Remembering the Barn Swallow

I have decided that i'm am going to start reclassifying human species from different parts of the country as birds.

Long before such companies like, UPS and Ford started out sourcing factories and hubs from the east and left coast, to places like Atlanta and Kentucky, places like Kentucky consisted of farms, deputies named Barny Fife, truck drivers and Barn Swallows.


A Barn Swallow is a common bird that indigenous to most parts of the country. It can fly up to 600 miles a day, when migrating and it primarily eats bugs. You can find the human counterpart for Barn Swallows in most of America as well, I think I have said this before in a previous post, the NJ Barn Swallow also goes by the name Guido, Virginia has the two breeds of this bird, The Marine and the Rural Barn Swallow, but today we will be focusing on the Kentucky Barn Swallow.

The KY Barn swallow, just like its flying counterpart also has a rustic orange neck. It is important to note that most Barn Swallows from Kentucky are barrel chested, have very thick necks and the varying sizes of their guts make their limbs appear to be disproportional to the rest of their bodies. The primary diet of this kentucky bird is beef, barley, oats and starch.

At times this beef swallowing, beer drinking barn bird is unjustifiably scrutinized for it's lack of higher education, it's hatred for all that is not Barn Swallow and it's allegiance to an army that lost the only war it ever fought. If your quiet enough you can actually see the Banner of Ignorance flying proudly over the Barn Swallows nest, especially on days like today.

Please don't confuse the American farmer for a Barn Swallow, at times they can appear to be the same creature but there is a world of diffrence. Oliver Wendall Douglas, the American farmer generally works 10 to 14 hours a day, year in and year out as apposed to the Barn Swallow who you can usually find sitting in a deer stand spitting on themselves waiting for their next meal ticket to walk on buy.

Now i would be lying to you, if i told you that i didn't like beef, beer or fishing. I admit that i have a bit of the Swallow in me. I'm even crazy about a Ford truck, emphasis on crazy if you ask my father, but i really don't have any intrest in hatered and ignorance anymore, that leads to the darkside, and i've been there and done that.

Deconstructing Corky

After searching the web for countless hours, this is the only white dude i could find that would be able to stand toe to toe with the Champ, and the cracker isn't even from the planet earth.

Today me, my mother and father and my wife spent part of our day at the Muhammad Ali Center, located in downtown Louisville KY. Within 5 minuets of watching the first documentary, called IF, I was choking down my tears. There is so much information on Ali, its incredible. The next time you ever make it out this way, aside from visiting all the pawnshops and eating at 5 star resturants like Steak-n-Shake and Waffle House, leave time in your schedule for an afternoon at the Ali Center. It will knock you out.

IF, is a poem by Rudyard Kipling. I'm sure most of you read it when you were in the third grade or so. I'm sure I read it, probably in the 10th grade along with the Outsiders and a Clifford book , but today is the first day I have ever heard it. If you have the time please reacquaint yourself with it NOW, http://www.swarthmore.edu/~apreset1/docs/if.html, and then come back for another dose of Corky.

There are a few lines in this poem that really touched me. The first one that i'm going to annalize today, "If you can dream--and not make dreams your master". When I was 16 or 17, I achieved the only real dream I ever had. When I was 13 I started practicing Tae Kwon Do. Shortly after that I saw my first Tae Kwon Do demonstration. This was the first time I ever actually witnessed human beings flying, breaking through solid objects with their feet and hands, and moving at blinding speeds. You can just imagine what was going through Captain Corky's head at the time.

About a year and half later I was a blue belt and it was my turn to break boards for the first time. Specifically three one inch pine boards stacked together, with a roundhouse kick. I bowed to the judges, lined up on a 45 degree angle from the wood, closed my eyes and kicked. When I opened my eyes, there were 6 boards on the floor. People were applauding and I was in a state of euphoria that no drug, drink, roulette wheel or fish, could possibly ever replicate. It was the first time in my life I was ever proud of myself. I spent the next three days higher than a kite. Some people describe moments like these as a moment of clarity, or a spiritual awakening. That was the day my fantasies became my reality. I was going to become a black belt. From that moment on, I spent every waking moment thinking about it. My dream or passion became very infectious. My mother and father also started practing and so did most of my friends, and most of them including mom and dad became blackbelts. By the time i became a black belt, it wasn't that big a deal to me because i knew that it would happen. In alot of ways i feel like i became a black belt when i broke those boards when i was a blue belt.

I have also seen people consumed by dreams, but you have to admire somebody who goes after his or her dream, regardless of the outcome. And even when their dreams become their master, it's still better than if they never pursued those dreams at all.

I will be here all night if i continue on, so for now i would just like to say thanks to Muhammad Ali, for continuing to inspire all of us mild mannered mortals. Stay tuned for the next installment of Deconstructing Corky.

Another Theoespian heard from

Remember Blair from the Facts of Life? Originally she was going to be the girl who lost her virginity on the facts of life but she played her Seaver card, and as a result It was Natalie, the Jew broad who lost it first and felt guilty and ashamed.

Blair wrote a book called Creative Correction: Extraordinary Ideas for Everyday Discipline. She also home schools her three kids in California.

Are you an End Times kind of guy or a global warming type a gal? The place I work has strict policies about surfing the web and blogging during operating hours, and as a result, I spend my nights at the office picking my friend Eric's brain for insights into his faith. One thing I have learned is that the word faith is very misleading and often abused by Christians, pretty much in the same manor that the word genius, is abused by football annalist's. After discussing some savory topics with Eric such as politics, pro choice vs pro life and redemption to name a few, I flat out asked Eric if he had any faith in mankind. His answer was very candid and very honest. He said, No. He used his children's development as his model for the "true" nature of a human being. He used words like, selfish, hurtful and disobedient to name a few. Now, I finally understand his point of view. I'm not saying I agree with him, i'm just saying I respect his honesty. I always defend the human position obviously.

