First off I would like to thank my mother for sponsoring our vacation to Provincetown, Cape Cod. Without you none of this would have been possible.
I always knew I had a bit of Oscar Madison in me. I like to drink beer, I'm a bit of a slob, I like football and I too am a great beat writer. Who knew if you put a digital camera in my hand that I would turn out to be a pretty damn good Felix Unger as well!
Allyson and I took a lot of pictures when we were on vacation. I'm going to be featuring a boat load of them on the newest companion to the log, Shore Leave. My mother, Cindie, Nikki and the Funnel took a lot of great pics as well.
And of course I have a few tall tales to spin to you as well. It's great to be back, not in Louisville, I mean here on the bridge.
Is any body up for a trip to the Landmark?(we better hurry, last call is at 10:00 pm) Last night I dragged Kim Jong Ramone and Allyson to the Landmark, possibly the lamest bar in America. You'll never guess who we ran in to. If you used this picture to jar your memory, then you must have guessed it correctly. Rat! It was him, the kid who owned the fucking Mall. Remember him? I trapped Lou in to having a two hour catch up session with Rat. I'm sure Matt remembers his sister. If anyone can remember his first name Lou and I would greatly appreciate a quick refresher. Aquaman? Created in 1941, atler Ego Arthur Curry. Rat? I have no fucking idea what his first name is, no idea what year he graduated from Livingston high school. All I know is that the kid lived at the fucking Mall.
Before we went to the Mall, I mean the Landmark, we had dinner and met the former Alterna-teen. Very nice girl. I think she will fit in nicely. Doug and the former miss Alterna-teen got in to a nice heated conversation about the New York Yankees. We were comparing Roger Maris to Alex Rodriguez. What a bunch of bitches you Yankee fans are! Does every generation of Yankee fan have to have a Roger Maris? The guy is a good baseball player, most other teams in America would kill for this guy. But all Yankee fan does is piss and moan about the guy. Spoiled fucking children, that's what you are Yankee fan!
We ate at a great restaurant in Newark. Celine is now officially in charge of picking out restaurants. The steak was ok at this joint but the sea food was amazing. So unless your name is Matt you would have loved this place.
Allyson and I really enjoyed our first night of vacation. I'm still slightly cork-ified as we are about to leave for the trip. As my wife and my sister sleep, my father and mother are packing and I'm detoxing while I type.
Anybody up for a six hour ride with the real kid slim Corky? Did I mention that me and my sister(Cindie) are going fishing?
Who does this kid think he is holding that fish on this here blog? Who invited you? Just kidding kid, anyone who is as enthusiastic about fishing as you are is welcome anytime.
The summer Fluke is the game I will be hunting next week. The state record in Mass is 21 pounds. I plan on cashing in some of my 15 minutes of fame, probably about 3 by catching a 25 pounder. I'm not sure if I'm going to catch the monster in the surf or on a fishing boat after downing about 3 beers which should give me the perfect buzz. I'll let you know sometime next week.
In other news Kim Jong Ramone has updated his blog. It's always a good time when KJR posts.
I'm sure I will have access to the internet while I'm up in Cape Cod but just encase please keep an eye on the log for me Will. I'm sure the Birdman will do the same.
"Have Bones and Lt. Allyson meet me in the transporter room, you have the bridge Mr. Six".
Here is a picture of what me and my sister will be doing every day next week while your all at work. Next week I will be in Cape Cod. Were going on a family vacation. I can't remember the last time I went on a Swiss family Corky vacation. Even Jack will be there. My wife has made it clear that she is only up for one fishing trip. I have tried to explain to her that going out on a boat in the ocean to fish is as close as one gets to touching the hand of god on this planet, but she just won't buy into my usual brand of bullshit.
My mother has only two rules for the entire week, we have to go to her favorite show and she drives on the way up. Can you believe that, a woman driving while I'm in the car!?! Don't worry mom, your not going to have to drag me to the show. I'll go willingly. I'm sure I'll be willing to eat lobster and go to the beach a couple of times too.
The Funnel and the Younger will be making a special guest appearance during the week as well. I have not been this excited since Morey Amsterdam and Rose Marie guest stared on the Love Boat. This is going to be a fun vacation.
