Spelling TV

It has been a very busy and exciting week here at the log with the return of Superman and all that jazz not being played on the 4th of JULY. Unfortunately I have been a little derelict in my duty to the remote control.

A good friend of ours passed away last Friday. Some of you remember him best for giving us Brenda and Brandon Walsh. I think there might even be one or two of you out there that remember Starsky and Hutch.

When my sister and I were younger our entire calendar year revolved around Aaron Spelling's agenda. Saturday was the most important night of our basic fundamental development. The tube was promptly turned on at 6:00 PM for Star Trek(Rodenberry not Spelling). I would like to say that the Odd Couple came on at 7:00(Marshall, not Spelling either). From 7:30 to 8 a half hour of pure channel surfing hell, all 5 of them. Then at 8:00 PM the party really started to pick up. Emergency on NBC from 8 to 9(much to my surprise later in life I learned that Jack Webb produced this show). Finally at 9:00 it was the Spelling Double Power hour.

From 9:00 to 10 we got the most romantic television show in the history of the has been, The Love Boat. You see, before VH1 Where Are They Now and all those shows that belittle my heroes, you had to get your Barry Williams fix on the Love Boat. This show also served as a softening blow, like when Jamie Farr(Klinger) would guest star, you just knew the that Korean War was over. I also watched the show for the star power of Gopher and Issac, not that vacuum cleaner Julie McCoy.

Then from 10:00 to 11:00 we got to see this whole process start all over again with Mr. Rork and Tatoo. The cool thing about Fantasy Island is that, how or where Rork got his powers from remained a complete mystery from the first episode to the last. Most notable guest appearances on this show: Forest Tucker, Ken Berry, Maureen McCormick, and Bob Denver, who made at least three including becoming a Super Hero in one episode. Even more exciting on this show was Rork's battles with the Prince of Darkness. Cindie and I had many battles with babysitters(most of them were demons as well) during those years, but it's safe to say that we prevailed most of the time just like Mr. Rork.

I don't think anyone who watches televison can say that they didn't enjoy at least one of Aaron Spelling's Shows and at least for this week, smiles everyone, smiles.

Why are we here?

Have you ever wondered why so many people waste so much of their precious time on this blue marble asking this question. The answer to this age old question is quite obvious. Excluding eating, shitting and sleeping, were here to fight, fuck and fuss.

What you don't agree with me? How many times have you stood behind somebody in a grocery line, and said to your spouce, "what the fuck? How many coupons does this mother fucker have? I'm sorry honey, your going to have to start going to the grocery on your own, I can't take this shit." Maybe some ass hole is driving down the Merrit parkway with his high beams on, and you would like nothing more than to pull the son of a bitch out of the car, and work him over. How many times has your wife screamed at you, "can you see who's calling on the phone? Not right now honey, I'm watching Bonnaza". What about all the times your friends from New York have to go into Jersey. They might have said something like, "Why can't those motherfuckers come into the city for a change". How about everytime you have to wake up at 6:am to catch the fucking bus, just to go into New York so you can listen to your boss fuss at you, and then to go and learn how to fight with words, so you can kick the shit out of somebody's wallet. The laundry list of complaints is endless.

Used to be, as kids we spent 90 percent of our time beating the shit out of each other, sometimes with a ball, and sometimes with our fists. When we weren't beating the piss out of each other we were kicking the living shit out of invisible adversaries. What about paying people, so we could learn new creative ways for beating the bloody hell out of each other. "First we will bow, and then I will dislocate your jaw."

As we get older, were pretty much left with the fucking and the fussing, yes we still fight, and obviously the world in constantly engulfed in fighting, but for the most part we try to get past that part, at least I do. At first the Fucking seems endless. "I'm sorry honey, I don't have a 6th time in me." But as schedule's get busier there is less energy and time to fuck. "Honey, I made you dinner, straightend up the house and picked you these wild flowers on the side of the road, Wanna fuck?" Still, she or he might say, "Not tonight dear, my show is on." That's when you mumble to yourself, "Fine I'll go in the other room and fuck myself".

The final reward for all this fussing, fighting and fucking is to hopefully get a couple of hours to sit in your favorite chair and watch the most creative or talented people on the planet fight, fuck and fuss. I guess the real question should be, why don't more people embrase the most versatile word on the planet?