All of this has led to some very disturbing dreams and a couple of revelations for the Captain. I had a dream last night that I was at a 12 step meeting for people who were saved by Christ. I think some people call that a church, but anway In my dream, I was the only person who had a testimonial without a conversion. As a result I was very nervous about my turn to testify. Later in the dream I was standing with my arms spread wide open looking up at the heavens. After i had woken up in cold sweat, i made a promise to myself that i was never going to discuss religion again. I broke it 5 minuets later. I have been walking around asking random people that i know point blank, if they have any faith in mankind. Do you?

The revelation is clear. All women without faith in man kind, excuse me, human kind, henceforth will be known as Blairs on this blog.

Doug's pal Jimmy

Here is a picture of Krypto, Superboy's dog. Krypto was introduced in 1955 in Adventure comics.

Actually i'm here to talk about people and their pets. I will start with Doug and his dog Jimmy. Doug and his wife Celine live in a really nice apartment in Brooklyn, New York. I think they call it a brownstone. They have almost been married for a year already. Wow. Before they got married, while they were engaged they lived in this apartment as well. We all know that when couples live together they start accumulating lots of stuff that takes up space. In New York real estate is very expensive. Here in kantucky, me and Allyson pay 436 dollars a month for our two bedroom redstone, and space is becoming an issue. Doug and Celine pay over 2000 a month for their place. Right before they got married they discussed the possibility that they might need a new place. Besides the financial aspect, they became very attached to this brownstone so they had to brainstorm for a solution. Here is my interpretation of their solution.

One day Celine came home from work and she was horrified at the site she found. Boxes full of pillows, towels and other house hold items, all sitting out by the curb, weighting for the trash collector. She ran up the stairs hysterical and when she opened her front door, she found Doug laying on the couch reading a newspaper nonchalantly. "Why did you throw all of our stuff away Douglass?" She exclaimed. Doug stood up calmly, embraced her and told her everything was ok. And then from out of the hallway came Jimmy. Jimmy is a beautiful usually friendly, pitbowl and something whatever dog breed. "We no longer have any need for pillows honey" Doug said. "Watch", and then doug called Jimmy over and fluffed him up nicely and placed Jimmy behind his head and started reading again. "See, honey". By the end of the night Celine was still mad about all of their shit being in the garbage, but she was already smitten by Jimmy. The next morning Celine, wiping the sleep out of her eyes, approaching the bathroom, asked Doug how she was going to dry off after her shower. Then she opened her eyes, and saw Doug standing there with Jimmy wrapped around his neck and a toothbrush in his mouth.

A couple months later, The three love birds took a trip out to the country aka Morris Planes New Jersey. We were all staying at Lou's cottage. After a couple of minuets of greetings and pleasantries Doug, assaulted me. After a couple of minuets of smothering me, I managed to get on top of Doug. And then it happened, Jimmy wrapped his k-9 jaw around my arm and started to tug me away from his master. Insert Corky's panic attack here. Celine being the very nurturing person that she is, informed me that Jimmy just thought my bicep was a bowling ball. At that point i warned them that i was going to tell my father on them. Ah good fun.

A couple of year before these events, i was fortunate to witness another Dog's origin story. I was standing in the back yard of Matt's parents house wating for Matt to come back from his trip from the mountains aka the pet store. Me, Doug and Lou were all standing out back with Mr C. disscussing golf. Doug and Lou were aspiring Yuppies back then and i must have known that one day i would be living in the south, where golf and college football are the national pastimes. Then Matt finally showed up, and Mr C's backyard magicly transformed into a used car lot. Besides the fantastic metomorphes of the back yard, I was equally mesmerized by the fact that Matt was communicating with his father. And then Mr C. Started to inspect the shocks or the hip of this dog. And for the next fifteen minuets or so, Mr C. would pet Banchee and then step back and say "Is there something wrong with his hip"? And then he would get back down and start petting the dog again and then he said "Matthew, I still say there is something wrong with his hip". But Mr. and Mrs C. turned out to love that Dog as much as Matt did. You should have been there. It was great.

Me? I'm a cat person. I have two cats. A cool male cat named Fonzie and a female cat named Tinkerbell. Allyson and Corky don't really call the other cat by her name. We just refur(intentional misspelling, as apposed to all the other unintentional misspellings), to her as the baby cat.

Becoming Zack

This post was inspired by Doug.

My friend, Kim Jong Ramone Aquaman Lou the German, just returned from a week vacation in Maui. Lou really is a professional groomsman. He has been in countless weddings over the past 10 years.

Have you ever seen that show Made, on one of those MTV channels? A person writes in to MTV and tells them about their dream and if MTV likes it, they do a show about it. This is basically what Lou has done with himself over the past couple of years.

For most of Lou's life he looked more like Joe Cobb then Zack. On second thought, Lou has actually been working on this whole process a lot longer then a couple of years. I just didn't realize that becoming Zack Morris was on his life list, which he promised me he was going to publish, after we talked this afternoon.

In his first character profile we learned that Lou has an affinity for water. When he is not soaking in it, swimming in it, or rinsing himself off twice, daily, he's drinking it and dreaming about it. If you ever happen to be in a gym and notice a guy with a shark tooth tattooed on his leg, that's Lou. Please don't tell Lou's dad Mike that he has a tattoo.

We know that Lou went to college in Florida and now we all know he has the shark tooth. A couple of years after getting the shark tooth, he started making beauty appointments with my grandmother every other Tuesday to frost his hair. So now he's got the tattoo, the frosted hair, the college by the surf, and the shell necklace he won on the boardwalk.