There is only one dilemma, I'm not sure if they will let me take my surf rod on as my one piece of carry on luggage for the flight up to NJ. My mother suggested that I ship it but I dropped the ball on that already, besides I don't trust anyone with my beloved surf rod that I bought in Cape cod that doubles as my cat fish pole here in KY. Oh I'm sure I'll figure it out, don't worry.
Still, were going to miss you Swiss family Willsix. Being in Province Town with out all of you is kind of like me, opening up your garage at 6:am, eating all of your Chef Boyardee and playing all of your sons video games while he sleeps. Meanwhile the two of you are at work and your daughter is at summer camp. All though it's lots of fun there still seems to be something wrong with this picture.
Now if only I can trick Jack into getting sauced a couple of times, then everything will be perfect.
Do you remeber when WPIX and WNYW were the only games in town? I have made a list of the 5 best New York based sitcoms of all time. I hope you enjoyed these shows as much as I do, and please don't give me that crap that you had other interests. That gets so tired.
It's easy to say that Seinfeld is the funniest show of all time. It's the most contemporary show on my survey. I don't know if a network televison show ever made me laugh harder. I'm glad Newman made it to this picture. I love me some Newman.
All In The Family is clearly one of the most influential shows in the history of television. The show was brilliant for many years and the chemistry between the four main characters is almost unparalleled in any endeavor before or since. It was also one of the most innovative sitcoms. Before All In The Family you had Green Acres and Mayberry FDR starring Ken Berry.
The Honeymooners is the first show about the working class slob and his best friend and their wives. The network executives said that this show would never work. What do those idiots know? It scares me how much I behave like Ralph Kramden at times.
The Odd Couple is probably the weakest show on the survey. However in my opinion it deserves to be up there with the best of them. This is one of the few shows that I think was better then the film version unlike Mash for example. It was also a play. An honorable mention goes to Howard Cosell for his guest appearances playing himself. This show also had a very metropolitan feel to it.
I Love Lucy, if you love the sitcom like you say you do, then you have to love this show. It is the quintessential sitcom. The formula and most of the humor that you find in sitcoms today comes from this show. The most notable aspect of this show is that a woman had top billing and it was about an interracial couple, in 1951.
I would like to thank the Grumbler for the webpoll bit. Most of these shows can still be viewed on WPIX channel 11 in the tri-state area. I Love Lucy and All in the family played on channel 5 before cable. WPIX was also the home to Star Trek and the New York Yankees for a long time.
Pix, pix, pix...If you know what this means then you are ok in my book, if not ax Lou.
It seems that one of our friends has been shot with one of Cupid's arrows. I have to shamefully admit I was conspiring with a yenta just recently and I had to place a call before we could proceed. I think me and my yenta are too late, but I had to make sure.
Do you remember when you realized that you were hooked? Do you remember the conversations? You remember the warning signs, don't you? The conversations about family and friends. The little suprizes, the sex etc. I remember all of that from my point of view because I was there with me.
Every so often I like to hear the story from Allyson's point of view just to spice things up and ad a little flair, you know.
Usually when I ask her she just laughs at me. Maybe it's my presentation. I'll work on that.
Here's the thing, every once in a while when I least expect it Allyson will give me one piece of her vision of our story. It blows me away every time. It's kind of like the movie Big Fish, when Ewing McGregor is working at the circus for free to find out information about the woman his character marries. He has to do everything from cleaning up elephant shit to being shot out of cannon for one piece of information once a month. One of the best pieces Allyson dropped on me, she told me she had a dream. She told me about her dream almost a year after she had it. The woman is just full of suprises.
One day I'm going to pump all of you for your stories. I like stories. "I like the Wizard of Ozz, I like the Tin Man". (Sorry about that, I just can't help myself). Maybe it will be over a camp fire and we will all be drunk. Maybe you will post about it on this here blog. I don't know how or when but you will tell me, all of you. Besides I need the information for my upcoming epic: The Born Again Human.
In any case I wish my friend nothing but the best. Out of all of us he might deserve it the most. Just remember Aquaman I'm wearing a tux at your wedding, fuck Chet and all those other minnows. Just kidding Chet. Maybe I'm jumping the gun here, after all they have only been on three dates.
You know all those rumors and suspicions you have about gas station attendants? All true! So when your kids grow up don't let them get a part time job at the local fillin station, unless it's Christian owned and operated of course. Never trust a Jew.