The Heretics, the Pharisees, the Atheists and ME

Once upon a time, not to long ago as a matter of fact, my three friends formed a band. This is a quote from one of the now de funked members of that band, "we used too be Kim Jong Il (pronounced ill), named in honor of the mighty north Korean dictator". The three members of this band are, the Apologist, http://www.blogger.com/profile/19086076, the Grumbler, http://www.blogger.com/profile/19086076, who bares an uncanny resemblance to previous Jets infamous head coach Ritchie Kotite, and Kim Jong Ramone, http://kimjongramone.blogspot.com/. I took it upon myself to be their self appointed Ruben Kincade, In other words their manager/publicist. I had a great idea for their first album. A tribute album to all the shitty, lousy godforsaken music that addresses the existence or the understanding of the almighty. That's why I named their first Album the way I did. I siphoned this great album art off of Kim Jong's web site.

This is where I'm going to need your help. I have a hand full of songs picked out, but I will need more. I will give you some brief commentary on the songs I have picked so far.

1. "What if god was one of us", by the less than luscious Joan Osbourne. This question has already been addressed by just about every religion on the planet, and not to mention Kevin Smith.

2. "Tell me all your thoughts on God" by Dishwalla. As if the name of this band doesn't say it all, what is this band trying to accomplish with lyrics like, "cause I'm on my way to see her". Obviously all this band wants is a good snarlin.

3. "All along the Watchtower" covered by the Dave Matthews Band. Decent band, god Awful cover.

4. "Honestly" by Stryper. This song is on the list for every time I made sensual and passionate love to a woman, when I was 16, thinking that this song was about a woman and not god.

That's all I have right now. I'm counting on you the reader to help me fill out the last 6 to 8 tracks on this albumin.

What does this piece of art say to you?

This wonderful awe inspiring piece of Barn Swallow art comes from Terry Redlin, http://www.onlineartmall.com/limited/terryredlin/?go, he is called the "master of memories". I like his stuff a lot. I'm not really interested in artists like Freda, for example. If I want to look at pictures of a tormented soul, I'll look in the mirror. I like warm fuzzy feelings when I look at pictures and paintings, that bring me to the verge of a good cry. There's nothing wrong with crying, just ask Rosy Greer.

When I look at Redlin's paintings I can smell the leaves burning in his picture's of Autumn. I can hear the sticks slapping the ice in his paintings of people playing hockey. You get the point, you understand. Sure.

So far I have about 5 of Redlin's pieces in my art collection. My two favorites are this one and one titled "spring fishing".

The only problem I have with the painting above is the light house. I could do with out the fucking light house. I'm not so crazy about the dog either, but I'll excuse the artist this time.From time to time on this blog I reference a place that I used to camp at when I was a younger kid. The name of the campground is Otter lake, http://www.otterlake.com/ . Otter lake is where I went to observe the high holy days, usually around the first or second week of June and sometimes the last week of May. The Fugawee calendar is much longer then the secular (what a dirty word) calendar. Most Jewish people fast during the high holy days. Me, I fish.

The painting above epitomizes Otter lake to me. That's what makes this particular piece so special to me. The boy is obviously me. The dog belongs to someone outside of our camping group. Because I can't remove the lighthouse from the picture it will represent the general store, keep in mind it's on the wrong side of the dock. That leaves the girl. The girl is obviously Debbi.


Debbi, like so many of my other friends grew up to become a lawyer. Instead of spending sun up to sun down fishing, she spends sun up to sun down working. She wound up marrying a nice guy named Chris from England, who like most of us LOVES comic books too. I am very happy for my friend Debbi. One day when the tide is right, we shall fish again, and incase we don't we will definitly have a drink together, and at the very least, laugh about the size of the bluegills we spent a good portion of our lives on this planet fishing for.

Today's Idiom

When was the last time you pulled a Foodtown? What exactly is pulling a Foodtown? Well, about half of my life ago, maybe a little longer, I used to work at a grocery store. I was hired as a stock person. My job responsibilities included stocking shelves, um stocking shelves and blocking the aisles (Target uses the more sophisticated term "zoning"). You know, pulling up all the cans and boxes and bottles to make the empty shelves look full.

This job drove me crazy. First of all it sucked. Secondly it sucked, and most of all it sucked. Another problem I had with this job was overstocking the shelves. Suppose the Grocery manager ordered to many cans of Spaghettios with meatballs. This would mean that I would have to put the extra cans in an available space that was designated for something else, like spaghettios with franks, for example. This drove my obsessive mind crazy. Let's not even talk about the pay.