Flash forward 8 to 10 years Lou went to the gym and dropped all of his fat and gave it to Corky. Thanks Lou. That brings us back to Maui. He told me he went on a helicopter ride, and said it was no big deal. Then he told me he went surfing and was able to catch a couple of waves. Way to go big Kalouna.

To give Lou a little help with his life list, that's three you can check off Lou. Surf, ink, helicopter ride. Don't forget driving the Cat and being a Teamster. I look forward to reading the list. Lou, please notify us here at the log when you have the list completed and congradulations on becoming Zack.
Click here: Kim Jong Ramone

Excuse me, but baseball

I went to a minor league baseball game yesterday. The Louisville Bats vs. The Durham Bulls. I paid 7 bucks for the ticket. I got a beer during the second inning,a micro brew wheat beer, it was actually really good for 4 dollars. Then in the top of the 9th inning I bought a 2 and half dollar soda pop. So I spent like $13.50 for the whole day. Too the average baseball fan this would probably sound like their version of a wet dream.

I can't remember the last time I went to a baseball game. It was probably when I played little league. That was also the last time I found a baseball game to be exciting. If I ever develop hypertension, before I let the doctor prescribe medication that will reduce my high blood pressure and give me the potential of side affects like impotence, dry mouth and tiredness etc etc. I will recommend to the doctor that he let me try an alternative form of medication, season tickets to a baseball team.

As I sat in the stands along the third base foul line, I felt the sun shinning on my head and arms. I heard the noise of the crowd and the crunching of the peanuts and crackerjacks. But inside, I felt nothing. I felt as cold and uncomfortable as the steel seat I was sitting in. I could reel off a bunch of excuses to myself as to why I found this experience so deadening . Perhaps it's because the Bats suck. They looked liked the bad news bears out there. Twice, I saw the left fielder try to catch a fly ball with out his glove, and he dropped it, both times. Maybe it was because there was no real fan base there. When I go to a football game I get high just from the adrenalin pumping throughout the stadium. Perhaps it's the execution of the game. Baseball just doesn't impress me. There have been times when I have watched the perfect execution of people proficient in figure skating, tae kwon do, gymnastics and football. When I see this in other sports I am mesmerized by the beauty of it. I don't see this in baseball. Yes, it was impressive when Dave Winfield used to jump 10 feet in the air and steel a home run from the other team. I also have heard that people appreciate the strategery of this game.

I'm sorry baseball fan but this game is nothing compared to football. Maybe you baseball fan, can explain to me what i'm missing. I should probably let you take me out to the ball game next time i go. But you will have to wait at least another 10 years before that happens.

BUT...THAT MAKES NO SENSE, HOW DO YOU FIGURE?

Bouncing Boy is a member of the Legion of Super heroes, he is basically a human pinball who is flexible. He is also fast and strong despite being a little overweight. This was Matt when he was a kid, and this is how our story starts.

The first time I ever saw Matt he was pretending to be Indiana Jones. He was whipping the stop sign at the corner of His Road and My Ave. Me and Billy Kelly(Bik) were watching him from a distance, sizing him up and critiquing his playing methods. He definitely had some potential.

One day in the winter I think, another friend of ours befriended Matt, and informed me that he would be playing soccer with us. I did not want to play with Matt for a reason I wouldn't remember by the end of the day. At first, I refused to play with Matt, but Lou or Prince Valiant if you will, subtly told me that indeed we were going to play with Matt . Lou threw me to the ground and dug his knee into the side of my head until I submitted. This is how differences of opinions were settled in those days. We played Soccer and Matt turned out to be ok, and in a Kevin Arnold like manner, I wound up eating dinner over his house that night.

We have too much of history to cover in this brief character profile, but here are a few more highlights from our friendship. Matt is a very stubborn human being. One time we were all getting ready to play a group game called war. This game is called paint ball today. Matt didn't want to play with us, and he had to be home at 8:00 PM, it was like 7:40, so instead of going home he road his bike around the sidewalk in circles. We watched him and made fun of him for it. We suggested that it was attention seeking behavior, but Matt to this day insists that it was just good time management skills. We coined this behavior model the Bicycle Bit.

Matt was the most obedient child I had ever been friends with. When we would watch rated R movies during sleep overs and birthday parties, Matt would sit in another room. He wouldn't cross the main street in our home town and I could never convince him to come with me to the local convenient store. So every time we achieved one of these milestones together, it was nothing short of epic.

As Matt got older he sought out the answers to his own questions by joining cults. That is why I will now call him Nightwing. When Robin grew up he became Nightwing a cool super hero in his own right but was always a member of a team and never had his own title at least not until 50 years after his creation, I think it only took Matt 30.

First Matt got his black belt in tae kwon do. Then he became a teen and college age peer leader in an organization called Tigs. He learned to juggle from a kid we refer to as The Clown who he met at Tigs. The clown actually was a member of, The Ringling Brothers Barnum and Baily Circus. His body control was amazing. We went bowling with The Clown once and after 5 or 6 frames of bowling strikes with his right arm, he got bored and began bowling strikes and spares with his left arm. Then Matt joined a cult of Yoga instructors. His Yoga cult leader was also a swinger, and discussed the sensitivity of his girlfriends nipples the first time I met him. This guy never had money and always made his students pay for his food. I think I wound up paying for part of his meal the first time I met him, and I didn't even belong to his fucking cult.

Finally, Matt decided that he didn't need these cults and packed up his bags and moved to Connecticut, where he found his current girlfriend who is a very nice girl. I heard a rumor that Matt might be moving to Boston in the fall to become a profit sharing big bad manager of a BFP Franchise. He also became interested in real estate. He acquired his first property last year and I'm sure he will acquire many more. If you need a painter give me a call Matt.