When Jerry acquired his second gas station he made me assistant manager of the night shift. It was a lucky break. The extra quarter an hour came in handy. No longer did I have to give Kim Jong Ramone a ride home from school for 5 bucks a week.
Jerry's first Texaco was actualy on Mt. Pleasant Ave. That place had a fully functional garage. The place on Northfield had 3 empty bays with no visible windows. I'll get back to that in a second. When Jerry purchased the Northfield joint he got it for a song and dance. There was only one stipulation, the place came with a guy named Buddy.
Buddy is the all time single greatest petrolium dispatcher of all time. He won the coveted Pumper of the decade award twice, the only man to ever do so besides Vinnie over at the Amoco. Buddy could pump some gas, no joke. Buddy had a couple of tag lines. The first question he asked us every day, "If Jews are so smart how come they all drive BMW's and Mercedes"? The second question he asked us every day, "Where's the Jewish broad with the big tits"? refering to Abby. Buddy always asked this question with a visual enhancement. Me and Platt tried to explain the first question to Buddy many times but it just never sank in. So finally we took a page out of the masters playbook(bugs) and beat him to the punch .
"Hey Buddy how come ALL Jews drive BMW's and Mercedes"? Buddy, "Hey that's my line". True. Good old Buddy!
Texaco a house of ill repute? I don't know about all that but there was always something going on inside. A party every night with the most shady and seedy of Livingstons citizens, and of course Me, Lou, Doug, Matt, Bill, Dave, Gabriel and Platt were there too. I could go on but children read this blog and so does my mother.
"Oh hello officer, gee I must have dozed off in there. Pretty boring night. Need a pack of cigarettes or anything? Ok officer see you later". Cop, "good night Eddie".
This is charcoal rendition of the mighty Ogg Hall, where yours truly spent his freshman year of college at the mighty cold University of Wisconsin-Madison. The picture almost makes Ogg Hall look like a nice place to spend your first year of college. It is not. It is, in fact, a complete shithole.
There is an old tradition at the UW. This tradition entails getting very liquored up and standing in the blacktop quad next to Ogg Hall and screaming "Ogg Sucks!" at the top of one's lungs (it is also acceptable to scream "Ogg Sucks!" from your window if it faces the mighty Ogg Hall). When I first arrived at Ogg, I was sort of put off by this tradition. I mean, sure, the rooms were all doubles and seemed to be about 10' x 10'. And sure, someone was always breaking something, or throwing up on something, or passing out on something. And sure, there was no cable available in the dorm rooms, so you had to use the common rooms, which had only 1 TV and there was only 1 common room per every 2 floors. And sure, the foosball table was always broken...&c., &c., &c. But hey, at least it was co-ed.
Anyway, you get the picture. Pretty soon I was standing in the quad yelling "Ogg Sucks!", and standing right beside me was my roommate, Mikey P. Mike was just a good kid from a small, suburban town not entirely unlike my own - except that it was in Wisconsin. Our first night in Ogg we stayed up all night talking, and we became fast friends. Mike was skinny as a rail, drank Mountain Dew by the caseload, and had a tendency to avoid showering for way too many days in a row. But he was my boy, and we had a really, really good time in that fucking shithole dorm. They are knocking down Ogg Hall. It will soon be gone forever, enshrined only in the memories of shmoes like me and Mike, who had the distinct pleasure of being trapped in those tiny, crappy, institutional grey rooms our Freshman years.
Mike remained my roommate for all 5 years I spent at school. We had other roomies, but the last two years it was just me and Mike, hanging out and doing our thing. Despite the fact that I was a major fuck up for my first 3 years of school, I still managed to graduate before him (the fact that he double-majored in Zoology and Paleontology had a lot to do with that little feat), and the day I packed up my 12 year old Celica and drove out of Madison was about the saddest I'd ever seen Mike. Me? I was ecstatic. I was done with school, ready to move on with my life. From my perspective, Mike and I had already spent entirely too much time together and we both needed to get out into the world.