Still, I worked at this job for like a year. It did have some perks. For one, I got to work with the likes of Eric Palmer, Dominic Ianone, and this is where I met the infamous Grimace. Grimace was a bagger. He used to sweep and clean up broken bottles and grunt at people. Also I got to listen to "Silent Morning" every day. I was also very fortunate to meet a coke fiend named Clanky. On Clanky's last day I watched him steal over 400 dollars worth of grocery's. Clanky's performance was brilliant I tell you. He would wait till no one was watching and exit the store with a carriage full of steaks and assorted beefs and chickens. He did this like three times. There was also a procedure for placing dented cans in a chute that actually went outside. He launched tons of cans out through the chute. That was a fun day.

The absolute best perk of this job was that I got to carry a price gun tucked in the back of my belt. I knew I looked cool like this. It's what separated me from the Grimaces. Rob Carvasio looked a lot cooler with his price gun then I did.

After sacrificing one too many Tae Kwon Do test's for this place I finally quit, without notice. There was something very cathartic about quitting a job in this manner, especially since this job sucked so much. Hence the term pulling a foodtown was born. The only drawback to pulling a foodtown was that you had to go back in one last time for your pay check and receive dirty looks from the lifers. As a result I usually don't go back into a place where I had pulled a foodtown for at least a year.

I wonder whatever happened to Clanky.

Never let it be said that I am not my father's son

Mom, tonight Allyson and I were eating at a restaurant. That is where I had my Jack moment of the day. I was putting some ketchup on my three cheese bacon burger and the bottle started making that noise that empty bottles make. The waiter happened to be standing there and asked me if I needed more ketchup and instead of handing him the bottle and saying thank you, I held on to the bottle for dear life and said, "No, there is still ketchup in here". Then I continued to squeeze the bottle of Hines, forcing the ketchup out. The waiter and Allyson stood there in disbelief. Then I handed the bottle to Allyson and said, "here, you feel this, tell me if you think there is still ketchup in there". She said, "your right, it feels like there is something in there". Then she handed it back to me. The waiter was still watching this exchange. Then I handed the bottle to the waiter and said, You tell me if there is any ketchup left in this bottle". He said, "yeah there might be a little, but let me get you a new one". I Finally agreed to let the waiter do his job. After the waiter walked away I looked at Allyson and said, "I just turned into my father didn't I"? And she said, "Yes". Then we both had a good laugh. Allyson declared it was the Jack moment of the year. Happy belated Father's day, Dad.

First officer's log

Suspend your disbelief for a second, on a couple of different levels. Suppose Tina, my mother, and Alan, Billy's father, had a love child together. Or even better, Suppose Annette (Billy's mother) had one crazy night of hot steamy ecstasy and passion with my father Jack. Have any of you ever considered what the product of that indiscretion would look like? Well, if you look over to the left at the curly haired kid drawing in the only book he intends to take home from school, the glasses, the moon boots, well, for any of you that know me and Billy or have seen the movie Napoleon Dynamite, I think you get the picture, even the obsession with numchucks and Bo staff.

A good place to start our story together would be at Otter Lake, a camping resort in the Pocono Mountains. Even back then I was playing the part of Captain Corky. Which means that there had to be another kid playing the part of Mr. Spock, because as you know every Captain Corky must have a green blooded alien from the planet Saturn. That alien from Saturn's name is Bill. I have been friends with him almost all my life. The part of Dr. McCoy in those days was played by a kid named Jeramy. Bill and Jeramy were at each others throats constantly. It was Corky's responsibility to keep the peace and more importantly keep the blood shed to a minimum. Our script pretty much read like a script right out of Star Trek. What a great fucking show.

When we were not camping or enslaved in school or at a summer camp, we were spending most of our time over at Bill's house. Camp at Bill's house started at 7: am. Doug and a kid named Ryan would show up and start playing on Bill's computer. Specificly the game Bruce Lee. The game had three screens and you could never die. The enemy in the game was like a green Buddha Martian thing. Bill stayed asleep in his bed until about 11:00 am while Doug and Ryan played on the computer. Then at about 11:00 Corky and Matt would come over and it was time to play. This is basicly how the script of our lives went for years. Again, I could go on and on for days and I will, but for now just enjoy these tasty highlights.