In short, Matt is my longest active friend. He lit a candle at my Barmitzvah and he was in my wedding party. I consider him to be my little brother in the grand scheme of my life.

Proudly serving the nastiest food since 1934

Once again i'm here to talk about the piss poor quality of food in the south and midwest, because once again i'm hungry. I don't know if I should change the name of my blog to Corky's pig roast, or create a cartoon character for my blog, who's name is Corky Pig. Corky Pig's trademark will be a box of instant mashed potatoes, and every time he has an adventure, it will end with him sprawled out on a couch, unable to breathe because the flakes from his box have expanded in his stomach.

This is a picture of Steak-n-shake as you can see. This is the Souths answer to the diner. The diner can be found in just about any town in New Jersey. The diner a cleverly designed franchise, owned and operated by the Greeks, that specializes in pork roll sandwiches and french fries with mozzarella cheese and gravy. I have had the unpleasant experience of witnessing communist's ask for American cheese on their fries at the diner, and once, I was forced at gunpoint, to watch an atheist order his fries without cheese..

The sheer brilliance of these Greeks, is that every time you go into a diner, you think that it is owned and operated by independent proprietors. However, I don't see how they are making any kind of a profit, because they actually use good, quality ingredients in their foods. There french fries actually have a potato in them, for example. There cheese actually comes from the stuff of cows.

Steak-n-shake on the other hand serves potato skins, fried at 500 degrees for two days at a time. The burgers are so greasy that you could use them to change the oil in your car. Their idea of spaghetti and meatballs is, Spaghetti that has been soaking in hot crock pot for days on end, topped with chili and spray cheese. I do have to admit that they do have one desert that is tasty. It's a strawberry shortcake treasure with a biscuit burried at the bottom of your strawberry's, ice cream and whip cream. I shamefully admit it's not bad.

One night me and my wife were guzzling down some greasy hamburgers and spray cheese fries when we saw a horrific sight. A bride came into the Steak-n-shake on Dixie highway after her wedding in, full gown. My wife started laughing uncontrollably, and I started to have a panic attack, because I couldn't decide if it was the most tragic thing I had ever seen or the funniest. These kinds of violent shifts in emotion can be dangerous to the heart, not to mention the artery clogging, grease funnel I used to call my throat.

Look folks, I don't have a problem with people who like to go out to eat after a great night of drinking and eating, but please, help prevent Corky from choking on his food. Leave the wedding gown at home next time.

Happy Mother's Day

Here is a rose that I picked out for my mom for Mothers Day. There are a couple of things that I would like you to consider about this rose. My mother is deathly allergic to just about anything that isn't nailed down. So when you converse with Tina(mom), please be advised to stand back a couple of feet, because if she has one of her spontaneous sneezing attacks you, and your hearing, are screwed. They are loud and last several minutes. So part of the function of this single yellow rose will serve as an antihistamine. The only side affect that this antihistamine will have is that it will take up a minute amount of space on her hard drive.

I have been doing a lot intense self analysis of late. In my fact finding process I have discovered that most of who I am comes from my parents and my friends. This has been a very good year for me. Originally, when I started Corky's Log, I was on a search to find answers to questions that I have always had. I just didn't realize that the answers were on this blog.

I love my mother and she loves me. That's not what I want to say to her this mother's day. I want to tell you mom, that the reason I picked out a yellow rose is because I think this year more than any other we have become friends. I couldn't go on the rest of my life without telling you this. Now I'm not trying to scare you mom. It's something that i'm quite proud of actually.

By the way. I almost picked out a white rose, and then I double checked with Erika, my wife's best friend, and she told me that a white rose was for romance. I can just imagine what kind of a freak you would think that Corky was, and you would definately question the conclusions I was coming up with in my self analysis.

Welcome to Smallaville

The four most important inventions of the 20th century are as follow. The Television, the VCR, The Internet and the DVD. But of course you know that's how I feel. I could tell you that the two most important things I have ever said to my wife are, that " I love you" and " I'm sorry", but that would be a lie. The most important thing I ever said to my wife is, "Honey, let's watch some TV". Well, that's not entirely true either. More will be revealed.

The Summer solstice began for us, in our fortress of solitude, aka as our two bedroom apartment yesterday. We will spend the next month or so watching Smallville. I have already nailed 7 episodes. This show has had an immediate impact on my chameleon like personality. I just donated all the clothes in my wardrobe that are not red, white or blue to goodwill. I will spend the next couple of weeks eluding to my powers and talking comic book innuendo to my co-workers. A lot of people that know me might assume that I have been doing this most of my life, but not true. I have only begun to give people here in Smallaville, a glimpse into my dual persona.

From time to time I have to put my powers on hiatus, so I can catch up on Television shows, like Smallville. Some of you may worry that the quality of my life might be diminished because I spend so many hours consuming television. Please don't concern yourself with such a foolish notion. How will I ever grow as a person if I stop watching television? What would I possibly have to say? Pass me another beer, and Yep. That would be the extent of my vocabulary. I also have to start going to the gym three or four hours a day, again, so I can have my super physique restored by September.

Besides watching lots of TV this summer, Allyson will be preparing for her new assignment, teaching English 101 at the local university, here in Smallaville. We also are going to be spending a lot of time in the former Garden State, now know as the Bear murder capitol of America. See the Grumbler, http://www.desktopqb.blogspot.com/ for more information about this story. Actually, this is where I get all of my world news.

We will also be spending a week with Ma and Pa, Corky in Provincetown, Massachusetts. Now if I could only use my powers to change Allyson's name to Lois, everything would be perfect in my world.

Stardate: 2008

I have a major announcement: Star Trek 11 is being made. I'm speechless, I'm spellbound, I'm torn, I'm intrigued, I just wet my pants.