I should preface this last part by noting that I am a terrible keeper-in-toucher. I don't initiate calls or e-mails or letters and overall I am basically a bastard. I don't know why, I just let things slide. Then, I feel shitty and try to track people down, but by then it's almost always assuredly too late. So, sure enough, after spending a couple of years calling me up on the phone to see how I was doing, Mike gave up trying to keep in touch with me. I think it was when he didn't respond to my wedding invitation or call me after 9/11 happened that I finally got the picture. I felt bad about it. I still do. So, in honor of my long lost friend Mikey P. (and as a direct corollary to Captain Corky's prior post about the past lepers of our lives), I'm dedicating my first-ever blog post to him. He was a good friend and a strongly positive influence on my life back when I was a very lost soul. I owe him a lot, and he deserved better from me.
So, Mike, wherever you are, this one's for you, you magnificent bastard:
Last night at work I felt unusually good. I had that feeling that I usually get when I'm really excited. Like when I'm about to take a trip, or go on vacation or something. Now I do admit that I received a couple of nice checks yesterday, but not enough money to make me feel like it was Christmas morning. What was it I wondered. Then I pieced it together, I had spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. I love me some me after a big plate of meatballs and spaghetti.
I have been on one of those annoying diets again. You know the kind, brown rice instead of white, water instead of coke, and lots and lots of coffee. It is nice to be able to breathe again, and I have to admit I did lose some psi in the tire around my waist, but a couple of hours after eating that wonderful plate of spaghetti and meatballs I felt super charged. I am going to stay on my diet, but I don't see anything wrong with giving myself a nice little treat once every two weeks or so.
While I was buzzing around work being the busy bee that they try to turn me into, I so desperately wanted to have a Corky moment. I wanted to pretend I was a bee hovering around a flower gathering nectar. Busy busy busy! I'm sure ya'all would have appreciated it.
Now that I have audio blogger and I'm becoming more Internet savvy, I'm on my way to making one of my dreams into a reality. One day I'm going to create a short documentary about the company I work for. It's going to be called Money. Its going to be one of those old style cartoons. You know the ones where the characters sing opera as they dance while the short epic moves along. The characters are going to be solid black and chain linked. The only word spoken in the piece will be money. Its a work in progress, but I have allready recieved an Oscar for best animated short, at least in my mind. You should have been there, It was glorious.
Freddy: Hello Corky, It's me fred. What did I miss?
Corky: Nothing really Freddy, we just practiced slide side kick.
Freddy: Is Mike mad at me? Tell him I'm sorry. My pain in the ass sister had to go to a swim meet.
Corky: I doubt he noticed Freddy, he was too busy relating the fall of Rome to a side kick.
This is an example of an abbreviated conversation between me and Freddy Flesh circa 1989.
So what did I miss? Sorry I couldn't make it to any of your barbeques but my pain in the ass customer is having a party on Saturday. I had to make sure to get his house ready for him so he could show it off to his pain in the ass relatives and friends. Also, the pain in the ass company that I work for denied my discretionary days because my pain in the ass boss is off this week. I hope you guys aren't mad at me.
I want the goods on Kim Jong Ramone's situation. Also how is Brett and the rest of the gang? Fill me in! And now a little poem I found:
As he watched the smoke dissipate into the night sky
The poor boy started to cry
He knew that tomorrow was the hardest day of the year
He could feel the pain sharpen with each and every tear
The dread of having to clean up the backyard made his heart burn
When oh when will this stupid boy ever learn?
The sight of the war-torn hot dog laying in the dirt, the inedible.
The hardest part was yet to come
His heart pounding harder like the ever clique drum
When he got close enough he closed his eyes
In his usual manner he told himself lies
Next year if they don't finish all the beer
It will be the sound of my baseball bat that will be ringing in their ear
Where is the best place you ever watched a fireworks display?
Fireworks are legal in Indiana which is only a hop, skip and a jump from where I live. So for the next week I will have to listen to people light off block busters in my parking lot.
My wife is a big fan of the Thunder Over Louisville display, Its the biggest one in this part of the country. It kicks off the Kentucky Derby Festival every year. It does nothing for me. I associate fireworks with patriotism not Barn Swallow reindeer games.
My friend's Doug and Celine, who have been married almost a year already, host an annul 4th of July barbeque that climaxes with an amazing view up on a roof of three simultaneous firework displays over New York City. This display will have you whistling the Star Spangled Banner every time, even if your a pinko- commie-atheist meathead.
That leades us the Captiol of all firework displays. Washington DC of course. Hands down it's is the best. First of all you can spend all day down at the mall protesting anything and everything you want. There are tons of bands to listen too as well. When I lived in DC even I personally participated in one or two of these protests. There is nothing, nothing more mesmerizing then watching the pretty lights and loud bangs over the Washington Monument. It's also alot of fun to stagger back to the Metro for the ride home.