At a slow and agonizing pace we started to grow up, and as we got older we still hung out together. We started behaving illogically as indestructible, immortal, omnipotent teenagers often do. We worked at the show office, we went to Skin head's against racial prejudice parties. We even worked at Friendly's together. I think we worked there because we needed an extra scoop of humiliation. What better way to feel humiliated then serving rich kids, food and ice cream, from our high school, dressed in blue and white polyester. We also did lots of those other "things".

Eventually Bill went off to Wisconsin to deal with the burning of his Vulcan blood. He toyed around with the idea of becoming a Russian historian and after that he thought about becoming a teacher. I think one day he was sitting in his parent's house and broke out his Atari 1500 and started playing Bruce Lee. That's where he got the idea to go pursue a career in computers, and as they say the rest is history. He wound up getting married to a lovely woman named Jill and they just recently had a lovely daughter named Sylvie( a Vulcan name if I'm not mistaken, I hope i didn't misspell that, but if i did blame ITA, not Corky)

Along with a new family and a good job, Bill is attending law school but more important then gowing to law school, Bill is also going to be joining the staff here at Corky's log. One last thing, if it seems to some of you that I get lost in let's remember, like Billy Joel said, "I'm just keeping the faith".

"I tell ya, I get no respect"

Sometimes it is customary for a chef or the owner of a Korean restaurant to bring out full bodied fish on a plate, as to show a sign of respect to a patron. As if you didn't know by now, the other night me and a bunch of friends had dinner at a Korean restaurant. After a couple of drinks and lots of great food, all I wanted was a fish. I started to rant about it, but then I decided It would probably be best if I saved my rant for all of you here in Corky land instead.

Do you think the reason they didn't bring us one fish or two might be because I smell like cheese and I'm a round eyed American? Is that an ignorant question? The way I see it we spent like 500 dollars in that joint, and the least they could have done was bring me a fucking fish. My wife suggested that maybe the reason that Corky and company got no fish is because we were drunk and unruly by nights end. Especially the Fry Guy AKA Matt.

In light of my experience at the Korean restaurant, I have come to some conclusions and I have a couple of special requests. I pray that you show me some respect, and I have decided that when I die I want to be buried in a fish tank. I know this sounds a bit morbid, but let's be real here, we are all going to die one day. Also, I would like my tombstone to read, "So long, and thanks for all the fish." You know to bring some levity to others whom might otherwise be mourning. I want you to celebrate my life, goddamn it.

Finally when I arrive at my finall destination I want I AM to greet me at the gates of Heaven, and hopefully he will say to me, "Corky I thoroughly enjoyed reading your log every day. I'm glad someone down there got it. Now here's your fish."

This piece of cod is dedicated to the memory of Rodney Dangerfield, 1921 to 2004.

We now return you to our regularly scheduled program

For all of you who don't know me and Matt let me give you a little background information about us. We have really big appetites. That means we like to eat a lot. We have big, fat, unsightly, grotesque bellies to prove it, if you don't believe me ax Ian or Doug. But don't burden yourself worrying about our weight, we're going on diets next week and besides, the women we are with love us for our minds, not our bodies.

Aside from eating anything that isn't nailed down, Matt and I have big dreams, big aspirations and umm, big plans. It's just that sometimes our eyes are a little bigger then our guts. So when Matt called on the phone a couple of months ago and asked me if I could come up to Connecticut to help him paint his girlfriend's house, my reply went something like this, "Shit, we could paint your girlfriend's 2000 square foot house in like three days." You know me, ever the eternal optimist, but in case we have bitten off more than we can chew, you might want to consider bringing an old shirt and a pair of pants that you don't care about anymore when you come up to visit on Friday directly after work, Lou.

While me and Matt were painting the front of Lucia's house, with a paint brush in one hand and a calzone in the other, we were listening to the life changing soundtrack from the Broadway play Rent, and we were singing "I'll cover you" to each other, but actually I was pondering a question someone asked me. In not so many words he said, "Why do you spend your vacations painting for your freinds?" At first I thought to myself, "because I'm good friend." No, that's not it. Then I thought maybe it's because I'm so insecure and I'm afraid if I don't paint for them, they won't need me anymore. It couldn't possibly be that because if I had a serious problem, they would do everything in their power to help me, but i wouldn't have any experience in that department. Maybe it's because I'm vicariously living my life through them. The more I thought about it, the more my conclusions didn't make any sense, and then as the stomache acid came barreling up the side of my throat, burning my esophagus, the answer was painfully clear. Essentially, I'm nothing more than a dog pissing on your rug marking my territory.