I had to resist the urge to wake up my wife and tell her. If I had woken her up, she probably would have driven a stake right threw my heart. The only thing that would have prevented this catastrophe from happening, is if I told her that J.J. Abrams, the producer of Lost and Alias is going to produce and direct it. The rumor mill on STARTREK.com says that this is the case. The story is supposed to be about Kirk and Spock in their earlier days at Star Fleet Academy, and then their first mission in space together.

Abrams denies the validity of all the facts but then he goes on to say, "Those characters are so spectacular. I just think that... you know, they could live again." And at the moment ladies and gentlemen, Captain Corky had his first diurnal emission.

Now listen carefully Abrams, you have given me a new reason to live. I'm on board with this whole concept but hear this, if you fuck up, by casting the wrong actors to play either James T. Kirk or Mr. Spock, I'm coming for you, and my phaser won't be set on stun.

If TV land ever airs Will and Grace, Corky is quitting television forever

Allyson and I spent the winter hibernating in our apartment watching the first four seasons of Alias, between work and school and work and work. I don't know if any of you watch this show, but it's pretty good. It's a fun show with good character development. My only complaint about Alias is that I can no longer stand Jennifer Gardiner. I don't know if it's because she has been poisoned by the Ben Affleck plague or if it's because Sydney Bristow(Gardiner's character on Alias) is the only character that never developes. She is the same whinny, annoying, vulnerable, tough, brat in the last episode of season four as she is in the series pilot. Her father on the other hand, Jack Bristow played by Victor Garber, is cool from day one and develops into the best character on this show. Despite Affleck's girlfriend, I'm looking forward to season five when it comes out on DVD.

Will and Grace: This show could have been really good but Grace was in it and NBC has this brutal way of turning sitcom characters into annoying fucking cliche's of their original concepts. See those annoying friends for the worst example of this.

Warning ABC, you just lost the NFL, now watch your networks ratings go down the drain. It's the kiss of death. When CBS lost the NFL they were ranked last. Now they have the AFC package and they are number one. NBC, no NFL no ratings. Law and order has kept that network afloat even without Lenny Briscoe. However NBC is getting the NFL back this year on Sunday nights, and Mike Logan returned to Law and Order so there is new breath for you.

Fox has the Simpsons, Nascar and the NFC package. There fine, even with JOE FUCKING BUCK. By the way I don't recognize the impact reality TV has on network television.

Malcolm in the middle was ok the few times I watched it but I found the older brother subplot unbearable. 7th Heaven had Catherine Hicks from Star Trek 4 and Stephen Collins from Star Trek the motion picture but with out William Shatner I just cant do them. I'm not deep enough to appreciate the West Wing. That 70's show, well we all know what happened when Ritchie left Happy Days. No Eric Foreman, no 70's show.

Words of wisdom from a Crackhead

When I lived in DC, my life's work was as a house painter. From time to time my boss would employ a local homeless man named Gene Mills to do odd jobs and labor for the paint company. Gene was a little out of his mind. I will tell you more about him later when I write his character profile. But for now let me tell you that Gene would spend all day getting teased about how he was going to spend his paycheck at the end of the week. Also he was fired and rehired on a daily basis. When you would ask Gene what he planned on doing with his money, his reply was almost always the same, "I'm just glad to be here", with a big shit eating grin on his face. Me and a guy named Pat would always chime back at Gene, were glad to be here too, Gene.

Well now I live in Louisville as most of you know. One day at the company where i'm doing my current life's work, a month or so after the Katrina catastrophe, a guy came in looking for a manager. After getting to talking with him, he reviled to me that he was a transplant from Louisiana. I guess the patriot in me came out or something because all of a sudden I felt like I was talking to a national hero. He told me that him and his wife came to Louisville to stay with family and that his house was destroyed etc. His name is Kent. I don't know what he was life before the tragedy but everybody that meets this guy is instantly inspired by him. He is one of the nicest people I have ever met. I asked him if he was going to go back to Louisiana, and he told me he didn't think so, then he told me there were some Union contract issues that needed to be resolved from his "reassignment." And then he said, " i'm just glad to be here, Corky". Me too Kent

I'm hungry

The plural of bagel in New Jersey is bagel. When ever we go up to visit my friends and family my mother usually gets a dozen bagel for breakfast. Even though I have not lived in New Jersey for over 10 years, I still get home sick from time to time for food. Remember when I told you that if I was ever going to become a professional drinker again I would move back to DC? Well if I ever decide to eat again i'm moving back to New Jersey/New York.

It's really true, the further west or south you go from New York, the worse the food gets. Even in DC you can't find a good Chinese restaurant. I have found that Korean and Vietnam food seem to be good everywhere you go. Besides that, if you want pizza, a bagel, Chinese food,or even Italian food, and you don't live in New Jersey or New York, your shit out of luck. Some people say that they like Chicago style pizza but I say humbug, and I challenge them to live in New York or NJ and eat pizza for a month. They will never feel the same about that bastardized concoction called pan pizza. Pulled barbeque pork is about the best Kentucky has to offer. And I have found some good recipes for Calamari, of all foods. That's about it.

A couple of years ago I was standing in line buying my wife a Christmas present and I happend to be wearing a Jets hat. The kid in front of me asked if I was a Jets fan and I said, yeah I like them. He then told me he grew up in Union New Jersey. The first question I always ask a transplant is if they like it here. He said in his very refreshing accent that in fact he did. We talked about the cheap rent and we laughed about the fact that people here have no idea what a traffic jam is. Then our smiles turned to frowns as we looked at each other and the blood rushed out of our faces and at the same time we said foooooooood.