Public Service Announcement: Please be responsible when setting off Jumping Jacks at a summer camp. First of all it's lame to set off Jumping Jacks during the day because you can't see the pretty colors. More importantly, never set off Jumping Jacks into a field of dead grass or you could be putting out a fire with the top half of your Tae Kwon Do uniform. And Finally as a result of lighting off fireworks at a summer camp, Its most likely gonna be you who gets loaded into the cannon and fired next.
Here's a picture of our favorite Captain holding LT. Uhura right before TV's legendary first interracial kiss on the Star Trek episode, Plato's Stepchildren.
Before I proceed with this character profile I must apologize to all the women who read this blog. I'm sorry ladies, I'm taken. Sadly there is only one of me to go around. Well, I'm sure your happy with what's his name anyway.
As if you didn't know, I'm very fond of talking about all the great times we had as kids. My wife is so familiar with my big fish stories that she could probably tell most of them. I don't know as much about my wife's childhood. I know some of her friends, and that she danced for many years and spent a lot of time in Texas, where her dad is from. However, my wife did not grow up in the utopia, that's about to shut down in a couple of days, like I did. There were drive by shootings in the neighborhood where she lived when she was a little girl. So playing outside for endless hours probably wouldn't have been such a good idea for her. So, sometimes I feel a little guilty talking about my childhood with her. Everytime I tell her that she laughs at me and says, "No you don't".
Eventually Allyson moved out of that neighborhood and grew up. She went to about 10 different colleges until she settled down at the University of Louisville. That's where she met her best friend Erica who is also an English major/nerd. The both of them are also super scary liberal communists as well, but that too is a post for another day. To save money she moved in with this girl we affectionately call the beast. The beast is one scary chick. I'll tell you more about the beast next time but lets just say the beast is one scary chick. During that same time period she worked at the beloved company that I work for. That's where we met. I think I was one of the first people that trained her. I always got her and her friend Mary confused. So every time I talked to one of them I would say, "Hello Mary" and she would say, "No I'm Allyson with a Y" and I would say, "that's funny my sister Cindie spells her name with an ie instead of a Y." Not really but I probably thought it.
Anyway a couple of months went by at work and finally I started supervising Allyson. She was a great worker, but she called out, way to much. You would too if you were working two jobs and going to school. So finally one day I went up to her and said, "Allyson could you please stop calling out?" and she did. Here is where it all began.
One time Allyson got pasted with about 700 of those things we service at the place where I work. One of the few times I didn't react with good sense, I told her she could handle it. Her work area got destroyed and she was almost buried alive. She did not speak to me the next day. I really didn't think much of it. Three weeks went by and she was still not speaking to me. That's when I asked her if she was ever going to speak to me again. She did not answer me. As I walked away from her this thought entered my mind, "This bitch is pulling the bicycle bit on me!" That when I went up to her and apologized, almost on my hands and knees. From that moment on I took a proactive stance to any concerns that she had at work.
As time went by we started spending time together after work, eating breakfast and talking and laughing. This was right about the time I was ending a relationship with that other girl. You know I love everything about Christmas, but that year was a rough one. Luckily I spent that Christmas eve with Allyson and she bought me presents and everything. I think I made her watch Its a wonderful life, and now its one of her favorite movies too.
We spent the next year getting to know each other but first we felt it best to move in together. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you it was always blissful, but when it came down to it, and it did, we really loved each other. I think the most important thing I ever said to Allyson, more than every time I ever told her I loved her is that she is my best friend. We have learned so much from each other. I have learned an appreciation for writing and even reading at times. Allyson now blurts out Idioms that make no sense to anyone but me and you, such is love. I think we have a very healthy marriage and we communicate very well, too bad she doesn't cook and clean(kidding baby). I also think the both of us might be border line agoraphobics, but who wants to leave the house anyway.
In August, "next month Allyson", she starts teaching English 101 at U of L. You can see the difference in the way I write from my first post to now, and she has only helped me a couple of times. Really I have more than I ever expected for myself(outside of flying and being able to bench press a mountain that is). But I'm very lucky to have a woman care about me and love me the way that Allyson does.
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