Incidently, I would not recomend buying a brush like the one in this picture if your going to be taking on a painting project of your own. Buy a 2 and half inch angle slash brush. It's much easier to paint corners with.

Pollution from a Barn Swallow's point of view

Congratulations are in order for New York, Newark New Jersey and Bridgeport Connecticut. Let me be the first one to congratulate you on your achievment, a three way tie for number 9 on the Forbes most polluted cities in America list.

California has the distinction of having the top 5 most polluted cities in America. Have you ever gone into a home depot and bought a tube of caulk or a can of stain killer or even glue? A lot of these products have warning labels on them that say something to the affect of, Warning: this product is known to cause cancer by the state of California. I wonder if they put a similar warning on thier residental drivers licenses out there. Warning: Living in the state of California is known to cause cancer by the state of California. Fucking Hypocrites.

Anyway, that is why my wife and I chose to spend one of our vactaions in the north east. We wanted to see the smog and the pollution for ourselves. Watching shooting starts and seeing clear skies at night gets real old real fast. What better way to see all the congestion then to drive along the senic highways of New Jersey, New York and Connecticut. It seems in our haste to smell the waste we forgot to factor in the cost of emission, and as a result we didn't have any money for tolls.

Every time i reached a new toll booth i would get increasingly angrier. At first i tried throwing a can of Copenhagen down the change basket, but the can was too big. The next thing i tried was throwing ciggaretts at the person in the toll booth as i drove by. Finnaly when i got to the the Tapanzee bridge i confronted one of these toll collecters. This basicly is how our conversation went,

Captain Corky: What are you people doing? Your making me late to Lucia's daughter's birthday party!

Toll Booth Willie: I'm sorry sir, but we have to collect money to pay for these roads.

Captain Corky: Why are you making me spend my hard earned money on carbon monoxide and pot holes? I allready spent 60 bucks on that, this week. I need to be up in Connecticut eating Ice cream cake and driving around town with Reggie and Patsy and Matt. I don't have time for this.

Toll Booth Willie: I'm sorry sir, I only work here, i don't make the ruels.

Captain Corky: Fuck you

Perhaps the next time someone from the east coast expresses disdain for cigarette smoke, I will rip off one of those giant smoke stacks from a factory and point it in their face and ask, "Is this more to your liking?"

One more for the road

My fellow Corkians, as my wife and I get ready to embark on our journey accross America's amber waves of grain, to spend time with our family and friends, a certain amount of exhilaration fills our hearts. We look foward to the immediate future, knowing that all will be as it should be, at least that was what i thought...

Well, it is my unfourtunate duty to report to you that i have discovered a plot against me, my wife and all of America for that matter. It seems a small terrorist organazation operating out of Morris Planes and Brooklyn has planed to kidnap me and my wife from Livingston and are going to take us to Brooklyn, and then they are gowing to hold us at "Giant of Pitbowl" point, growl, bark range, so they can force us to do the unthinkable, watch World Cup Soccer!

I have no doubt that my secret service opperatives out of Manhantten and Connecticut will come to our rescue. After all, I know that they are true red blooded Americans and they like me know that fut-ball in America is pronounced football.

Korean Food: a board game brought to you by Milton Corky

Notes:Galbi, marinated rib beef
Uk, raw beef, mixed with a raw egg and pear strips Saki, warm rice wine