I would like to mount this Buck on my wall

Remember when Joe Buck had a heart attack during the playoff game between the Packers and the Vikings? Randy Moss pretended to moon the Packer fans, and you would have thought by the way Buck reacted, that Moss jumped into the stands and started beating the shit out of a fan. This is a direct quote from the twerp, "That's a disgusting act by Randy Moss, and it's unfortunate we had it on our air live." I think Troy Aikman was caught off guard by the Twerps reaction, because it took him a couple of seconds to react and it sounded like he had to swallow his real feelings towards Buck. Your a twerp Buck.

I really have very few complaints about the NFL, but i wish they could put a good play by play guy in with a good commentator. There is something missing from my Thanksgiving these days and it aint the cranberry sauce, It's a great broadcast team. Madden and Summerall. The last great team? I hope not and i don't care what you think of Madden these days, back then he was great.

Aikman is a phenomenal commentator. Sims is really good, even Theisman is not bad. Then you have Al Michaels who is the best active nfl play by play guy. Actually Dick Stockton and Aikman make a great team. That's why I like the month of October, the Twerp is covering MLB, pissing off baseball fans. I wish he would start covering bowling or something instead of Football.

I have one plea, The best Play by Play guy out there is not doing the work he was ment to do because him and his wife like to do chicks together. I'm talking about Marv Albert. He is the best play by play guy i have ever heard in my life time. Yes his son does games for Fox, but its not the same. It's kind of like Jim Henson's son doing the voice for Kermit. He sounds the same its just that the magic isn't there. I can even deal with Boomer Esiason, talking about his glory days with the Jets, just so I can listen to the great Marv call football games on the radio. I just wish the Networks would grow some balls and put Albert where he belongs, in the booth with either Aikman or Sims. It's a good thing i'm an AFC guy or i would really be up shit's creek having to listen to the Twerp week in and week out.

Today is the first day of the rest of my blog.

Have you ever asked yourself or wondered how the mighty Corky got promoted to Captain? Well, it all started last summer at my friends bachelor party. When you usually think bachelor party, you think about things like drinking, and lap dances, and gambling. Well the groom had just about enough of all those things during the prior decade of his life, at least in the conventional sense, so he told us that he wanted to go camping and play war. I then suggested that we go to the Falls to do this but he just shook his head at Corky and then he suggested that perhaps we should let his friend Brian handle all of the arrangements.

After our usual chaotic departure, which includes people having to unpack their DJ -ing equipment and making other people wait for an hour at train stations with heavy duffle bags in the rain, we were off to Camp JETS. The reason I call this campground, Camp Jets is because all of the cabins were stacked on top of each other and most of the people outside of our group, seem to be the same fucks that tailgate at Jets games. Most of the tailgaters camping, had thick New York accents and the licence plates on their campers confirmed my hypothesis. I always wondered what those guys did during the off season. When we first arrived at Camp Jets we had two cabins to pick from, the morning person cabin, where the wake up call is at 4:30 am. Or the lazy person cabin where the wake up call is bit more reasonable at 4:35 am. I chose the lazy person cabin. So we moved our shit into our bunks and headed out to the campfire, for the meet and greet session of the weekend.

Day 1: Now I know from most of the people at this bachelor party all my life. You had your Aquamans and Frogs, and your Darth Vaders and the Grooms best man Brian Wayne, even the famous comedian who created the bicycle bit was there, but there were two new people to be acquainted with. The Grooms future brother in law and his other, possible brother in law. If I were playing the game spades and had these two guys in my hand I would say to my partner that I have one definite and a strong possible, and I would actually bet the hand with the assumption that I was going to get my two tricks. Luckily for Corky the Grooms future brother in law, the possible brought a nice pint of jack Daniels. And just like that we became family. So we sat around the campfire getting corkified and listening to Brian Wayne revel deep dark secrets. It was getting late and we had to get to bed because we were getting up early to play war the next morning. So at 4:00 am Corky and the Possible and the comedian went to bed.

Day 2: At 4:35 am or maybe a little later the frog started playing revelry. Corky woke up still intoxicated. It was time to go to war. So we got in the camp bus and headed off to play paintball. We were all dressed from head to toe in camouflage or army green. The groom refused to cover himself head to tow in camo, it must be the Chaci in him or something, but the mother fucker even looked good in camo. I have a picture of the whole group of us standing in front of a tank. Perhaps we are a reincarnated group of a combat battalion that died in Vietnam and this is Gods cynical way of saying "ha ha sorry about that Vietnam thing". When we got to the paintball place they gave us our guns, goggles and a football helmet. We were instructed not to take off our goggles in the field of play or we would be excommunicated from the game. Do I have to tell you what Corky did after the first time he got shot? That's right I got put in time out for the next game and screamed at by a behemoth professional Paint ball person thing for taking off my goggles. When you get hit with one of these paint balls its about as pleasant a sensation as getting hit with a wet towel whipped at your bare naked ass in a locker room. We played about 5 or 6 of these games while I detoxed and I got hit in the neck once or twice. When we got back to Camp Jets we spent the rest of the day laughing at each others bruises. Some of us tried to drink the pain away but that just wasn't happening.

Day 3: We packed up our stuff from Camp Jets and headed out for our final event. We stopped of at a diner for breakfast in a neat little town in the mountains of Pennsylvania. And then an hour later we arrived at motto cross headquarters. The first thing you see when you arrive at motto cross is dudes, jumping 15 feet in the air with motor cycles. A truly amazing site to see live. Insert Corky's panic attack here. After taking out a second mortgage on our homes we were ready to receive our lesson. They brought us 7 four wheelers called Quads and taught us how to put these vehicles in gear. Next they told us that there were three trails, yellow for beginner , blue for intermediate and red for expert(Please feel free to arrange the colors anyway you like Bush). Then they took us to the entrance of the trail and told us to have fun. And we did. Corky got lost almost immediately. Somehow I was on the red trail within minuets going down slopes as sharp as the hills on a roller coaster. At one point I had to get off my Quad and reevaluate my life, I mean the situation. After some reflection I got back on my quad and was led back to my group by a father and son team of expert motor cycle riders. Then the unthinkable happened I went over a mud whole that was at least a foot thick and I was thrown from the Quad. The quad stood straight up, lodged into the mud. And I landed in the pool of mud, and I felt fucking great. This was a perfect time to take a mud bath I thought to myself. I didn't even bother to move out of the way. I seriously felt relieved and dare I say it I was high. The comedian and the possible jumped off of their quads and placed my quad up right and pulled me out of the mud.

