good idea. Let's be clear about this... It's not! I can't tell you how many lazy afternoons I've spent fantasizing about eating a nutless brownie sundae, while sitting in the front row, at that asshole's execution. Incidentally, I have the same amount of hatred for the "person" who came up with the idea to add nuts to chocolate marshmallow ice cream, and by doing so felt compelled to rename chocolate marshmallow ice cream, Rocky Road. Asshole.

But I can't write about any of that today because on Saturday night my computer died. The damn computer was only about two or three years old! How ridiculous is that? Anyway we bought a new computer on Sunday, and I'm hoping that it will last longer than 5 minuets. If it doesn't I'm gonna have to go back to reading Swank magazines, and doing my writing on the inside of bathroom stalls again. That would stink.

Last but not least today is Max's 1 month anniversary outside the womb. I know you didn't forget to mark it on your calendar...

Please don't beat yourself up for not sending a gift yet. Max is a very understanding baby and is willing to give you a full week extension to get your act together. If you can't afford to send a gift you can honor Max's anniversary by boycotting any brownie sundae that has nuts in it or on top of it. Oh yeah, no cherries on Max's brownie sundae either, but if they put one on by accident I guess we can live with it.

This Cold Sucks

I have a nagging little bitch of a cold. I've had it for three days now. I'm slightly ache. My nose has been slightly running during the day and stuffed at night and my stomach has been slightly upset. It's not like I have uncontrollable diarrhea, but I have had to go a few more times than I care to go in one day. As a result my asshole is slightly sore.

My main concern about this cold is that I don't want little Max to catch it. For Pete's Sake, he won't even be 4 weeks old until 10:37 AM today. I've considered staying out in my car until this freakin cold passes, but Allyson needs to sleep, and somebody has to take care of Max from 5:00 am until 12 or 1 in the afternoon. So the way I see it I have about 5 options:

1. DayQuil is a pretty good choice. I wouldn't use it if I had bad cold, but for a little shit cold like this it helps. It doesn't really do anything for my sore ass though.

2. I could smoke some pot... pot is great for aches, sinus pain, runny noses and facing life. But I don't have any right now. Plus, I don't need to hear that annoying voice in the back of my head that tells me it's fucked up to smoke pot. I blame the media and the educators for the paranoia that I experience when I've smoked weed, not pot.

3. Tylenol Cold and Flu is worthless! Tylenol is great for fevers and headaches, but they should really stay away from trying to help out with other symptoms.

Please Note: I've read that aspirin is good for heart attacks and every time that I have a panic attack I pop an aspirin or two. Calms me down. But I don't think I'll be taking any aspirin for a cold.

4: Since moving to Kentucky I don't really live in walking distance of any bars that I would frequent since I'm not a fucking biker. Biker bars ok if you're a biker, but I'm not a biker and the fact that I'm surrounded by biker bars in my neck of the woods is simply ridiculous! Anyway, this is the reason why I'm not drinking a couple of Irish Coffees right now. It's too much of a mess to make myself at home. But when I lived in DC and had the flu or a bad cold I would always hit the bar and have a couple of Irish Coffees and I always felt better. Always.

5. When I'm really sick, but not sick enough to need antibiotics I reach for Theraflu. It's the best of the best as far as I'm concerned. The only problem with it is that you have to heat it up and drink it like it's tea. Also, it's really nasty tasting. But it works. It really does.

Obviously I'm talking about cold medicines that I take when I need to be awake or want to be awake. I guess pot and booze would help if I wanted to go to sleep, but I'm on Dayquil right now so pot and booze are irrelevant. I also tend to drink tea and eat chicken soup when I'm sick, but tonight I had Pizza Hut. That can't have anything to with my upset stomach...

Have a great weekend everyone.

Mid Year Review

Well my friends... more than half of the year is over and so much has changed. I've quit dipping, we've refurnished every room in the house, I've lost and gained and gained and lost and gained 20 pounds or so, but best of all there's a new person living in our house, who is also cute, smells great (most of the time) and doesn't eat any of my eats. Yet. When he's old enough I'll make sure that he has enough eats for himself. That's just what we dads do.

It still feels a little surreal to think of myself as a Dad. But when I saw the Doctor pull that kid out of my wife's uterus (after I regained consciousness) I knew my life had dramatically changed forever. The love I feel for this kid is indescribable, and I thought I couldn't love anyone more than I love myself (or Allyson). But enough emotionalism already! I've got a few more things to get to.

I would like to take this opportunity to officially welcome all of our new friends to the log. I look forward to getting to know every single thing about each and everyone of you. I hope to be the first face you see in the morning and the last face you see at night. And please feel free to dream about me too.

Also, I hope all of you are enjoying the new header. My sister and I developed it while she was visiting over the weekend and very soon it will be available as a bumper sticker. The best part is that it will be free. All you have to do is ask me for one. I'm a pretty generous guy.

For the rest of the 2007 we'll be concentrating on raising Max, football, and getting to know Corky better. There's many facets to my personality that we still haven't discovered yet. In time we will my friends. We will.