Game pieces:1. blood hound, the objective of the blood hound is to hoard as much protein as possible. The blood hound will drink nothing but water and stop at nothing to devour all forms of fish, pork and beef. This player will be represented by a gnarled bone and will receive bonus points if blood is dripping down his chin. 2. Wild card, the objective of this game piece is to either eat as much protein as possible or consume as much Saki as he can. Be aware that he will never reveal his true intentions. It is also his responsibility to order the entire meal. Extra bonus points will be awarded to this player if he simply refers to a waiter or waitress as, you, in a native Korean tongue. This player will be represented by a menu in Korean. 3. Fry guy, The objective of this player is to make sure he doesn't eat enough at the restaurant. Fry guy will only eat Galbi and rice and since they don't serve Snapple at the Korean restaurant, he will have to settle for a coke. Fry guy will be awarded 100 extra points if he stops off at a McDonald's on the way home. This player will be represented by a medium fry. 4. Tea kettle, The objective of this player is to drink as much Saki as he can until his cheeks are red and he is slurring his words. Extra bonus points will be awarded if he can convince the rest of the game pieces that they are still 17 years old and can coral them into a bar after they eat. Obviously this player will be represented by a tea kettle. 5. Connoisseur , The objective of this player is talk as much trash as possible before the game. This player consumes and equal balance of all foods. Extra bonus points well be awarded if this player discovers a new Korean Beer. This game piece will be represented by a bottle of OB 6. Sly Fox, the objective of this player is to eat as much, raw beef, as she can, but do it an unassuming way while making the other game pieces assume that she is there for all the foods. Bonus points will be awarded for excessive shots of Saki and convincing other players to try new foods. This game piece will be represented by an egg. 7. Deaf Ear, the objective of this player is to slowly but surely start enjoying all the foods. Originally, this game piece would only eat Galbi, but after some persuasion from the sly fox, she now craves the shreaded raw beef as well. She is awarded bonus points for ignoring the tea kettle when it whistles. This game piece will be represented by an ear. 8. Center piece, the objective of this player is to keep the blood hound under control. She also has the responsibility of humoring the tea kettle when he starts to blow, sometimes about the state of Israel for example. Bonus points will be awarded to this player every time she makes the blood hound give her paw. This player will be represented by a leash. 9. Suit case, the objective of this player is to order 7 side dishes and bring them all home in her luggage. This player will receive an extra 50 points if she orders a dish and never touches it. This game piece will be represented by a Styrofoam box. 10. Football helmet, the objective of this game piece is to eat what ever is front of him. (He must stay in shape for football season) The player will receive an extra 25 points for trying to change the tea kettle's agenda after the meal. This game piece will be represented by a football. 11. Funnel, the objective of this game piece is to quietly consume as much alcohol as the tea kettle. This player will receive an extra 75 points for keeping the Tea Kettle's shot glass full. Be advised not to ride in the same car with this funnel on the way home. This player will be represented by what else? a funnel. 12. Shinning star. the objective of this game piece is to give the tea kettle a recurring realization that she is not an 8 year old girl anymore. She gets bonus points for saying fuck and taking shots of Saki as well. Her game piece will be represented by a doll. 13. Violet, the objective of this game piece is to stay as quiet as possible, perhaps because she is shy, but by now she is starting to realize that she will be surounded by a bunch of animals. She gets bonus points for making fun of the Fry guy and extra 10 points for everytime she is on her cell phone. Her game piece will be a flower.

Special guest game pieces include Empty wallet, the objective of this game piece is to order the most expensive food on the menu, and at the end of the meal come up with excuses as to why he cant pay. King, it is every other game pieces obligation to sit next to the king. bonus point will be awarded to all players for accomplishing such feet's as ordering a 6th kettle of Saki or consuming 40 pieces of sushi, for the kings delight. Family Man, the objecitve of this game piece is to humor the Tea kettle when he is spilling drinks on his shirt, and talking with his mouth full. This game piece gets bounus points for talking about his wife and his baby daughter. Man about town, the objective of this game piece is to come accoss charming and laugh at everyones jokes with his infectious laugh. Bonus points will be awarded if this man gets drunk and reveals a secret.


Here's how you play: Step 1. Strategically sit next to someone that is not going to inhibit you from accomplishing your goals. This is the most difficult part of the game for the bloodhound and the wild card.
Step 2. Eat and drink as much as you can.
Step 3. Take out a second line of credit to pay for your meal.
Step 4. Have fun

Mistaken Identity

If nothing else, you have to give Sugar Ray credit for the title of this album, 14:59. Brilliant. It should also be noted that Mark Mcgrath is the most impressive contestant in the history of VH 1's Rock-'n'- Roll Jeopardy.

I used to think that my 15 minuets came and went the one time I received second place at a Tae Kwon Do tournament, in the 80's. The fight was fixed mind you, but just like the Seattle Seahawks, i'm a good sport.

Anyway, since that time I have essentially been sitting Shiva, mourning my own life for the last umpteenth years. Listening to sad songs, stuffing my face with corn beef and drinking my sorrows away. Then I noticed my name on the list, Blogs of note.