My friend Ian has a very fast learning curve he went from being the occasional rider to jumping 15 foot jumps the same day. See skiing for other such adventures of note.

After we had turned in our quads and related our stories and took pictures of each other covered from head to toe in mud, I told my friend Brian and Doug that I had a really good time. Then I looked at Matt aka the comedian and informed him that under no circumstance was I JUMPING OUT OF A FUCKING AIRPLANE FOR HIS BACHELOR PARTY.

INI MINI MINIE MOE

Here are a bunch of pictures of the many loves of the under achiever sitcom character. It's pretty safe to say that Zack was the coolest of all these guys. Zack and Seaver are pretty much tide in the side kick department. Zack had Slater and Screech and Seaver had Eddy and Boner. Slater beats Eddy, but Boner beats Screech. Now it's true, Dobbie had Crebs. Maynard G Crebs beats both boner and Screech but Gillis didn't really have a straight man buddy. So Gillis looses by default. Gillis and Zack could both talk to the TV audience and Seaver couldn't. Zack could call time out on his show and freeze time. I could not tell you which one of these three guys spent the most time in detention. But I know all of them were in trouble all the time. Dobbie had the coolest father, Herbert T Gillis. He spent most his time on the show screaming at Dobie and saying "I gotta kill that boy I just go to". Jason Seaver, Mikes dad was a pain in the ass and was always lecturing Mike. Zack's parents were divorced and we really never saw his father often. Maggie Seaver wins in the best mom department.

I'm sorry Zack but Seaver has you beat in the main squeeze department. Zack dated Stacie Karosi from the Malibu sands episodes and married Kelly Kapowski. Gillis was in love with Thalia Menninger but she was a gold digger and Dobie was to low rent for her. Seaver dated Julie Costello the blonde girl with Seaver in the picture above but the actor who played Seaver got her fired because she posed for Playboy. Lame dude, real lame. Seaver married the other chick on the show and in real life.

Now I will let you decide who you thought was the coolest out of all these guys but I must send a shout out to honorable mentions. Parker Lewis would have been the coolest of all these guys but fox fucked up and canceled the show. He had the best side kicks and the coolest powers. Ferris Bueler had a good movie but a very lame TV show. I know your probably screaming what about Ritchie and the Fonz, they my friends are in a class all by themselves.

LOOK CORKY, IT'S PERSEUS

Back during the silver age and golden age of comics, every hero had a side kick, Batman had Robin, Aquaman had Aqualad, and the Flash had Kid Flash. The Kid like his adult counter part, could run close to the speed of light. He was so fast that he could run on just about any surface. For example, he could run across the ocean in the same manner that a stone skips across a pond, I think that's how it works but how the fuck do I know? I'm not a scientist. Kid Flash is the comic book character that's most reminiscent of Doug to me.

Our history together starts almost at the beginning of my life. He is my brother. The brother I consider to be my guardian angel. I was first introduced to Doug by a local neighborhood head hunter named Bik. Bik's specialty was recon. I don't know if Bik hid in bushes or up in trees as he watched new people move into the neighborhood, but somehow he was always friends with the new kid on the block, first. On one sweet day, Bik told me to follow him over to Doug's house. When I got to Doug's house, there was Doug in all of his Hasbro, first line, GI Joe glory. I thought to myself "okay Doug you got Corky's attention now let's see what you can do with it". Needless to say Doug and Corky became fast friends.

Doug and Corky spent many of their earliest adventures swinging sticks at each others heads. Today, behavior like this would have gotten us sent to institutions, and our parents arrested, but back in the 80's this is how the kids in our neighborhood had fun. When we weren't assaulting each other, we were doing what we did second best, pissing off our fathers. We were very devious back then, and we had a brilliant plan that we concocted, that when implemented would piss both our fathers off at the same time. We would go to my house and take my fathers Stanley screwdrivers and sharpen the heads on them into fine points. Then we would go over to Doug's house, and mutilate the only tree in his front yard. We also had an ax that we used to hurl into that tree. We actually got pretty good at it too. The only problem with our full proof plan was that we didn't account for what would happen to us when our father's realized what we had done...

As time progressed so did our hobbies. There's tons of fun, crazy stories that I will get talk about in later posts/chapters/past incidents, what ever you want to call them, but for now I must jump a head to a darker period in my life. One time after a three week binge on all sorts of stupidity I was sleeping in my bed. Let's just say I was completely exhausted, defeated and demoralized etc. When I woke up there was Doug, reading a comic book with his body contorted in a way that most people's bodies aren't meant to be. He was naturally flexible you know. Anyway, when I woke up I could see him looking at me, waiting for me to get up and well, you know, swing a stick at his head. And he waited for what seemed to be all day. I will never forget that moment for as long as I live.

I have to jump back again, sorry but I forgot to mention that when Doug was a very young child, he had a very serious ailment. He had what is considered to be a childhood version of Alzheimer disease. What I mean by this, is every where that we went Doug thought he saw his pet ferret. We would have to say things like,"no Doug, that's a squirrel not your ferret.