I can finally take the sheets off of the mirrors, blow out the candles and kick out all of the Jews who have been sitting in my living room and eating my food for the last 15 years. I looked in the mirror for the first time today and I said to myself, "your ok, but damn did you pack on a couple of pounds". I'm not the failure I always perceived myself to be. I finally made something of myself, Mom.

I just want to take this opportunity to thank all of you who never gave up on me, my friends, family and of course my beloved wife. Ya' all encouraged me to keep writing despite my posts about pogo sticks and my inability to fathom the comma.

Wait a minuet... That's Captain Picard on that list, not Captain Corky. "Allyson, were going to need 10 pounds of corn beef, pronto".

Coffee, the unsung gateway drug

Some people call marijuana a gateway drug, others believe that cigarettes are the route of all evil. I have heard many parents attribute their children's unruly behavior to massive over doses of sugar. So which one really is the gateway drug? I'm not sure, but I do remember the first time I felt the affects of a mood altering stimulant. It wasn't pot, smokes or candy canes, it was coffee and I remember the first time I drank the black nector.

The best place to start this story is at a garage sale, oh so many years ago. When I was a kid me and my friends used to belong to a social club called the Livingston Mobile Strike Force, a military themed club. We had a very cool base of operations we called The Fort. We destroyed two trees and lots of foliage in the process of building this fort but it had a prison and a roof, thus I offer know apologies to all of you tree hugging hippies out there.

Most of the funding for our social club didn't come from PBS pledge drives, it came from private sources such as the bank of my mother's purse, but every so often we would steal ideas from the Boy Scouts, so we could make our own money. One time we gathered as much junk as we could find, mostly toys that we didn't play with anymore and we had a garage sale. Me and Billy F donated most of the stuff we sold at this garage sale, but Matt contributed a little, and this other kid named Billy who we will call Bik for clarity sake, dug out what ever rubble he could find in his yard, that was either buried by his little brother, or their dog. Some other kids donated stuff as well, a kid named Lou and yet another kid named Billy L (Important information for later).

The garage sale was held at my friend Billy F's house and since this isn't an AA meeting I will simply refer to him as Bif from here on out. It just so happened that this garage sale coincided with Bif's, sleep over, birthday party. Billy's parents were way ahead of their time and as a result they were one of the first family's in the neighborhood to have a VCR. The fact that it had wooden paneling on the side of it and took up half the space in their den, hardly mattered, it got the job done. So we played with GI Joe figures for the first half of the sleep over and then we looked at naked chicks in a movie called, The Grove Tube, for the second half of the night. Keep in mind that we had to get up at 7:am to set up our garage sale, but it was a fun party.

We finally got to sleep around 6:30 and a half hour later we were up, hating life and setting up the garage sale, cursing under our breaths. After the morning rush, which probably amounted to 6 people or so, I was dozing off in my chair. Then I was offered a cup of coffee. And just like that, I was in heaven. I could feel the caffeine working its wonderful magic. I was wide awake. Eyes bulging out of my head and everything. I knew that this was just the beginning of a wonderful love affair, that still endures to this day.

Anyway we wound up making like 40 bucks, and what did we do with the money? The next day Me, Bif and Bik got on our bikes and rode up to Toy's R Us on a very dangerous road for 12 year olds to be riding on, and of course we bought new toys with the money. I think we got Matt a water pistol with the change we had left over. It's important to note that Bik barely donated anything to this garagbe sale and he got the most expensive toy gun, he was craft that way. Bif got what he wanted, a rifle with a scope and I got a replica 45, a fitting gun for a Captain. The rest of the club was SOL because they didn't make the trek with us. We caught more than a ear full from Billy L and Lou.

Just so you all know, this is Billy appreciation month here at the log, so we will be profiling many characters named Bill.

WHAT THE FUCK?

My father in law, Al, says that he wrote one of Michael Bolton's hit songs. I used to think Al was a bit out of his mind and then i saw a commercial on television the other day for a new Michael Bolton album titled, Michael Bolton, Bolton Swings Sinatra. If Sinatra were still here with us, Frank's new album title might be called, Sinatra takes a swing at Bolton. You might think I'm over reacting a bit, but just listen to 5 seconds of the Gold digging, grave robbing Bolton butcher The Summer Wind, and you will understand my anger. Me and my wife spontaneously threw up our dinner before we could reach the remote in time. One question: WHY?