Now lets flash forward to Doug's life. When Doug was not hanging out with Corky and the gang he was practicing guitar, going to alter boy practice and studying with various tutors, but I know that all he ever wanted to do was run fast with Corky. Somehow Doug wound up going to an Ivy league college.

I must apologize to all of my other friends but Doug gets to play the part of Darth Vader. Doug started to do the things that made Doug, Darth. Let's just say that he let his anger consume him and he was on a very destructive course. After just about loosing everything, mainly himself, he figured out that it was time to change. I wish I could have been there the night he decided to take off the mask and became Doug again. Doug was back to square one, and had to learn how to swing a stick all over again. Luckily for Doug he has a dazzling sister and a loving mother and a friend a named Bill, that were there for him.

He was on his way but there was one important ingredient missing. That's where the wonderful Celine comes into play. Doug met this wonder girl in a bar or a diner, and he did some ridiculous Jewish folk dance to get her attention. It probably would have been a lot easier if he had just pulled out his Gi Joes but Corky stole them all, so he had to do the dance. In Corky's else world imagination she is the leader of a certain group of girls, that I will feature in a later posts as well.

To sum it all up Doug is now the Daredevil, a lawyer by day and an adventurer by night with a weakness that augments his gifts. Doug and Celine's story is just getting started and so far it's an amazing story.

FUCK YOU APRIL

It's 77 degrees outside, a bit overcast and there is a cool breeze. In other words its a perfect day. It's the kind of day we dream about all year round. Whether it's 100 degrees outside and we can't breathe from the humidity or its 19 degrees and we are scraping off an inch of ice from our windshields and we have to be to work in 15 minutes. Or perhaps you are walking to work in February and the wind is piercing right through you and all you can do is tense up, like that's going to help. Sometimes on a cold Winters day I spend my day preparing for the perfect day by cleaning out my tackle box. I also clean up my fishing reels and obsessively put them in order from best to worst.(this kind of behavior reminds me of a friend named Fredy Flesch) A lot of people do stupid shit like this with whatever their hobby or passion is, depending on your opinion of the difference between a hobby and a passion.

When I was a kid, I was walking home from school one day at about 4:30 pm and not because I had just left a FFA meeting. It was brutally cold outside but it was a sunny day and clear. It must have been 10 degrees outside. Along with cursing at my teacher I was cursing at the sun. I remember watching the cars drive by and thinking that one day I would be 30 and I would be driving one of those cars.

It took along time(but not long enough) from that point to become 21 and then I blinked my eye and now I'm 35. And now I have a car to avoid most of the winters brutalility. And now I drink a toast to you perfect day. But I was wrong. I don't need you. So take your perfection and shove it strait up your ass. I don't need to be reminded of my mortality. I feel it. I'll take the heat, the cold, and even the funnel cakes, I ment funnel clouds. I will spend the rest of my life routing for the Steelers in the Superbowl, decorating Christmas trees, and driving 735 miles to spend my "time" with my family and friends. A perfect day for me now consists of me sitting on a couch in my friends house, unable to move because this stupid old body doesn't function like it once did. Or perhaps i will spend the day kissing my wife... I will carry around my action figures in a plastic bag regardless of where I live, whether it be in a bush or a two bedroom apartment or once again in a house. You will never dictate a perfect day to me again. You have know idea what a perfect day is. But your Friend Corky does. And those are the days I will embrace for the rest of my life.

Look Corky, It's Perseus

I realized shortly after writing my first character profile that I couldn't tell all my wonderful stories with out introducing the key players in those stories. So doing this thing in alphabetical order is out. Besides I know you prefer it to be random, Corky style.

The Kid flash is another one of those mystery men that is considered to be a thrill seeker. But what kid wouldn't be, if he or she could move at the speed of light, or run across the ocean in the same manner a stone skips across a pond. I know I was, I mean I would have been an adventurer if I could run at the speed of light.

When I was younger, I had a head hunter in my employ. His name was Bik and his responsibilities included scouting out the new kids in the neiborhood and making sure that they weren't mutts(a mutt is a dog with no heart). So one day Bik told me he found such a kid. He took me through trails and bushes until we finally crossed over the Rainbow Bridge of Asgard and in to Dougs front yard. There was Doug standing there in all of his Hasbro, first line, GI JOE glory. My thought process went something like this, "ok Doug, You've got Corky's attention. Now lets see what you can do with it". Needless to say me and Doug became fast friends that day and the rest is history.

When Doug was younger he had a medical condition know as Childhood alzheimer's disease. Where ever we would go he would have moments of disorientation and would spout out things like, "Look there is Perseus". We would have to calm him down and say things like, "No, that's a squirrel, not your pet ferret.

When Doug was not going to Alter boy practice or practicing his guitar or studying with his tutors he liked to spend the rest of his free time with Corky and the gang. When Corky and Doug were left to their own devises they would spend most afternoons swinging heavy sticks at each others heads. We also shared a passion for pissing off our fathers. We would go in to my basement and take all of my fathers Stanley screwdrivers and sharpen the heads of them in to fine points. Then we would take those same screwdrivers and go over to Dougs house and destroy his fathers trees. Specifically the only tree in his front yard. Today they lock children up for behaving like that, but back then it was called good fun. Don't worry Ralphi, while you and Flick were getting yours me and doug were getting ours. We also belonged to a football team called the undergrounds and nothing pleased Corky more than throwing a bomb to doug and watching him burn kids twice his size. By the way we got really good at throwing screwdrivors in to trees.

And then the dark times started. Well they were quite fun at first. Again we were pissing off our fathers but this time we were drinking all thier booze. But before we get into the Kid flashes transformation to Darth Vader I have to tell you that I consider Doug to be one of my brothers as well. He is the brother i consider to be my guardian angel. One time after one of Corkys three week binges Doug came over while